1. The principal and English teacher visited a middle school in France. The principal spoke in the auditorium and the English teacher translated.

Principal: "Dear teachers and classmates!"

English teacher: "ladies and gentlemen!"

Principal: "Ladies and gentlemen!" ! ”

English teacher-_-! After thinking for a moment, he said: "Good morning!"

Principal: "Good morning!"

English teacher:... ==" Khan

2. Say There was a polar bear who had to wear sunglasses to see because the snow was too harsh. But he couldn't find the sunglasses, so he closed his eyes and crawled around on the ground to look for it. He crawled and crawled until his hands and feet were dirty. I was so embarrassed that I found my sunglasses. I put on my sunglasses and looked in the mirror, and then I realized: Oh, it turns out I am a panda

3. A polar bear stayed alone on the ice in a daze, which was really boring. He started to pull out his own hair, one, two, three, and finally there was no hair left, and then he died of cold.

4. Once upon a time, there was a bird that he would pass by every day. There was a corn field, but unfortunately, there was a fire in that corn field one day, and all the corn turned into popcorn!!! After the bird flew over...it thought it was snowing, and it died of cold.

5. Xiao Ming got a new haircut. When he came to school the next day, his classmates saw his new hair style and laughed: Xiao Ming, your hair looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt aggrieved and ran to the school. Crying outside, he flew up.

6. The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly rejected it. The spider asked: Why? The butterfly said: My mother said.

7. On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana in front suddenly felt very hot. He said, "It's so hot." , I wanted to take off my clothes, but he peeled off the skin. Then the banana with the clothes off turned into a dried banana~

8. , three explorers finally found the "Valley of Hope". Legend has it that as long as you stand on the edge of the valley and shout what you want, and then jump into the valley, you will get what you want in a pit full of valleys. So the three of them decided to give it a try

The first one was a pervert, so he yelled "Woman!" woman! "If he jumped down, there would be a lot of beauties waiting for him.

The second one was a nerd and shouted "Books, books, books!" "Then, he jumped into the valley and got a lot of books.

The third one was an indecisive person. He couldn't decide on his favorite after thinking about it. After an hour, he Finally he made up his mind and felt that banknotes were the most useful, so he walked towards the edge of the valley. When he accidentally kicked a stone, he cursed "shit!" "Unexpectedly, his center of gravity was unstable and he fell down the valley.

9. As for Xiao Ming, he has to take the exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV at night

Xiao Ming's mother asked worriedly: Shudu Have you finished reading? There is a test tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied readily: Mom, I have finished reading.

Xiao Ming’s mother happily praised Xiao Ming: “Good boy, you will take the test tomorrow.” It's going very well

Xiao Ming cried and said, "Mom, I see, it's over."

10. The panda loves the deer deeply and expresses his love. But he was rejected. Panda yelled~Why? Why is all this happening? Xiaolu said timidly: My mother said that those who wear sunglasses are bad boys.

11. On the way! My feet suddenly felt sore while walking! Why is this happening? Because Xiao Ming stepped on a lemon!

12. Which Chinese character is the coolest?

< p>Jin" said to "Coin": My son. When you put on your doctorate hat, your worth will be a hundred times greater.

"Chi" said to "Jin": Sister, the results are out. You are pregnant with twins.

"Chen" said to "Ju": The area is the same as yours. I have three bedrooms and two living rooms.

13. One day, a university teacher asked a student, there are ten birds in the tree, if one is shot and killed, how many are left?

The student asked: Is it a silent pistol? Wasn't the gunshot loud? 80-100 decibels. Is it illegal to hunt birds in this city? Don't commit. Are you sure that bird was really killed? Sure. At this time, the teacher was already impatient: "Just tell me how many birds are left, okay? Are there any deaf birds in the tree? No. Are there any that are locked in a cage and hung on the tree? No." Are there other trees nearby? Are there any other birds in the trees? If a bird is pregnant, does it count as a baby in the belly? Are there any flowers in the bird's eyes? Ten. The teacher was already sweating, and the bell rang, but the student continued to ask: Are there any birds that are so stupid that they are afraid of death? Can the student be confident? Say: If your answer is not deceptive, "If the bird that was killed hangs on the tree and does not fall off, then there is only one bird left; if it falls off, there is no bird left."

The teacher immediately foamed at the mouth and fell to the ground!

14. One day, someone was passing by a crossroads and discovered something super scary. He found that Kakashi and Sun Wukong were actually laughing!

15. A long time ago, one night, there were three shrimps in the pond. Hahaha, a female ghost farted and died.

16. A female alien who was engaged in biological research came to the earth. After walking around, she felt that human genes had a lot to learn from, so she captured a man and wanted to marry him Bring back textual information about human genes. But the spacecraft is too small to take him away, and the data is too huge to be taken away at once. When she was anxious, the computer help system of the spacecraft said: "This man has a small stick on his body that can solve all your problems..." Then she suddenly realized it, smiled and said to the man with saliva: "... . . . Give me the USB drive!”

17. There was a boy who was crossing the road and was accidentally crushed by a truck. When he was dying, he looked at his body and said: "It turns out that I am a bean paste stuffing, not "Meat stuffed"

18. Brother, stop touching it! If you touch the top and bottom, the hair will fall off. Such tender skin will bleed when you touch it! How do you want me to sell it in the future? These peaches are all fresh, just forget it if you don’t want to buy them!

19. Once upon a time there was a little lamb. One day he went out to play and met a big bad wolf. The big bad wolf said: I will eat you! ! ! The lamb was shocked! Guess what happened? As a result, the big bad wolf ate the lamb.

20. Once upon a time, there was a swordsman. He was very cold, his heart was very cold, his sword was very cold, and he died of coldness in the end.

21. Once upon a time, there was a tiger chasing a deer on the road. ! The deer was frightened and ran faster and faster, and finally it turned into a highway

22. There was a tomato that was hit by a stone and smashed, and another tomato fell to pieces again. There is another tomato, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, countless tomatoes smashed to pieces, and the last tomato also fell, tap, tap, tap! Ketchup!

23. The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a landmine during combat? The company commander was very angry: Damn, what can we do? If you step on it, you will be compensated according to the price.

24. One day, the three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by the big bad wolf. The big bad wolf effortlessly destroyed the thatched house, the wooden house, and the brick house. The three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but they were still caught up by the big bad wolf. The three little pigs said desperately, "It's up to you." We give up, do whatever you want. At this time, the big bad wolf smiled evilly and said with saliva: Then tell me where is Little Red Riding Hood?

25. The elephant defecated in the middle of the road. An ant happened to be passing by. It looked up at the mist-shrouded peak and couldn't help singing: Yalasuo, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

26. When you check in at the railway station but don’t have any paper, don’t worry, the train will remind you: Wipe your pants, wipe your pants, wipe your pants! When you are playing tuba by the river but don’t have any paper, don’t worry, the frog will tell you: stick scrape, stick scrape, stick scrape!

27. Two counterfeiters accidentally made counterfeit bills with a face value of 15 yuan. They decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they took a 15 yuan bill, they bought 1 yuan of candied haws. , they cried, and the farmer gave them two pieces worth 7 yuan.

28. Someone’s newly installed phone happened to be returned from a movie theater, so people often called to ask about the movies being shown. At first, he always explained nicely that the phone no longer belonged to the movie theater. It's his now, please don't call again in the future. As time goes by, he feels very annoyed, so when he receives such calls, he simply says: "You dialed the wrong number!" This also saves some saliva. One day, a familiar voice came from the other party: "Excuse me, what movie is showing now?" He said as usual: "You made the wrong number!" After a while of silence, the other party replied: "Is it a domestic film or a foreign film?

29. A man climbed the wall and left the school. He was caught by the principal. The principal asked: Why don't you go through the school gate? The principal replied: Metersbonwe, don't take the ordinary way. The principal asked again: How can you climb over such a high wall? Yes? He pointed to his pants and said: Li Ning, everything is possible.

The principal asked again: What does it feel like to climb over the wall? He pointed to his shoes and said, "Xtep, it feels like flying." On the third day he entered the school from the main entrance, the principal asked: Why don't you climb over the wall? He said: Anta, I choose, I like it. On the third day, he wore mixed clothes, and the principal said: You can't wear mixed clothes! , Semir clothing. On the 4th day, he wore a vest to school. The principal said, "Man, just keep it simple. I will give you a serious offense." The principal said: "Why?" Say, M-Zone, I have the final say on my territory.

Life at 30 is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4,000 yuan from me and said he wanted to have plastic surgery. The result is now complete. I don’t know what he has become, Oh 4,000 yuan.

31. Note to robbers: Our staff only understand Spanish. Please be patient when robbing. It is best to bring a translator. Thank you. !

32. Are you blind? You can’t see such a big shield, but you want to throw a stone at my head!

33. I think I should lose weight! , the last time I donated blood, a hundred milliliters of lard actually leaked out.

34. Tourist: Master, is that thatched house over there a toilet? Monk: Except for the thatched cottage, the rest of the place is a toilet.

35. The hair is gone and the dandruff is even better!

36. Shit and piss are good brothers. One day Shit was hit by a car while crossing the road, and piss said: I really want to poop...

37. Yesterday I signed up to participate I went to a weight loss training class and they asked me to wear loose clothes during the training. Is this unreasonable? If there are loose clothes, then why should I sign up?

38. My wife and I haven’t spoken for 18 months, and I have no chance to interrupt her.

39. Thief A: Count how much money you robbed today? Thief B: No, I’ll find out by reading the newspaper tomorrow.

40. Stand higher and pee further

41. Go your own way and let others take a taxi.

42. Wear other people’s shoes, walk your own path, and let them find it.

43. Late one night, a young woman was passing by a mental hospital when suddenly a "wow" sound came from behind. The woman turned around and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman was so frightened that she ran away, followed by the man behind her. No, there is a dead end ahead. The woman is desperate. She knelt on the ground and cried and begged: "You can do whatever you want. I just ask you not to kill me." The man smiled slyly and said, "Really? Now you Start chasing me."

44. At a literary evening, the host came on stage and announced: Please enjoy: Xinjiang singing and dancing, lift your skull! The whole place was silent and terrifying! ! ! Cold~~~

45. If a tiger doesn’t send a cat, you think I’m critically ill!

46. A person in our dormitory had to pee after drinking too much and then made a cold remark: If you drink too much pee, you will have too much wine.

47. My sister and I went to Li Ning to buy shoes. My sister said, "Miss, how much do these shoes cost per pound?"

48. In the past, people came to my aunt's house as a guest. Just walked in. It happened that my aunt had to go to the toilet. She quickly greeted the guests and said: "You guys sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!"

49. When I was in college, a classmate and I were arguing about a problem, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. He slapped the table and stood up shouting: You are talking nonsense, I am not stupid! I spit on your shit

50. When I was young, the popsicle and ice cream sellers usually pushed bicycles to sell ice cream. Once, I heard an aunt in the house shouting: New ice cream, hot. (I guess my aunt used to sell fried cakes and fried dough sticks)

51. When my colleague was arguing with someone, he got anxious and said, "Do you think I grew up eating?" I have always wondered what he ate to grow. Big ones. "

52. Once when a KTV requested a song, a girl shouted loudly: Please order me a song "Double Jay Chou" by Zhou Jiegun.

53. One day in the big forest, the fox I was smoking marijuana. At this time, the little rabbit ran from a distance. Seeing all this, he came over and said: Fox, fox, how can you smoke marijuana? It is not good for your health. Look, the air is so fresh. Come and join me. Let's run together. The fox thought about it right, so he ran with the little rabbit. As they ran, they saw the elephant taking heroin. The little rabbit ran over and said to the elephant: Elephant, elephant, what are you doing? Take drugs, look at how fresh the air is, come and run with me. The elephant thought it was right, just the two of them were running together, and they saw the lion rolling up his sleeves and about to inject heroin, and the little rabbit was far away. He shouted to the lion: Lion, lion, taking drugs is not good for your health. Look at how fresh the air is. Come run with me... I saw the lion put down the syringe and rushed over, and gave the little rabbit a slap in the face. The elephant was trembling. Said to the lion: Why did you hit the little rabbit? He didn’t want us to hurt our bodies! The lion said: Since the rabbit took ecstasy, he asked me to run with him every day.

54. In summer, A giraffe met a rabbit, and she proudly showed off her neck to the rabbit: Oh, little rabbit, do you know how nice it is to have a long neck? Do you know how fresh and sweet those top leaves are? Do you know the feeling of drinking water in summer? The refreshing water slowly passed through the neck. Rabbit glanced at her and only said: "Have you ever tried to vomit?" ”

55. Once my brother hit me, and a bag was placed on my head. Later, when my brother wanted to pack something, he couldn’t find the bag, so he took the bag on my head to hold something.

56. Once upon a time, there was a marshmallow who played ball for a long time. He said: I am so tired, I feel like my whole body has softened.

57. Once upon a time, there were two snowmen. One said: I am so cold. The other said: I am also very cold. The other said: Let’s hug each other, so guess what? What happened next? Then they were so cold.

58. When I was a kid, I was dishonest about eating. In order to educate me, an old farmer said to me: Sixty years of hard work, no food, and I never threw away the boogers I picked out

< p>59. There was a rich man looking for a servant. The interview topic was to use the toilet. The first few came out without washing their hands after using the toilet. The rich man sent them away. Only one of them washed his hands, so the rich man kept him. .But one day, the rich man found that he came out without washing his hands. The rich man asked him why? The servant replied: "I brought toilet paper today..."

60. A man saw a store There was a big sale, so I walked in. "What are you buying?" "I want to buy dog ??food." "We have regulations, you must prove that you have a dog." "Where is such a regulation?" "This is what discounted goods are like." The man spent a long time with the salesperson. , the salesperson still refused to sell it to him and there was nothing he could do. The man had to go home and bring the dog with him, and then he bought the dog food. A few days later, the man went to the store again to buy cat food and said, "Give me two boxes of cat food." "We have regulations, you must prove that you have a cat." It was the same salesperson, and the man spent another long time with her, but still couldn't get the result. I bought cat food without going home and bringing the cat with me. A few days later, the man came to the store carrying a large cardboard box with a hole in it. He asked the salesperson, "What are you buying?" "You'll know when you put your hand in." The salesperson put his hand in and said, "What is it?" "Yeah, it's sticky." "I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

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