The counselor can clearly feel the emotional excitement and anger of the accuser during the narrative process. Usually the coldness, isolation and attack brought by these words are extremely destructive to the relationship.
If the partner has the ability to express his feelings at this time, what they feel as "recipients" must be indifference and chilling "unloved".
The "paying" party may explain this matter again, for example, it is clearly for the sake of the other party and worried that the other party will work too late, but what it says is so hurtful.
The guilt that can't be concealed is really full of "love".
So, since when, couples will not talk well. Two people who clearly love each other must push each other further and further by hurting each other.
If couples calm down and carefully understand, they will find that those seemingly hurtful words are actually unspoken love words, which are one party's eager call and desire for the other party, hoping to get the other party's response, care and companionship in the intimate relationship.
Here, a core concept of attachment theory "safe basic behavior" can be extended:
A safe baby can use attached objects as a safe base for exploration and as a safe refuge in times of fear and anxiety. They believe that the attached object can respond to their demands, and that the attached object has the ability to become its own safety base.
When we are minors, we regard our parents as our attachment objects and safe bases; When we are adults, we have established a second generation family, and we have established an attachment relationship and a safe foundation with our partners, bearing the trust we granted and the expected attachment needs.
When our needs are met, we can feel a deep sense of security and love.
In the latest TV series "Perfect Companion" broadcast by the national goddess Gao Yuanyuan, the heroines Chen Shan and Sun Lei are regarded as the mode of husband and wife living together. What Chen Shan needs is career self-realization, while Sun Lei is willing to put family first.
In the first episode, Sun Lei helped Chen Shan match the clothes in the workplace and then combed her daughter's hair. In that scene, the attachment needs of both sides have been fully satisfied, and * * * has built a beautiful and harmonious security base.
But with the development of the plot, trust and expectation are gradually challenged.
As a workaholic, Chen Shan was forced to drop the urgent case and go to the hospital to visit her daughter who pretended to be poisoned by food. What she said to her husband was:
Later, in order to grab customers, Chen Shan blocked her car and injured her daughter. Sun Lei told his wife in the hospital:
Entering these two scenes, Chen Shan's deep psychological activity at the moment is:
Her husband failed to live up to her trust and expectation that "her husband can manage the family well so that she can devote herself to her career", and her attachment needs could not be answered;
At present, his wife's behavior tells Sun Lei that "career comes first in his wife's mind and family comes last", which breaks his attachment demand that "family comes first and needs care and companionship".
When the demand cannot be answered and met, it means that the function of the safety base is no longer.
Without the supply of love and security, the external environment will be a test for individuals. The original emotions of fear and anxiety are also aroused, mixed with anger and disappointment.
When the emotions are too full for individuals to bear, there is a need to "release" emotions.
Love words turn into knives only because our "attachment needs" are not met.
I have heard of "looking forward in life", but it is necessary for us to look back on the road of marriage.
Especially if your partner hurts you, don't react in a hurry, stop and look at the relationship. In the recovery, sort out the unsatisfied requirements in the relationship.
The following methods can help us to define our partner's needs.
A. defensive face
For hurting people, it is easier to use two defense methods-escape and attack.
Escape is to isolate your partner from her emotions and expect to use time and space to solve problems, which will make your partner feel neglected and indifferent, which will lead to the escalation of your partner's negative emotions.
The performance of escape is generally: silence and leaving the scene.
Attack is when you accept your partner's emotional projection, and then you fall into your partner's emotional whirlpool. After a long time, both sides lost the ability to manage their relationship rationally. The performance of the attack may be to fight back with quarrels, smashing things, and even physical violence against your partner in serious cases.
B. Respond to emotions
Behind hurtful words are often secondary emotional disappointment and anger, as well as primary emotional "fear" and "anxiety"
For example, the first one, the wife said, "You still know to come back. Don't go back to the company if you have the ability! " !
Thus, the wife may have expressed it many times by verbal or nonverbal behavior:
"I hope my husband can go home to accompany himself as soon as possible", and the ultimately unsatisfied demand will lead to disappointment and anger.
The wife's original emotion is "afraid that her husband only cares about her career but not her family" and "afraid that she will not be loved by her husband".
At this time, the husband needs to respond to his emotions. "Wife, I'm sorry to let you wait for me so late. I will definitely go home early tomorrow.
C. Responding to demand
Dr. gary Chapman, a famous expert on marriage and family, responded to his partner's needs in five love languages: affirmative words, meticulous moments, accepting gifts, service actions and physical contact.
We can try to find out our partner's main love words from these items. Love words may be mixed, just as a visitor expresses her hope that her husband will give gifts and go out to eat together, which means that she can feel love from the moment she receives gifts and is careful.
If you can't find your partner's needs, you can observe the way TA often expresses love to yourself, which is the love words that your partner wants you to give; Or think about the advantages that attracted your partner in the first place, and this advantage is his/her needs.
D. Ask for help
When hurtful language appears frequently in a partner relationship, it becomes a fixed mode of getting along. Both partners need to be vigilant, which may involve the repetition of family of origin's relationship model.
You can seek the help of a professional partner counselor to improve your ability to manage intimate relationships.
So, why is it that the more you care, the more the relationship will go wrong? Because your needs are not met, generally speaking, behind the hurtful words is loneliness, despair of the unresponsive place.
Just like walking on a remote night road, there is no light around, and the fear in my heart is gritting my teeth and risking a little coolness.
When the partner responds, cares and accompanies, loneliness and fear will be disintegrated, the two sides will gradually establish contact, and the intimate relationship will shine.
Author/Cai Liping
Editor/Vodafone
It's over.