Karma is the biggest obstacle to your meditation. Your mind is full of hatred. Your heart will be depressed and tired. Everything is intentional. If you don't meditate, you don't know what you will do. Let go of what should be put down, let your heart rest for a while, adjust your mentality and concentrate on Buddhism. I know what you think. Suicide is more sinful. The material body is just the body of the soul, a beautiful thing. That is the reality. Everyone is pretending to hide their ugliness: white hair and black hair, plastic surgery, decoration, decoration, decoration and so on. It's all hypocrisy. You said, I am neither born nor dead now, can I get rid of karma? Say no for sure. You care so much about karma. You haven't put it down at all. Put it down and you won't have this idea. My heart is dead, what can I not let go of? If you put it down, it will naturally be eliminated. At that time, you will not be far from becoming a Buddha. It's only a matter of time. What I said is not so simple. Have a Buddha in your heart. It is not enough to keep in mind the five virtues and ten commandments from the Buddha, cultivate one's morality and cultivate one's nature, and be afraid of suffering a little. It is impossible to endure a little torture. No one can escape the law of cause and effect. Reading a little Buddhist scriptures is not enough. Read more books and understand the meaning of Buddhism.