In China, there are many reasons for getting married. May be old, the family began to urge; Maybe I want to have children; Maybe friends and colleagues are married; It may also be that the other person's family is good.

In a word, Chinese marriage is not just two people coming together, but two families, whose social status and economic foundation are rooted in each other's world.

In the BBC documentary Chinese Marriage, a foreign journalist recorded a blind date in Hefei and interviewed a mother who accompanied her son on a blind date.

Reporter: Why can't your son find a girlfriend?

Aunt: Because all the places where he works are men.

Reporter: Is he ready to get married?

Aunt: Yes, the house has been bought.

This makes foreign journalists puzzled, how to buy a house and get ready to get married.

Later, he realized that in China, marriage is not an option, but an obligation. In order to get married, people in China go on blind dates, attend dating training classes and even have plastic surgery.

Some marriages don't have much love from the beginning, but for the benefit, for the sake of face, for the sake of children's making do.

By the time I get bored, I'm already living in a web I've woven for myself, and it's hard to get out.

If only you were so rational. It is the most instinctive thing for a person to want to be noticed, understood and loved.

Most women stick to China's concept of marriage, and even if they want to understand and be loved, she will give advice to their husbands.

However, the marriage and relationship provided by society for men are separate.

Zhou Chong once told a story in an article:

She once asked a man in his fifties, "Do you think the high divorce rate is a good thing or a bad thing?"

The other party said decisively: "Of course it is a bad thing. The state should manage. "

Zhou Chong continued: "So, what if two people are miserable together?"

The other party said, "Then go out and find a lover yourself. Marriage is inseparable. "

You see, many men think that they can cheat and find a lover, but marriage can't break up.

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Men are more afraid of divorce than women.

There is a survey abroad:

After divorce, men's quality of life is greatly reduced, they indulge themselves, eat irregularly and gain a lot of weight. 48% of men claim that they feel extremely lonely.

On the contrary, the life of divorced women is getting better and better, and the proportion of women who feel lonely is only 28% of the total number.

Why?

We can find the answer in the phenomenon of "retirement divorce" in Japan in recent years.

Usually Japanese women do housework and take care of children, not only themselves and children, but also this man.

Japanese men, on the other hand, work all their lives, get together with friends after work, don't go home, don't do housework, let alone run relationships.

Japanese law stipulates that a wife has the right to share a pension with her husband. Once the husband retires, wives with pensions are unwilling to bear such grievances again and have filed for divorce.

Men are used to living by clothes and have been enjoying the benefits of marriage unconsciously. Only after the divorce did they find that their home was no longer always clean and tidy, and it was no longer always hot food.

As a result, they only see what they have been ignoring, which is most of their daily existence. Feel lonely because of loss.

After Japanese men retire and divorce, depression, suicide and crime rate are increasing year by year.

Many women will say: You can either get a divorce or live a good life and talk.

However, many men will say, I don't want a divorce.

But what he didn't say next was that I didn't want to live well either.

Why is this happening?

In fact, in their eyes, marriage and feelings are separated.

Not getting divorced doesn't mean being close.

Not getting divorced doesn't mean making you happy.

Not getting divorced doesn't mean meeting your requirements.

Of course, not getting divorced does not mean that the relationship has improved.

You will find that men's dependence on marriage is actually mainly in life; Women's dependence on marriage is mainly emotional.

But one is an existential threat; One is the threat of development. Men are naturally more afraid of divorce than women.

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Men who are "unwilling" and "incapable"

For women, "divorce" and "improving relationship" are like two ends of a seesaw. Failure to improve the relationship means divorce, and failure to divorce means improving the relationship.

But why do men separate "not getting divorced" from "improving relationships"?

There are two reasons: unwillingness and inability.

First of all, there is no will.

For example, if a man cheats, does he love his wife more or his lover more? How to judge?

My wife will think I'm in such pain, but he still wants to see his lover. Of course, he loves the people more.

My lover will think that I have paid so much. If he really loved me, he would have divorced. Of course, he loves his wife more.

Men will think that one person can love many people at the same time, and I love both.

So who does he love?

Quite simply, the only person he loves is himself.

Once I received a male visitor, I was particularly puzzled and asked, but I just couldn't figure it out. Why is she so angry? Ancient men all had three wives and four concubines.

There is a word in psychology called "narcissism", which means that narcissists pay more attention to their own needs than ordinary people, feel that they are particularly important, and unrealistically think that they can get special preferential treatment.

Others are more like tools to satisfy themselves.

Besides, I can't. 0

Some men will say something like this:

"Don't be tired of two people all day. Everyone has their own space is not good. "

"Why do you always force me to promise? I really hate her. "

"Don't keep telling me that I miss you and love you. Aren't you bored? "

Such people are in a state of "incompetence in love". They can't communicate with others in a deeper level and are at a loss about love.

Psychological "emotional incompetence" refers to this group of people who may always be polite, gentle and kind. But once emotional communication is needed, they don't want to know how you feel, and they don't want to say how they feel.

Because in their experience, that feeling is terrible and may destroy them.

Once they feel disappointed, angry, painful, etc. They either deny it or ignore it; Or throw this feeling to others.

For example:

The child is ill, you are stupid.

There is no paper at home, but you are nothing.

The ground is dirty, you are wrong.

It's raining and I'm in a bad mood. It's your fault.

A family trapped in emotional incompetence is like a stagnant pool. Although it exists, it is dead. Men, on the other hand, have long been accustomed to this state and are unaware of any abnormality.

03

You always have two choices.

I like a sentence in Divorce Lawyer very much:

Nothing can be obtained only through marriage, but the most precious feelings between two people can only be produced through marriage.

What if your husband is unwilling and unable to improve the relationship and you can't give up this marriage?

You must be able to teach others to love yourself.

First of all, you must remember that dealing with men is different from dealing with women. Women can show their vulnerability, but you must always protect your self-worth and face.

Second, how to teach? We should pay more attention to attitude than content.

For example, if the reply is not timely, the man will swear when he opens his mouth.

At this point, we don't need to explain, but we need to correct his attitude:

1) I can understand your concern about the baby.

2) But I don't accept your abusive attitude.

3) I didn't reply to you, there must be my reasons. This time it's because my mobile phone is in arrears, but you think I don't respect you. You didn't ask about it, so you assumed it was the latter. I don't accept such an exchange.

4) And when you don't respect me, it's hard for me to respect you.

I hope you apologize for what you just said.

6) If I don't apologize, I will express my counter-attack to your attitude in my way.

This is the way to communicate with them as an adult.

Many people say that even if I say this, he is likely to fight back or ignore it.

In fact, whether he apologizes or not is not the most important thing. We should listen to his words and deeds.

If he doesn't apologize, but later his words begin to be valued and respected, then we will give him a step down.

But if he continues to make such offensive remarks, we must stick to the most basic bottom line until he thinks that this is a wall, and it will not do him any good if he continues to be so guilty.

Having said that, what I want to say is that words are just a "technique" and a trick, but it is not these gestures that really determine the relationship, but your "determination".

This is our "internal strength". No matter how beautiful my handwriting is, your strength is too small, so naturally it is useless to you.

Why can you tolerate him not getting divorced, which is not good for you?

Because your heart has been deceived by a demon, and that demon is the baby mentality: if I don't have this man, I can't live.

We live in this world, that is to say, we have three choices:

1) Leave the responsibility of taking care of yourself to others.

2) Give yourself the responsibility of taking care of yourself.

3) Give yourself and others the responsibility of taking care of yourself.

The first two are not very reliable, because the former is too unsafe. What if this person can't take care of you? The latter is too much. What if you can't take care of you? What we are going to learn is the third kind.

First, you are responsible for taking care of yourself;

Second, you should learn to take care of yourself.

Third, you should learn to teach others the ability to take care of themselves.

Learn these three points, and your life will have a real sense of security.

Otherwise, everything is bullshit.