For privacy reasons, I won't disclose the case information, but I can give an example.
In the novel Love in Cholera Period, the heroine Ur Ming Na and her husband urbino lived happily for 30 years, but suddenly they fell into a huge marriage crisis, and they almost divorced, and this huge crisis was due to a very small thing.
The husband got up early and accidentally woke up his wife.
After being woken up, his wife said viciously, "The worst thing in this family is never being able to sleep."
The husband was immediately angered by this sentence. He remembered that there was no soap in the bathroom when he took a shower these days, and the wife was in charge of everything at home. He immediately thought of it, and because he was angry, he exaggerated and said, "I can't find soap for a week."
Wife: She knows that he found no soap the day before yesterday. What he tried to make up for was forgotten. She knew that it was only three days, and her husband actually said that there was a week. She immediately hit back and said, "There is always soap. I took a bath yesterday and there was soap. "
They were a model couple and suddenly stopped quarreling. But this cold violence began, and the husband found a reason to stay in the hospital. The cold war lasted for a long time, and marriage almost collapsed.
Although the above examples are from novels, they are widely representative. We can't help asking, what makes a little thing easily ruin 30 years of happiness?
First of all, we must admit here that any contradiction and conflict is "internal and external collusion, which has been planned for a long time." The above little things are just the fuse, and some explosives have already quietly accumulated.
But the direct reason is that the husband woke up his wife early, and this little thing will be constantly magnified and upgraded because the two sides did not express their own observations and facts, did not exchange feelings, and did not consider each other's internal needs, but commented, amplified, guessed, accused and complained.
How can a little thing have such great power? Teacher Wu Bofan explained that because it deviates from the target exponentially, it is just like cancer cells in the human body. What is this goal? It is the same need of both husband and wife.
Therefore, as long as we return to the feelings and needs of ourselves and others, we can put down our own judgments and ideas, our own demands and compulsions, and we will not blame others and hurt ourselves. This is the way to maintain the long-term stability of intimate relationships.
Finally, let's look at another example. In the book Feeling Love, we introduced how a couple with different needs communicate.
Since having children, Patty, who likes to be alone, has left less and less time for herself. And her husband Carl is still "clingy" as always, which makes his wife feel very lost. And when she realizes that her husband is disappointed and hurt because of herself, she will feel very guilty. Different needs cast a shadow over the relationship between two people.
One day, the wife arranged a relaxed and happy atmosphere and made up her mind to talk to her husband:
After warming up with love, my wife began to explain, "Sometimes I just need to be alone. If I don't have time to be alone, I will feel great pressure. But this incident makes me very entangled, because disappointing you will make me feel very sad. " The wife noticed that this kind of caring words made her husband feel good and his face relaxed. The wife continued, "I want to know more about your feelings." Can you tell me how you felt when I didn't stop working and chat with you? "
The husband replied slowly with a little hesitation: "I hope you can see that I can become very happy." If not, I may be disappointed. " I am very dependent on you, which makes me embarrassed. I don't want to be clingy, and I don't want you to look at me like that. "
The wife took her husband's hand and said, "I don't look down on people's vulnerability." Actually, it appeals to me. Not that you are not as important as what I am doing, but to make me feel loved, I need you to understand that I need some time alone. I need you to respect this part of me. "
Carl listened carefully and then said, "I don't think I really understood what happened until now." I want to feel loved, and I hope you feel loved. What can I do to make two people meet their own needs? "
If we want to adapt to the needs of two people by changing their lifestyles, we need to spend some thoughts and do some experiments. They go to bed early and get up early, sit face to face before their children wake up and talk about some important things with each other. Before dinner, the wife continued to be alone, and the husband went home to play with the children until dinner time. These arrangements make dinner a good opportunity to consolidate the emotional relationship of the whole family.
Do you feel it? Trivial is not trivial. If you turn a blind eye or be cold and violent, by the time you face it, it may be the terminal stage of cancer.