Many people think that even a barely managed marriage is better than the impact of divorce on children.
This sentence often determines the final outcome of marriage: let's endure it for the children, or wait until the children are old and admitted to college. ...
Is that really the case?
The United States did a study in 1970' s, which proved that children from divorced families suffered much more harm than children from complete marriages.
But in 1990, after more rigorous research, they finally found that the injury results of children from divorced families were similar to those of children from ordinary families.
Studies have also confirmed that the biggest harm to children is that family struggles never avoid children.
The first situation is the use of children as weapons:
For example, the mother will let the child catch a rape, or let the child follow his father to see mistress, or tell the child that his father is a pervert and a respectable dirty man, or let the child admit that his father is a scum in front of all his family.
The second situation is to treat the child completely as air:
Many people have seen the horrible pictures of their parents smashing TV in front of her and beating each other bloody. It seems that she is just air, which makes her deeply afraid of marriage: no one has taught her how to deal with such a scene, and what she sees is that only injury can stop meaningless quarrels.
Divorce itself is not harm, but whether the divorce process itself is malignant or benign is the question.
How to avoid hurting children when parents divorce?
1, don't hurt the innocent.
If you must quarrel, it's best not to let your child hear you, lest your child assume any role in your battlefield.
2. Be honest with your children
Many times, we will go to the other extreme: expect the child to be a fool and know nothing.
But for children, parents are everything to them, so their perception of their parents' aura is unparalleled and their sensitivity is extraordinary, because if their parents have problems, they have no safe place.
At this time, if parents try their best to become the whitewashers in News Network, the children will become Sherlock Holmes. This secret game will make children more depressed and depressed.
3. How to be honest? There is a saying in psychology: there is nothing you dare not say, and there is nothing that others will not listen to.
The meaning of this sentence is that what children are most afraid of is nothing more than anxiety that some parents can't bear. Children don't know how terrible divorce is. All their feelings about divorce are obtained from their parents. If parents feel that divorce is terrible and sad, then she will treat her pain in the same way.
In fact, divorce is not terrible. What is terrible is the collapse of parents' mood and image during the divorce quarrel.
Children never listen to their parents. They will listen to their parents' emotions. If their parents are in a bad mood, then they will define it as bad. If parents are emotionally stable, he will be defined as stable.
Children will only get hurt because of one thing, that is, even their parents have collapsed. In a child's inner world, parents are the source of his most basic sense of security in this world.
But what is more terrible than collapse is uncertainty. A friend once told me that he was always worried about his parents' divorce. When he went to college, his parents really divorced, and he felt relaxed, because he could finally have a definite answer.
What children fear most is uncertainty, disorder and chaos. Even if you tell your child that you are falling apart, it can give the child a name for this state, which will bring order and certainty to the child.
What you can do is tell your child: "Mom is really devastated, but mom is trying to deal with this emotion. It is normal that mom will have some emotional difficulties in about three to four months." Then my mother's mood will gradually get better. "It's better than letting children guess what's the secret in this family every day.