True love is not so easy to appear, but fake love has been caught a lot. Many people describe cheating men and mistresses as: the time at home is not fragrant, and the shit outside is fresh. Many people are asking me the same question: Sister Si, what is true love? Are men and mistresses true love? Will they really be happy all their lives? I am divorced. Is chasing my little fresh meat really true to me? Or do you want to take advantage of me? Can I trust him? The unmarried girl asked me whether he liked me or loved me. ..... Today Sister Si will tell you about the differences between men and women and even between people. There are many schools of social psychology. In the book Social Animals, E aronson divides emotions into four categories: love, passionate love, partner love and perfect love. These four relationships are progressive. In other words, people start with love, then develop into passion, and then develop into a partner. Then some people may stop because of their partner's love, but some people can develop into perfect love. People always ask, what is true love? In fact, the words "true love" and "love" do not exist in psychology. There are only intimate relationships and attachment relationships in psychology, and then different schools are called partner love and perfect love. The word passion corresponds to psychological or biological hormones and dopamine. So, are there any rules in real life? Can we use these things to make a fuss? Can we have sex and dopamine? Yes, social psychology is such an interesting subject, which studies the relationship between people thoroughly. All laws can not only be defined, but also be confirmed from the laboratory point of view. You can even create love in the laboratory in many ways (don't get excited, I'll talk about methods in the next section). Today, we will answer questions from a scientific point of view, such as how love is produced, how passion is produced, how partnership is maintained, what is true love, and how the two interact. 0 1 What's the difference between liking and loving? A social psychologist named Ziko Rubin once pointed out the difference between love and liking: it doesn't just mean that love is an increase in liking, but that love contains a series of different emotions and auras of the loved one. He said that liking is a compliment and a friendly emotion. This kind of emotion can be directed at a class of people or a person. For example, I simply admire you and can be like. So which star do I like? This can be like. In other words, liking is a feeling that the other person is good, but it is not necessarily good to pay more. I have my own business. I can be warm to you when I think of you, or I can be warm to you when I have the opportunity to meet you, but the past is over. I ate this star today, but I may eat that star again tomorrow. Can I trust the person I like? There is a good chance that I can't. I will only try my best to show my ability, but I will hide my heart. How is this different from love? The word love does not really belong to psychology. If the category of intimate relationship is involved, there must be a sense of attachment, intimacy and concern for the inner feelings of the loved one. Similar to if I am with him or not, I will be very painful (attached), and I can express my feelings to each other, or anything (intimacy). In the laboratory, scientists will find that those couples who are emotionally stable make eye contact with each other more frequently and for longer when they finish the same thing. That is, they pay more attention to each other. So there are two obvious differences between like and love: 1, like is for a piece, not exclusive, dependent and intimate, but love between men and women is exclusive, dependent and intimate. 2. The attention of liking is low, but the attention of love is high. That is to say, the four stages listed above, like is one kind, passionate love, partner's love, and perfect love are collectively called love, which is another kind. Passionate love and partner's love The so-called passionate love is defined by scientists as a deformed ideology characterized by intense and irresistible force. Another point is that its heat will cool down over time, which means that the longer it lasts, the lower the enthusiasm for love, which scientists describe as similar to drugs and alcohol. How do drugs make you feel? Extremely happy, right? Then there is illusion, living in your own world. Some people say that drugs bring ten times as much pleasure as orgasm. The spiritual pleasure brought by such passionate love, if it can reach the level of drugs, is indeed stronger than orgasm. This is why passionate love can bring people a very strong sense of happiness. Then look at your partner's love. What are the characteristics of partner love? It is acceptance, stability, trust and reliability. What are its characteristics? Will deepen with time, that is to say, the feelings between two stable partners will become more and more stable and trust each other. Have you found that passionate love and partner's love are completely two directions? This is another matter. So I ask you now, what kind of love is there between mistress and the man who cheated on her? Passionate love or partner's love? Yes, passionate love. So, do you know what kind of feeling there will be between a cheating man and a mistress? They will have strong emotions, like riding a roller coaster, they will have a very strong sexual experience, very happy and happy, and they will love when they die irresistibly; Will they pay very, very much attention to each other, only look at each other, and then look at others? No, really? That's why we describe the cheating man as crazy as a brain-he doesn't care about anything, his career, his family, his children, he only cares about the man in front of him, and he only cares about mistress. A sister asked: I have been married to him for more than ten years, and I really don't talk about feelings at all? Turn a blind eye to my injury, forget it, even ignore the children. Is he still human? Yes, a madman can't see you at all. His attention is entirely on his mistress. In the same way, at this time, there are sisters who kneel down to change themselves and do something to save them, but he can't see anything. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. People are experiencing extreme happiness. We have to pull out. Can we pull it out? (I will talk about why fresh shit smells good here later. ) Unmarried sisters should also pay attention here. When you are in love, you may also experience this kind of love. When you fall in love with someone, he gives you a very strong emotional experience and makes you feel like heaven and earth. You think you've never been so crazy. You think this is true love. Then pay attention, high probability is not a good thing. This kind of strong feeling, I have done statistics in consultation, generally appears in the love that is unacceptable and unacceptable to the world, such as the wrong family, the wrong family and the affair. This feeling will be mixed with panic and helplessness about reality. In this case, your emotions will roll up and down, making you mistakenly think that such a strong stimulus is love, but it is actually just emotion. If you experience a very strong emotion and an irresistible feeling in a relationship, you can't get rid of it. Well, I tell you, it's passionate love. This is the most elementary stage of intimacy. But you can't do it without passionate love. Otherwise, how can we cheat humans into having children? hahaha. Therefore, everyone will experience passionate love more or less when they are in love. Some passionate love will develop into partner love after cooling, but some will not. Because the more passionate you are at the beginning, the more empty and lost you feel after the passion cools down. If there is no intimate relationship at this time, two people have not established a good way to get along with each other. When this sexual attraction and strong emotion no longer exist, there will be that kind of emptiness after going to bed, and feelings will slowly die out. Therefore, don't think that love to death is true love, but love to death will prevent you from entering the love of the other half. You will blame each other and kill each other because of the gap between reality and passion. (isn't the word murder a bit heavy? Hey, keep it. You can read it yourself. Do you want to say the worst things when you quarrel? How can you poke each other? In many movies and TV series, the hero and heroine overcome many difficulties and then come together. Speaking of weddings, the movie is over. But in fact, the real test between them has just begun. Is it simple to maintain the cheap passion of loving your partner and maintaining the growing love for your partner? It is not simple. It's not simple at all. Because a partner's love is accompanied by attachment and intimacy. Need mutual reliability, trust and stability. You see, these three words are actually like a relationship, that is, a cooperative relationship. There must be stability, trust and reliability between you and your partners, so that you can cooperate for a long time. Therefore, if you want your partner's love to last for a long time, you must first cooperate. If the cooperation fails, the relationship will not last long. A sister came to me and said, Sister Si, I don't think he cares about me. I'm going to have a baby, and I want a new moon. He said, do you think our mother can't take care of you? Then I got angry, Sister Si. I am so wronged. I told her to cry first, and then I told her that her mood was over. Let's see, the fact of this matter is that you want to invite Yueyue, and he has concerns, but he has not shown obvious refusal. If this is done as a project and you two are partners, what do you think? She said, I will list the benefits of having a new moon and convince him. I said, yes, it would be much easier if we did it in a cooperative way. Solve the problem first and the feelings will come naturally. She said, but I'm pregnant, shouldn't he follow me? I said, look, put feelings before cooperation. The essence of marriage is to live together in this world. If you can't cooperate well, you will lose the most basic thing, marriage. Without foundation, how can we talk about feelings? If the skin does not exist, how can the hair be attached? So, do you understand? Partner's love, cooperation comes first, love comes last. If you cooperate well, love will come naturally. Without cooperation, there will be no love. There is a fourth requirement for love for your partner-acceptance. This is an acceptance of your partner's shortcomings and weaknesses. People instinctively hide their weaknesses. No one wants to show his vulnerability in front of outsiders, but he can show it in front of his partner. Scientists have also confirmed that the more sincere, true and non-aggressive you show your feelings between your partners, the more you can deepen your love for each other. Most of those happy couples can tell each other clearly and frankly how they feel. The following are the two main points we talked about before: First, you can better express your original emotions and express your feelings. Second, you can see each other's primary emotions. Specifically, I went to see Sister Si's article about primary emotions and secondary emotions. Every time I express this emotional connection, my love for each other will deepen. This research comes from the laboratory and is supported by data. In other words, people who like to respect us and can express their private affairs and inner feelings to us [1]. The more he expresses, the more we love him. But it actually reminds me of those pua tricks: expressing my childhood misfortune. A liar uses this psychological trick to deceive people: the more vulnerable he is, the easier it is for us to be caught, thinking that he fell in love with himself before saying these words to himself, and then we will empathize with him (this is the experimental conclusion of social psychology: people prefer people who may like themselves). This is also the theoretical basis of the experiment I mentioned before. 28 private questions make you have love. Why do I say love is cheap? This is because love can be created in the laboratory. According to psychology, I can set many scenes and dialogues, and there is always one that will make you fall in love. As for how to create cheap love, we will talk about it in the next section. In the future, you will find that you can't help flirting with anyone you want. Quite simply, there are too many places where human nature can be used. So do you think there will be true love between mistress and cheating man? If they really have a chance to get married, how will their other half's love develop? There is no reliability, no stability, no acceptance between them, only camouflage and fantasy. The most important thing to maintain a partner's love is truth. If it were simple, there would be no problem of mistresses and men. They can't really face each other. Because they are in such an environment that violates common sense and morality, they have been defending their actions at the beginning of this relationship, that is, they have not shown their authenticity from the beginning. So, does getting married mean they are happy? There are too many examples of love and killing each other. So the next time you see your ex and mistress holding hands, do you want to repeat the same mistakes? Still crying? Not at all, right? Their love for the other half is groundless and doomed to suffer together. Through the explanation of this class, you should know that they are really just a kind of passion, and they are very cheap passion. Unfortunately, they themselves define this as true love. They abandon their wives and children for it, and some even say that they want to live for true love once. Sister Si can only say, read more books and read good books, otherwise she will regard cheap passion as true love, just like cheating men and women. Why do partners lose their freshness when they are together for a long time? Why does the shit outside smell good? Why is there no novelty after being together for a long time? This should start with a basic theory in social psychology-the theory of gain and loss. The core of this theory is that people like to be with people who pay the least price but can bring them the greatest return-social animals. What is a reward? People and things that make you feel good and can improve your self-esteem, so what does this have to do with freshness? The sense of gain refers to more and more returns. A sense of loss means losing more and more things you already have. Psychologists' research shows that people prefer more and more rewards than traditional rewards, because more and more rewards give us a sense of gain. Compared with nothing, people are more afraid of getting less and less in return, which will make people feel lost. In other words, happiness comes from gain, and fear comes from loss. This sentence is used by many people to manipulate people's minds and subvert your cognition (ah, more cases, the reality of dog blood, I advise you to read more books for the third time). So how do you use this sentence to explain that couples have been in love for a long time and have no novelty? Two people have been together for a long time, and the passion must be gone, right? If the person around me has always given me a very good sense of reliability and gentleness, he has always supported me and accepted me. At first, he praised me for caring about me, and I would feel good. But if he goes on for five years, will I still feel good about myself because of his words? You can't, can you? Because this will no longer make us feel a sense of gain, and the interests have reached the peak. That's why some couples say, why it feels good to be together at first, but it will be boring after a few months? Because of this, the reward is over and the sense of gain is gone. He won't get anything from you, so he won't feel happy Then this relationship will inevitably lose its appeal and become tasteless. Then let's see why the shit outside smells good. A stranger expressed his praise and recognition to us. Is this our harvest? As mentioned above, we prefer gradual appreciation to continuous appreciation. For example, letting someone who doesn't like us like ourselves will give us a great sense of gain and appeal. In particular, a person who is in the same circle as us expresses a kind of praise and recognition to us. Do we feel good about ourselves? -I was recognized again. In other words, this stranger has changed from not feeling for himself to appreciating, liking and recognizing himself, which is a kind of increasing love for us. In contrast, the people around us can't give us a sense of gain, but another attractive man gives us a great sense of gain. There is a sense of gain here, which can be expressed by another word-pleasure. So at this time, is this stranger more attractive to us than our other half? From the point of view of the cheating man: when he is with the other half, his sense of gain will be lost step by step, and we will not bring him happiness again. All he feels is a reliable, trustworthy and stable connection. At this time, an outside woman gave him great pleasure. What would he do? Are some men attracted by pleasure and can't hold it? (This article is written for the sisters of our cheating group, so the angle is one-sided. Let me clarify here that it is the same for women to cheat. Therefore, don't say that men cheat because women don't do well enough to make women more attractive. How can the love of an old couple's partner match the attraction of passionate love? Not even a fairy! This matter can only rely on men's own ability to distinguish, and this is not a mistake that men will make. Most people will not bow before this sense of gain. Only those men who regard passion as true love would do such a thing. Well, so naive, do you want to reflect on your choice of men? As for sex, even passionate love is not enough, which can be classified as animal love. Psychologically, every conclusion can be reversed. We just talked about the joy that gain brings, and the fear that loss brings. We are more afraid of increasing negation than consistent negation. In other words, if this person has been our opponent, we are not afraid of him. But if a person becomes an enemy from our friend, then we will be very afraid. It doesn't matter if a person doesn't love us all the time, but if a person gradually changes from our partner to not loving us, it will make us extremely afraid and miserable. What happens when people are afraid of losing? Desperate to restore the original relationship. This also explains why many people are obviously hurt when they cheat, but they don't answer blows with blows. But try to please each other and try to restore the original appearance. Therefore, Fourth Sister understands everyone's inner fear and sense of loss, and also understands everyone's hurry to go to the hospital. However, in order to get rid of this pain, we must overcome this sense of loss and accept the fact that he doesn't love us. When we can treat a stranger like we are not afraid of losing, the pain will be alleviated. At the same time, it also reveals a very cruel reality: emotionally, strangers can bring us passionate joy, but they will not hurt us. A partner can do us the most harm, but it won't bring us passionate joy. So, to sum up, as long as this person is a stranger, the increase of recognition can bring us a sense of gain and make us happy, but our other half can't, which is why many people look at the original match and smell the shit outside. When you enter your partner's love, the joy comes from strangers and the harm comes from people at the bedside. Starting from this theory, we can do many extended applications. Oh, welcome to your brain. For example, if he can hurt you, you can also hurt him ... Since happiness comes from increased love, how can we get happiness? Here's how to create freshness in a relationship. Wow, this method will make it possible for you to get in touch with "true love". Oh, look forward to it. Support one, comrades. Your support is my motivation to share. Tracking 1000 cases, consulting 10000 cases of marriage problem solvers, focusing on emotional trauma repair, and not allowing you to kneel down. I hope you can solve or avoid problems by reading my articles, and I hope you never have to come to me.