"Fireworks are flying all over the sky,
Who are you attractive to?
It's just that you were drunk when you were looking at flowers.
Quicksand, quicksand, flying all over the sky,
Who languishes for you?
Just fate is like water.
……"
The song "Flying" tells the bustling beauty that we care about and appreciate. As time goes on, it will come to an end and return to nature.
In our life, we have cared about and catered to so many people and things, which is often the result of spending a lot of time and energy to please.
When I was a child, in order to be good children in parents' eyes and good students in teachers' eyes, many of us gave up our hobbies, lived in other people's opinions, studied and lived according to other people's ideas, and grew up and lived like that in other people's eyes. When I entered the workplace, I found that my greatest advantage had been blowing in the wind. Suddenly I was at a loss because I couldn't find the template, so I had to use the same template to please those limited opportunities.
This thinking inertia of paying too much attention to other people's ideas at work leads to the result that when we encounter workplace conflicts, even people and things that affect our normal working conditions, we often habitually wronged ourselves and please others, and we feel stressed, exhausted and even exhausted every day.
Schopenhauer said that one of the most special weaknesses in human nature is to care about what others think of you.
It's time to start learning not to care!
In fact, apart from really understanding us and communicating objectively and accurately, the opinions and opinions of the vast majority of people around us are meaningless, and we don't need to waste time on unimportant people and things.
2 popular jacuzzi.
Why do many people refuse small things and it is difficult to open the door of apology?
Sarah Knight, the author of "Soul-stirring Interpersonal Cleanup", believes that this is because she has fallen into a "popularity vortex" or a "love vortex".
Actually, being loved and being respected are two different things. If we care more about being loved than being respected, in order to cater to this "like", we will accept people and things we don't like, and the whirlpool of popularity will arise.
For example, in the workplace, our boss "likes" many incompetent people, but he doesn't necessarily entrust them with important tasks.
As a result, many people will eventually be exhausted to cater to this so-called love and struggle in the cage of anxiety and trouble designed by themselves for a long time.
But the fact is that people who win in the company are often respected, not just loved ones. Because respected people do create value for the collective development of the company, and this value can benefit the employees of the company. Which boss doesn't like such a person, and which employee doesn't respect such a person?
What can we control?
Focus on our work and make achievements-this is the standard to judge whether we are worthy of respect by others.
Doing a good job means spending more energy on what we do, rather than worrying about whether people like us at work, so that we can get rid of the whirlpool of popularity and the troubles that come with it. After finishing the work, we are free to arrange the rest of the time.
In this regard, Sarah Knight, the author of Warm-hearted Interpersonal Relationship Cleaning, tells us a rule of not being sorry, which can help clean up unimportant people and things in life, reduce our burdens and fetters, honestly and politely refuse people we don't like and things we don't want to do, and get rid of unnecessary sense of responsibility and guilt.
There is no rule of regret
No, I'm sorry. There are three points to note in the rules:
Before cleaning up unnecessary things, we should first consider our feelings-just as we should ensure our own safety before saving others. He who knows others is wise, and he who knows himself knows clearly, and truly understands his real goals, demands and feelings, which is the premise of becoming a truly wise person.
Secondly, allow yourself to say no-I don't want to do it, I don't have time, I can't afford it. These three rules of not apologizing can help us get rid of the anxiety, fear and guilt caused by saying "no", and we don't have to go against our limits to please annoying people or do things we don't want to do at all.
Third, reduce the ideological pressure of rejection, eliminate people and things you hate in your life, and really make time to do things you care about.
These impudence sounds selfish, but by doing so, we are in a good state and can finally really create a better atmosphere for everyone around us.
What we care about will affect our body, mind and soul. Don't care about boring people and things, even a simple move will improve the overall physical and mental health. .
Cleaning up unnecessary people and things with the principle of no regrets can save us a lot of headaches. We won't have irregular sleep and headaches. Of course, not to mention the stomach pain, anxiety and nausea caused by unnecessary people and things. We will not silently count the time for a secret nap during the company lunch break, nor will we regret wasting a day every night.
The time, energy and money saved allow us to have more time and energy to do what we really want to do after work.
4 Use comparison list to analyze advantages and disadvantages
Learn to refuse with the principle of no regrets, have time, enhance our respected competitiveness, and have another insurance-excellent time, energy and money distribution skills.
When people sort out the contents of the list, the first thing they want is time. Instead of rushing to a conference call, take time to meditate quietly in the toilet.
Being with the people we love and enhancing emotional communication, we will gain more, instead of wasting it on trivial things that we don't like at all.
Learning the rule of no regrets, the first thing that comes back to us is time. We can compare the gains and losses, see the expected gains, enhance our confidence, find ways to stay away from unnecessary trivial matters and really put our time into our own planning.
The second reward of exciting interpersonal relationship cleaning is energy. As long as we pay less attention to one thing, we can take a nap happily and save some energy. We can spend our precious time and energy on completing the reading plan and choose less courses encouraged by our friends.
And because money is very easy to quantify, when we apply the principle of no regret and its results to financial benefits, the results are guaranteed to make us very satisfied. For example, if we don't care about clothing styles and keep buying from buy buy, we can save hundreds or thousands of dollars every year. This money can buy more books in professional fields, or upgrade your reading and learning tools.
Make it clear that you have nothing to be sorry for.
Put the things we don't need to be sorry for in the following venn diagram, and we can clearly see where all the time, energy and money are spent.
According to the degree of influence on our time, energy and money, these people and things that don't need to be sorry are divided into three grades: yellow, orange and red.
Yellow influence level: the most easily overlooked thing
Don't care about the greasy food you ate at the party. You can save energy and organize your reading plan.
Don't take part in the stereotyped and groundless gossip topics, avoid the workplace discussion of making false guesses and then making arbitrary judgments, and spend this time on your core competence.
Don't try to fully understand the stock market, and use that time to learn something that is really meaningful to us-such as knowledge and skills in a certain professional field.
Orange threat level: moderately difficult to ignore.
Although it is difficult to get away from such trivial matters, it requires a dialogue about opinions and feelings, including adhering to the principle of no regrets. But this temporary effort can win more time, energy and even money in the long run.
It may not be the best choice to ignore the graduation banquet, promotion banquet and salary increase banquet, but we can still find some work or important personal things as an excuse to politely refuse. After all, where does the other party know what specific tasks we have?
At first, we will worry that if we take this activity of promoting cooperation and cooperation seriously, the boss will fire us. But if we are used to improving our respected working ability and always doing our work well, which boss will be dissatisfied?
Red threat level: the most difficult thing to ignore
If you want to ignore things of this level, you need to use your head, stay calm to a great extent, and maybe use one or two tricks. This kind of thing often involves others, and it is very risky to hurt others' feelings, which is often difficult to understand in society.
What about the wedding ceremony of those relatives and things like that? Such things often inform us in advance and often trap us. Sarah Knight, the author of "Soul-stirring interpersonal relationship cleaning", recommended a visual exercise to us: Before accepting the invitation, think about our possible feelings that day and realize that there is a deep waste waiting for us, and then we will definitely find a reason that the other party can't refuse according to the importance of the small matter, so that the other party can't find the reason, and then cross it out of our plan first.
6 Using quadrant diagram to formulate coping strategies
We can use quadrant diagram to take corresponding countermeasures for different trivial matters.
Take the company's holiday dinner as an example. The sequence of strategies we refuse to adopt is: polite and honest practices-polite and dishonest practices-honest and impolite practices-dishonest and impolite practices.
Polite and honest practices:
Just refuse, and then send a beautiful gift.
I'm glad to receive the invitation from the company, but unfortunately I can't go.
Polite and dishonest practices:
Alas, I plan to help my parents clean the house today.
Honest and impolite practices:
We usually go out with friends on holidays. Let me discuss it with my friends.
Dishonest and impolite behavior:
I'd love to, but I have an appointment for appendix surgery today.
An exaggerated reason.
After such analysis, it is obvious that it is best to refuse directly and then send a beautiful gift.
7 abstract
People's hobbies, professional characteristics, experiences and knowledge are different, and everyone needs to formulate their own principle of no regrets that is more suitable for them. We can also modify it if we want, and pause it if we want-no one will refute or force us, as long as we are strong enough inside, no one will hurt us.
@ Soul Wisdom Soul Wisdom