Einstein A group of young students asked Einstein to explain what relativity is. Einstein made a vivid and humorous analogy: "if you sit with a beautiful girl for two hours, you will feel as if you have only sat for one minute;" However, if you sit by a hot stove for even a minute, it's like sitting for two hours. This is the theory of relativity. 2. Hector Today, Hal Jin, a famous American literary critic, kept covering his ears with his hands when attending the banquet because he didn't want to listen to vulgar music. The host asked, "You don't like listening? The music played is the most popular and noble. Hutchin said, "Is the popular thing noble?" The host asked, "Will it be popular if you are not noble?" Hutchin said, "A cold epidemic is not noble, is it? Andersen Andersen dressed simply and lived frugally. He wore an old hat when he went out. Someone asked him, "What's that thing on your head? Will it be a hat? " Andersen asked, "What's that thing under your hat? Can you count the heads? "Voltaire Voltaire is very addicted to coffee, and the amount of coffee he drinks in his life is amazing. A kind-hearted man once told him, "Don't drink this drink again. This is a chronic poison. You're killing yourself slowly! "You're right, I think it must be chronic." The old philosopher said, "Why else would I not die after drinking for 65 years?" George Washington George Washington was the first president of the United States. He has a young secretary. One morning, the secretary came late. He found Washington waiting for him. He felt guilty and said there was something wrong with his watch. Washington calmly replied, "I'm afraid you have to change your watch, or I'll change my secretary." Mark Twain, an American humorist, went to visit Bogart, a French celebrity, who was a sarcastic scholar. He joked about the short history of the United States: Americans often miss their ancestors when they are free, but they can't stop thinking about their grandfather's generation. Mark Twain immediately hit back with quips, saying: When the French have nothing to do, they always try their best to find out who his father is. 7. One day, Rubinstein gave a solo concert in a theater somewhere. Before the concert, Rubinstein stood in the hall of the concert hall, watching a large audience pour in to listen to his music. The service staff in the box didn't know he was a performer, but thought he was an audience who couldn't buy tickets, so they reminded him with concern: "Sorry, sir, there is no room today." Rubinstein said gently, "shall I sit in front of the piano and walk forward?" Chaplin is famous for his satirical comedies. There are more people imitating him. A company specially held a competition to see who is the most like Chaplin, and invited some experts who studied Chaplin as referees. Chaplin heard the news and came to take part in the competition. But judging from the results, he won the second place. On the day of the award, the company invited real Chaplin to speak. Chaplin wrote back: "There is only one Chaplin in the world, and that is me. Embarrassed, the opinions of critics should be respected. Since I was awarded the second place, I'd better ask Chaplin, the first one, to speak. " 9. Beethoven once, Goethe and the German composer Beethoven (1770- 1827) walked side by side, and passers-by kept greeting them. More often, Goethe became impatient with this frequent return and could not help complaining. Beethoven smiled and comforted him and said, "Sir, you don't have to worry. Maybe they are greeting me. " Brahms A large part of Brahms' music is good at lyrical melody, so it always fascinates young ladies. Once, Brahms was surrounded by a group of ladies, who kept asking questions, which made him upset and tried to escape several times, but he just couldn't get out of the tight encirclement. Helpless Brahms took out a cigar and smoked it. The ladies couldn't stand the strong smell of smoke, so they said to him, "A gentleman shouldn't smoke in front of a lady." While continuing to smoke, Brahms said leisurely, "Ladies, where there are angels, there must be auspicious clouds around." I really didn't expect it within twenty crosses! I didn't find it either! That's all! 1. The headmaster and English teacher visited a middle school in France. The headmaster spoke in the auditorium and the English teacher translated. Principal: "Teachers and students!" English teacher: "Ladies and gentlemen!" Principal: "Ladies and gentlemen!" English teacher-_-! Thought for a moment and said, "Good morning!" Principal: "Good morning!" English teacher: ... = = "Khan 2. It is said that there is a polar bear who wants to wear sunglasses to see things because the snow is too dazzling, but he can't find sunglasses, so he crawls around on the ground with his eyes closed until his hands and feet are dirty. I put on my sunglasses and looked in the mirror before I found out: Oh, I'm a panda. 3. A polar bear stayed in a daze on the ice alone. When he was really bored, he began to pull out his hair, one, two, three, and there was no last one left, and then he froze to death. 4. Once upon a time, there was a bird that passed through a cornfield every day, but unfortunately, one day there was a fire in that cornfield, and all the corn turned into popcorn! ! ! After the bird flew by ... it thought it was snowing, so it was very cold. Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged, so he ran outside crying and flew away. 6. The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly refused it. Spider asks: Why? This is why! Butterfly said: My mother said that people who surf the Internet all day are not good people. 7. On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said it was too hot. I want to take off my clothes. As a result, he skinned it. As a result, the banana in the back fell down. Then peeled bananas become dried bananas. One day, three explorers finally found the "Valley of Hope". According to legend, as long as they stand on the edge of the valley and shout what they want, and then jump into the valley, they will get what they want. So the three of them decided to have a try. The first one was a goat, so he shouted "Woman! Woman! "The next jump is really all beautiful women waiting for him. The second is a bookworm, shouting "book, book, book!" "Then, he jumped into the valley and got books full of pits and valleys. The third is an indecisive person. He can't decide what he likes best after careful consideration. After an hour, he finally made up his mind that money is the most useful thing, so he went to the edge of the valley. He accidentally kicked a stone and scolded, "Shit! "Unexpectedly, the center of gravity instability fell into the valley. Xiaoming, who will have an exam tomorrow, is watching TV in the evening. Xiaoming's mother asked anxiously, Have you read all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow. Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it. Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow. Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'. 10. The panda loves the deer deeply, but it is rejected when expressing its love. Panda roar ~ why? What's all this for? The deer said timidly, my mother said that those who wear sunglasses are all bad teenagers. One day, Xiaoming was walking on the road. I suddenly feel sore when I walk! Why is this happening? Because Xiaoming stepped on a lemon! 12. Which Chinese character is the coolest? The thong (cool) towel says to the coin: Ah. If you put on the doctor's hat, you will be worth a hundred times. " Ruler "said to" do ":Sister, the results have come out. You are pregnant with twins. The minister said to the giant: the same area as you. I have three rooms and two halls. 13. One day, a university teacher asked a student that there were ten birds in the tree and one was shot dead. How much is left? The student asked: Is it silent pistol? No, how loud was the shot? 80- 100 decibel. Is it illegal to shoot birds in this city? No offense. Are you sure that bird was really killed? Of course. At this time, the teacher was impatient: "just tell me how many birds are left, ok?" "Is there a deaf bird in the tree? No. Have you ever been caged and hung from a tree? No. Are there any other trees nearby? Are there any other birds in the tree? No, if a bird is pregnant, is it a bird in its belly? Not exactly. Is there a flower in the bird photographer's eye? There are no flowers, only ten. The teacher was sweating all over, and the bell rang, but the students continued to ask: Are there any stupid birds that are not afraid of death? Fear of death. Would you kill two with one shot? No, the student said confidently, if your answer is not a lie, "if the bird that was killed hangs on the tree and doesn't fall, there is only one left." If it falls, there will be no one. ".The teacher immediately foaming at the mouth fell to the ground! 14. One day, someone passed a crossroads and found something super scary. He found Kakashi and the Monkey King laughing! 15. Once upon a time, one night, there were three shrimps in the pond. Ha ha ha, a female ghost farted to death. 16. A female alien engaged in biological research came to the earth. Turning around, she felt that there were many things worth learning from human genes, so she arrested a person and wanted to take him back with written information about human genes. But the ship is too small to take him away, and the information is too huge to take away at one time. When she was anxious, the computer help system of the spaceship said, "This man has a small stick that can solve all your problems ..." Then she suddenly realized and smiled and said to the drooling man. . . . . Give me the flash drive! ”。 17. A pothole was crossing the road, and he was accidentally run over by a truck. When he died, he looked at his body and said, "I stuffed the bean paste, not the meat." 18. Brother, don't touch it! You touched the top and the bottom, and your hair fell out. Such tender skin, you have touched all the water! How do you want me to sell it later? These peaches are all fresh, don't buy them! 19. Once upon a time, there was a lamb. One day, he went out to play and met a wolf. The wolf said: I want to eat you! ! ! The lamb is frightened! Guess what happened? As a result, the wolf ate the lamb. 20. Once upon a time, there was a swordsman. He is cold, his heart is cold, and his sword is cold. Finally, he froze to death. Once upon a time, there was a tiger chasing a deer on the road! The deer was frightened, ran faster and faster, and finally turned into a highway. 22. One tomato was hit by a stone, another tomato was hit and hit, another tomato was hit and hit, and countless tomatoes fell and hit. Tomato sauce! 23. The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it. 24. One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by wolves. Wolves easily destroyed straw houses, wooden houses and brick houses. Three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but the wolf caught up with them. The three little pigs said in despair, it's up to you. We gave up. Whatever. At this moment, the wolf grinned and drooled and said, Then tell me where Little Red Riding Hood is. 25. The elephant put shit in the middle of the road, and an ant just passed by. Looking up at the misty mountain peak, it couldn't help singing: Alasao, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~ 26. Don't worry if you don't bring paper by the railway. The train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry, when you go to the toilet by the river and there is no paper, the frog will tell you: scratch, scratch, scratch! 27. Two counterfeiters inadvertently created counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they bought a 15 yuan candied haws with 0 yuan, they cried and the farmer gave them two 7-dollar ones. 28. Someone's newly-installed phone has just been rented out by the cinema, so people often call to ask about the movies being shown. At the beginning, he always explained politely that this phone is no longer his, so please don't call again. After a long time, he also felt annoyed and simply said, "You have the wrong number!" " This will also save some saliva. One day, a familiar voice came from the other side: "What movie is showing now?" As usual, he said, "You have the wrong number!" After a moment of silence, the other party replied, "Is it a domestic film or a foreign film? 29. A man climbed over the wall and went out of the school gate, and was caught by the headmaster. The headmaster asked: Why don't you enter the school gate? Answer: Meters, Bang Wei and Bang Wei don't take the usual road. The headmaster asked again: how did such a high wall cross over? He pointed to his trousers and said, Li Ning, anything is possible. The headmaster asked again: What's it like to climb over the wall? He pointed to his shoes and said, Xtep, it feels like flying. The next day he entered the school from the main entrance, and the principal asked, why don't you climb over the wall? He said: Anta, I choose, I like it. On the third day, he wore a gangster costume. The headmaster said: You can't wear a gangster costume! He said, you are what you wear, Mason. On the fourth day, he wore a vest to school, and the principal said that he could not wear a vest to school. He said, man, simple is good, love fort clothes. The headmaster said I would give you a bigger score. He said: Why? The headmaster said, M-Zone, my site is my decision. Life is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4000 yuan from me, saying that he was going to have plastic surgery. As a result, he didn't know what he had become. Oh, 4,000 yuan. 3 1. Attention robbers: Our employees only know Spanish. Please be patient when grabbing, and you'd better bring an interpreter. Thank you! 32.are you blind? You can't see such a big shield, but you want to throw stones at my head! 33. I think I should lose weight. Last time I donated blood, I actually shed 100 ml of lard. 34. Tourist: Master, is that straw house over there a toilet? Monk: Except that thatched cottage, all the places are toilets. 35. Without hair, dandruff is more prominent! 36. Shit and urine are good brothers. One day, when I was crossing the street, I was killed by a car. I said, I miss shit so much ... 37. Yesterday, I signed up for a weight-loss training class, and they asked me to wear loose clothes when training. How dare you? If there are still loose clothes, then why should I sign up? 38. My wife and I haven't spoken for 18 months, so I haven't had a chance to interrupt her. 39. thief a: count how much money was robbed today? Thief B: No, just read the newspaper tomorrow. 40. Stand higher and pee farther. 4 1. Go your own way and let others take a taxi. 42. Wear other people's shoes, go your own way and let others find it. 43. One night, when a young woman passed a mental hospital, there was a sudden "wow" behind her. The woman turned to look, and a man was chasing her. The woman began to run in fear, and the man behind her followed. No, there's a dead end ahead. Desperate, the woman knelt on the ground and cried and begged, "Whatever, just don't kill me." The man smiled cunningly and said, "Really? And now you're chasing me. "44. At a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! The whole audience was silent and creepy! ! ! Cold ~~~ 45. Tigers don't send cats, you think I'm dying! 46. A person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold sentence: Too much wine will lead to too much. 47. When I went to Li Ning with my sister to buy shoes, my sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes? "48. In the past, others visited menstruation's house and just entered. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea! ""49. In college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid! I spit in your face with shit.