However, I didn't give up fluttering, and I don't want to let go. Because, letting go is darkness, letting go is cold, letting go is suffocation, and letting go is eternal emptiness and pain. I don't know what to do with it.
……
In fact, it was in the process that my mother was entangled in her sickbed again and again and passed away from death again and again that I began to feel the deep connection with this painful and happy life.
……
20 16 1 1 my mother was taken home by me on March 3rd.
At that time, my mother had just left the hospital.
That day, as usual, I went to my mother's house to see my mother. My mother lay thin in bed, moaning for a while. A groan of forbearance and help in hoarseness is enough to destroy the nerves of any normal person. I just sat there crying with my mother. I don't know what to say to my mother. ...
My mother is so trusting and obedient. I taught my mother the law of attraction, and I told her not to treat herself as a patient. I told her categorically that we all live the life we want, both happiness and misfortune. So mom needs to change the system and change the thinking system of a healthy person.
If I hadn't misled my mother in such a logical way, how could my mother walk two or three hundred meters every day when she was in hospital and go to the hospital to buy breakfast without listening to dissuasion? ...
I've been thinking about the moment when my mother fell down the hill. ...
I tried to restore my mother's fear at that time, and I tried to regret my childishness. Looking at my mother's swollen face, her mouth corners and palms are covered with purple syrup. I really want to slap myself hard.
It was that autumn that the mother who lost her father at the age of 6 never knew what fatherly love was; The mother who miraculously stood up after a year of paralysis at the age of fifteen and treated herself as a man all her life never got better.
……
I sat next to my mother and burst into tears. If I could do it all over again, I would rather my mother was a sick old man. I won't think about the 65-year-old mother, who is still wearing white lavender sportswear and white sneakers. No matter how difficult it is, she is clear and hard-working, and her life is dominated by her father, her brother and my world.
I should accept my mother's age and her weakness. ...
Thinking about forcing my mother to be strong when she couldn't be strong, now think about how terrible selfish and cruel it is.
……
Suddenly, my mother turned over, grabbed the cell phone by the pillow and started hitting her on the head. Caught off guard, I quickly climbed into bed and climbed onto my mother to grab my mobile phone. Before the phone was put down, my mother rushed to call the police again, and I was busy rushing to call the police. ...
Before that, my mother wanted to find a place where we wouldn't get in the way with ropes. Mother also cut the dialysis tube in her right chest with scissors. ...
It is unbearable to destroy mother's will and make her miserable.
At that time, I collapsed, completely collapsed. I knelt beside my mother and cried loudly, begging her not to torture herself like this. ...
I held my mother's face and wiped her tears and said, Mom, you can't leave me like this. If you leave, I really have no home. I'm not so strong that I don't need a mother or a home.
I can't help my mother. I can't give up my mother. I must bind my dying mother again with love and responsibility. ...
I prayed sadly and struggled. ...
I want my mother to move in with me. Then I won't have to go to the Economic Commission on duty every night; In this way, I can continue to write. ...
I said, our home is ventilated, our home is sunny, our home is close to the hospital, our home and my brother are in the same neighborhood ... I encouraged my mother with my so-called filial piety, and my mother reluctantly convinced herself with a T-shirt that I was thinking about ... Finally, my mother couldn't hold back my crying and noisy, and took me back to that narrow home.
My mother is in poor health, but I am relieved.
In those days, my mother's cough, my mother's snoring and my mother's moaning from time to time all became my hypnosis. From being unable to sleep all night to being able to sleep for four or five hours slowly to being occasionally woken up by my mother ... The mother who lives in half a room and sleeps in half a bed finally doesn't want her daughter to have a home and become my relative.
……
Later, my mother was hospitalized again. I settled an account with my mother. From the second day of the first month of 20 12, my mother was hospitalized and struggled in the hospital for more than two months before she came back to life. My mother stays in the hospital for no less than one hundred days every year. My mother is a frequent visitor to the inpatient department 13 floor and 14 floor. She can name almost all nurses in cardiology and nephrology. ...
……
If it weren't for 20 16 1 1 24, I suspected that I was dead, and I thought that my life would always be so stumbling. I gave my mother at least six to eight years to live. After all, my mother has only been on dialysis for more than seven years. After all, the longest dialysis history in China is 28 years.
Speaking of which, I suddenly gnashed my teeth. I want to say that dialysis is not a cure, dialysis is a death sentence, with a reprieve. No matter who you are, as long as you enter the dialysis room, no one can come out healthy. number
Every time I push my mother in a wheelchair into the dialysis room and look at those lifeless faces as young as six or seven years old and as old as seventy or eighty years old, I feel sorry and heartache. I think dialysis is an invisible death notice. We are not saving my mother, but making a transition with death, a gradual transition. ...
……
That night, the lights in the corridor were dim and the patients in the ward were quiet. When my daughter came to see her grandmother, it was already eleven fifty in the middle of the night. Seeing her daughter come in, my mother is full of energy. During the day, my mother didn't recognize me and asked me again and again, "where is this?" Why so many people? " "What do you sell here?" From my mother's eyes, I know I can't enter this world in front of my mother. I'm afraid my mother will get lost. I'm afraid my mother will get lost. Just like I lost my only uncle. My uncle had a cerebral hemorrhage and was admitted to the hospital for less than a day. Because no one pressed my uncle's hand, my uncle reached out and scratched in the air from time to time, waving his hand ... I entered the hospital in the morning and "disappeared" under my nose in the afternoon.
According to the elders, people will be pulled before they leave, and reaching out is not a good sign. So, on the 24th, I always controlled my mother's hand. As soon as her hand sticks out of the quilt, I will hold it down immediately. I forbid anyone to take my mother. Because my mother is not only my mother, but also my grandmother's daughter. Twenty-seven years after I lost my uncle, I am not allowed to lose my mother again ... in that case, my grandmother who lives in the sky will have no children in this world. On the other hand, grandma is a lovely relative. She really accompanied me in my childhood. Even if I come to the end of my life, I dare not forget her.
Besides, my father wants me, my brother and all of us.
……
My daughter is whispering to her grandmother there. Neither my daughter nor I planned to sleep that night. We were lying on both sides of our mother and chatting with her without saying a word. I asked my mother, do you have any regrets about living so big? Mom smiled and said, I don't know what regret is. I know, it's not that my mother doesn't have regrets, it's that my mother is used to hiding herself, so that in the end, a Chinese teacher who knows words and speaks forgot the meaning of regrets.
I patted my mother's face with tears and laughed at her: "Mom, why are you getting more and more stupid?" Mom just smiled foolishly. Mom's smile is particularly easy-going, especially soft, and it radiates Zen light. Every time I see my mother smile like this, I want to cry. My mother, who has been working hard all these years, has been wrapping herself up with ferocity, which is her strongest and stupidest line of defense. At this moment, even the defense line collapsed, indicating that mom was really tired and really compromised. A mother is like a snail that has taken off its shell, just like a baby that is drifting away from her mother ... Who can lay down his life to protect her? ...
I hold my mother's scrawny hand, which is painful and loving ... I wonder why I am so sick. My mother has finally become a woman, a soft, silly and a little innocent woman in Lian Xiao.
I asked again, mom, if you are allowed to travel, do you have any special places you want to go? Mom blurted out Sanya without thinking. I wonder why my mother is so sure. Do you have any unfinished wishes? I rubbed my mother's fingers one by one and tried to ask, is there anyone you can't let go of? Mom said, no, I just want to see the ends of the earth. At that moment, I felt ashamed and wronged for my mother. It's been almost 80 years since I came to this world. 193 countries my mother has never been to. Even Sri Lanka's native motherland only went to Wuhan and Wuxi. In my mother's mind, I must think that the ends of the earth are the farthest places in the world. At that moment, I was really distressed and regretted it. After working for so many years, why have you never thought about taking your parents to travel? At that moment, I really wanted to fold myself into a paper plane and take my mom and dad with me. ...
I was scared. That's my mother dying. Fortunately, my mother recovered. At two o'clock in the morning, my mother fell asleep again. My mother told me with a tired face that my mother didn't lose it.
……
Since then, my mother's illness is getting worse every day. Mother began to have a bone headache and often cried in pain. Mom often says go to hell.
Slowly, I began to let go of my fantasy that I must take my mother to Sanya for a dream, and began to believe that my mother was really going to die. ...
Mom gets up twice a day to sit once, from one or two hours to dozens of minutes a day. Starting today, mom won't get out of bed, take medicine or sit down. My mother began to discuss death with me calmly.
Mom asked me to stick painkillers on her regularly. Mom said, when I lie down for two days without pain or screaming, you will take me to see my master. The teacher my mother said is Li Shifu from Dongyueguan. My mother always said that it was Master Yan who saved her and made her live for another five years. I thought my mother asked me to send her to the master to survive. I didn't expect my mother to say, son, I can't bother you anymore. Just let me leave my master!
Before my mother finished, I couldn't control my inner grief any longer and burst into tears. My suffering mother, I have never felt safe in my life! Although you lost your father when you were young, you didn't get the power of his love when you were young. But you raised your children, and you have a room full of children and grandchildren. Who are you afraid of bothering? I'm your daughter. Where are you in trouble?
I sat by the bed and stroked my mother's forehead. Mother's forehead oozed with fine sweat, and her mother was crying. Mom said there was no money left for me, but she gave me all the trouble! I pinched my mother's mouth gently with my hand to stop her from talking. In recent years, I have been so busy and worked so hard, don't I just want to have more ability and more opportunities to honor my parents? My mother gave me life and the best gift. Why should my mother feel guilty? Now that my mother has moved to my home, my home is where my mother belongs. Mom lives in my house with peace of mind. We're not going anywhere. I will always be with my mother!
Mom, my 10 thousand mothers who won't let go, now, my relationship with my mother has become a dish. My mother is the perfect apple, and I am the sweet and crisp one ... without my mother, I would break into pieces.
……
Today is April 1 day, April fool's day in the west. I cried all day.
But from tomorrow on, I want to laugh.
I know that everything that happened here today is an April Fool's Day story. Don't take it seriously
……
At the moment, my mother is beside me, covering her with the new pink quilt I just changed for her today. Mother's snoring is even and steady.
At this moment, it is already the early morning of April 2. April Fool's Day has passed. I want to say that even if the world hurts again, I believe that love is the best painkiller. I borrowed a poem from Tagore to express it: "The world kisses me, but it wants me to sing back."
As long as my mother is still there, as long as my home is still there, I am willing to be a thorn bird and pierce my throat just to sing! Flying thousands of miles can always sing!