Everyone has encountered many failures while growing up. There will be more similar experiences waiting for us in the future. Failure is so common that what separates you and me is not failure, but the way we respond to failure. That difference is especially clear when we look at infants and young children who face failure more often than the general population. Trying, failing, and trying again are the main ways infants and young children learn. Fortunately, babies and toddlers are usually very stubborn and determined, otherwise we would never learn to walk, talk, or do anything. However, the way they respond to failure also varies greatly from person to person.

Imagine 4 babies and toddlers playing with the same clown box. In order to open the box and let the cuddly teddy bear pop out, they need to slide a large button next to the box to the left. They know that button is key, but sliding the button is a complicated trick. Child No. 1 pulled the button, but the box didn't move. She pressed the button again, and the box rolled out. She stretched her hand forward, but still couldn't touch the box, so she turned around and started playing with her diaper. After Child No. 2 played with the buttons for a while, he found that the box was motionless. He stepped back, stared at the box, his lower lip trembled, and made no further attempts. Child No. 3 tried to open the top of the box with brute force, and then pulled the button, but there was still no movement. She was not discouraged and continued to try. After 10 minutes, she succeeded! She slid the button, the spring on it popped open, and the bear popped out with a squeak. She screamed happily, stuffed the bear back into the box, and tried again. Child No. 4 saw Child No. 3 open the box, his face turned red, he beat his box with his fists, and started crying.

We react similarly when faced with failure as adults. Failure can make us feel like our goals are out of reach, causing us to give up too quickly (like Child 1’s reaction to seeing the box roll away). Some people become so discouraged after failure that they shrink back and become passive and helpless (giving up like Child No. 2). Some people fail and keep trying until they succeed (like child No. 3). Some people are so stressed out after failure that they care so much that they cannot think calmly (like child No. 4, who burst into tears).

Some people handle failure well, but most people fail to cope with it. Failure is always sad and disappointing, but as long as we face it calmly, know how to change our approach next time, and persist in pursuing our goals, failure can also be an experience of education and growth. However, just like many of the psychological traumas we suffer every day, ignoring the pain caused by failure may make the situation worse or even worse.

Psychological Trauma Symptoms

Failure is like an emotional cold. We have all had it, and we all feel uncomfortable. After a cold, we usually recover when we change our activities (rest, drink hot drinks, dress warmly). But if we ignore a cold, the condition may worsen or even be complicated by pneumonia. We face the same risks when we fail, but few of us know that we also need to take psychological measures such as resting, drinking hot drinks, and dressing warmly. Therefore, many people suffer unnecessary psychological damage due to failure. In severe cases, the damage to our emotions may be far greater than the impact of the original event.

Failure will cause three kinds of psychological trauma, which require timely use of emotional first aid. Failure destroys our self-esteem, causes us to make false and distorted judgments about our skills and abilities, erodes our confidence, motivation, and optimism, and leaves us feeling stuck and helpless. Failure can also trigger unconscious stress and fear, causing us to unintentionally sabotage future efforts.

When a failure is particularly important or meaningful, ignoring it may lead to other psychological complications, such as shame, helplessness, and even depression. Therefore, a single failure event, which was originally a small emotional cold, may turn into a psychological pneumonia, destroying the overall physical and mental functioning and mental health.

1. Shrinking Self-Esteem: The Target Seems to Get Bigger

Baseball players long ago said that when they hit a hit, the ball does seem to get bigger in their eyes. , so it is easier to hit. Of course, when they miss, the ball seems to shrink.

Psychologists decided to test the above phenomenon with ordinary people and footballs. They asked the subjects to shoot from the 10-yard line, and each person could kick 10 times. Before kicking the ball, all subjects estimated the width and height of the goal in a similar way. As a result, after kicking the ball, those who only scored less than twice and failed the task estimated that the goal was 10% narrower; those who succeeded in the task estimated the goal was 10% wider. From this point of view, the baseball player's statement is indeed true. Failure can make our goals feel more difficult to achieve and seem further out of reach than before.

The feeling of not being smart enough, not attractive enough, not capable enough, not skilled enough, and slightly inferior. These feelings of failure will greatly impact our confidence and affect the results of future efforts. For example, when college students fail in the midterm exam, they may feel that they are not capable enough and the course is too difficult, so they are more worried and less confident about the final exam. Some students may immerse themselves in studying and work extra hard, while others may be frightened and begin to doubt whether they will pass a certain subject.

But what if the midterm exam he failed in happened to be his first exam in college? What if, instead of just seeing that class as a challenge, he saw the entire college program as a greater challenge? His lack of knowledge about failing the midterm exam has distorted his perspective and made him think college courses are more difficult than they actually are, which may lead him to make inappropriate decisions too early. In fact, many first-year students drop out of school for this reason.

Failure can have an even greater impact on our self-esteem. Many people make negative conclusions about their own character and abilities when faced with failure, which may feel justified at the moment, even if it does them no good. When many people face failure, they will think or say self-defeating words, such as: "I'm so useless." "I can't do anything well." "I'm just not smart enough." "I'm so ***." It's really embarrassing." "I deserved to lose." "People like me have no future." "Who in their right mind would want to hire me/date me?" and other self-deprecations.

We all know that there is no merit in giving up on ourselves, but we always let ourselves fall into that state and shout those words loudly. If a six-year-old fails a spelling test at school and comes home and says, "I'm so bad, I can't do anything right," we usually immediately stop him from saying that, deny what he said, and forbid him from doing that putdown again in the future. Own. We feel that those negative thoughts will only make him feel worse and make it more difficult for him to succeed in the future, but we rarely apply the same logic and wisdom to our own situation.

After failure, it is not only wrong to deny yourself completely, but it will also harm your self-worth and future performance. This is even more serious than the failure of the event itself. Such total denial of ourselves makes us more sensitive to future failure, may lead to feelings of shame, and thus threatens our overall mental health. Additionally, it would make it difficult to pinpoint the cause of the failure and prevent us from making similar mistakes.

2. Passivity and helplessness: trapped in pessimism

Failure will weaken our self-confidence, motivation and hope, making us want to give up and not want to work hard in the future. The more we underestimate our own attributes and abilities, the weaker our motivation becomes, because few of us will work hard to pursue goals we believe are beyond our reach.

But when the pain of failure is still there and our self-esteem continues to be frustrated, we have overlooked one point: the impulse to "give up" is actually wrong in the basic assumptions and views behind it. In fact, we are more likely to fall into this loser mindset than we think. For example, if I am not on the promotion list, I will stop working hard and feel that no matter how hard I work, I will never be favored by my boss. Go to the gym and sprain your muscles, so you conclude that you are not fit for exercise. Losing weight failed, so I concluded that I would never lose weight. Failure makes us think we have no chance of getting what we want, so we stop trying. Failure can be very powerful in persuading us.

Failure can also be very misleading.

We may all feel that our assessment is correct, but in most cases, stopping our efforts will only contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Stopping action is equivalent to confirming that we will never succeed. It is obviously because we did not persist to the end, but we think that it fulfills the idea that "success is impossible in the first place." We forget that it was our own giving up that led to that result, causing us to fail to see the choices and possibilities that do exist. For example, we may be the next batch of candidates for promotion. As long as we keep working hard, it will be our turn next time. Knowing more about sports and planning fitness options suitable for your own physical fitness can help us avoid sports injuries. If you feel that a certain dieting method is unsustainable, you can increase motivation in stages.

Allowing yourself to fall into pessimism, helplessness and passivity is like letting a cold get worse, which is harmful to your mental health.

3. Performance pressure: disappointed expectations, no longer expecting

If we have no expectations for success, the psychological trauma will be relatively small when we encounter failure. Not winning the lottery jackpot rarely causes depression. Most amateur singers don't feel too embarrassed when they can't perform on stage, although disappointment is inevitable. However, when we have the skills and abilities needed to succeed and we expect that we will succeed, we may feel that we have to perform well. A little stress can be beneficial, but too much can backfire, causing anxiety, fear of failure, and poor performance.

Fear nothing but failure

For some people, failure triggers not disappointment and frustration, but more damaging feelings, such as embarrassment and humiliation. Therefore, when you think about failure, you are afraid and subconsciously lower your expectations for success. Although lowering expectations may be reasonable, it may also unintentionally set yourself back and promote the results you fear.

A few years ago, Lydia came to see me for consultation. She was in her late forties and had been working in marketing for ten years before leaving the workforce to take care of her three young sons. After the youngest child entered kindergarten, both Lydia and her husband felt that she could return to the workplace. She quickly used her connections to get interviews from six companies. However, even though she had job hunting advantages and good qualifications, no company asked her for a second interview. Lydia was embarrassed and puzzled by her failure.

She felt that she had done her best, but her fear of failure caused her to unintentionally sabotage subsequent opportunities. Rather, I soon discovered, Lydia felt she was doing the best she could.

"I knew why the first company turned me down." Lydia explained: "I didn't have enough time to thoroughly research the company before the interview because my daughter had an important basketball game. I promised her I would bake brownies for the whole team.” For the second interview, Lydia gave the same unconvincing reason, “My mother called me the night before the interview and talked for three hours. "She was very angry that my cousin-in-law was arguing with her sister, and I couldn't bear to interrupt her complaint." Lydia's reason for failing the third interview was even more far-fetched: "My nails looked messy, so I thought the interview was messy." I should have had my nails done before, but I misjudged the time and was late by half an hour, or maybe forty-five minutes. In short, they didn’t want to see me. Do you believe that this happened? "Of course I do, but I refrained from nodding.

Lydia continued to explain that the night before the fourth interview, a severe migraine kept her up all night, "I was so exhausted that I forgot to bring my resume to the interview!" Lydia said that on the morning of the fifth interview, she suddenly suffered from gastrointestinal discomfort. “Halfway through the interview, my stomach suddenly made a strange sound. I made a little joke about it and apologized. But they didn’t actually hear any sound, so they were on the spot. It became a little embarrassing, and I thought I would treat this as a joke in the future. I doubted that Lydia would find this kind of thing funny in the future, but I still refrained from saying it. Lydia said that the sixth interview could have gone smoothly, but "I was so unlucky. As soon as I got up that day, I felt something was wrong. I was very irritable. My husband thought I should go for the interview, but I should listen to my intuition." That's right at home. The switchboard lady was so annoying that I got into an argument with her and the interviewer came out to see what was going on outside. Anyway... the situation took a turn for the worse."

Most people heard from Li. When Dia described it, you could immediately hear that it was an obvious pattern of excuses, avoidance, and self-destructive behavior. Those practices were destined to fail, but Lydia didn't realize it. Subconsciously, she believed that she could avoid humiliation and embarrassment by blaming any obstacle for her failure. The fear of failure leads many people to engage in a variety of self-sabotaging behaviors, exaggerating or creating obstacles without realizing it. In fact, we are often very creative when we come up with excuses for self-sabotage.

Many people procrastinate in every possible way before important exams, resulting in insufficient time in the end. Go out with friends and drink too much or get too little sleep the night before an important presentation. Leave research materials on the subway or at a friend's house. In Lydia's case, she developed a variety of physical ailments. If we still perform well despite these setbacks, we should double reward ourselves for success in adversity.

Of course, self-sabotaging behavior rarely leads to success. Not only that, but those sabotage strategies also prevent us from properly reviewing our failures and learning lessons. For example, Lydia's resume may need work, and her interviewing skills may need work, but Lydia's excuses prevent her from evaluating those factors. This self-sabotage is subconscious, and even if outsiders point out the problem, you may not be able to see it. At first, Lydia was convinced that every excuse she gave was valid and that her failures were caused by factors beyond her control. When I told her that this was not the case, she replied to me: "Are you asking me to break my promise to my daughter?" "The problem is that I didn't listen to my intuition and stay home. My intuition is not wrong!" < /p>

Disorders under pressure

Bill. Bill Buckner was an outstanding major league player with an outstanding career record. He had more than 2,700 hits, served as the leadoff hitter many times, and was also an All-Star Game player. However, he is best known for his blunder for the Boston Red Sox against the New York Mets in the 1986 World Cup. Buckner was manning first base, but he missed an easily interceptable grounder, costing the Red Sox the game and their chance at the championship. Buckner wasn't the only player to make mistakes in the championship game, as non-professional players often misbehave at critical moments as well.

Why do many people usually play well, but capsize in the gutter at critical moments? Why do talented singers perform flawlessly during the preview, but unexpectedly go out of tune when they officially go on stage? Why do advertising agency executives give perfect presentations to every client, but as soon as the agency president steps into the conference room, he starts stammering and forgetting his words? When stress causes us to think too much and distracts the brain from performing tasks automatically or fluidly, disorders can occur. To illustrate this point, you can try the following exercise.

Fill your coffee cup with water, hold it by the handle, and walk across the room. Simple, right? Now, do it again, but this time while walking, keep your eyes on the water and adjust your posture to avoid the water spilling. Most people are more likely to spill the water in the second situation.

When we are stressed, we are more likely to overanalyze our actions, interfering with tasks we have successfully performed hundreds of times. We all make mistakes, but when the stakes at stake are extremely high, things tend to go awry. The consequences and self-blame derived from disorders are often serious. Twenty-five years after Buckner missed the ball, he still gets taunted from time to time.

Many people are still unable to let go of their disorder even after years or even decades.

A Guide to Healing

Failure is often painful, but not all failures require emotional first aid. Many failures are small things that are easy to forget even if they are frustrating in the moment. Even a significant failure may not require treatment as long as we can face it calmly, correctly evaluate how to improve next time, and continue to work hard until we achieve our goals.

Therapy A: Remember the lessons of failure

Every time a patient tells me about a failure experience that disappointed him, my first reaction is to express sympathy and provide emotional support; do that , often moving them to tears and reaching for the tissue box. My second step is to point out some lessons they can learn from the failure to help them move forward; this often leads to them throwing their Kleenex boxes at me. It's always a little annoying to have someone there to guide you when you're depressed. However, I responded that way for two reasons: First, I'm good at dodging Kleenex boxes. Second, research has repeatedly shown that the most effective way to treat the psychological trauma caused by failure is to find positive inspiration from failure. Furthermore, simply providing social and emotional support often makes people experiencing failure feel worse.

Why is this happening? Wouldn’t it be better for us to receive sympathy when we are sad? When we have not yet recovered from failure, the care and emotional support we receive reinforces our false sense of ourselves: that our personalities and abilities are indeed flawed. But if we get support immediately after we have truly assessed the implications of failure, we can benefit from emotional support while maintaining a pragmatic perspective that helps us see the facts.

This combination of "emotional support" and "evaluation of lessons learned from failure" is the most effective way to respond after failure. Most of us are accustomed to receiving emotional support, but it can be difficult to identify the implications of a failure when we're still feeling sad.

Therapy B: Regaining Control

Failure may make us feel trapped and helpless, as if things are no longer under our control. Once we believe that no matter how hard we try, we can't change the outcome, we often give up or become disinterested. Letting yourself go will turn an emotional cold into a psychological pneumonia, because despair and helplessness often turn into depression.

The best way to control the situations that lead to failure is to re-examine our preparation (goal planning) and performance (how we execute the plan). In this way, we can identify the things we thought were beyond our control. , but elements that can be controlled by simply changing the way you approach or think about it.

1. Define your goals in as practical and clear terms as possible.

2. Break the goal into small steps.

3. Set time limits for overall goals and mid-term goals.

4. List potential obstacles, frustrations, or temptations that may arise along the way.

5. For each possible obstacle, frustration, or temptation, list possible solutions, including how to remove obstacles and implement solutions. Use positive words to describe your practice strategy; for example, if someone asks me to smoke, I will respond: "Thank you, I'm sorry I quit smoking." rather than: "I don't smoke."

Remember: Anticipating problems and planning solutions in advance is key to removing obstacles and maintaining motivation and morale when difficulties arise. Any solution must be paired with a practical plan to be effective.

Therapy C: Take Responsibility

It is human nature to make excuses for failure, but doing so prevents us from learning practical lessons from failure. Worse, the more you deny your responsibility, the more likely you are to feel that the situation is beyond your control. We should face that feeling to avoid letting that feeling unknowingly negatively affect our behavior.

The best way to admit those feelings and failures is to talk to someone who supports us. Expressing our fears to a trusted family member or friend can prevent us from unintentionally expressing those feelings in self-destructive ways. Another option is to write about your fears in a journal or blog, just remember to balance them with optimistic comments.

One of the most effective ways to eliminate the pain of failure is to make fun of failure at the right time. Research shows that finding the humor in failure can heal pain and eliminate the embarrassment or shame caused by failure. Being able to see the humor in failure can also help reduce stress when trying again in the future. When we laugh about our fears, our brains don’t have to unintentionally express them in self-destructive ways.

D Therapy: Escape from Performance Pressure