Medical Jokes

2007-11-19

1. Suspicion

An honest country gentleman came to the city to see dentisit. The doctor said he was going to give anesthesia, and the gentleman immediately took out his wallet.

Dentist: "Sir, there is no need to pay now."

Gentleman: "Oh, I just want to make sure how much money I have before I am anesthetized."

2. Get sick without following the book

There was a doctor who had very poor medical skills and had never really cured a patient. His friend accused him: "Don't you know how to treat diseases?"

"You are wrong, my friend. I have always been responsible for patients. Every time a patient comes, I always treat him with enthusiasm." Invite them to sit down, ask them about their illness, conduct a careful examination according to what the book says, and then treat them according to the medical book."

"Then, why have you never treated them? Better than a sick person?" asked my friend.

"You can't blame me. I treat diseases according to the book, but they never get sick according to the book!"

3. Stop doing this

When a dentist was using anesthesia to extract a very irregular tooth for a patient, he said: "Sit tight, sit tight, relax, don't be afraid, it won't hurt at all, it will be fine soon!"

The patient with his mouth open said: "Stop lying to me, I am a dentist myself!"

4. Help

Dentist: "Can you help me?" How many times? There are so many patients in the waiting room. I'm afraid I won't be able to make it to the game at four o'clock. But they mobilized a crowd and asked the driver to drive quickly to invite Professor Li, the city's most famous internal medicine expert, who was hosting an academic conference, to come to his home for treatment. After making the diagnosis, Professor Li quickly wrote a prescription and said: Hurry! Go to the hospital pharmacy to get medicine! The mayor asked in panic: Professor Li, why are you in such a hurry? If you are slow, you may not be able to make it in time! ah? Professor Li, what emergency do I have? No serious illness. I'm afraid I'm too late to get the medicine back and your illness will heal on its own.

6. The best hospital

A: "When you go to the hospital to see a doctor, when does it take the longest?"

B: "The time you wait for registration is the longest. ”

A: “What is the shortest time?”

B: “The shortest diagnosis time”

A: “What is the longest time?”

< p>B: "The most frequent fees."

A: "What is the least?"

B: "The fewest doctors who can treat patients."

7. Talking

There is a cross talk in Ma Ji about the occupational disease of doctors chatting while eating. Although it is exaggerated, there are indeed similar incidents. For example, last time, a few of our friends were having dinner in a small restaurant. During the dinner, one friend picked up a piece of liver and said to the other: Do you think this is the left lobe or the right lobe of the liver?

The other one was also unambiguous. After studying for a while, he said with certainty: left lobe! You can see that the branches of the portal vein run at a relatively straight angle, which is a characteristic of the left lobe of the liver.

Then he picked up a piece of fat intestine and asked, which piece of intestine do you think this is?

The former’s answer: This is the sigmoid colon, which has little fat content and smooth mucosa. Damn this restaurant is a fool! Use the sigmoid colon to pretend to be the rectum and sell it to us, boss!

The boss didn’t come over, but a guy from the table next to him came over with a pale face: Please, I’m going to marry you, don’t talk about this, okay?

8. A nurse who has been a nurse for more than 20 years

A went to the hospital for a health check-up. The nurse took a needle and wanted to draw blood for him. A looked at the shiny I couldn't help but ask: "Will it hurt? I'm afraid of pain!"

The nurse said: "Don't worry, I have been a nurse for more than 20 years..."

A said: "That's great, I'm relieved!"

Then the nurse inserted the needle, and only heard A's scream like a pig being killed, and then the nurse slowly continued. : "There is no pain-free time."

9. At least keep it

The doctor said to the patient about to have the surgery: "This operation has some risks. If it fails, it will cause your left side to be damaged." Hemiplegia."

The patient touched his lifeblood...

Doctor: "What are you doing?"

Patient: "I just put it. Move to the right. ”

10. Heart disease

An old woman over 70 once won a $10 million jackpot! However, her son and daughter, who were the first to learn about this, were very anxious, because the old woman had a very serious heart disease and could never be stimulated. So they went together to consult with the old woman's personal doctor. After the doctor found out, he racked his brains and finally came up with a solution.

A few days later, the old woman came to check her body, and the doctor sat next to her.

"Dear madam, shall we play a game called 'pretend'?"

"Of course, my doctor!"

" If you won a $10 million jackpot, what would you do first?"

"I will give you two-thirds of it! Because you have taken good care of me over the years! , doctor!”

Before he finished speaking, the doctor suddenly fell to the floor.

After examination, the doctor died of heart disease.

11. Surgeon's Bill

A rich man's wife accidentally fell and broke a femur. The rich man hired the best surgeon in the city to operate on his wife. The doctor used a screw to connect the patient's bones. The surgery was a success. The doctor charged the rich man $5,000. The rich man was very unhappy and thought it was unfair for the doctor to charge so much money for just using a screw. So he wrote a letter to the doctor, asking for a detailed account of the charges. Soon he received the bill from the doctor: 1 screw: 1 US dollar. Know how to put it in: 4999 US dollars. Total: 5000 US dollars. The rich man did not Say anything else.

12. Hope it will be successful

"Doctor, what is the possibility of the operation being successful?" "Oh, I have had 97 operations experience." "Then I'll be relieved. "Well! I also hope to succeed once."

13. Pulse measurement method

A nurse with plump breasts and a beautiful face said to the doctor hurriedly: "Please." You hurry up and check on that patient. I just measured his pulse, which was beating one hundred and twenty times a minute, and his eyes were staring at me motionless."

The doctor didn't panic. He said hurriedly: "First cover his eyes with gauze, and then measure him."

14. Wife's "worry"

Husband: "Doctor, I The wife has been worried about her clothes being stolen all day long."

Doctor: "Sir, does she have any symptoms?"

Husband: "Yes, doctor." She came home from get off work a little early, and when she got home, she discovered that she had hired a man to stand in the closet as a guard!"

15. The ending of curiosity

A mental hospital! There was a new nurse. This woman had just arrived. She saw a patient in the hospital walking around an ancient well and chanting: "13, 13,..." The little nurse was quite strange and couldn't think of this "13" "What does it mean? This is true even if we observe it for several days in a row. She always wanted to step forward and ask what was going on, but she was afraid that the patient would have an attack, so she never dared. One day, the little nurse finally couldn't restrain her curiosity. She slowly walked to the patient and looked into the well. Suddenly the patient grabbed the nurse's legs, lifted her up, and threw her into the well. Then she ran beside the well and read: "14, 14, 14,..."

16. Lucky and Unlucky

A patient who just woke up after surgery asked: "What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied: "You were in a car accident and you just had surgery. ."

"Then I'm in the hospital?" the patient said.

The doctor replied: "To be precise, most of your body is in the hospital."

17. What a man thinks

During the football match, Xiao Zhang Two of his fingers were seriously injured. The classmates helped him off the court and asked the doctor to treat him and bandage his fingers.

"Doctor," Xiao Zhang asked anxiously, "can I play the piano after my hand heals?"

"Of course!" the doctor asserted.

"You are really a brilliant doctor." Xiao Zhang said happily, "I couldn't play the piano before!"

18. Initial diagnosis and follow-up diagnosis

< p>A man went to see a doctor. He heard in advance that the doctor charged 6 pounds for an initial consultation and only 2 pounds for a follow-up consultation. When he got there, he first said: "Doctor, I'm here to see a doctor again."

"I don't think I have seen you," the doctor replied.

"Oh, you must have forgotten. I came last week."

"Maybe I forgot. How do you feel now?"

"Not good, not getting better at all."

"Come and check it out." The doctor checked him and then said: "Still take the medicine according to the last prescription for another week. Please pay now 2 pounds."

19. Echo

A patient with toothache came to the doctor. When the doctor examined his mouth, he exclaimed: "Oh! I have never seen your tooth cavity before. The biggest!” The patient said angrily: “You don’t have to repeat it!” "

20. Nervous patient

"Can you tell me? Why did you run out of the operating room?" the director asked an extremely nervous patient.

"The nurse said: 'Be brave, appendix surgery is easy!'"

"Isn't this right?"

"Oh! But This sentence was said to the doctor who was preparing to operate on me!"

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