Marriage cheating is a sensitive topic, and many female friends are troubled and hurt by it in real life. Today, simply take an article to analyze the psychology of men cheating. What is the original intention of men cheating? For what? What makes them abandon their families and careers and enjoy it, even if their wives and children are separated and their careers are damaged? From the perspective of human history, as a group animal, men have always occupied a dominant position. Even in today's society, men are still the leading group of social value creation, and they exist in a leading and leading role in all aspects.
They each have their own advantages-strong physique, deep mind, good at rational analysis, not impulsive and so on. This is clearly reflected in evolutionary psychology and sociology. The evaluation criteria in the social system are mostly set for men. Men establish their own value system and social identity system, which greatly affects the value system of the whole society. Men's marital infidelity-What kind of value recognition is it? Is it a simple catharsis of life? Or is it the embodiment of self-value cognition? I think there are the following factors:
1, cheating comes from the inherited animal attribute-instinct, Mr. Z: 45 years old, an office worker. "I am a middle-level leader of a unit, and my lover is also an office worker. Our life is not rich, but also a well-off level. A child goes to college in other places, lives a quiet life, and the husband and wife have a good relationship. I just feel that our age, both in appearance and figure, is gradually declining. I met her then. She just arrived at our unit, younger than me 15 years old, young and beautiful. "
Men have the instinct of male animals and have consciousness one by one. Violence consciousness, domain consciousness, competition consciousness and so on. These instinctive consciousness are reflected in all aspects of work and life. Men not only have a strong desire for money, power and status, but also have a desire for possession of women. The criteria for judging successful people by society are not only moral cultivation and reputation establishment. And the wealth and women around you (even if this is a deformed social evaluation standard, it is recognized by many people).
As a result, the goals pursued by men in their work and life will change and shift unconsciously, hoping to climb to the self-recognized class, constantly hunt for wealth, and get the best or even the most of the opposite sex, so as to show their value and show off their capital. Under such a value system, satisfying one's own desires and loyalty to marriage are contradictory. Most men can make rational judgments in the face of this contradiction. After all, in the mainstream ideology of society, cheating is wrong and will pay a great price.
But can people always think rationally? That's not true. Looking at history more, we will find that many historical events have their contingency and inevitability. If you return to a person, it means that a person may keep rational thinking 90% of the time, but in the case of 10%, he will be dominated by the subconscious mind in human evolutionary nature. When thinking is fragile, it comes from the evolutionary attribute of human genes-polygamy, which ensures that the transmission of one's genes overcomes rational thinking.
Once crossing the bottom line, a series of psychological effects will make human beings do many behaviors that conform to animal attributes, such as self-defense, memory reconstruction and so on. Maybe cheating is just a temporary decision, but a series of behaviors brought about by cheating will gradually distort a person's values. It's a bit like the broken window effect. For example, men may feel that cheating is wrong before cheating, but after cheating, they will feel that it is just an affair for them, not a mistake. As long as they don't get divorced, it won't hurt.
Freud talked about the meaning of "id" in the concept of self-consciousness, which originated from human instinct and was characterized by pursuing the satisfaction of personal desires and the realization of personal interests in social life. "Id" is a biological instinct of human beings, who only know happiness and are blind in their activities. Therefore, don't underestimate the influence of animality on human behavior. Many times, this influence exists in the subconscious.
2. The derailment stems from the re-recognition of the family power structure. Mr. L: 39 years old, self-employed. "I run a factory. Doing business is not easy. I have everything I want. I have to make friends for business. I have met many rich friends. Sometimes when you need money, people will give you a hand. I often eat and drink with these friends, which shows that people are having a good time. Slowly, I came up with this idea, as if I had a lot of face with Xiaomi.
When people define their social characteristics (such as ability, intelligence, etc.). In real life, they often get their own meaning by comparing with the people around them in a comparative social environment, rather than defining it according to purely objective standards. Leon Festinger called this phenomenon social comparison. Social comparison, also known as interpersonal comparison, is a common social psychological phenomenon and inevitable in the process of human communication. Only fools have extramarital affairs, but sometimes there is no way. The above sentence will definitely be recognized by many male compatriots.
There are many cases in real life-at the beginning of marriage, men will regard family, relatives and children as the primary spiritual necessities, hoping to reflect their value and role in the family. However, with their own "experience" and their gradual "recognition" of the surrounding social environment, men tend to slowly change their original intentions and reshape a new value recognition system-most of which is based on a good economic foundation, especially when women pay more and more attention to their families, and their value recognition of women and their families has gradually changed. Men will subjectively think that women's family power should be reduced and more power should be gained.
Especially in the families of some housewives. Men will think that your "job" is just to take care of the children at home. What is the value? What are you tired of? You don't have any income. Your happy life and family expenses depend entirely on my efforts and hard work. My position at home should be dominant and authoritative, and I should be the pillar. You should be clear about your different status in the family. A man's reordering of spiritual necessities will directly lead to the collapse of his previous value, and he will no longer pay attention to his family and relatives, but take himself as the pillar. In this case, in the face of the more attractive opposite sex, he will think that he has the right to do so, and his wife has no right to interfere.
3. Pursuing the "sense of value" lacking in life, Mr. W: 4 1 year old, self-employed. "I run a meat processing factory, which has been doing well in recent years, so the economic conditions are not bad. My wife works in a public institution. When I first got married, I thought I had met her. Her unit is good, but I don't have a formal job. I lack her everywhere and let her have the final say, but after a long time, we gradually lost the * * * language. I am in contact with business all day, and her working environment is very simple. Doing business involves dealing with many people and knowing many people. I once met Kelly on the wine table. She is also self-employed and has helped me a lot in financing. Slowly, our relationship became unusual. As for the divorce, I haven't decided yet.
The cognitive dissonance theory put forward by Festinger, an American social psychologist, is a theory of attitude change, which means that individuals realize that there are contradictions between their attitudes or between attitudes and behaviors. Festinger believes that, generally speaking, individuals' attitudes, attitudes and behaviors towards things are coordinated with each other: when there is inconsistency, there will be a state of cognitive disharmony, that is, cognitive dissonance, which will lead to psychological tension.
In order to relieve tension, individuals try to regain balance by changing cognition, adding new cognition, changing the relative importance of cognition and changing behavior. Men all have the same characteristics. They are all looking for the "sense of value" that is missing in their existing lives and cheating in order to "prove themselves". This is very common in some families where women are strong and men are weak, and wives hold a negative attitude towards their husbands all the year round. Being denied for a long time, men can only keep it in their hearts. If the energy is not released, they can only run away.
So how do you prove your "value"? It is possible to meet the right opportunity, and derailment has become the fastest, simplest and most effective way to gain a sense of value. Men are actually horrible animals in essence, because this society keeps telling them that you will be eliminated at any time. Therefore, whether in marriage or in social interaction, men are automatically moving closer to the source of value, that is, comparison and identification. They will unconsciously compare themselves with their lovers and successful men in their daily life and work, hoping to get recognition from each other-especially in the period of very hard work and diligence. If the answer is no, there will be frustration and failure.
If at this time, there is a wife who denies him for a long time in marriage and a lady who is willing to give him affirmation outside marriage, then at this time, negative contrast can easily increase the attraction of extramarital affairs to him. John Goldman, a famous American psychologist, once pointed out that negative contrast plays a key role in psychological derailment because it constitutes the source of everything. Of course, this is not to say that there is a causal relationship between his wife's denial and his infidelity. This is only a theoretical correlation. If you think you don't suppress him like a woman outside marriage, affirm him, and he won't cheat. This would be a big mistake.
4, looking for passion, lack of responsibility Mr. C: 42 years old, office worker. "My unit is good, but it is because of work that I am away all the year round. Because of the long distance, I basically go home once a month. This situation makes me feel that I live in two worlds. When I was working in a foreign country, I felt like a bachelor because I was not accompanied by my family. I met her nearby through WeChat when I was bored. She is three years younger than me, a divorced woman, with a girl, and we talked very speculatively. She is my type. I usually help her with any difficulties, and she is also very warm and considerate to me. In this way, we were together for five years without being discovered by our wife. I feel it.
Men are more sensitive to the opposite sex than women. Long-term marriage life lacks tenderness and fresh excitement in love, which will make men feel boring. As soon as excellent women appear, they will be attracted by novelty. I can't help but look for self-awareness satisfaction and success, and experience the so-called "excitement" and "passion". This man is a "ranger" from beginning to end. They have no sense of responsibility for their families. They just think of themselves as passers-by and tourists, thinking of "swimming all the way to Chang 'an Flower".
They think that their marriage is only a fragment of life, so they will not stop, and he will look for what he thinks is a better "landscape". In his opinion, he can cheat, which is a very happy thing, because he has proved himself attractive, just like a key can open many switches. He thinks this is a reflection of his charm and ability, especially those people who have made some achievements in middle age and are more willing to walk on the road of derailment.
This kind of man's inner view of marriage is actually different from ours. I'm not saying this view is wrong. In fact, any viewpoint is subjective and has nothing to do with right or wrong. As long as you can accept it, then this form of marriage has its own soil to fill. However, if you can't accept it, then don't try to change each other.
Postscript: Mr. Qian Zhongshu said that marriage is a besieged city. People outside the city want to go in, and people in the city want to come out. People with different positions have different views on marriage. Only when you are in a city can you deeply understand the true meaning of "besieged city".