What is narrative? Expressing feelings means describing inner feelings, that is, expressing inner feelings.

Many people in life are not used to or unwilling to express their inner feelings.

But if a person can't express his feelings, others don't know his inner feelings, his psychological characteristics, how to make this person happy, how to make this person angry, and how to get along with him better. Such people are not easy to love, and they are also easy to encounter problems in emotional relationships.

② Cognitive misunderstanding

-"Emotion is invisible" is the natural enemy of love.

Some people define maturity as = anger is not good at color, but we should distinguish between specific roles and situations.

Different roles have different requirements for people. In love, we can't be indifferent, because this is just the opposite of the ability needed in the actual love relationship.

In a love relationship, we should not hide our emotions and thoughts, but learn to express our feelings truly and let our lover know our true thoughts and feelings. Only in this way can lovers know how to get along with us better. Boys' pursuit of so-called "maturity" is one of the reasons why many people are unhappy in love.

Good Housewives once quoted an Austrian survey report: 94% of divorcees believe that misunderstanding caused by lack of communication is the main reason for the breakdown of their marriage.

This shows that communication is the most important thing in a love relationship.

③ The basis of expressing feelings-naming your own feelings.

A person must first learn to express his feelings in the process of speaking.

In the feelings of newborn babies, not only can they not distinguish and name their feelings, in fact, they can't even distinguish whether their feelings are psychological or physical. Through the careful care of caregivers, as well as the care, understanding and expression of their feelings, babies can gradually distinguish psychological feelings from physical feelings, which is also an achievement of emotional development.

If people who can't even reach this level of development can't distinguish between psychological feelings and physical feelings, then what they feel in psychological pain is not psychological feelings, but physical pain. Psychologically, it is called somatization, and the inner pain is expressed through physical feelings. Such people often feel uncomfortable somewhere and can't find the cause when they go to the hospital.

Above this level of development, we can distinguish psychological feelings from physical feelings, but we can't express them. This includes being able to feel but not knowing what these feelings are called, and knowing what these feelings are called but not saying them. This is the alexithymia we mentioned earlier. If such people don't express their feelings, they are easily driven by these feelings to do something, such as not expressing when they are angry, but not answering the phone, cold war, breaking up, running away from home and starting work.

They express their feelings by actions rather than words, which psychology calls putting into action. Because it is not easy to be understood without expression, such people are also likely to encounter difficulties in intimate relationships.

The best way to develop is not only to know your feelings, but also to express them accurately in language. This is the most mature and healthy emotional expression, and it is also the most conducive to the relationship management. Psychology calls it linguistization.

To this extent, we need to rely on the good parenting environment provided by our parents. In addition to parents often telling their children their feelings, if parents often tell their children their feelings, they can also provide a demonstration and example for children to really learn to tell their feelings.

That's how people who can confess learn to confess. People around us, such as mom and dad, often express their feelings. They are influenced by the surrounding language environment and learn slowly.

This explains why some families are not good at expression for generations, because it is difficult to grow into an expressive person without expression environment unless they are influenced by people outside the family or deliberately study and practice the day after tomorrow. Moreover, it is necessary for us to learn and practice these abilities the day after tomorrow, because these abilities will be passed on to future generations through the language environment.

This ability is an important ability needed in life, especially in love relationships. If you are a person who can't express your inner feelings, it will be more difficult for your lover to know how you really feel and how to treat you. Once you tell your lover how you feel, your lover will easily know how to treat you and you will become an easy-going person. Similarly, you will feel that people around you are easy to get along with.

(4) Tell a story and draw a road map for the other person on how to love you.

Tell each other what we like, what we don't like, what we hope and what we don't want through narration. This is equivalent to pointing out a love route for our lover, as clear as a road map. According to this road map, he can know how to reach our hearts and love us.

Someone said, "If you love me, you should know what I'm thinking!"

But how is that possible?

Your lover will only be with you if he is attracted to you, but being attracted to you doesn't mean knowing you. To really know what you are thinking, you should always tell him your thoughts and feelings. After a long time, he can only reach the state you want if he understands most of your thoughts and personality characteristics, which requires you to "confess" frequently.

There are also some couples who have lived together for many years. They don't really know each other, and they don't take the initiative to open their hearts and express their feelings with each other. As a result, they will complain that the other party doesn't understand themselves. But how can he understand unless you tell him your true inner world?

Don't think that two people know each other well just because they are in love. This is completely different. Love is often caused by hormones and idealization, and both of them know each other very well. Love relationship is realized through constant communication.

A man who is still single in his late forties once said to me, "I hope to find a soul mate." After listening to his words, I know that if this situation does not change, he may be single for a long time.

Everyone wants to pursue that love with one heart, but I don't know that such love is often not found, and can only be obtained through long-term running-in and management.

When two people have told each other their feelings for a long time, and they are in love with each other, after a certain period of time, they are as easy to perceive each other's feelings as they are, and they will really "become one." "Hearts are connected" is the result of management.

⑤ Different wording

The difference between "unfair" and "very wronged"

To say "unfair" is to say right and wrong and to blame others;

Saying "very wronged" is to express your feelings, not to blame others. This is the difference between telling right and wrong and telling feelings.

In life, in interpersonal relationships such as lovers, relatives, friends and colleagues, don't talk about right and wrong as "unfair". This is reasonable. Learn to talk about "feelings" and describe your feelings.

⑥ Basic skills of expressing feelings

In the TV series "legend of bruce lee", Bruce Lee took Ip Man as his teacher and learned from him to chant spring songs. But IP Man gives Bruce Lee practice tasks every day, but it's just stepping on a horse stance just look, which is also commonly known as standing piles. Bruce Lee was very emotional and didn't understand why Master had to do this. Ip Man told him this: "If you don't practice martial arts, you will get nothing."

As an important ability, expressing feelings, like practicing martial arts, needs to be practiced from the basic skills.

1. Basic skills 1: Distinguish facts.

The first basic skill to express your feelings is to speak objectively. What you say should basically be facts, rather than being summarized by words like "never, ever and ever". Because it is easy to cause differences between the two sides, or cause dissatisfaction with the other side, and then escalate the contradiction.

But what is the truth?

This is a problem that many people seem to understand, but they don't necessarily understand.

Facts are often an objective existence, such as an action, a voice, a scene, an experience, etc. , or can be measured in detail, such as elapsed time, amount, etc. Or verified other people's inner thoughts or feelings.

? The difference between fact and hypothesis

Facts are often objective, not subjective judgment or imagination. Those "waving, calling a taxi and greeting" are people's subjective imagination, not facts. Of course, if I stand on the side of the road and wave, a taxi comes and I get on the bus and leave, then "calling a taxi" is a fact. Although it was only your hypothesis at first, the fact that I got into a taxi has verified that your hypothesis is accurate.

This is the basic skill of expressing feelings. You can tell what the facts are, and then replace your subjective imagination and assumptions with facts when expressing your feelings.

This requires constant practice. The practice method is very simple. When you try to describe something, ask yourself, am I telling the truth?

2. Basic skill 2: Try to describe it with specific units of measurement.

For example:

Think back to the last time you hugged your lover. How long has it been?

It is a fact to describe it with "days", such as seven days.

It is true to describe it by "hours", such as twelve hours.

However, using vague words, such as "a long time", is not objective enough and is easy to cause differences. Therefore, when expressing feelings, try to use accurate words instead of absolute or vague words such as "for a long time, all the time, never, all the time", so that it is not easy for the other party to refute, because what you said is an objective fact and there is no way to refute it.

Try to describe clearly when you speak, don't take your imagination as an objective fact, try to say a specific unit of measurement, which will not only make the narrative effect better, but also face your inner powerlessness. While expressing, it is also a process of inner powerlessness.

Expressions have healing functions. Many people feel this way when they receive psychological counseling. Just telling your inner feelings to the counselor will weaken those feelings, because the process of expression is the process of being with those feelings. When telling the truth, although I don't directly express my sense of powerlessness, I also refrain from emphasizing it. This in itself is an effort with one's own powerlessness, and it is a powerlessness crossing.

Facts sometimes include your past experiences. When you have feelings for something that the other person has done, the other person may think that you should not have these feelings, but if the other person knows that you have had some painful experiences related to these things, it is easy to understand you. So it is necessary to express these past experiences at this time.

⑦ Pay attention to the order.

-Before you express your feelings, you should do a good job in emotional management, which is the foundation.

In fact, we should practice emotional management first, and then describe uncontrollable emotions, so we don't have much time to describe emotions.

This is why the ability of "emotional management" ranks before "expressing feelings". People with good emotional management skills often don't have too many negative emotions, and when they need to express their feelings, they will be less accordingly.

People who have a lot of painful emotions in their hearts may feel that such people are too busy and too melodramatic if they express them; If you don't express your feelings and feel uncomfortable, you can't do anything, then the first thing to do is emotional management.

Adapt patiently.

First, aphasia.

Speaking of "aphasia" is certainly not as speechless as aphasia. But when you want to say something, you will think about how to say it with emotion and organize the language. After all, many people used to say right and wrong. Now they need to talk about their feelings and definitely need to switch. So, it takes a few seconds to say it, as if they can't speak.

But this usually only lasts for two or three weeks. After this period, it becomes very natural to express your feelings, and often you can say it at the first time. But whether there is aphasia can be used as a measure of whether a person is practicing emotion with heart, because people who practice emotion with heart will basically have aphasia.

Second, treat the ability of expression with a normal heart.

Expressing feelings is not a control skill or a spell. After you can't express your feelings, the other person will change immediately. Narration is only the most appropriate way of communication in emotional relationships, which is more conducive to emotional relationships than accusations, complaints and cold violence.

Narration can promote each other's understanding of themselves. Sometimes, the other person will make adjustments, but not every time you express your feelings, because the other person also has his own needs, desires, emotions, vulnerability, personality and so on. If you express your feelings, the other person will adjust, that is to say, the other person will completely live around your feelings, and the other person will completely lose himself, feel depressed and completely unable to do it.

However, although the other party may not adjust after expressing feelings, in the other party's mind, the feelings brought by expressing feelings are definitely much better than accusations, complaints and cold war.