I asked the customer, "If there is an order, what is your biggest difficulty?"
The client replied: "Social fear."
I asked, "What are you most afraid of in social fear?"
The customer replied: "Walk in front of many people."
I gradually understand that the client has situational fear. For him, the most terrible situation is always associated with "many people". Specifically, he is most afraid of "many people watching".
The client came to consult for the first time because he met something that made it difficult for him to decide: his brother was getting married, and he was supposed to go back to his brother's wedding to help organize some things; However, according to his mood, he really didn't dare to go back and face that large group of people. In daily life, the parties always try to avoid any occasions where a large number of people will appear: restaurants, meeting places, company visitors, colleagues invite them to dinner, etc. The client said, "No matter where I am, there are always many people watching, and I don't know what to do."
Second, there are many people in your mind.
It is found that "many people" exist not only in reality, but also in the minds of the parties concerned. Perhaps we can say that this "many people" in the eyes of the parties will appear anywhere in real life, making him feel threatened everywhere. Even because I have the image of "many people" in my mind, I feel nervous at the thought of "many people".
We need to check the source of "many people". There is no need to know where the "many people" in reality come from; How the image of "many people" is formed in the minds of the parties needs to be explored. The story of the client took me back to the village where he lived when he was a child. There were many people there-family members, villagers, relatives, living people, dead people, people who had emigrated, people who still lived there ... They still lived in the client's mind and formed the original image of "many people". Later, the parties left the village and went out to study and work. Along the way, "many people" joined in-middle schools, universities, work units, anywhere in the city ... The parties said, "There are many people watching everywhere, which is a great threat to me. It is impossible for this world to stay. "
Third, I want to "perform" for a large number of people.
According to the client's memory, he first began to have the fear of "too many people" after the college entrance examination. At that time, his college entrance examination score was the first in the city. He didn't want to go to school to get grades, because "he was afraid that they would praise me and say that I won glory for the school." I really can't get rid of it, so I have to bite the bullet and go. That day, when he saw the teacher and his classmates get together, "many people" were talking and laughing there, and he felt "very nervous". From then on, he began to be afraid of any crowded occasion.
"I'm afraid they will praise me" sounds a bit strange. Knowing the growth experience of the client, I found that he was a good boy praised by everyone since childhood. He lives in a village, and everyone says he is quiet, clever, beautiful and smart, like a girl. In his impression, "liking a girl" is a good boy. Therefore, he is very quiet in front of others, just like a girl. Parents are proud of him, saying that he is sensible and has good grades. He sits there reading every day and doesn't play with other children. His mother took him out, and others followed him, praising how good he was and enviing his parents for raising such an obedient, beautiful and intelligent child. He has become a local legend and myth.
Isn't it a good thing to be noticed and appreciated by others? Where does the fear come from? The following passage of the party was quite intriguing: "Everyone said I was good, so I behaved well, for fear of showing a little indiscretion. When I left home, no matter where I went, many people stared at me and praised me. Then I became more and more afraid of being praised. I know in my heart that as long as I make a little mistake, I don't know what they will say about me. "
Let's do some analysis. Is the client really "afraid of many people watching" and "afraid of them praising me"? He thinks so, but in essence it may be just the opposite: he is afraid of being seen, and he is afraid that he will not be noticed for a while; He is not "afraid of being praised", but afraid that if he makes a slight mistake, others will say "It turns out that he ...", so he will no longer be praised. Customers have been chased and praised since childhood, just like stars. Along the way, he always tries his best to keep himself concerned and praised. He grew up in the attention and praise of others, constantly sacrificing the truth and constantly demanding perfection. In order to show people around him and get applause, he dressed himself all the time. His ego became an actor walking in the aperture, taking life as the stage and "many people" as the audience. He performed and enjoyed people's admiration. He was always worried that something would happen, for fear of showing a little misconduct and being booed by the audience. So he was scared, even though he got the first place in the city.
Growth is not easy. Especially in a person's childhood, the evaluation of others is very important to the formation of self-concept. I remembered the story of Napoleon Hill. He is the youngest son in the family, and his mother died young. His father and brother have only negative comments on him, so that he will deliberately do something bad, as if trying to keep himself consistent with their comments. In this way, there are more bad comments about him at home and in the village. A cow in the village broke free from the reins and ran away. They said it was little hill. A tree in the field was chopped by lightning, and they also said that it was a hill. As a result, the goodness of the hill was suppressed, and he felt that he was a bad person. Later, the stepmother's concern and appreciation for Little Hill released the kindness that had been suppressed for a long time, and his inner desire for growth was stimulated. From then on, he insisted on growing up, broke through all kinds of negative comments and finally realized his true self.
On the other hand, in this paper, the self-growth of the client, we found the opposite situation with Hill: in the process of his self-formation, he forced himself to cater to the attention and appreciation of others, suppressed many real wishes, and was afraid of showing a little "misconduct" and lost attention and appreciation, so that he began to be afraid of "many people" and avoided "many people", and stayed alone for a long time in this symptomatic fear. But the complementary truth also tells us that Hill can rediscover his true self from the self-concept of a "little devil", and the parties can also come out from the self-worship of a "little fairy" and accept their truth. A true self can admit his limitations, accept his "bad conduct", step down from the altar of childhood experience, cross the perfect and harsh blockade, come out from the heart, dare to be true, dare to make mistakes, and therefore dare to walk into "many people"
Fourth, true, so no longer afraid.
Anyone who knows something about face-to-face analysis is familiar with our clinical observation of fear. In our opinion, the formation of symptoms will have such a process: there is a kind of fear called primary fear, which mostly comes from the childhood experience of the parties; In the process of self-growth, if the original fear is not handled properly, it will accumulate improperly and form an excessive unconscious fear; Unconscious fear will stimulate unconscious safety requirements and make people despair of absolute safety-which prepares sufficient internal conditions for the emergence of symptoms. Everything is ready, only the east wind is needed, and there will be a gust of wind "east wind" in life at any time to help, so that the unconscious fear can rely on it-that is, the unconscious fear will attach to something (or something that happens by accident, or something similar, or something that changes constantly), so that the parties are afraid of it and eager to get rid of it, thus obtaining absolute security, which forms symptoms.
The fear of "many people" in this article is the fear of symptoms. He thinks that what he fears is "many people", and this fear has no way out; First, it is impossible to eliminate the object of fear, so that "many people" no longer appear anywhere in life; Second, avoid the object of fear and avoid any place where there will be "many people" in life. This can't dispel the fear, but it may make you more afraid. Besides, where are we going to hide? Face-to-face analysis holds that the essence of symptoms is to escape, and the way out of symptoms is to face up to it.
The first step towards face-to-face is to help the client understand what he is afraid of. Why are you afraid of "many people"? Also, where is the outlet of symptomatic fear? On the surface, the parties concerned are afraid of "too many people". On a deeper level, he is afraid that "many people" will judge him: not good. "Naughty" is the prototype, and its essence is "imperfection". The party concerned is afraid of "imperfection" essentially because he feels "unsafe". He seems to have formed such an idea from his own growing experience: only by becoming perfect can he be safe. So his desperate pursuit of perfection is actually to meet the unconscious security needs of his heart, pursuing all the way, and even continuing to pursue symptomatic. But the way out is not perfect, but real.
The process of consultation is that I accompany the client to explore a real road and walk somewhere on this road. I said to him: Because you want to be perfect, you will be afraid of "many people". If you can be true, you are in the middle of "many people". Later, it was discovered that I was afraid of "many people" because I wanted perfection. I don't have to be afraid of "many people" because I am real. Especially this sentence is very important: because I am true, I am not afraid.
Fifth, the subtitle
After reading this tutorial, I have a little feeling: if you want to add a subtitle to this article, it should be: "Don't always say I'm good". The experience of psychological counseling constantly reminds us that many children pay a heavy price for being a good person.