I am a snake, lively and active, very beautiful, and I like "the lone ranger" very much. Love reading, typical bookworm. I like lying flat on the bed, rolling and twisting on the bed. I am a standard snake.
Dad is a happy big horse and loves to laugh. My father is very concerned about my study. He pays close attention to my study. He calls me every night. Dad likes to go out to play. He always takes me and my mother running around, and every time he goes out, he gets something. Dad can also play table tennis. He always comes home with a full load. I like dad very much.
My mother is a beautiful golden dragon and watches me do my homework every night. Mom is a little wordy, but these are reminders of love! My mother cooks delicious meals and always fills me up. My mother is a worker. She wants me to be admitted to a good school. My mother pinned all her hopes on me.
My grandmother is also a dragon. My grandfather is a big cock. They care about me and love me very much. They gave me all their love and hoped that I could be admitted to a good school this year.
This is my zoo. Come to my house to play when you are free.
Expert comments:
The title of the article is novel and captures the reader's attention. By describing the author as a standard snake, his father as a happy horse, his mother as a beautiful golden dragon, his grandmother as a dragon and his grandfather as a rooster, this paper shows different family figures and expresses the author's love for the family. Language is natural, friendly and infectious.
Visiting the zoo in summer vacation On Sunday morning, my parents and I went to the zoo to see small animals.
I came to Waterfowl Lake and saw two happy white swans singing in the water. Their songs are beautiful and their voices are crisp.
Walking north along the path beside waterfowl lake, on the lawn, I saw "old friends" and two guinea fowl, who were strolling leisurely. These two guinea fowl are much bigger than they were three or four years ago.
Going west, I came to the "parrot house" and saw a purple-blue macaw from Brazil, the largest parrot in the world. It is called "light light blue". Its feathers are very beautiful, its mouth and claws have very sharp hooks, and it can easily stand on the iron fence. It likes to stand on its head, but it doesn't like to "talk".
Another macaw lives in the blue next door. When the breeder feeds raw peanuts to Honghong, Honghong will hook the iron fence with his mouth and put his claws together to express his gratitude to the breeder.
Walking east and north, I came to the aquarium. I bought a pack of feed myself to feed the small fish in the pond. They eat well. There is a big white fish in the pond. Its head is amazing, half a meter long.
Continuing into the aquarium, I came to the "Touch Pool". I touched a starfish, which felt very comfortable, slippery and soft.
How time flies! Soon, in the evening, I will say goodbye to the animals. I had a good time in the zoo.
north
Expert comments:
This is a narrative, and the little author tells us the scene of a family visiting the zoo in simple language. The article describes the animals in the order of sightseeing, with appropriate details, prominent focus, accurate and delicate description, concise beginning and end, and clear organization.
During the National Day holiday in Jinan Zoo, it was crisp in autumn and sunny. My brother and I went to Jinan Zoo to play.
Running all the way at high speed, I came to the zoo early. First of all, I saw a cute little monkey crawling around Monkey Mountain, playing around, really lively; This lazy bear is basking in the sun. I threw it a peach and it just caught it. It's really interesting. We saw the two-humped camel again. It's really like carrying a hill, so lifelike. Tall giraffes are quietly grazing, which looks like a sculpture from a distance; Hippos eat grass slowly there, which is really leisurely; Asian elephants are playing with grass with their noses. African elephants are very big. Their ears are bigger than my schoolbag. It's fun to spray water on their noses. Red and green macaws are still imitating me; The little orangutan stretched out his two front paws and asked the breeder's aunt to hug him, just like a baby looking for a mother to spoil. There is also an orangutan playing with his uncle, the keeper. The caretaker's uncle turned it around and put it down. Just after he put it down, the two hind paws of the little orangutan reached into his uncle's hand again, and he wanted to play. It's really interesting. Zebras drink water there, and the stripes are picturesque; The tiger walked up and down the mountain as if thinking about something; It's terrible that the lion sticks out its claws; Sea lions swim around in the pool; An ostrich's legs are higher than mine, and its feet have two separate toes. This is the first time I have seen such a big bird in the world. I also saw egrets, golden monkeys, jackals, peacocks, vultures, swans, takins, antelopes, golden pheasants and pandas. ...
There are countless animals in Jinan Zoo. How much!
Expert comments:
This article describes all kinds of animals that the author saw in the zoo. "There are countless animals in Jinan Zoo, so many!" This sentence highly summarizes the content of the second paragraph, and if the little author can describe all kinds of animals in detail, the focus will be more prominent.
Visiting the Zoo This summer vacation, my family went to Beijing with the tour guide and visited the zoo.
We bought tickets and went to Monkey Mountain as soon as we entered the door, because our family likes monkeys best. Monkeys are the cleverest and cutest. When we arrived at Monkey Mountain, we squeezed into the crowd and saw monkeys jumping up and down, climbing high and climbing low, and some monkeys squatted at the mouth of the cave to take a look; Some monkeys climb on the railings, waiting for tourists who like them to feed them. We threw a banana to the monkey, and the monkey ate it wisely.
We walked on. When we arrived at the Peacock Garden, the peacocks couldn't wait to unfold their feather screens. We are dazzled, and the beautiful feather screen looks even more beautiful under the sunlight, like a big colorful fan. But according to the tour guide, only male peacocks can open the screen. They tried to attract female peacocks. Look! The beautiful peacock walks proudly. He seems to say, "Look at my beautiful feathers, which one of you can be more beautiful than me."
We walked on, and suddenly, a "ouch" startled us. It turned out that the big tiger lost his temper. Look, it's complaining that we didn't give it food. It looked around greedily as if looking for something. No wonder no one feeds it with its fierce eyes.
I saw the clumsy big stupid bear, the cute giant panda and the clever little squirrel ... they look different and have different personalities. They are really cute.
Expert comments:
This narrative details the author's visit to the zoo. Through a set of parallelism sentences, the "family's favorite monkey" is vividly introduced; "The most beautiful peacock, the fiercest tiger" is vivid in the author's pen, and with reasonable imagination, people seem to be there.
Hey, alpaca, that's funny. Have fun at the zoo. My mother and I walked to the herbivore area. I saw a big brother feeding the animals in the picture with leaves, so I dragged my mother here. This kind of animal looks like sheep and camels. Mother asked her brother in a blue coat with leaves and said, "What animal is this, little friend?" He put the leaf to the animal's mouth and said, "Aunt, this is an alpaca." We also saw the sign hanging on the fence. It's alpaca hair No wonder it looks like sheep and camels.
Looking at the leaves in my eldest brother's hand and the alpacas eating them with relish, I said to my mother, "Mom, I want to feed the alpacas, too." Mom smiled and agreed. I ran to a big tree and picked up some leaves to feed the alpaca. This lovely little thing slowly eats the leaves in my hand, and I am very happy. At this time, a few more children came. Let's pick up the leaves and feed them to the alpacas. After a while, the fallen leaves of that big tree were picked up by our children. I looked around to see if there were any leaves around, but I didn't see any.
We have to look elsewhere. Looking at the lovely alpaca, I am a little reluctant to leave. I don't want to leave the alpaca When I saw them looking at me, they seemed to say to me, "Welcome to play with me again, little friend. I like cute children best. "
Mom urged me. Goodbye, lovely alpaca. I will come again.
Expert comments:
The center of this article is not prominent, and there is an interesting place in alpaca that is not clearly written. The language is dull and there is no vivid description of alpacas. I hope to learn more writing skills in the future to make my articles more readable.
Traveling to the zoo today, the air is fresh and the sky is clear. The teacher took us to the zoo for an autumn outing.
We first went to Zhang Ling Park and saw gorillas. The gorilla beckoned and asked us for something. One of them threw it a bottle of juice. Orangutans are very clever. When he bit it with his teeth, the bottle cap fell off. He gulped it down with both hands. My friends and I laughed so hard that our stomachs hurt!
We went to the beast area again and saw the mighty tiger. An uncle animal trainer took a live hen and threw it into the tiger pen. Before the chicken landed, the tiger got up, jumped up, grabbed the plump hen with sharp claws and began to enjoy its delicious meal. Further on, we also saw leopards, wolves and hounds. ...
I saw two kinds of ostriches in the ostrich garden, one with white eyes and the other with red eyes. The child next to him said, "Is the ostrich with red eyes drunk?" We all laughed.
The newly-built Panda Pavilion is very beautiful. There are three pandas living here. They should be a family! Papa panda and Mama panda live happily here with their babies. Panda is a first-class protected animal in China. It looks really cute: round body, thick fur, simple appearance, I really want to hug it.
How interesting it is to spend a day in the zoo!
Expert comments:
This is a travel book about the zoo. Based on our whereabouts, the article describes in detail the "Zhang Ling Garden, Beast Area, Ostrich Garden and Panda Pavilion" in the zoo. Disadvantages: the sentence is not fluent, such as "I had a good time at the zoo", which should be changed to "Have a good time at the zoo".
Diary-Visiting Daxing Wildlife Park and Digging Sweet Potato 2011-kloc-0/0-19
Today, we go for an autumn outing. There are many interesting things! Next, I will tell you.
We went to Daxing Wildlife Park first. I saw big tigers, peacocks, birds with colorful feathers, chickens, mandarin ducks and wild ducks. Interestingly, there is a kind of sucking fish. Think about it, fish can actually suck milk from a bottle with their mouths! We also watched an animal show. There are lions crossing the bridge, and lion eyebrows are around makeup; There are monkeys riding bicycles, monkeys standing upside down, bears swinging, bear rings, bears crossing bridges and bears riding bicycles; The bear jumped the fence. There are three little bears: Xixi, who works hard; A grumpy Phoebe and a bear named Cong Cong.
We also went to see zebras. And giraffes and ostriches! There is an ostrich chasing us. There are white deer, sheep, lions, wolves and wild boars. What's more interesting is that wolves and wild boars can't fight together! Strange!
Then we went to dig sweet potatoes by car. Some may be sweet potatoes. It's okay. Peel it off and see, it's sweet potato, and that's sweet potato. Sweet potato is not as sweet as sweet potato. Some of them were tight, so I couldn't pull them out, so I pulled them out hard and ended up sitting on the ground. I think it's funny. What's more, I pulled out several big sweet potatoes! I also watched the Tuzumao. Zhou also found a peanut. Zhang Yuliang and Pei Dongrun actually caught two beetle larvae. How interesting. I took care of them all. Tell you a secret: beetle larvae are not afraid of soil, we can bury them in the soil!
Expert comments:
This is a narrative. The author described two things: Daxing Wildlife Park opened animals and dug sweet potatoes in the field. The language of the article is not concise enough, the description is not vivid, the organization is not clear, and the details are inappropriate, which makes the article appear chaotic.
One day during the summer vacation in Chengdu Zoo, my parents took me to play in Chengdu Zoo.
When we arrived at the zoo, we were greeted by parrots who could talk to people. "Hello, welcome!" Ah, I still speak standard Mandarin. I went over to tease him and said, "Mr. Parrot, are you talking to me?" "It's me. Welcome, have a nice day! " This really amused me.
Come to the amphibious pavilion. There, what we saw was a fierce crocodile, gray and firewood-colored. If it fell, it might swallow a chicken! Those sharp teeth are like saws. There are poisonous snakes and poisonous snakes, and the most terrible snake is bamboo leaf green. Bamboo leaf green is a poisonous snake, distributed in Italy, China and Japan. ...
I also saw heavy elephants, docile giraffes and black and white zebras. They are all very laid-back. Flamingos are strange. Their crowns are black, their feathers are black, but their faces are pink. They run very fast. Finally, I saw sea lions, porcupines, lions and tigers. Lions and tigers are not only fierce, but also brave. Sea lions are cute, swimming around in the water with beards. You must have rarely seen porcupines. It has thorns on its face, its body is like a pig, and it is smaller. It is the pig who loses his temper when provoked.
Ah! I not only had a good time that day, but also gained a lot of knowledge.
Expert comments:
Incomplete structure, boring language
Shenzhen safari park On Sunday, we went to shenzhen safari park. Let me introduce the beast show to you first, and then introduce animals to readers!
The performance began, and I felt indescribable nervous. The clown came out with many balloons. He threw balloons at the audience desperately. The clown was not in trouble, and the balloon flew into my hand. As soon as the clown left, two little bears stood on the ball and put their hands flat. After a while, a bear fell down, got up again, and fell on all fours. The other bear put his hands together and landed on all fours. That funny action made us laugh. Bear stood up and gave a curtain call to everyone. Then, the lion, white tiger, tiger, lion beast, tiger, these four animals are still swinging with human beings. It seems that it must be a long time of training to achieve today's achievements! ……
We went to Panda Manor first. It has big black eyes. It's sleeping. I thought it didn't sleep well, so its eyes were black. I always listen and correct my mistakes immediately. We also went to the alpaca (god beast) garden, because its shit was so smelly that we didn't observe its appearance. We also saw zebras, whose stripes are like zebra crossings! ……。
If you have time, please come to shenzhen safari park for a detailed tour.
Expert comments:
The sentences are not fluent and the details are inappropriate.
Zhou Yushui,/kloc-class 0/7, primary school 1, Travel Notes Culture Road, Zoo On Sunday, my parents took me to visit the zoo. When I came to the zoo, I saw a big flower bed. In the flower bed, statues of elephants, deer, bears and other animals made of stone and cement are smiling as if welcoming us. There are so many tourists today. Let's go to the panda house along the path first. There is a cute little panda sleeping. Brown hair, black eyes like wearing a pair of black sunglasses. Look, how soundly he sleeps! I couldn't bear to disturb it, so I came to the kangaroo house next to it. This is a mother kangaroo playing with her baby kangaroo. Naughty kangaroos will jump into their mother's pouch and then jump out. It's really interesting. We walked on. Two chimpanzees in the Chimpanzee Museum were sleeping lazily. The ostriches in the ostrich garden opposite the orangutan hall are in good spirits. Some are eating leaves, some are walking, and some are combing their feathers with each other. But the monkeys on Monkey Mountain are the most energetic in the zoo. Look, how clever they are! Some swaying; Some are slippery; Others are chasing after each other. It's really cute. Dad looked at these little monkeys and said with a smile, "Our little princess is jumping all day like a little monkey. You should also go to Monkey Mountain to play with little monkeys. " Finally, my father and I rode a horse again and had a "whitewater ride". How time flies! It was getting dark, and I reluctantly left the zoo.
Expert comments:
Inappropriate details, not prominent center.