Zhang Yingru (pseudonym), 28, decided not to have a second child for the time being.

Four years ago, she and her husband "got married at both ends" and formed a family. The two sides agreed to have two children, the older one named after his father and the younger one named after his mother. After marriage, both parents and families take turns living.

Today, she is very close to both families, and the bigger worry is the children. Both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law cherish their grandchildren, each with its own education, and secretly compete with each other; The living habits of the two families are different, and the children are turning around, which is also a bit confusing.

"Too much trouble", Zhang Yingru felt tired, and the original second child plan could only be stranded.

In Jiangsu and Zhejiang where Zhang Yingru is located, the so-called "no bride price for men and no dowry for women" has quietly emerged. It is closely related to the only child in the last century. Parents don't want their children to leave home, and they also have the so-called "kinship line" demand.

"Both marriages are full of negotiation", which was studied by Dr. Zhao Chunlan from the School of Development and Public Affairs of Fudan University. In an interview with the newspaper before, she mentioned that "who is the child's surname, how to do the wedding room, and whether the bride price is necessary" need to be negotiated, and the balance of marriage life is mostly achieved through compromise.

So, what happened at the moment of tilting? How was the negotiation reached? The three "second marriage" parties shared the joys and sorrows of family life with us.

The marriage of "two marriages" challenges the existing marriage. The picture shows a family in an administrative village in the western suburbs of Hangzhou, Zhejiang. 20 12 and 2022, two daughters of this family were born one after another. According to the prenuptial agreement, the eldest daughter takes the man's surname and the youngest daughter takes the woman's surname. Our reporter Zhu Fantu

"When mother-in-law meets mother"

Zhang Yingru (pseudonym), 28 years old, is from Nantong, Jiangsu.

Married for four years, married at both ends. This is basically the case here. Nantong dialect is called "escrow on both sides" One-child families don't want their daughters to get married, and they don't want their sons to be recruited, so the two families become one.

He was the only one who attended the wedding reception. The car took me to his house in the morning, but my house also has a banquet. The two sides don't live in the same world, and their expenses are borne separately. Finally, the gift was given to the young couple.

The other party paid a bride price of188,000 and put it in Gao as a witness. My family only took 88,000 yuan and added 80,000 yuan to buy a car, so it means that the money has been paid back, and the bride price money is a formality.

My husband and I are both only children, and our home is very close, about 15 minutes' drive. Because they are all locals, we don't need to talk about some details before getting married, just make an agreement with our husband in advance, such as what the child's surname is.

I didn't think too much before, thinking that one child took the man's surname and the second child took the woman's surname. We only have one treasure now, which is named after my husband, but the account is in my home. I'll tell him after the baby is born. If the registered permanent residence is in his house, the child has to take my surname.

After marriage, I will live with my husband and children at my mother's house for a month or two, and then go to my mother-in-law's house for a month or two. Sometimes my mother-in-law will be unhappy if she lives in my house for a long time. She wants to be with the children, which will be more lively, so we often go back to live.

But if both ends live, disputes are inevitable.

For example, when I lived with my mother in January, my child was very healthy, but next month, when I moved to my mother-in-law's house, my child would get sick. My mother will nag, "Why is the child still alive and kicking in my house, but I feel uncomfortable when I get to her house and throw up when I come back?"

Children's work and rest will also have a great impact. When I lived with my parents, they went to bed early, and so did the children. But when they arrive at their mother-in-law's house, they are used to staying up late, and the children are upset when they change their environment. They often cry and need a day or two to recover.

In order not to let the children cry, sometimes we will stay in one place for a while, but the other party will have an opinion. Last time, my mother-in-law sent a message directly asking me, "It seems that you haven't come back to live for a long time, and this place is also home. You can't just focus on your goals. "

So it's too much trouble for me to say no to a second child. My parents also mentioned that they wanted to have a second child after me, but I didn't want to have a baby, so I left it alone.

Our own situation is that both sides take turns to live, but there are also two marriages around us. For example, if we buy a suite ourselves and then take our parents to live for a while, there will be other contradictions.

A colleague around me, she lived with her mother-in-law for half a year. There used to be dark curtains at home, but my mother liked white curtains when she lived, saying that dark colors were too dark at home and bad for children's eyes, so she changed them. My mother-in-law moved in half a year later and said that white doesn't block the light and she can't sleep at night. The two families have been unhappy for a long time for a curtain.

In addition, the unavoidable topic here is Ma Baonan. In two marriages, the two sides live together in the man's house, and the woman will think that you are more obedient and will not be happy to go back to live in her own house. The man's mother-in-law will wonder, "Why can't I say anything? Then go back when you go back. " Sometimes I won't let my son go to the woman's house again, and over time they will be separated.

But my wife and I are tolerant of each other, and the most controversial issue is the problem of children. When I lived in his house, my mother taught me more literacy. When I lived in my home, my mother taught more math. My mother-in-law and my mother have to be better at preaching, and both think that children are just different.

Actually, we still prefer girls here. I remember when I gave birth to a child for the first time, my mother-in-law glanced at it and sighed, saying, "Hey, it's a boy, it's going to be bitter." I was very unhappy at that time. She said she should be a daughter, how could she become a boy?

She may think that girls are more caring, because the girls here are all in charge of their own affairs. At most, they are hosted by both parties and have many husbands. Many people from Anhui and Shandong are willing to recruit to our side.

I think the greater advantage of two marriages is that the children are taken care of by both parents, and both sides compete to take care of the children. We are really a couple. But if, like a married daughter, her mother-in-law takes it a little badly, she won't take it for you if she is unhappy, and you can't go to work.

Of course, there are problems. Apart from the children's routine and education just mentioned, running at both ends is really troublesome, like a child growing up slowly. If my mother says something bad here and accidentally spreads it out, sometimes there will be quarrels, which will easily lead to some misunderstandings.

Because the relationship between the two marriages is quite close, the mother-in-law met her mother, although she was very close, but there was always a contradiction.

"The eldest daughter is named after her father, and the youngest son is named after me."

Zhou (pseudonym), 33 years old, is from Yangzhou, Jiangsu.

My husband and I are both from Yangzhou and both are only children. It is natural for us to get married at both ends.

In the 1980s, our only child was very strict. Only two of the twenty families in the village gave birth to two. One situation is that the family has a brother and a sister, but after death, the sister is the husband, and she is given a husband who can have two children.

Another is my neighbor, one year older than me, born in 1986. His uncle was deaf, dumb, childless and unmarried, so he gave this index to his family and gave birth to him. At that time, I heard from my parents that the fine for more than eight years (super-life) was tens of thousands, which was still quite a lot. Few people dare to do so.

This is the situation of the previous generation, resulting in many only children here. When I was a child, I went to school, and there were more than forty children in one class. At most two or three families have two children, and the others are only children. At that time, we thought it was like this all over the country. Later, I went to college and found that many people have sisters.

When I was a child, I lived in the countryside, including my uncle menstruation and other relatives. I used to live very close, about three kilometers, but now I live in the city, far away. I am willing to have two children, because I think one child is too cold and cheerless.

When we got married, both sides held a wedding reception. Although we are in the same city, it is tens of kilometers away, so it is inconvenient for his relatives to come over, so we held two activities in succession, each with its own expenses.

However, there are no such concepts as "married", "married" and "married girls belong to outsiders". After marriage, we are the same. When we go back, our parents' attitude towards us is no different from what we do.

We don't have a bride price, don't talk about it, don't need it, and I don't have a dowry. When the man came to pick up the bride, there was a seal, twenty, fifty, one hundred and so on. Every time he opens a door, he puts a seal on it. At that time, there was about 10 thousand yuan in Kaifeng, a bigger place, and my mother paid back more than 10 thousand yuan later.

Both sides spend almost the same amount of money on marriage. His family bought a house, and I repaired it and bought a car. I won't say, like a traditional marriage, for example, if the man gives hundreds of thousands of bride price, the better woman's parents may return the money, but if it is not good, it may be left to the younger brother at home, but we don't have this situation here.

So I didn't ask for a bride price when we talked. No one around you wants a bride price, and there is no such thing as a bride price. The gifts received from the two banquets were from our own small family, and my parents-in-law were also very good. No matter how big or small the gift is, even if I don't meet, it's the lucky money that relatives give their children. They won't accept it themselves, but they will give it all to me.

My family and my contemporaries are all girls, and my family doesn't value boys at all. For example, when my uncle gave birth to my sister, there were actually two girls. After the B-ultrasound, my uncle said that the girls were fine and they were all very precious.

I will discuss with my wife about the child's surname. The two sides agreed in advance to have two children, regardless of gender, one with his surname and the other with mine. Later, after the baby was born, one was a girl and the other was a boy.

After the first child was a girl, my parents also asked the man. We thought that if the second one was a boy, it might be better to take the man's surname. My parents said to the man, "One of them is a girl. Do you want to take our last name first? " Then my father-in-law said it doesn't matter, so now my eldest daughter uses my father's name and my youngest son uses my name.

This is basically the case in my daughter's class. The boss takes his father's surname, just like his mother's.

I think it's fine. I don't have to worry about the lack of identity between the two children because of their different surnames. Now children ask both sides to be called grandparents, not grandparents. If he can't tell the difference, he will add his surname before his title.

We are no different to them. Just like my boss was brought up by my mother, and then my mother-in-law helped us take care of my family. My mother used to live with us, but now my mother-in-law lives with us. It's also good for children. I buy everything I need.

For example, when I went out today, I bought a toy for my son and a toy for my girl. There was no preference for boys. My husband also told me that if he has a house in the future, it is impossible to leave everything at home to his son, and all the girls on his son should have it. I also hold this view, and we have reached an agreement.

Now we have bought a house ourselves, but it is no different from before we got married. We can go back freely. At present, I live with my mother-in-law in the man's house. They help us take care of the children. After I go back, I will go to my mother's house more often. Like when my mother lived with us, I went to see my father-in-law more on holidays, and I didn't have any worries.

Because we are from the same city, he is about 40 kilometers away from me. For the Chinese New Year, I will eat at my house at noon and go to my husband's house at night, which is only a few minutes' drive. For example, I spent the Spring Festival with you this year, and I can come to my house for the Spring Festival next year.

Men here also quite understand women. When they come back, they will help with the things and take care of the children. So will my father-in-law If my mother-in-law cooks, she will pour water and wash dishes, and everyone will compare.

I don't think it's troublesome to get married at both ends. Like my mother-in-law, she treats me like a girl. If I sleep late in the morning, she never treats me severely or scolds me. When I get up, she cooks breakfast for me and brings it to me. Everyone understands each other. Just like she said she was a little sleepy today, so she went to bed first. I said yes, you go to sleep, and the child will sleep with me tonight.

But I've also heard of people arguing over their surnames. They may have reached an agreement before, but they didn't keep it later. They may rob a boy when they have a boy, but I don't think it's necessary. Getting married doesn't mean pursuing interests. Just live a good life.

"Only when the strength is balanced can the two companies be combined into one."

Wu Jiangchuan (pseudonym), 32 years old, is from Suzhou, Jiangsu.

We just got married in September and we are both only children. Suzhou is known as "two families and one family", but we don't live separately as mentioned in the article.

Both sides are Suzhou natives, and both parents prefer this way. There is a tacit understanding and the family conditions are quite the same-this is a very important prerequisite. At that time, my parents bought me a wedding room, and then she would buy her a wedding room before marriage.

Just like a wedding reception, we invite our classmates, colleagues and family members. I pay for the people invited here, and she pays for the people invited there. There are also some things to discuss. For example, if we come out for a wedding, they will pay for drinks. This was done under the friendly conditions of both parties. If the strength of the two companies is relatively balanced, there will be a merger between the two companies.

My father is very open-minded, and we basically make our own decisions. They don't interfere in this aspect. This may be related to the environment here. From the early older generation, there was no preference for boys over girls. I grew up with a woman in charge, and my father listened to my mother.

In fact, they also knew about the form of double-headed marriage before, and it has been popular for many years, but the previous generation didn't exaggerate it so much, because they are not only children after all, and there are several brothers and sisters at home, but in our generation, the post-80 s are basically only children.

When planning a wedding, both parents, including my wife and I, will sit down and talk. After all, wedding cars and wedding photos are small heads, which doesn't matter. Relatively speaking, thousands of things don't need to be hung on the table. We finally took them out, but they always took out something, such as cigarettes, candy and hand-held gifts. The two sides discussed these issues in a comparative environment, and there was no dispute.

Let's not talk about the concept of marriage. Under normal circumstances, the man will give a bride price and the woman a dowry before marriage, but there is no such form in both marriages. I paid more than 30 thousand at that time, and my wife gave it back to me. His parents gave me 50 thousand, and my parents gave her 50 thousand, which belongs to our two small families.

After marriage, two people must live together. Generally speaking, we will live separately for a week, sometimes at my wife's house for a few days, and then at my house for a few days. On weekends, we will eat out and then live in a new house instead of staying in the same place for half a month or even longer.

My parents told me that as long as the children are my own flesh and blood, even if all of them have nothing to do with my wife's surname, I don't need to take this surname too seriously.

It is not necessary to have two children, but it will be more balanced to have two children. The maiden name is agreed in advance. Because it involves the merger of two families, which is the usual practice. Whether one of them is a boy or a girl, one child takes my surname and the second takes her surname.

But it does not rule out that there will be some situations, such as one is a daughter and the second is a son. Some people want the second son to take the man's surname. There have also been cases of repentance in Suzhou, but it is still relatively rare. As far as I'm concerned, the relationship is quite good.

The baby will be born in March next year, and my parents are going to take care of it for half a month, and then her parents will take care of it for another half a month, thus avoiding the problem of who will take care of the children and who will kiss them.

I think it's basically harmless for me to get married at both ends. The financial affairs of both parties are relatively transparent. My parents and her parents will buy insurance for us. We will also set up a small vault ourselves, and each side will put some money into it. My friends here also operate in this way. It is common for two companies to merge into one.

Editor in Charge: Huang Fang

Proofreading: Zhang Yan

The above is about the marriage of the poor generation, and it is about the sharing of marriage. I saw that the man is a snake lady and the tiger. I hope this will help everyone!