In this fast-paced life, our intimate relationship has also become "fast", and before the other party has finished speaking, the other party has gone on the rampage. When I have no time to listen to each other's real needs, I am eager to draw conclusions, give advice to each other and so on.
Therefore, all the emotions of each of us, whether men or women, do not come out of thin air, but because we do not really understand each other's expressions, and through our own in-depth interpretation, it has become another battlefield.
Therefore, it is really important to know your partner.
Many of us like to express our ideas by ourselves, but we don't calm down and listen to each other's demands, so that both sides are hurt, troubled and broken.
If you have such a question and don't know where to start, Deborah Tynan, an American social linguist and author of Understanding the Other Half, will tell you through this book:
For others: how do we understand other people's thoughts and why do they say so? We look forward to your answer.
For yourself: explore the brand of gender language, adjust your mentality effectively, and understand others to better understand yourself.
In this book, Deborah Tynan analyzes an important reason for the failure of communication between men and women: the communication methods between men and women are essentially different. This difference is not born, but is constructed in the process of growth. Women use the language of establishing contact and pay more attention to intimacy; Men use the language of establishing status and pursue independence more. Therefore, in the gender dialogue, the primary goals of both sides are not the same. This difference has nothing to do with the depth of feelings, but it has caused many misunderstandings and often made both sides feel wronged. Tainan will tell you that by understanding the causes and manifestations of this difference, you will understand each other's thoughts and feelings more deeply and comprehensively.
First, I want intimacy, and you want independence.
Intimacy is one of the most important relationships in the world or between people. Coexisting with this relationship, there are some frictions. We are both intimate and independent, and we hope to have a sense of intimacy and the authority of our independent relationship.
Women pay more attention to intimate relationships, while men pay more attention to their own independent relationships. If everyone looks at it as an individual, there is no problem in any kind of relationship, but when some people have a family, these relationships will not be so smooth, the family will no longer be harmonious, and even two people who were originally close will go their separate ways.
Linda and Josh are a couple. Once, Josh's high school classmates came to their city on business, and Josh invited his old classmates to his home. That night, he told Linda that his old friends would come to stay at home for two days. On the first night, they would go out together and talk as usual. Linda was very angry when she heard this, because she was going on a business trip for a week before that day, and on her first night back, Josh was going out with her old friends.
What disappointed her most was that Josh didn't tell her about the plan until he decided on it, and he didn't discuss it with her before he sent out the invitation.
Linda always asks Josh before making plans for the weekend or evening.
When two people think differently and deal with problems differently, it will affect our intimate relationship.
Linda can't understand that Josh can't give her the same respect and consideration When she protested, Josh retorted, "I can't tell my friends," I have to ask my wife's permission! ""
For Josh, asking his wife's advice is asking, just like a child, who has no freedom and no right to make decisions.
For Linda, we are husband and wife and life is inseparable. We need to discuss with each other and say generously in front of our friends, "I have to ask my lover." This practice is also manifested in the close relationship between husband and wife.
This kind of thing is common in our life, and there are also many families who make the relationship between husband and wife unhappy because of this kind of thing, so that the relationship becomes tense.
Women want to feel the intimacy of the relationship between two people and the care given by the other party.
A man wants to be the same as when he is single, not to find a woman to control him.
Communication is the pursuit of a mutual balance, and it is not necessary to live and die because of who is right or wrong. It is to constantly coordinate the needs of both sides between caring for intimate relationships and independent relationships. Each of us is an independent individual. When we are in an intimate relationship, what two people need is how to better understand the other half, and we need to find harmony.
Coordination is not who listens to whom, but the understanding behind it, so as to have a better solution.
Second, the subtle inequality between listening and speaking
There are always some strange but common accusations in sexual conversation, that is, "you are not listening." This kind of complaint mostly appears in women's complaints about their partners, while men are relatively few.
Men are really listening to women, and women may think that men are not listening. This phenomenon occurs because men show a habitual way of listening.
Anthropologists Malc and bolk explain that women are more inclined to ask questions, and they give different listening signals than men, which may lead to misunderstanding.
Another fact is that men listen to women less often than women listen to men. This is closely related to the "male chauvinism" youth culture and boy culture.
Someone once spent two and a half years studying a group of boys, all working-class Italians. Although they are noisy and talkative, they don't talk to people who are above or below them. Talking with people in higher positions is naturalized as cheeky, bold and unruly. Talking with people of lower status is considered weak, futile or suspected of courtship.
The author thinks that this is similar to the cultural exchange between girls and adult women. But the reason why boys don't want to talk to girls may be because they think girls have low social status. Girls feel or want to feel that their partners, even men, are their peers. This leads to the style of conversation caused by class differences.
Third, we want understanding, not advice.
The author of the novel My Temple said that a woman in the novel fell in love with a man because she saw that he had "an ear willing to listen to anything." Listening is a very important thing, but it is not the only thing. We want to be listened to, but we also want to gain more understanding.
In our intimate relationship, when communication is not smooth, we always hear such words: "Why don't you understand?" .
Eve just had surgery to remove a breast lump. After the operation, she told her sister that she hated the operation and the stitches on the wound looked depressed, which changed her chest shape. Her sister said, "I know, I feel the same way after my own operation." Eve told her friend Allen the same feeling. Allen said, "I know, it's like your body has been desecrated."
But when Eve and her husband Mark felt the same way, the husband replied, "You can have plastic surgery to cover up your scars."
Eve got no comfort from her husband's words. Hearing her husband's words, she can say, "I understand how you feel." Eve keeps saying that she has had many operations and doesn't want to do any more. So he angrily hit back at her husband: "I'm sorry my breasts are not what you are now." The husband was also stung by her words and protested, "I don't care about this." I don't think it is a thing at all. " Eve said, "Then why did you ask me to have plastic surgery?" The husband replied, "Because you said that the way your breasts are now makes you feel sad."
Eve felt a bit like a gentleman after hearing this, and at the same time felt that her husband's remarks were only a response to her complaints. Eve wanted her husband's understanding, and he gave her advice.
In many families, women complain to men, complain, and so on. Their purpose is not to need a real solution, but to hope that men will recognize her feelings at that time.
Just like Eve's scar, what she wants to hear is comforting words. In this case, the husband can feel her physical and mental pain, rather than her husband solving the problem easily, making her feel that you have no right to be sad.
"The wind blows dead leaves, leaves give birth to fertile soil, fertile soil and fragrant fruits. Tireless, unhurried, the fruit of life. " This is a sentence from the documentary "Fruit of Life", which has been running through the lives of two old people. Being able to understand each other and yourself is an important bridge in intimate life.
Know a lot about the other half. Through these cases, we can see that there are obvious differences between men and women in thinking, communication and appeal. This book will help us clarify the problems and the actual nature of things that we often ignore through various logical relationships. Let's better understand the other half, better understand ourselves, and let our life bear fruitful fruits.
Because you know, you cherish possession more. Because you know, you cherish possession more.