1. Last night I came across a girl on WeChat and we were having a good chat. He asked me how I looked and I said she was ugly. He didn’t believe me and said, I can accept no matter how ugly you are. I sent her the photo. The girl just replied with one sentence and blocked me, "Brother, you are too tall for me!"

2. When Wang Anshi was 20 years old, he went to Beijing to take the exam and passed by a place during the Lantern Festival. A large family hangs lanterns to attract brides. The couplet said: "The revolving lantern, the lantern running, the lantern turned off, the horse stopped." Wang Anshi could not answer, but he remembered it in his heart. After arriving in Beijing, who knew that the couplet written by the examiner was actually: "Flying tiger flag, flying tiger flag, tiger hiding in flag roll." Wang Anshi answered with the couplet to recruit relatives, and won the Jinshi. When he returned home in fine clothes, he found that no one could answer the couplet, so Wang Anshi answered the exam question again, and unexpectedly got another beautiful daughter-in-law. ——This story tells us: If you have nothing to do, go for a walk instead of diving all the time, and you might encounter something good!

3. The doctor asked the patient how the fracture occurred. He replied: "I felt there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes against the telephone pole. I shook and shook. Someone thought I had been electrocuted, so he picked up the shoe. The wooden stick gave me two sticks.”

4. A group of classmates went to play at a classmate’s house in the suburbs. We bought some watermelons and put them in the kitchen. I asked a classmate to get a knife to cut it, and when he came back after a long time, he came back holding a cut melon in his hand and said in panic: I cut the pumpkin. Everyone laughed wildly, but two seconds later, everyone laughed even more. It turned out that he was holding a winter melon in his hand!

5. Once when I went to eat, I said to the boss when I was checking out: "Husband! Check out!" The wife of the boss was next to me at the time...

6. Two dumplings got married, and the bridal chamber On the night of flowers and candles, Mr. Dumpling saw off the guests and closed the door. He looked back and jumped and found a meatball lying on the bed. Mr. Dumpling asked: Where is my wife? Rouwanzi scolded: Idiot, you don’t recognize people when they take off their clothes.

7. It may not be the leader who goes to work every day, it may not be the boss who holds meetings every day, and it may not be the rich man who counts money every day, but it must be us working-class people who suffer from the same problem every day? Then I wish you an early promotion and exchange with them, hehe!

8. Mobile and Telephone got married and gave birth to a child named PHS. He was ugly and had poor signal. In order to find out more, Mobile and Telephone took PHS to do a DNA test. The result was shocking: Good boy! It turns out its father is a walkie-talkie!

9. I introduced someone to my colleague. When she came to the company the next day, she threw her bag on my desk and yelled at me angrily: "What best friend? You introduced me to me?" It’s a fucking thing!” I asked innocently, “What’s wrong?” She yelled angrily, “What bird man? Do you know what he said? "I asked: "He... what did he say!" My colleague said: "He said it's ready, let's go!" 10. I bought a watch and sent it to the same company two days ago. Goddess, later she said she didn’t like it and gave it back to me. I was contacting customer service to return the product. The customer service asked: "Has the protective film on the watch been torn off? I said not yet. Even after opening the package, the package has not been opened." The customer service said: "Then they said they don't like you, no. I don’t like watches! ”

11. Note to robbers: Our staff only understands this. Please be patient when robbing, and it is best to bring a translator with you. Thank you!

12. God promised to fulfill my two wishes. I took out the globe and said I wanted world peace, but God said to change it to another one. I took out your photo and said I want this person to be more beautiful, and God said show me the globe again!

13. In fact, you are very good. Small eyes are easy to focus; thick lips are attractive; dark skin is healthy; square face is righteous. However, in order to prevent traffic accidents from increasing in this city, we sincerely recommend that you travel at night instead.

14. I went grocery shopping with my husband. The aunt who often does grocery shopping asked her husband when she saw her for the first time: Is this your brother? You look good. Do you have a girlfriend? My daughter is not married yet... I kept nagging her and my husband took my hand and left. My aunt was still chasing me, and my husband was pulling me faster and faster. I couldn’t catch up and had no choice but to yell: You haven’t paid for the food yet...

15. Girlfriend: I think you look very similar. a thing. Man: What is that? Female: sanitary napkin. Man: Because I can have the most intimate contact with you? Woman: No. Man: Why is that? Woman: Because I can pretend...

16. Late at night, my husband has not returned. The daughter anxiously called her mother: "Mom! If he hasn't come back yet, there must be another woman!" The mother comforted her softly: "Silly boy, don't think of the worst, maybe he was in a car accident!"

17. I had an argument with my wife the day before. When I took the bus to work the next day, I took out my wallet and saw that my bus card had turned into my ID card. I quickly searched my pocket for change, and after searching for a long time I saw a piece of paper, which said: "There are two dollars under your insole! This time it is a warning!"

18. Long-distance relationship, the boy said yes I came back in 81 days, so I bought 81 kinds of snacks for my girlfriend and said: You eat one every day, and I will come back after eating. Later, in order to give the girl a surprise, the boy came back on the third day. The girl cried and said: You really didn't lie to me. You came back just after I finished eating.

19. Someone played the violin on the stage at the company’s annual meeting, and everyone felt bored and ate.

I suddenly said something to my colleague in a stupid way: He was on top, and we were eating below...

20. Shit and pee are the same. One day, Shit was hit by a car while crossing the road, and Pee said: 我好想大便啊……

　21、表弟早恋，被我姑父一顿猛揍。 This guy was very unconvinced and said, "My girlfriend is very beautiful. If I don't do it now, I won't have a chance in the future. Then I can only find someone like you like my mother."

22. Politics teacher One time during a lecture, I said, "Let me give you an example." Then I felt it was wrong, so I added, "Let me give you an example."

23. There are many ways to end a friendship, the most radical one is to borrow money and not repay it.

24. Some students like to smoke and poop at the same time. One time, they came out of the toilet and said loudly: Ah, smoking and pooping, it’s so cool!

25. "Husband, the quality of our new car is really good, and the airbags are particularly effective." "Stop trying this useless thing. Tell me where the car hit?" "The big tree at the door... …”

26. I always kept 100 yuan in the leather cover of the steering wheel for emergency use. One day I heard my son and other children say: My dad makes money when he presses the car horn! Damn it, no good! When I saw that it was gone, I asked him where the money was. He told me to give it to my mother and gave me a dollar as a reward. After saying that, he looked at me proudly. Son, if you see money in the future, tell dad and dad will give you 10 yuan!

27. Question: "How many kinds of people are there in the world?" Answer: "Four kinds of people: people with two mouths (women); people with three legs (men); people with two legs and one mouth Human (eunuch); three-legged woman (transvestite)." Question: "Who is the one with four legs?" Answer: "Alien!" Question: "Who is the one who knows everything from birth?" Answer: "Two possibilities: the first is a strange baby; the second is the second Jesus."

28. The difficulty in marriage is that we fall in love with each other's strengths, but not with her Living with the shortcomings.

29. "Husband, what do you think has changed in me?" "No." "Really not? Take a closer look." He even puffed out his chest. "Oh, my breasts have gotten bigger." "Yes!" The wife smiled proudly. "I can definitely say that it is adulterated!"

30. In my eyes, you are always so carefree, you always eat with relish, and you always sleep soundly. I really envy you. Sometimes I think about it, being a pig is quite good!

31. The old couple went to take pictures, and the photographer asked: "Do you want metering, backlighting, or full light?" The uncle said shyly: "I don't care, can you leave a note for your aunt?" Underpants? ”

32. Have you ever heard of “cooking food”? Today, a second-rate co-worker brought the same dish as me, shredded green pepper and pork, ants climbing a tree, and I watched him while he was heating the rice. When we arrived, in the spirit of entertainment, I put my hand on his lunch box and yelled "Copy", then put my hand on my own lunch box and yelled "Paste", then opened the lunch box to eat. My second-rate colleague started to pester me since I was eating. It’s been an hour since I learned this skill. Who will save me?

33. A monk visits someone else’s house. When the master saw that he was a monk, he asked: "Master, do you drink?" The monk smiled and said: "I can drink a little wine, but I never eat vegetarian food."

34. One time my uncle met My sister-in-law was applying Dabao when she suddenly shouted, "Your skin is so good, why do you still use Dabao?"

35. A polar bear stayed alone on the ice in a daze. It was bored and started to pull itself out. He played with his hair, one, two, three, until finally no one was left, and then he died of the cold.

36. When I have a conflict with someone, I want to say "get lost", but I say it too fast and it turns out to be "Quack" in front of everyone.

37. The teacher asked the students: How to explain that "sharing pain with others will reduce the pain by half"? Xiao Lun replied: If my father beats me, I will beat my brother right away!

38. A horse and a donkey fell in love. The horse said: I love you. The donkey said: I love you too. The horse said: Kiss me. The donkey said: No, my mother said. Oh, the donkey's lips are not the horse's mouth!

39. A beautiful woman in the office loved to show off. One day she praised her skin in front of many people: "Look, my skin is like a peeled egg." Another employee was silent for a moment. Yes, I said something very seriously: "It's a tea egg."

40. Manager: Xiao Li, why does the code you wrote have bugs? You are so careless! Xiao Li raised his pale face after working overtime for three days in a row: "Are you justified in finding fault with me?" Occasionally pick out a ug and see how awesome you are! You can say I'm stupid, but you can't say I'm not serious!

41. On the Chinese Valentine's Day, the Weaver Girl came down to take a bath, met the Cowherd, and performed a love story that shocked the world and wept ghosts and gods. Zhao Ling'er was taking a bath outside and met Li Xiaoyao, and also staged a fairy couple. Yuan, this incident at least tells us one thing: there is no chance to take a bath at home, you must go outside to wash it.

42. A man’s big toe suddenly turned blue. The miracle doctor diagnosed it as cancer, so he removed it. A few days later, the second toe also turned blue. After the removal, three days later, the entire sole of the foot turned blue, so he had to be transferred to a large hospital. Finally, Expert consultation made the diagnosis: socks faded.

43. Two hundred passengers waited for twenty-four hours before they could finally board the plane.

While passing through airport security, one passenger shouted: What's the need? If anyone had a weapon, he would have fired.

44. Why did my phone break after I put it in airplane mode and threw it from the fourth floor?

45. A scientist conducted an experiment with pigs and penguins in the refrigerator to see who has the strongest cold tolerance. A few hours later, the penguin froze to death, but the pig somehow survived. Did you know?

46. When one or two people say I am fat, I don’t take it seriously, but when more and more people say I am fat, I know the seriousness of the matter. There are really more and more liars

p>

47. I remember back then, when I punched Nanshan Nursing Home and kicked Beihai Kindergarten. All of them were knocked down when they were less than one meter tall. I stamped my feet in the morgue and said, "If you don't accept it, stand up!" No one dared to breathe.

48. I had a dream last night. I dreamed that the Taibai Venus told me a lot about our past. It turned out that we were both gods five hundred years ago. I cried because I remembered everything. Xiaotian, I am Erlang Shen, do you still remember me?

49. You travel to Xishuangbanna, Yunnan, and are attacked by a group of wild boars on the way. The tourists all take out food and money, but the wild boars are unmoved, so you take out your only ID card.

The pigs knelt down and cried bitterly: Boss, we have found you!

50. I went to the ATM to deposit money at noon. When I was queuing, the beautiful woman behind me asked me: "Are you depositing money?" , we don’t have to queue up." I thought it made sense, so I gave her the money...