We are a relationship all our lives, from the parent-child relationship with our parents at birth to the intimate relationship of falling in love when we grow up, as well as various social relationships after work.

Some relationships make us grow, but others affect our lives.

My three girls used to wear my mother's clothes when they were still at school, so that most of my new clothes were red, because my mother thought I looked good in red and looked festive, and the second and third sisters made clear arrangements, so there was nothing we could do.

After coming out to work, I have my own disposable money and like to buy clothes and shoes that I think look good. My mother will comment on what we wear and often tell me what you should wear to look good. I believed my mother then, too. I can wear whatever I want after I live away from home. My mother talked about me again, but I turned a deaf ear and stopped talking about me.

But my sister has always been influenced by my mother.

Today, I tried to wear a sling. My mother said, "It's too thin to look good without meat." Wear a small skirt tomorrow and say, "Two legs are like bamboo poles. Wearing a skirt doesn't look good." As a result, my sister is unhappy every time she wears new clothes. Over time, she secretly tried on new clothes and didn't let my mother see them. If my mother sees it, she won't wear it, so many clothes that have only been worn once or twice are idle.

My sister and I protested with my mother, and my mother felt very hurt. She said, "I'm just giving you some advice. You are really suitable for the kind of dress I said, otherwise others are not good at dressing so strangely. "

As a result, my sister cares about other people's opinions. Every time she gets dressed, she asks, "Is that okay?" If my sister and I hesitate a little, she will change clothes and choose clothes again at once. Even if she doesn't live with her parents now, she can't help asking others what they think of her clothes. She has different obsessions about dressing. One of her ideal lists is to learn to dress up and open a clothing store.

My topic is, how important is the sense of boundaries in interpersonal communication? In fact, in the relationship between my mother and my sisters, my mother crossed the line. She forced her will on my sister and me, deprived us of our independent choice and made a choice for us.

Because the boundary between us is not clear, it leads to unhappiness between us. My mother feels that her kindness has been let down. My sister and I both feel that our personal space has been invaded, which makes us feel uncomfortable both psychologically and physically, but we can't bear to be angry with our mother and feel guilty when we complain.

Finally, our sense of boundaries is very vague, and we often subconsciously ask other people's opinions. Even if we have made our own choice, we still hope that someone can make another decision for us, as if it could be more correct.

Everyone is afraid of frustration, because it will hurt our self-confidence and make our brains avoid their own frustration, but people can't always make mistakes, so there is an excuse that even if they have a choice, they still want someone to make a choice for us. In this way, if there is a mistake, we can put it on the person who makes another decision for us, and then maintain our "I am good at it" mentality.

This kind of psychology, the more external inferiority and psychological independence, the easier it is to appear.

This is also a symbol of fuzzy boundaries. People are always invited to interfere in their own affairs, and in the end they won't know whether it's their own business or others'.

What are the disadvantages of unclear boundaries?

1. The discomfort of space invasion

Everyone wants to have a space where they can make their own decisions, but now many people's private space has been occupied by their parents, friends and even colleagues, causing all kinds of discomfort, and they don't know where the problem lies. They can only feel that life is unsatisfactory everywhere and they don't even have the right to decide.

2. The defect of spiritual independence

Physical independence can be avoided by staying away from the place where the problem occurs. For example, if you don't live with your parents who invaded our border, you won't have a sense of boundaries if you live separately, but you can't be independent mentally. It's uncomfortable to keep inviting others to make decisions for themselves.

3. The weak position of interpersonal relationship

People who always invite others to make decisions for themselves often find that their friends are very strong. They seem to be able to make decisions for themselves anytime and anywhere. While admiring that you can make decisive decisions, you also feel uncomfortable that you can't make independent decisions, so that your sense of existence will decline and you will eventually be in a weak position where nothing can be decided.

Sometimes it just becomes that you pay too much attention to other people's affairs and too little attention to your own affairs. So how can you rebuild your sense of boundaries and have your own life?

1. Know your center of gravity

I like to leave the decision to others. For example, I want to buy clothes. There is a blue one and a black one. I like black in my heart, but I will tell people who have a good relationship that I don't know which one to choose, and then I will show that I like black. The other party will say, if you like black, buy black, and I will buy black.

A person's boundaries have been violated, and he has a very important relationship besides others.

Last week, I was used to making my own decisions, this time with my boyfriend. But he said flatly, you can do whatever you want. At that time, my inner feeling was:? Isn't this too dull? Not the result I wanted, so I was a little unhappy and felt that the other party's reaction was beyond my expectation.

But after I made my choice according to my own ideas, the whole person was super happy! It is the satisfaction of doing what you want and then doing it yourself.

I read an article that there are three things in life: your own business, others' business and God's business. Do your own thing, don't think about relying on others; Do not interfere in other people's affairs and respect other people's choices; For God's sake, cooperate and take an umbrella when it rains.

That makes perfect sense. When I asked him about his decision, his answer was actually quite normal. Everyone should learn to be independent. This independence does not mean that a person lives alone, but is responsible for his own choices.

2. Establish boundaries from small things.

After we have defined our center of gravity, we should also gradually establish our own boundaries, and refuse others to invade our boundaries from some trivial matters and build a border wall.

For example, dressing up, I won't argue with my mother about the harm she has caused us now, but comment on the facts and tell her, "You just said I was ugly in clothes, and I feel very sad." If I say this about you, you should also be very sad. " At first, I will find it difficult to talk to my mother in such a formal way, but it will be easy after I finish, which will not only make my mother feel the negative energy brought by language, but also make her think about what her words do from another angle.

Another example is deciding what to eat, which is a common thing in our daily life. What shall we eat later?

This is a good way to establish our own sense of border, because once we send the message "I don't know what to eat in the future" to others, everyone will enthusiastically provide their own suggestions, but at this time, everyone will not violate the border, because their original intention is to share the food they have eaten, and we can have a sense of control by deciding what to eat.

Enjoy this feeling from small things, and you can be more decisive in big things.

Nowadays, many people have a sense of boundary, so they can not interfere and respect others' choices. However, there is no good countermeasure for others to enter our site and interfere in our decision-making, so they choose not to socialize and develop relationships to avoid this problem.

But people are in various relationships from birth, and no matter how we avoid them, there will always be some inevitable relationships.

Therefore, it is important to have our own boundaries and let others know where our boundaries are.

I hope everyone can do their own thing, respect others' things and cooperate with God's things.