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Seven skills of psychological counselors: clarification, mirror image, judgment, analysis, silence, quality and concreteness.

One: Clarification

It is to guide visitors to explain vague information or unclear statements in more detail and turn them into clear, specific and in-depth information. At the same time, clarification also includes the counselor explaining the information expressed by the counselor according to the needs of the visitors. (The aforementioned verification is included in clarifying this concept. Many clarification techniques are used in Satya's family therapy consultation dialogue. )

Visitor: I can't continue with him. He has been hurting me.

Counselor: You said he had been hurting you. Can you elaborate on it? (concretization)

Visitor: He always says that he is busy at work. I called him and hung up every time I said a few words. On my birthday, he promised to accompany me to travel. As a result, he went on a business trip temporarily and failed to do what he promised me. And every time I buy something for my parents, it's not as good as buying it for his parents. I don't think he values me at all.

Consultant: OK, let's look at what you said one by one. The first thing: does it mean that you called him during his work hours (clarification), and he hung up without saying a few words, making you feel that he doesn't value you.

Visitor: Yes.

Consultant: Will he do the same after work? (clarification)

Visitor: That's not bad.

Counselor: Then why do you think he doesn't pay attention to you because he doesn't talk to you for a short time at work?

Visitor: Even if you are busy, can't you tell me more? I'm her girlfriend!

Consultant: Oh, you mean you want him to put you in a more important position than work? (clarification)

Visitor: Yes.

Counselor: Let's take a look again. We promised to spend your birthday with you, but we were temporarily on a business trip. You said he didn't keep his promise. It shouldn't be his personal decision to travel, should it? (clarification)

Visitor: That's true, but I think if he values me, he can ask the leader for leave!

Counselor: You mean he has to make some sacrifices, such as asking the leader for leave to give you a birthday to meet your needs, so that you will feel valued? (clarification)

Visitor: Yes, I think so, too. Love needs sacrifice.

Consultant: Hmm. So, you said that what he bought for your parents was not as good as what he bought for your parents. What's the matter? (concretization)

Visitor: During the Spring Festival, he bought a pair of magnetic therapy pillows for his parents and a massage instrument for my parents. I hope he will treat my parents equally and buy magnetic therapy pillows for my parents. He said it would be no good to buy them anyway.

Consultant: What does he mean by "it's not good to buy one thing"? (concretization)

Visitor: I guess it's because the massager is tens of dollars cheaper than the magnetic pillow. Do you think he doesn't value me?

Consultant: Guess? Oh, that means you don't know what he actually means. (clarification)

Visitor: er ... indeed.

Counselor: You want to treat both parents equally. He thinks it's not good to buy the same. As for what he said, "not so good", you don't know what he meant. So, in fact, you don't agree (clarify) to buy gifts for your parents. It's just that the massager is tens of dollars cheaper than the magnetic pillow, so you think it's because he doesn't value you that he bought it for your parents.

Visitor: Yes.

Counselor: Other than that, how did he treat you at other times?

Visitor: Come to think of it, apart from these things, he usually treats me well. He picks me up from work every day, sends me home, cooks for me, and helps me with the evening lessons. On weekends, I will also go home to help my parents do some housework and make the elderly happy.

Counselor: In that case, but you said he didn't value you? Sounds strange? (texture)

Visitor: Alas! Although he is very kind to me, he is busy with his affairs every time I need him very much.

Counselor: Oh, that's right. In other words, when you start to say "he hurts you", what you actually mean is that when you really need him, he just doesn't satisfy you, making you feel neglected and hurt, not that he deliberately wants to hurt you. Is that so? (clarification)

Visitor: That's right.

Summary: The purpose of clarification is to really understand the contents of the visitor's statement, so that the visitor can find that the judgment or emotional cognition in his statement may not be the real situation he knows.

Personal experience: The premise of helping visitors to let go of their judgment is that psychological counselors should first learn to let go of their own judgment so as to hear vague information in their statements and guide them to clarify their stated events or feelings.

Second, mirror shooting.

Psychological counselors should make positive oral or body language responses to the emotions of visitors, so as to be consistent. Just like when a person looks in the mirror, his every move will be reflected in the mirror.

Visitor: I hate my mother and always impose her ideas on me.

Counselor (Language Mirror): Oh, you feel wronged. I hope mom can respect you.

Counselor (body language mirror): His face is sad. I won't miss my dead father every day. I really regret not being nice to him before. (Bowing his head and sobbing)

Consultant (Language Mirror): Alas! You really can't bear to let him go. I wish you could make him happier when he is alive.

Counselor (body language mirror shooting): silent for a moment, sad face.

Summary: Mirror shooting skill is a skill of empathizing with visitors, which makes them feel fully understood and accepted.

Personal experience: If visitors are relatively isolated from their inner feelings, then the expression of emotions will be less direct or exposed, and even words and deeds are different when expressing emotions. At this time, the consultant can accurately use the mirror shooting skills, which will help visitors to see their inner feelings and be moved, and gradually learn to perceive their inner feelings and express them accurately under the influence of the consultant.

Third, the judge pulled away.

During the conversation, psychological counselors let go of their own inertia mode, not to judge the meaning of the visitors' words, and through guidance, let the visitors gradually understand and change their irrational thinking.

Visitor (irrational thinking): I hate my mother and always impose her ideas on me.

Counselor (verdict shows): How can you hate your mother? After all, she is your mother.

Counselor (judging to pull away): You think your mother has always disrespected you.

2. Visitor: (irrational thinking): I don't think my husband loves me anymore.

Counselor (verdict shows): How? If he didn't love you, wouldn't he have divorced you long ago?

Counselor (judging to pull away): Something happened between you, which made you wonder if he didn't love you.

Summary: Judging distance is often used in the process of listening and empathizing, so that visitors can see from the consultant's mirror that many of their ideas are irrational, which is a judgment of their own judgment rather than a judgment of facts. At the same time, in this process, they also felt the full understanding of the consultant.

Personal experience: Only when psychological counselors put down their own judgment and feel the visitors can they really hear what the visitors really want to express. The psychological counselor's attitude of not judging everything will gradually affect the thinking mode of visitors, so that visitors can learn to explore the truth, instead of always falling into their own guesses and indulging in negative emotions that the facts do not bring.

Fourth, analysis

Explain and analyze. Analysis is to let visitors learn to see the essence through the phenomenon, instead of clinging to superficial behavior and jumping to judgment and not seeing the real state. The basis of analysis is insight, which, like empathy, listening, communication and perception, is one of the necessary abilities for consultants.

1, Visitor: My husband only goes to the gym every day. If he wants to spend more time with me, he won't do it. His attention has completely left me now. What a nuisance!

Counselor: You see your husband spends his time on fitness every day. You want him to spend more time with you, but he doesn't want to. You think he doesn't value you (repeat). Are you worried that he doesn't love you?

Visitor: Yes, I'm a little worried.

Counselor: If my husband is busy with his own business all day and doesn't accompany you, it's really worrying. (in the same way)

Visitor: Yes, I can't stand it now. This situation has been going on for half a year.

Counselor: It's been half a year (repeat). It seems that you have been patient for so long, and now your patience has reached its limit. (clarification)

Visitor: Yes.

Consultant: What do you think caused this situation? (Began to guide tourists to explore the problem in depth)

Visitor: I don't know, but in the past six months, our husband and wife have lived very little, almost once a month. I wonder if it has anything to do with this.

Consultant: Oh, that's right. Have you discussed this problem with your wife?

Visitor: After discussion, I think we should go to the hospital for examination.

Consultant: What does your husband think?

Visitor: He blames himself for his poor health.

Consultant: Oh, he thinks he is in poor health. Have you ever thought that maybe it is because he values your feelings that he works so hard to keep fit, because he wants to adjust his body and solve the problems between you. And you only see him not taking you to the gym every day. (analysis)

Visitor: I see. Well, not only did I not support him, but I always blamed him.

Summary: Analysis is a process, not a judgment. Analysis requires a full understanding of the facts. Consultants can boldly imagine, and then step by step to understand the facts and make an analysis.

Personal experience: the premise of fully understanding the facts is that the same reason is enough and the same reason is not enough. Visitors will not be able to collect enough real information because of defense, and then they will not be able to conduct accurate analysis. Psychological counselors should be good at asking questions, because many times visitors don't realize what information is helpful for counseling. Therefore, counselors should be good at digging up information, and at the same time, they should be keenly aware of the internal relations between seemingly unrelated events, so as to see the essence through phenomena and link various events together for comprehensive analysis.

Verb (short for verb) silence

Silence, also known as silence, means that the counselor gives the visitor an opportunity of emotional solitude or cognitive reflection during the consultation process. In practice, a pause of more than 5 seconds is considered as silence.

1, visitor: alas! It's a long story What can I tell you?

Counselor: lean forward with a smile and be silent for a few seconds ... (Silence and body language convey the message that "I am patiently waiting for you to start talking, and I will listen to you attentively." When seeing a visitor meditating or preparing to sort out his thoughts, the psychological counselor should pay attention to silence, give the other person time to prepare the next sentence, and don't rush to express his views and interrupt the other person's thoughts. Some counselors feel a little uneasy as soon as they feel silent, and they are anxious to speak when they are worried about silence. This requires self-knowledge.

Visitor: I don't care what she does to me, just pretend I don't have this friend! (sneer)

Counselor: Do you really care about her? It's strange that I suddenly feel very sad when you mention it.

Visitor: ... (stops talking)

Counselor: ... (Silent for a few seconds, staring at the visitor with some sadness. )

Visitor: The expression on her face is beginning to get a little sad. Give the visitor some time to feel his true feelings. If the counselor keeps silent at an inappropriate time, but continues the topic, it will make the visitors ignore this emotion. Although the visitor has a sneer on his face, the consultant, as a mirror, wants the visitor to see his true feelings. Therefore, the counselor expresses his inner sadness, a sad expression, and the mirror shines in the heart of the visitor. )

Visitor: He really helped me a lot, not only helped me arrange my work, but also provided me with financial support. Without him, I wouldn't be today. I think I love him.

Counselor: Do you think you love him? Are you sure?

Visitor: ... (silent for a few seconds)

Counselor: ... (silent for a few seconds, looking at the visitor with some confusion)

Visitor: Maybe. I don't know. I'm not sure if I really love him.

Conclusion: Silence needs the assistance of body language, such as nodding, staring, expression changes, etc. Otherwise, the meaning of silence will be unclear. If the visitor has antagonistic silence, the psychological counselor should pay special attention to the discretion of silence. Long silence can easily cause frustration on both sides, and it is also easy for visitors to misunderstand your empathy.

Personal experience: Silence is also a kind of non-verbal sensory transmission. Timely silence can also play a very good role, making the visitor feel that the silence at that moment is exactly what he needs. You can understand his mind like this, and give him a space to be alone, and his emotional connection with you will be closer.

Six, surface quality

It refers to a kind of language expression that psychological counselors point out the contradictions between the feelings, thoughts and behaviors of visitors face to face and urge them to face or face up to these contradictions.

The purpose of interview is not to "point out mistakes" and deny and belittle visitors, but to "reflect contradictions" in the consultant's mirror. The focus of "reflecting contradictions" is not to correct mistakes, but to inspire and motivate visitors, so that visitors and consultants can discuss the problems they face together and treat these problems objectively, with the ultimate goal of helping visitors.

The foundation of quality: good trust relationship and full empathy. Due to the psychological defense mechanism, many visitors are unwilling to admit their incompetence or failure, and appear evasive when talking about their own problems, refusing to face up to their own problems. Therefore, only by conducting interviews on the basis of good trust and full empathy can visitors feel that they are discussing problems on the basis of respect, rather than feeling attacked.

2. According to the facts, the event must be clear and specific.

Before the interview, if you don't fully grasp all kinds of information and have pertinence, visitors will think that the consultant makes a mountain out of a molehill and is suspected of finding fault, which will affect the consulting relationship. When using face-to-face technology, consultants should clearly and specifically point out the differences or contradictions between verbal and non-verbal information of visitors, so as to convince visitors.

3. Try and explore the attitude of noodles and avoid making excuses.

The purpose of trying and probing is to make visitors psychologically easy to accept, so as not to have rebellious psychology and make excuses. For example, "I don't know if I feel right. You seem to have put the blame on him. Don't you have any responsibility for this? " This tone is much more euphemistic than the language "I think you should also take responsibility for this", which is easier for visitors to accept and then reflect on themselves.

4, the surface quality should not be one step in place, should be carried out step by step.

Don't point out the contradictions or misunderstandings of visitors immediately after you find them. Pointing it out immediately will make the visitor feel defensive, and even feel that the consultant's opinion seems to be imposed on him, which will make him unacceptable for a while. So we should first empathize with his feelings, and then guide him to see these contradictions step by step.

situation

Visitor: Today, my dad actually told me that someone wanted to buy xx's shop. Before that, he made it clear that he would give me a dowry in the future. Really!

Consultant: Oh, your father told you that someone wanted to buy your shop. (restate) You are angry. (clarify feelings)

Visitor: Yes, I am very angry. I've been like this since I was a kid. I always lie, all I care about is money!

Counselor: Yes, you say good things and go back on your word, especially when it comes to the wedding dowry he gave you. It's really annoying that such an important thing has changed! (the same reason).

Visitor: Yes, my father can give me a dowry to show that he still has me in his heart, but now he is in the money's eye again.

Counselor: He gives you a dowry to make you feel valued by him. Now his regret makes you wonder whether he values money more than you. (clarification)

Visitor: Yes, he always gave me this feeling when I was a child.

Consultant: That is to say, you heard him say that someone wanted to buy your store, which caused you this unpleasant feeling when you were a child, right? (clarification. It was dad who said "someone wants to buy a shop", which made the visitors feel unhappy in their childhood, not the fact that things had happened, which made the visitors feel unhappy, and the visitors took their imagination as a reality. Therefore, the consultant gives clarification so that visitors can see the real situation. )

Visitor: Yes.

Counselor: So, you can judge that he must have ignored you for money this time. Let visitors see that the trouble is caused by their own judgment, not the fact that it has happened.

Visitor: That's right.

Consultant: Did you ask him if others wanted to buy it and he wanted to sell it? (Guide visitors to observe the facts)

Visitor: Not this one.

Counselor: Or have you ever asked, if he wants to sell it, will the money after the sale be used as your dowry? (Guide visitors to observe the facts)

Visitor: I didn't think of that. All I can think of is that he will lie to me like he did when he was a child.

Counselor: In other words, everything you are worried about has not been verified. (Surface finish)

Visitor: Alas! Yes, I fell into the habitual thinking mode again, and I was easily troubled by the facts I imagined. (Tourists have some feelings)

Summary: If you tell the visitor from the beginning that "what you are worried about has not been verified", she may be unable to accept this view because of her emotions, but after full empathy, the visitor's emotions have been channeled and accepted. When she can think and observe rationally, guide her to see her contradictions step by step, and the quality effect will be very good. At the same time, visitors will learn to observe the facts step by step in this process and avoid falling into themselves.

Personal experience: During the consultation process, visitors may avoid the interview with the consultant because they are unwilling to face the problem. This is natural. At that time, the counselor didn't need to defend with the visitor, but continued to listen carefully to the visitor's narrative and look for the next interview.

Seven. materialization

It means that the consultant should constantly ask him for a specific description in the conversation with the visitor. Talk about his views and feelings about someone or something. For example, in response to the visitor's narrative, the consultant asked, "Can you elaborate?" Or questions like "Can you give me an example" can help visitors clear their minds. Psychological counselors should not judge the right or wrong words of visitors, such as "How can you think that way" or "You think too much", but should use specific techniques to help visitors put down their own judgments and find the truth through emotional rationality.

Personal experience: everyone's cognition and feelings about the same thing are very different. When a visitor describes a thing or a person, he must ask his personal feelings and understanding about it, instead of understanding its meaning according to a definition he said and the consultant's own way, which will lead to misunderstanding.