The first hour was mainly a lecture by Dr. Chen Xin, and the main content was about how to get along with children.
Dr Chen Xin mentioned three key words: sincerity, empathy and indecisive support. ), that is, sincere feelings, empathy, unconditional acceptance and support.
First, sincere and open feelings from the heart, respecting children's feelings.
When facing children, feelings should be true, and children should live in the real world. Specifically, mothers don't have to pretend to be superman, but also learn to express their emotions appropriately. Many mothers like to hide their emotions and think that not getting angry in front of their children is a good mother. For example, when they are tired or in a bad mood just after work, they often don't directly refuse their children's request to play with them for a while, but accompany them. In fact, sometimes even if you don't express your negative emotions, your emotions always exist objectively. In the process of accompanying children, you will unconsciously show irritability, and this negative emotion will often be released through other reasons, such as getting angry at how children can't even put together such a simple puzzle, throwing toys around, and playing according to their own ideas. This is often not very good. It is better to tell the child: "Mom is tired and wants to rest for a while before playing with you, okay?" This not only expresses their own needs, but also does not release negative emotions in another way, giving children the opportunity to understand themselves.
Dr Chen Xin gave an example of his own child. She works the day shift and there is a traffic jam on her way home to pick up the children. The car is parked on the road and can't move. Children want their mother to play games with them at this time. Dr. Chen Xin tried to discuss with the child: "Mom is really tired today. I want to rest for ten minutes and spend time with you, okay?" The child agreed. 10 minutes later, the child waited quietly for his mother to rest without disturbing her. Dr. Chen Xin said that she was particularly moved at that time. Parents sometimes raise ungrateful children. At this time, you should also reflect on yourself. Did you give your child a chance to understand you? Pretend that you are a superman who is not tired or sick and does not need the care of children. How can children know that you have your own needs?
Of course, properly expressing needs does not mean asking children to tolerate their emotions. Dr. Chen Xin said that once a mother asked her about her and her children, the mother actually said that she had ignored him for three days because her children made her angry. The implication seems to be that the child will apologize to her and coax her, and she will be willing to get back together with the baby. Dr. Chen Xin asked her how old the child was, and she said that the child was only about three years old. Dr. Chen Xin will laugh with anger. You are an adult of several decades old, and you need a doll of only a few years old to contain your emotions! Proper expression does not mean that children should tolerate you. Be sure to express your needs and emotions within your child's tolerance, and don't overdo it.
Some parents think that their children's EQ is low and want to send them to an EQ training school. However, emotional intelligence and emotional management are not rushed out, but accumulated by subtle influence and dribs and drabs of experience when getting along with people every day. Children's initial interaction is with the people around them. They can properly express their joys and sorrows with their children in their daily lives. In the face of some things, they should try their best to be right and wrong. For example, if a child does something wrong, don't say "you are not a good boy", but say "your behavior is wrong, what will be the consequences"; When adults do something wrong, they must apologize to their children effortlessly and let them know that both mothers and teachers (and other adults) will make mistakes. No one is superman. We are all ordinary people, we all have emotions, we are all tired and we all make mistakes. It's nothing. Making mistakes is a good thing.
Being a sincere parent will make life much easier.
Second, empathy
The second key word mentioned by Dr. Chen Xin is empathy. I think empathy is similar to the "* * * emotion" often mentioned in emotional management. I think "* * * emotion" is not a means to stabilize children's emotions, but a way of thinking that should be used on themselves. Think from the child's point of view and try your best to understand the child's emotions. This is the essence of love, not those dry sentences: "I know you feel bad now, how do you feel?" If this sentence is not used well, it will become self-righteous.
Dr Chen Xin said that empathy is to understand things from the perspective of others. With empathy, people will be more tolerant
She gave an example. At present, many children in grade one or two in China have heavy homework tasks, and there is always a lot of copying homework. Some children start scribbling when they write, and many parents will be angry when they see it. They think their children are incorrect, not serious, scribble and cope with homework. In fact, what parents should do more is to understand that children, small children, have so much strength and so heavy homework tasks that they have no strength to write. There is really no way to keep their handwriting neat and beautiful all the time. It's not that children are not serious, but that the homework burden is really too heavy.
Another problem also bothers parents: children always forget things. In fact, forgetting things is really not a subjective attitude that is not serious. Adults forget things, too If you really want to help your child solve this problem, it is better to help him write a list every time. Dr Chen Xin found that there were many small mailboxes in his children's class. The names of all the students in the class are written on the mailbox. The teacher will put the materials that the children need to bring into the mailbox. Every day there will be a list in the class, which will write what each child needs to take home from the mailbox. Children only need to take things out of the mailbox according to the list, so that there will be almost no mistakes and nothing will be lost. This behavior inspired Dr. Chen Xin. Later, she posted a list on her child's schoolbag, which said what she needed to take to school. The children packed their schoolbags according to the list the night before school and just took them away the next morning. At the beginning, you need to look at the list to see if you have forgotten anything. After a long time, you will get used to it, and children will hardly forget anything.
Dr. Chen Xin said that with empathy, we should use concrete methods to help children. It's no use preaching blindly. For example, schools in China like to use the slogan "study hard", so how can we study hard? This slogan is too empty. Advocating "unity and friendship", how to realize unity and friendship? The slogan of American schools is much more specific: "Play with others and don't exclude other children." The list mentioned above is a concrete method. It is really difficult to achieve the goal by abstract and empty preaching, but it is much easier after concretization.
Everyone can reason, and when he makes sense, he feels particularly just and stands at the commanding heights of morality. But in fact, it is better to understand other people's feelings and do something to help each other. Understanding and respecting each other's emotions should take precedence over reasoning. After all, when I did something wrong, I was already very sad and blamed myself. At this time, no one wants others to make up. "Look, I told you before, don't do this or that, you have to do this or that, and now it's all right, balabala" is useless, and it has no substantive effect except to add to the other party's resentment.
Dr Chen Xin shared a story with her little son. My son once left his schoolbag in the car. She drove away in the morning, so when her son arrived at school, he found that he didn't bring his schoolbag. Calling her, she happened to have nothing urgent that day, so she took the trouble to drive for half an hour to send her son a schoolbag. When I came home at night, Dr. Chen Xin told the children not to forget to bring me a schoolbag in the future. It was very troublesome for my mother to send it to you, and she didn't say much. But a few days later, my son left his schoolbag in his mother's car again. This time, the mother really had something important to do, so she didn't give the bag to the child. That day, my son happened to have homework in his schoolbag. Every homework, quiz and daily performance in American schools should be recorded in the children's total score. If the teacher decides that the homework is unqualified, the child will have to be perfect many times to keep the final grade, so the child is also very scared. When I got home, I told my mother about it. My mother's first reaction was to think about it, comfort the child and ask if the child had explained it to the teacher. Maybe the teacher didn't count him unqualified this time. The child said that he had communicated with the teacher and didn't know how the teacher handled it. Dr. Chen Xin is doing very well here. He didn't habitually accuse the child. "Look, look, I told you not to forget your bag last time, and you forgot it again, so your grades are not good." If you say this, the child will not have any substantial change except disgust. Fortunately, the tolerant teacher did not deduct points from the children. The child was very happy and remembered these things with gratitude. After that, he basically never put the bag in his mother's car again.
Sometimes the tolerance of parents and teachers can inspire children to be responsible for their own affairs, and empathy should always be there.
Third, unconditional acceptance and support.
If you don't judge others easily, the world will not be black and white. Everyone has his own position in doing things. From their own standpoint, all actions are reasonable, and everyone should strengthen their border awareness.
The same is true when facing children. You can't impose your ideas on them.
Dr Chen Xin said that his second baby was a sensitive and introverted baby. He gave up learning football when he was a child, because football needed to collide and contact with others, which made him feel uncomfortable and changed to baseball. At a school baseball game, the button on his hat was loose, and at this time his mother was behind the fence of the game, so there was no way to help him button it. The mother said directly to the child, "Go to the coach and ask him to help you deduct it." My son didn't respond, and my mother was a little anxious, so she urged it once. However, this time, Dr. Chen Xin found her son's expression and body stiff-the child was very nervous, and then the mother knew that she was abrupt. I think it's "nothing", but the children don't think so, and I think my son is not doing well when he was a child, and he is doing well now. So, Dr. Chen Xin walked away quietly, leaving the space for the children themselves. After a while, the coach came to the child and found that the button of the child's hat was loose, and the problem was solved.
When talking to children, "What's the matter?" Very abrupt. This is the child's character. Not that there is anything wrong with introversion. Introverts are not without friends. There is no need to overemphasize a certain personality.
China people have a characteristic, which is the same from childhood to adulthood, that is, they are lawless in behavior, but they are tied behind their hands in thought. Americans, on the other hand, don't restrain their children's thoughts since they were young, but are more disciplined. Children in the United States are more disciplined than children in China, and there are many rules in many things. They are not as free in behavior as children in China, but they are free and unrestrained in thought, which is worth pondering.