From September, 2065438 to September, 2005, I finished my rotation study in intensive care unit and was assigned to emergency surgery in our hospital.

There is no independent surgical dressing room in the outpatient department, and the hospital directly arranges the patients who need dressing change after surgery for emergency surgery. As a result, dressing change patients often conflict with emergency patients, and the emergency department has been overcrowded, which makes people angry.

One day, after dealing with emergency patients, I went back to the surgical diagnosis room and continued to receive outpatients who had complained a lot before. A registration form was handed to me by a pair of hands: "doctor, please, I had a dressing change operation."

"What surgery, what part?"

The other party handed in the medical record, and I read the discharge certificate: rectal cancer, third operation. The first operation was four years ago, radical resection of rectal cancer. The second time, because the tumor metastasized to ovary and uterus, the ovary and uterus were removed. A month ago, it was found that the tumor had metastasized to the omentum and abdominal wall, and the third operation was performed.

I've seen too many cancer patients, and I'm already a little numb, but in the face of such a young cancer patient who has recurred and metastasized in recent years and frequently removed abdominal organs, I can't help but sigh.

I calculated the time. "The wound hasn't healed. Today, you can only change the medicine first, and then remove the stitches four days later. "

"You must take out stitches for her today. We all came to the hospital and waited in line for so long. We must take out stitches for her today! "

As soon as my voice fell, a voice thundered, and the noisy clinic was instantly quiet. The patients and their families who complained originally looked over in surprise.

"You have this disease yourself. How many people do you want to drag down and how many surgeries have you had? Your cousin specially asked for leave today to accompany you to change your dressing. You must remove the thread, or you will have to trouble others next time! "

The middle-aged man who spoke was flushed with anger and the veins stood out on his forehead suddenly and violently.

"Is there a father like you? Because of such a disease, Hui Ling has been fighting cancer. You hope, do you mean your daughter? "

The cousin mentioned by the man has been holding the patient's hand. "Doctor, don't pay attention to him. His temper has always been like this Change the medicine first today. "

"If such an operation is removed in advance, the wound is likely to open," I added.

This opening directly transforms family conflicts into doctor-patient conflicts.

The man patted his desk hard. "I have to take out stitches for her today. I won't let her come to the hospital again. The wound will open, and she will die when she dies. " After that, he took his daughter by the arm and dragged her to the dressing room by force.

Seeing that things were going out of control, I stood up and said to the man, "OK, let's compromise. In order not to open the wound, I will tear it off and on today. "

Hui Ling's father had nothing to say as he walked down the steps and was constantly discouraged by people around him. In this way, Hui Ling and I went to the dressing room.

"Doctor, don't take what just happened to heart. My father is impatient, but he cares about me. "

During the short conversation, I heard some familiar accents and asked, "Have you been to Xinjiang?" .

"Well, I was born and raised there. Before I came to work here (Chongqing), I studied there as a graduate student."

When I changed my dressing, I talked a lot with this girl with smart eyes. Her emotional intelligence is high, and the atmosphere is not as gloomy as other cancer patients.

Because of the particularity of medical work, I usually pay great attention to protecting my contact information, but that time, I left Hui Ling's mobile phone number and added her WeChat.

two

Hui Ling was born in northern Xinjiang and went to university in Urumqi. After working for a period of time, she quit her job and began to take the postgraduate entrance examination. It was also in the year of graduate school that she met a boy she liked. They agreed that she would get married as soon as she graduated from graduate school.

But everything came to an abrupt end in the second year of research. Hui Ling was diagnosed with intestinal tuberculosis in a local hospital because of recurrent abdominal pain. After a long period of anti-tuberculosis treatment, it has no effect. Later, he was transferred to the People's Hospital of the Autonomous Region before being diagnosed with intestinal cancer.

Although the operation was quick and radiotherapy and chemotherapy began after operation, the cancer cells still showed signs of metastasis.

After the disease was controlled, Hui Ling returned to school, continued to study her major, and successfully obtained a master's degree. At this time, the boyfriend's family learned about Hui Ling's illness and ordered them to break up.

Hui Ling, who has just passed the test of life and death, has no time to feel sorry for himself, just calmly accept the reality.

After graduation, she left her parents to work in a school in Chongqing to change the environment. She began to yearn for being like a normal person, forming a family with someone she likes, having children, and living healthily until retirement, or even longer.

But soon, bad luck came unexpectedly.

A year ago, in the summer vacation, Hui Ling learned that the tumor had metastasized. This metastatic site, in addition to many lymph nodes in the pelvic cavity, also spread to the uterus.

Not yet married and having children, she can only accept the doctor's advice and choose another operation to completely remove the uterus and appendix.

A few months later, she had a third operation because the cancer cells had metastasized to the abdominal wall and omentum. In order not to let the school know about her illness, she made great efforts to buy fake medical records on Taobao, so that people around her thought that she was taking time off for treatment because of hepatitis.

"Why don't you tell the truth? The school will manage it more or less. "

She smiled. "I want to live a quiet life and don't like being surrounded by sympathy. That feeling is very bad. "

After several dressing changes, my friendship with Hui Ling is getting better and better. Because our city is adjacent, every time she goes to my cousin's house, as long as I'm not at work, she will meet, have dinner and drink tea together.

With her, it's hard to feel that she is a cancer patient. She is more open-minded than me, and she also has some tangled and depressed things. It is always much easier for me to talk to her.

three

On New Year's Day, 20 16, I received a phone call from Hui Ling. Her voice was a little excited and she eagerly asked me to go to her house and said that she had something important to discuss.

At the gate of her community, a thin man came downstairs to meet me, and I immediately guessed the purpose of Wheeling. Under the guidance of this man, I went to Hui Ling's home for the first time.

Simple one-bedroom, warm and tidy indoor. As soon as we entered the house, Hui Ling's mother enthusiastically poured us tea and snacks, and let us settle down. She went back to the kitchen and was busy packing jiaozi.

Hui Ling introduced me that this person is her colleague, single, and likes to keep cats, read books and cook on weekdays. Hui Ling thought he and I might have a chance, so she created such an opportunity.

After dinner, I spent the night at Huiling's house. After the male teacher left, I looked at her with a malicious smile: "With my years of dating experience, he can come to eat this meal today. In fact, the original intention of an alcoholic is not wine, he is coming for you. "

"On the other hand, if the teacher is really like what you said, that's really good. He is a man who can live. Have you considered him? "

The smile on Hui Ling's face froze for a moment, and he sighed softly. "I haven't thought about it, and I dare not expect it." Graduate students will find this disease, which is surgery plus chemotherapy. I thought I could get a new life. Results Because of cancer metastasis, the uterus and appendix were removed. "

After a pause, she added, "Even if the other person doesn't mind, I don't want to drag others down. The longer I can live, the better. I can spend more time with my family and attend classes on the podium. I am satisfied. "

I didn't know how to answer the phone at that time. Seeing that my face became heavy, she changed the subject and talked about the interesting things of the students.

four

After the arrival of spring, I fell in love with the outdoors. When I am not at work on weekends, I will go hiking with my donkey friends. There was a hiking route in downtown Hui Ling, and I called her to ask her out.

After the call was connected, I learned that she had been transferred to Chongqing Cancer Hospital for treatment because of her illness.

Although I knew from the beginning that her illness had progressed to this stage, there was no such thing as a miracle. My mood suddenly became heavy. I gave up my plan to walk and rushed to the hospital at once.

At the gate of the hospital, I bought a big bunch of flowers. Because I didn't tell her I would come, she was a little surprised when she saw me, then looked at me and smiled heartily.

Huiling is much thinner than three months ago. She is more haggard and sickly pale. My hair fell out badly because of chemotherapy. Holding flowers, she happily took out her mobile phone and showed me the recorded video.

Some time ago, the school in Hui Ling held a speech contest for young teachers, and she won the first prize. Later, a company took a fancy to her and specially recorded a video as a training courseware for the enterprise.

Hui Ling in the video is wearing a red sweater and light makeup, and looks good. I just found out that she is actually very beautiful.

"At that time, the liver area was very painful. Although I took painkillers, I felt a little unbearable after I said it, and the last link did not play well. " She looked at herself in the video with pride and some regret.

On the contrary, Hui Ling looked at the bedside CT sheet. "At the beginning of March, the liver area and back were very painful, and I was awakened when I took painkillers at night."

Her tone was unusually calm, but my body trembled a little. I worked as an intern in oncology earlier, and I know that "cancer pain" is a nightmare.

Severe pain can make people scratch the edge of the bed, roll around, hit their heads against the wall or hurt themselves. Some people can't stand it and ask for euthanasia.

"I know that cancer may have metastasized again. I don't know how long it will take this time. However, it's still early for the holiday, and I really can't hide any longer. I can only explain my illness to the school. "

She smiled. "These days, many colleagues, friends and students have come to see me, and I feel that the situation is not so bad."

When I came, those people had already left. Only Hui Ling's mother took care of her in the hospital. Aunt is over 60 years old, with gray hair and not strong body. Compared with the first time, it is even more vicissitudes.

Aunt is very warm and friendly to people. She said that Hui Ling's father returned to Xinjiang six months ago because he didn't like the climate in Chongqing and had a bad temper.

I stayed in the ward until noon when Hui Ling invited me to a nearby restaurant. When I was about to leave, my aunt bowed her head and changed her shoes. I noticed that both her socks were broken, and my heart was sour.

Before leaving the ward, I took out the gift money I had prepared before. Although I know it's a drop in the bucket, it's also a little token of my own concern.

Hui Ling and his aunt refused to accept it anyway. After several rejections, I had to give up.

five

When we arrived at the Three Gorges Square, Hui Ling strongly recommended a Shaanxi restaurant. She took her colleagues to eat the other day. It was delicious.

This meal is very enjoyable, like an ordinary family dinner. No one mentioned the disease, but as doctors and patients, we all know it.

Because of chemotherapy, Hui Ling ate very little and kept joking with us. After dinner, Hui Ling and my aunt insisted on refusing my bill, just as they refused to accept the gift money before.

"I am very glad that you can come to see me. Really. " She smiled softly.

Say that finish, Hui Ling took out a handmade wallet from his bag. "I made this myself during my hospitalization and gave it to you." Every time I look at your bank card and banknotes, they are all misplaced. I have to tidy them up. "

I know that Hui Ling still has liquid to lose this afternoon. I have been urging them to go back to the hospital first, but NianLia insisted on taking me to the station.

On the bus, Hui Ling's mother told me to look after things outside the window. The car started slowly, and the figure of them snuggling together became smaller and smaller. After all, they failed to hold back their tears.

After a period of treatment, Hui Ling's condition was temporarily controlled. The school arranged a relatively relaxed position for her. Every once in a while, she will go back to the cancer hospital for review and treatment.

It was also during that time that I fell in love with Hui Ling and lost a lot of contact.

I met her again on New Year's Day, 20 17. That day, Hui Ling went to her cousin's house and learned that I was at work. She came to see me in the hospital specially and brought some Xinjiang specialties.

I haven't seen her for half a year. She is thinner and wears a wig. Because of multiple metastases, Hui Ling began to receive targeted chemotherapy. The side effects of the drug led to pigmentation, and her skin color became unusually black. From a distance, she is already a seriously ill patient.

Only those eyes are still warm and shiny.

After lunch, we wandered around the nearby shopping center. On New Year's Day, the shopping mall was very busy and crowded, and Hui Ling was also very happy. She tried on many clothes, but none of them fit.

When we went to a XX store, she took a fancy to a beige down jacket. She stayed in front of the fitting mirror for a long time, repeatedly looking at herself in the mirror and asking me to take pictures of her.

When she saw the price on the label inside the clothes, her eyes darkened instantly. Finally, she smiled apologetically at the shopping guide and put the clothes back carefully.

"Really don't consider it?" I whispered.

She said shyly, "In the second year of work, my family bought me a house here with all the money and took care of me. The cost of this disease is too great, and now it is beyond our ability. "

She bought a coat for her mother before she left the mall. "It's a holiday, which makes her mother happy."

That was the last time I saw her.

six

Since I met Hui Ling, I have often turned to my circle of friends for help. If you haven't seen her update for too long, you will inevitably be restless.

During the Spring Festival of 20 18, Hui Ling updated a dynamic:

I am a person branded with a C by the hand of God, but before that, I was a lovely people's teacher with a three-foot platform that I loved.

Everything came so suddenly, I was desperate and miserable, but I still loved my family and had many wishes to realize. Faced with the high medical expenses, I don't want to burden my parents, and I don't want to be a person who reaches out to the society, so I choose to support myself.

In fact, it is quite difficult to make this decision, but there is no way. The cost is too high, and I don't want to compromise with the disease easily.

Huiling opened her own micro-shop, specializing in selling homemade handmade bags. I went into her micro store, and those bags were beautiful and unique, and each one was unique.

Before, she sent me some pictures and asked me to choose one I like. But she did all this when she was sick. How can I accept it with a clear conscience? I chose one directly from her micro store and placed an order to pay the bill.

On the day I received the handmade bag, I left her a message asking about her illness.

She irrelevant answer, "you are going to get married, when to hold the wedding, be sure to tell me. I have been in the hospital for treatment these days, and I will go home when I feel better. The materials are all at home. I will prepare a beautiful wedding bag for you to use at the wedding. "

20 18 in mid-may, I received Hui Ling's wechat. Her illness, the situation is not good, the tumor has metastasized to many places, intestinal obstruction, can not eat or drink, can not do surgery. The biliary tract has also been blocked, and her whole body skin has turned dark yellow.

She doesn't intend to do any more treatment, and wants to go back to the nearest hospital oncology department for palliative treatment.

I worked as an intern in the oncology department of that hospital before. I quickly contacted my former teacher and asked him to help me with it.

The oncology department of this hospital has been renamed as "hospice care". Doctors will respect the wishes of patients and will not impose more traumatic examinations and treatments on patients, so that they will suffer as little as possible in the last days of their lives.

At that time, there was a lot of work pressure, and I had to prepare for the promotion exam. I kept saying to myself, "I'll go and see her when I'm busy." But after the exam, I didn't go for one reason or another.

In fact, in the final analysis, I am too weak to face it.

Earlier, there was a young girl with liver cancer in Corey. Because of his poor family, he gave up treatment directly and prescribed analgesic injections in our department for a long time. There is a nurse who specializes in chatting with this girl with liver cancer. She basically takes injections every time.

But soon, the girl's tumor ruptured and she bled a lot. When the ambulance arrived, people were already dying. It happened that the nurse was on duty that day, and her crying echoed in the corridor of the emergency room, which was heartbreaking.

At this stage, patients with advanced cancer begin to lose their physical strength and can't even pick up their mobile phones. Most of them are in a state of cachexia. Because the tumor is consumed for a long time and cannot eat, the patient will become skinny and have no face.

In addition, accompanied by endless pain, the complications caused by multiple metastasis and invasion of multiple organs can not be cured, but can only be a heartbreaking cry.

I dare not think that Hui Ling, who smiles gently in my memory, will eventually face this.

At the end of June, I went to the night shift and brushed my circle of friends. I saw Hui Ling's last circle of friends: the obituary written by the Lotus Care Team, and there was a portrait below.

She died in the hospital a few days ago and was cremated three days ago.

The night shift is rarely clean, but I was so worried that I didn't sleep a wink all night and read the obituary repeatedly:

Hui Ling was ill and treated for several years, and persisted and advanced for several years.

She asked for liberation, to be liberated, to be taken away, and the past was better.

Water under the bridge.

After work, I sent a message to Hui Ling's WeChat, filled with apologies. Tears while trembling, regretting not seeing her for the last time. ?

Soon, I received a reply. That's Hui Ling's mother:

I really appreciate your help. Your teacher took good care of us when we arrived at the hospital. It happened that your teacher was on duty the day Hui Ling left. After that, I went to the funeral home and kept chanting for Hui Ling.

I went back to the hospital the next afternoon to thank him, but he wasn't there. I waited for him for three hours, but I didn't see him. I think you should get married. Hui Ling has been thinking about this problem all his life.

Do tell me when you get married, and I'll come and congratulate you.

The title comes from: unsplash

The author's seventh night, emergency surgeon.