In our life, relatives or friends around us will inevitably encounter some family troubles and unsatisfactory work. In order to show concern, do you often help in ideas and ways, but it often backfires?
I often don't handle the relationship with my leading colleagues well at work, and I am accused by my leading colleagues without knowing it?
You are a precious mother. After having children, the relationship between you and your husband has undergone subtle changes. Do you often feel that he doesn't love you? You're depressed. You don't know what the problem is.
With these puzzles, I would like to introduce the book "The Power of Love" to you, because this book can just help us clear the fog, find the focus of the problems that plague us and solve them, so that we can have a happier life.
Arthur Joramikali, the author of this book, is not only a professor at Harvard Medical School, but also the chief psychologist of a medical center in the United States, and has rich experience in physical and mental healing. When his own brother was wanted by the whole country for taking drugs and other crimes and fled to Amsterdam, he was confident that he could convince him to find the right direction in life. But unexpectedly, her brother committed suicide. This brought a strong shock to the author. He almost collapsed and thought deeply: What does my brother need most when he is desperate? Is it a wake-up call, a life suggestion or a tight hug and understanding? Since then, the author has devoted all his energy to the study of the power of * * *, and applied his reflection and research on human nature to the actual clinical consultation. This book is the essence of his years of research.
The book The Power of Love is divided into two parts:
The first part mainly talks about why we need * * *? What does this part tell us about * * *? How do we express our feelings? How to learn to establish good interpersonal relationships with others and intimate relationships with lovers?
The second part mainly talks about * * * feelings, how can we do it? The author shows us how to have the ability of * * * emotion through eight aspects.
Ok, let's look at the first part:
The daughter of one of my college classmates did very well in school, and never fell out of the top three in her class from primary school to junior high school. Because she and her husband were born in poverty, their academic qualifications were not high, and their promotion in the system was repeatedly blocked. Therefore, they have great expectations for their children, strict requirements and a lot of investment.
After graduating from junior high school, the child was successfully admitted to a key high school and entered a very talented Qingbei class. Once a child got rhinitis because of an exam, and his grades deteriorated a lot. The head teacher said to her, "Don't think that junior high school is excellent, but high school is excellent." Every child in our class has a glorious history, so you must take back your blind optimism and arrogance. "
Because the child was introverted and sensitive since childhood, there were many talents in Qingbei class, and he suffered from heart disease from then on. My grades are failing, I am often absent-minded in class, and I often feel suffocated in my chest. I always want to cry at night, and my insomnia is getting worse and worse. So that the child collapsed a little later, preferring to hide in the dormitory and play with his mobile phone rather than go home to class.
The teacher suggested that a friend take the child to the hospital, and soon the result came out, and the child was diagnosed with depression. Hearing this result, my friend was heartbroken, and the child who worked hard to train was troubled by depression before entering college. She is unwilling! However, the reality is there and she must accept it.
At the suggestion of the psychologist, she took the child home and taught herself while treating. Because of the ups and downs of children's mental state, their studies have also declined a lot, and their friends have gradually broken away from the obsession of "being admitted to Peking University Tsinghua".
She accepted the fact that her child was ill, and no longer kidnapped her child with excessive expectations and emotions, nor was she always angry and anxious. She is even going to take a year off school with her children, and even prepare to let her children read the third year of high school. My friend has no hope of promotion and is no longer obsessed with his work. During the child's illness, she took her children to study, went out for a trip, accompanied them to do handicrafts, and raised a lot of green plants with them, so that they had two lovely kittens.
The child took leave for the fourth month and finally got out of the shackles of depression and returned to campus. In the summer of 2020, the college entrance examination under the epidemic situation and the children who overcame depression were admitted to Zhejiang University with excellent results.
This healing process is * * * love. Friends and husbands crossed the war between parents and children, walked through the fog, saw their initial heart, and no longer projected too much obsession and expectation on their children. They accepted an imperfect, fragile and possibly extremely ordinary child.
As the author Arthur said:' The belief that people need to be connected needs to listen to the voice behind them with compassion, so that we can see through people's hearts and souls, speak or make words to appease others, and let others never give up hope'.
In real life, we often confuse sympathy with * * *:
You were sad to see the hardships of the elderly living alone, so you ran to comfort them.
When you see your children being abused and hurt by their parents, you feel indignant.
When a new colleague comes to the company, it is inevitable that he will be nervous. Just comfort him and say,' I understand you, and everyone will be nervous when they arrive at a new company'!
You think if you comfort them, they will appreciate you. In fact, such comfort is only superficial comfort, and they can't feel your concern. Some people may resent your concern and think that you are hypocritically sympathizing with the weak.
Arthur said, "Compassion is to comfort others, while love is to understand others." . Sometimes we don't need to give advice, just listen quietly.
Why do we have two ears and one mouth? Our ancestors also told us that it is better to talk more than to listen.
Dale Carnegie once said that listening attentively to others is our greatest compliment to others. Therefore, listening deeply, hearing the voices in the depths of others' souls, and letting others open their hearts and know themselves may be the greatest help a person can provide to others!
When I first joined the psychological growth group, I found it difficult for me to have a * * * relationship with the group members. I can't get into other people's hearts and feel the same way. My most incredible thing is why a student tells his own story, and when it comes to emotional places, everyone can enter the role and cry together, but they can't touch my tears. I feel isolated because I can't integrate into everyone's thoughts, which makes me realize that the disharmony in my interpersonal relationship stems from my inability to express my feelings.
So how do you express your feelings? In this book, we elaborate on seven key steps of expressing emotions to help us improve our interpersonal skills.
1. Use open-ended questions. For example, when her daughter came home from a date, a mother and her teenage daughter were chatting. If mom says, "Baby, do you really think he's cute"? Such a question can easily arouse the daughter's disgust. What if mom asked him in another way: "Baby, what do you think of him"? The next conversation is simple. The latter question is an open question, which shows that mom is really interested in her point of view.
2. Slow down. Passionate emotions can't make people express their feelings. It is a very useful way for us to express our feelings by helping others to slow down and put their emotions away.
Don't jump to judgment. The biggest harm we can do to others is to think that their personalities are fixed, and the expression of * * * will always respect the nature that everyone will change.
4. Pay attention to your physical feelings. When we want to find out whether a person is good or bad and what he is thinking now, we can make our facial expressions imitate his expressions as accurately as possible. Then, wait for what kind of thoughts or emotions will appear in our minds or hearts to echo this expression, that is, the embodiment of * * * feelings, so as to make a judgment.
5. Learn from the past. Only by learning to separate the past from the present can we look at things objectively. Knowing yourself and cultivating awareness of past conflicts is the only way to cultivate the ability to show love to others.
6. Let the story unfold completely. Everyone has his own story to tell, and each story has its own development speed, so the way we express our feelings is to fully participate in the story, try our best to help, and be grateful that we can be a part of this experience.
7. Set boundaries. A person's deep insecurity will not be cured by knowing that others have the same serious problems. For example, the visitor told the counselor that he had suicidal thoughts. In order to express his feelings with the visitors, the counselor said, "One of my nieces committed suicide last week." Visitors will not stop their suicidal behavior because of the suicide of the counselor's niece, but will think, does your niece's suicide have anything to do with me?
Therefore, under the guidance of love, we know when to step in and when to leave, which is the best for the relationship.
* * * Emotions can help us perceive danger. For those who want to cheat, manipulate and hurt us, * * * affection can let us see through their hearts and thoughts.
A 27-year-old young woman walked into the apartment building where she lived, carrying several bags of heavy daily necessities. When she reached the third floor, the contents of the shopping bag suddenly rolled out. Then a man came from behind and tried to help her. She refused, and intuitively she didn't like him.
But the man refused to give up and asked her, "What floor do you live on?" She replied, "The fourth floor." The man smiled politely and reached for her things, but she refused again. So the man said, "some people are just too arrogant, you know." In spite of the lady's doubts, she gave him the bag. The thought that popped into her mind was: I don't want to be the kind of person who is suspicious and doesn't trust anyone.
But at the door, he squeezed in from her, put down his things, took out his knife and raped her. Tell her not to move afterwards, it won't hurt her, but at this moment, the lady is afraid of being killed, so she wraps up the sheets and runs away.
This is Gavin de Becker's best-selling book "Attention! Someone is watching you, Gavin de Becker explained. It was fear that told her how to save her life. When she hears her inner fear, she can recognize the hidden danger and run away from it. But Arthur believed that it was not fear but love that saved this lady's life. * * * Love is the source of fear and the energy switch that triggers action.
In this violent incident, emotion is both a weapon and a defense. Both the attacker and the victim used emotions. In the end, the person with stronger emotional ability wins.
So how to use * * * feelings to protect yourself from those who use other people's insight and intuition?
This book introduces how 10 resists the dark side of * *.
First: distinguish between true feelings and purposeful feelings. For example, my daughter and I agreed to give her 5 yuan a week, but I asked not to give her 5 yuan next week if I didn't keep the books. Later, my daughter gradually stopped asking me for pocket money. A teacher reminded me that my way was wrong. I don't really love my daughter, so my daughter would rather have no pocket money than be intimidated by me. I meant to help her develop good bookkeeping habits, but I didn't think from her point of view. Learning a habit cannot be perfect at once. Promising to give her pocket money is my subject, and I will keep my promise. Learning to keep accounts is my daughter's subject. I shouldn't interfere with her learning process by threatening (no pocket money if she can't remember her accounts well), but should help her remember her accounts well.
Second: Know your own desires: If you want to know your own desires, you should ask yourself, what is the most important thing in your life? To understand what you have been longing for, you need to review your past and find out what you lack.
Third, learn to trust your natural instinct: once I received a phone call from a liar saying that there was a court summons, and I was scared silly. In fact, liars take advantage of ordinary people's fear of authority and use information to defraud money when we lose our minds because of fear. But when the liar asked me for my ID number, my brain began to work. Didn't I say the other party is the court? Why don't I have my information? At this time, I just came to my senses, hung up the phone and dialed the local court again to confirm. This is really a false alarm.
Fourth, pay attention to subtle changes in people's emotions and behaviors: pay attention to details and facts that are not quite consistent; Keep an open mind to all possibilities. When your perspective expands, your heart and thoughts will also expand, which will give you patience, flexibility and wisdom, and let you care about yourself and others.
Fifth: beware of sudden approach, believe in your natural instinct, once you make a decision, don't hesitate, no matter how kind others seem, don't let yourself be fooled.
Sixth: Be careful of the extremes of supercooling and overheating. On the one hand, we should be careful about the damage caused by the behavior of others, and on the other hand, we should be careful not to fall into the performance of alternating cold and overheating. Because the flow of * * love needs a balanced temperature, and the two-level wandering mood can easily make people fall into struggle and complain in the relationship, which is not conducive to the play of * * * love.
Seventh: Stay away from people who always blame others. This is the most important step for a person to protect himself from the dark side of love. Stay away from such people, not only let yourself escape from guilt and self-pity, but also learn to stay away from lies and be responsible for yourself.
Eighth, be wary of others inciting your emotions for their purposes. No one knows yourself better than you. Find the inner answer through hard work, patience, self-discipline and persistence, and don't be a slave to emotions.
Ninth, pay attention to the inconsistency between words and deeds. When people pay too much attention to their own needs and desires, they are more likely to be inconsistent. When the situation meets their needs, they are kind and considerate; When their needs are not met, they will expose selfish and careless behavior. Pay attention to the long-term or predictable behavior of others, and you will learn to understand the possible dark side of * * *.
Tenth, * * * love is not kindness, but persistence and insight. * * * Love is persistence and faith, not kindness and tolerance. Don't let repeated behavior destroy beneficial love, dare to face difficulties and failures, and dare to start from scratch.
Ok, why do we need to introduce the first part here?
First of all, we should realize and accept our imperfections.
When we see handsome guys and beautiful women, our eyes may stop unconsciously. Who doesn't like beautiful things and who doesn't want to have such a perfect figure and appearance? But often the more we yearn, the more we can find our imperfections. As a result, the gym was overcrowded and "plastic surgery" blossomed everywhere. The progress of technology can make us change many unsatisfactory places and satisfy our vanity. However, should we first find out whether we are dissatisfied with our body or ourselves, and then vent it on our body? Accepting your imperfections is actually a very painful process. But once we accept ourselves from the heart, we will feel that life is more perfect and better.
Secondly, find out what makes us imperfect.
Yang Fengchi, a famous psychology professor, once received a girl with a very low self-esteem. Even though she has been admitted to graduate school, she still feels that she is not good. She thinks that being admitted to graduate school is just an accident. In view of this psychological situation, Teacher Yang Fengchi made the visitor realize what made her feel imperfect by making dolls, and then found the reason for the imperfection and opened the window of her heart.
Third, go out and find a better way by feeling with others and borrowing others' perspectives.
Outward from yourself, to others. * * * Love allows us to participate in other people's lives, understand other people's ideas, connect with more powerful people, and see the extremes and immaturity of our own ideas from the perspective of others in the back-and-forth interaction with caring people.
Finally: we need to make changes.
At this stage, we should return to ourselves from the perspective of others, change and extend ourselves with expanded horizons, so as to surpass ourselves, learn to be grateful, and learn to forgive and forgive. Here are two ways to inspire yourself:
1, by writing a diary to record your thoughts and feelings, you can release bad emotions, reduce the pressure that bothers people, and maybe find a new way to solve problems inadvertently.
2. Write down the problems that bother you, and then burn and erase all guilt, resentment and anger in this way.
In short, only by liberating yourself and accepting yourself in an appropriate way can we surpass ourselves and become the best of ourselves. * * * Love can help us to look at life from a broader perspective, accept our imperfections, forgive the past that we no longer regret, and devote ourselves to a deeper and more meaningful relationship with others and life.
Well, the book "The Power of Love" is all finished. Let's briefly review:
First of all, what do we know about love? Distinguish between emotion and sympathy. This paper expounds the seven steps of learning to express feelings, namely: 1, using open-ended questions. 2. Slow down the pace. Don't jump to judgment. 4. Pay attention to your physical feelings. 5. Learn from the past. 6. Let the story fully unfold. 7. Set boundaries.
Secondly, I learned how to use * * * to protect myself and mastered the dark side of 10.
Finally, through eight behaviors, such as honesty, acceptance and tolerance, we can acquire the ability of * * * *. So as to become a lover who comforts himself and helps others.
I hope that through the power of love, we can all live as a beam of light, warm ourselves and illuminate others.