Children's life, study and growth, no matter when and where, are the things that adults are most concerned about, most concerned about, most willing to invest, and also the most headache. The ideas, skills and methods involved in this article may open a door for your children's education, open a road and help you move towards a bright future of family life.
First, the tutor should have a clear goal.
One of the goals: to cultivate children into people who can think and act by themselves.
Parents remove all obstacles on the road that children have to cross first, which is called "overprotection"; Children have to give instructions at every step, which is called "too interference". As a result, children will never walk alone at any time, because doing so deprives children of the opportunity to accept challenges, learn from failures and gain various experiences. No child is exactly like other children. But many parents often compare their children with other people's children, or ask their children to keep pace with themselves and so on. Doing so can only get the result of killing the child's personality.
The second goal: appreciation in time, so that the advantages of children continue to increase.
We should cultivate children's self-confidence and self-love spirit. This spirit is like the roots of plants. The deeper and wider it is, the bigger the fruit will be. Parents should be full of confidence in their children's growth and development, and irrigate their children's hearts with rich nutrition and water.
This kind of nutrition and water is to discover the advantages of children and appreciate and praise them. Don't shy away from the question when it is time to criticize, but praise when it is time to praise. It is appropriate to set the ratio of criticism to praise as "one to three". Praised children are in a happy mood, and their self-confidence and self-esteem will develop accordingly. However, if you want to criticize, you must pay attention to the way.
Goal 3: Have ideals and be stronger.
I believe that children have their own dreams and hopes, no matter how trivial and ridiculous, parents should listen to their children talk about their dreams and hopes.
Parents should also seize the opportunity to tell their children about their own experiences, about the life experiences of those who have finally achieved their ideals through long-term hard struggle, and let children know that the goal of life is achieved in the process of sweating and repeated failures.
Goal 4: Cultivate an independent child.
Don't just pay attention to how many words your child has memorized and how many things he has learned. Don't always compare your children with other people's children, and compare them with the average. This is unfavorable to the formation of children's good personality and the healthy growth and development of children, which will make children lose their self-confidence. Believe in children's personality and independence at all times.
It is natural for children not to do exactly what their parents expect. The general direction is right, there is no need to be too restrained, which is very important. Only by raising children naturally can children thrive.
Second, parents should do three things.
An international kindergarten teacher observed an interesting phenomenon: children from all over the world played with sand, and a foreign child filled the funnel with sand with a small shovel. When the funnel leaks, there is always not enough sand, so he blocks the bottom of the funnel with his fingers to plug the leak. When the sand is full, he moves the funnel to the bottle mouth, and then lets go to let the sand leak into the bottle. Because of inexperience, there is not much sand leakage from the time when the child takes off his finger to the time when the funnel mouth is aligned with the bottle mouth. But the child is not impatient at all. He is doing it bit by bit. Finally, he "enlightened" again and again: he aimed the funnel at the bottle first, then poured sand, and soon the bottle was full. The child smiled and looked at his mother happily behind him. His mother kept clapping her hands to encourage her children.
Another China child's mother did it another way: when the child picked up the funnel and sand leaked from the bottom, the mother immediately squatted down and said, "Come, mom will teach you! Aim the funnel at the bottle mouth, and then pour the sand from here.
China's parents are willing to do anything for their children, thinking that if they do more for their children, they will do less. They don't realize that the process of letting children "go astray" is actually the process of accumulating wealth. Some innovative discoveries are made by "going the wrong way", and the results obtained by children themselves through hard work will feel particularly sweet. Giving children ready-made knowledge or experience not only deprives them of the opportunity to learn and accumulate from failure, but also deprives them of the opportunity to prove themselves and gain self-confidence.
Parents' attitudes towards their children can be summarized into three types: First, they take care of everything, always take care of everything, and do a lot of things for their children, but the results are not good or even counterproductive; Second, ignore everything, do nothing, let it go, ignore it, and the result can be imagined; The third is scientific and moderate management, but not much, but to let children grow up healthily in a relaxed and happy way. Obviously, parents should choose to "do something and do nothing" in the management of their children and let themselves go. Specifically, we should do three things well.
One is a "lawyer" who is a good boy. First of all, we must understand the colorful inner world of children, which is the premise of educating and guiding children. Otherwise, there is no way to teach children. To understand a child, you have to let him open his heart to you. The key to this goal is to maintain his self-esteem and rights and make you a friend he trusts and respects. On this issue, parents should treat their children like "lawyers", understand and meet their reasonable needs in personality and safeguard their legitimate rights and interests.
The second is to be a "cheerleader" on the field. In the arena of life, children can only succeed through their own efforts. Parents should praise, encourage and support their children like "cheerleaders" in the arena to keep them in a good competitive state. This will help children build self-confidence and ideals to ensure their success in life, which is the core task of family education. To be a good cheerleader, we should also pay attention to guiding children to face failure correctly, so that children can persevere in the face of setbacks and forge ahead on the road of life.
The third is to be a man and be a role model for children. Children's self-awareness or self-awareness is usually based on feedback from others, especially parents' words and deeds. Parents' behavior is the most used and effective "mirror" for children. Harmony between parents at ordinary times, harmony between parents and children, and a higher level of parents' treatment of people are indispensable conditions for children's success and success.
Third, parents, please look at yourself more.
Many parents complain that their children's behavior is not very good, they don't respect others, and they care about each other. The other children are graceful and polite. In fact, this has a lot to do with parents' words and deeds. No one can take the place of parents in children's minds. Parents, especially parents, are the main persons in charge and executors of children's education and the most direct and important educators. The initial moral concept of life is non-standard, and the code of conduct is obtained from the family. Children have no experience of contact and communication with society. It is their parents who teach them to know the people and things around them first. How parents treat life, work and study, how to treat society, colleagues and neighbors, and how to behave, whether good or bad, are often imitated and absorbed by children intentionally or unintentionally. If you want your child to have any qualities and accomplishments, parents must first have these qualities and accomplishments. In this sense, parents are children's mirrors, and children are parents' shadows. Therefore, the success of family education depends on the quality of parents and their self-education level.
Family education is a kind of life education, and example is an invisible educational force. Therefore, parents should constantly introspect, improve and perfect their psychological quality, moral quality, intellectual quality and educational ability, and be worthy of being a "good example" for their children, and infect, edify and shape their children with their sound personality. "Straight up, don't make trouble. His body is not right, although he does not obey. " That's what I said.
Therefore, as parents, we should pay attention to our image in front of our children and set a good example for them everywhere in words and manners. Only in this way can we truly become a mirror of our children, guide them to develop in a good direction, and guide them to find truth, goodness and beauty with practical actions.
Fourth, parents should make their children feel safe.
Parents are very clear about keeping their children safe. However, to make children feel safe, perhaps many parents lack this awareness. In fact, in order to make children grow up healthily, this awareness of adults is indispensable.
Attachment to parents is a child's instinctive need and behavior. Parents must create a warm and safe environment and atmosphere to make their children feel safe and happy at all times. Only in this way can he have a stable psychological foundation and will not feel afraid and anxious about anything; This not only makes the child feel good at the moment, realizes the adaptation to the current environment, but also lays the foundation for him to better adapt to the environment and live a better life in the future.
A sense of security and trust is very important for people of any age. If the mother is hostile and distrustful of people, children will be infected with these bad emotions inadvertently and imperceptibly. For example, someone thinks your son is cute and wants to take him out to play. If you are a distrustful mother, you will tell your son, "Don't go, he will take you away. In that case, you will never see your mother again! " Mental health and caring mothers often tell their children that there are many good people and bad people in this world, but few bad people. Of course, when he grows up, he should also tell others from the corresponding angle that things are complicated, bad people have good sides, and good people also have bad sides. He must be careful not to unconsciously lead out the negative things in the child's instinct.
Human instinct has both positive and negative sides, so we should pay attention to, guide, motivate and explore the positive side of children as much as possible; On the negative side, we should avoid attention and stimulation. This should be the principle that parents must adhere to in the process of educating their children. For example, the child fell and got up, the child sent a delicious candy to his mother's mouth, the child sympathized with the weak, donated money to the poor and so on. And parents must pay attention and praise in time; For example, if a child sees what others want, as long as they don't reach for it, the best thing for parents is to ignore it, and the objective function of ignoring it is to dilute it. Ignoring children's irrational things is the best policy, reasonable education is the middle policy (because preaching itself is to remind attention and strengthen), and criticism and abuse are the worst policy. It is the great wisdom of educators and elders to let the rational part of children's instinct grow into a big tree and let their irrational instinct be in the primitive bud.
Verb (abbreviation for verb) appreciates children's mistakes.
"How can you be so stupid"-when we teach children to do something, they always fail to learn or forget.
"Shut up and look at other people's children"-when children do well in the exam, but they don't meet our requirements.
"Don't cry, if you cry again, I'll ..."-When a child is in conflict with others or feels wronged by being beaten.
The purpose of family education is to make children grow up happily and healthily. Criticizing children blindly will stifle their self-confidence and motivation to make progress. Therefore, we should learn to appreciate their mistakes.
To appreciate children's mistakes is to appreciate their nature or instinct. A child is like a bud, not yet fully developed. Give him time, give him opportunities, give him soil, and he will bloom beautiful flowers. Our children may not play the piano as well as other children, but our children can play basketball better than their children; Our children's English may not be as good as other children's, but our children's math is not bad; Our child may be naughty and do many things that make people angry, but he has made progress. As long as you are willing and appreciate, there must be reasons and contents worthy of your appreciation.
Appreciating children's mistakes is to appreciate their unique side. Be good at discovering the uniqueness of children and praising them; A sequence has only one first place, but if we create more sequences, we will create more first places. It is an important family interpersonal skill to help children find the first place among them and let them experience the feeling of being the first place.
Appreciating children's mistakes is to explore the positive significance of children's mistakes. Fighting, for example, is a process of learning from society. Children who can fight know how to fight reasonably, how to stop fighting and how to seek mediation after fighting, which is of great benefit to children to solve interpersonal conflicts and contradictions when they grow up. Children who can't fight are either bullied or improperly defended, because once their pent-up anger breaks out, it is often difficult to contain and unscrupulous.
Children grow up healthily in the process of making mistakes, recognizing mistakes and correcting them. Therefore, when children make mistakes, don't rush to scold them. This is a good opportunity for children to learn and grow. They can show, appreciate and study mistakes with their children, find and understand mistakes, and become mature and improved in constant reflection.
Sixth, let children learn to accept themselves.
Self-acceptance refers to an individual's positive attitude towards himself and his own characteristics, and self-acceptance is the premise of a child's healthy growth.
A person's career includes two contents, one is to pursue growth, and the other is to avoid failure. People who don't accept themselves spend their minds on avoiding failure and live passively driven by negative psychology. I often think: "I can't make mistakes", "Don't let them underestimate themselves" and "I can't fail anyway." … Self-accepting people often think, "I'm fine", "I'm sure", "I believe" and so on.
In order to make children self-accept and succeed, parents should guide their children to do-
1. Don't oppose yourself. The hint is: "No matter what my present situation is, I choose to respect the uniqueness of my life."
2. Allow yourself to make mistakes. The hint is: "No matter what I did wrong, I will learn from it and won't make the same mistake again." Turn your mistakes into your own "teachers", learn and improve from correcting them, and concentrate on discovering your own advantages, so as to avoid detours. "
3. Accept your negative emotions. Admit and accept negative emotions frankly, keep a natural attitude, and believe that only acceptance can overcome them. The hint is: "No matter what kind of negative emotions I have, I should face them peacefully, face them squarely, experience and accept them, learn from them and know myself, and solve problems and deficiencies in a constructive way."
4. Realistic self-acceptance. Don't look at yourself critically, learn to be your friend, stand by you and accept everything unconditionally.
5. Treat failure correctly. Failure is an experience and a kind of wealth, which makes people smarter and more successful. Even when you suffer difficulties and pains, you can still experience happiness and happiness.
6. Being able to accept others. Accept yourself and cooperate with others. A person who can't accept others, his own advantages and functions will not be easily brought into play, and his life is hard to have a future and value.
A person who denies himself will instinctively be unable to accept this denial, so it is easy to fall into self-contradiction and conflict. When the conflict between the two causes anxiety, there will be a projection to the outside world-if you can't accept yourself, it will become-others will not accept yourself. So he thought: since others can't accept me, I can't accept others-in this way, his interpersonal process will become difficult. Therefore, only those who sincerely accept themselves will naturally accept others.
In order to make children become people who can accept themselves and maintain good relations with others, parents should encourage their children to master some principles and methods: ① Listen to others; 2 respect others; ③ Actively communicate with others; 4 Cleverly praise others; ⑤ Restrain yourself too much.
Seven, the role of encouragement
The first time I attended the parent-teacher conference, the kindergarten teacher said, "Your son has ADHD and can't sit on the bench for three minutes. You'd better take him to the hospital. "
On the way home, her son asked her what the teacher said. Her nose is sour and almost tears. Because of the 30 children in the class, only he performed the worst; Only to him, the teacher showed disdain. But she still told her son: "The teacher praised you and said that the baby could not sit on the bench for one minute, and now he can sit for three minutes. Other mothers envy their mothers because only the baby has improved in the class. "
That night, her son ate two bowls of rice for the first time and didn't let her feed him.
My son is in primary school. At the parent-teacher meeting, the teacher said, "Among the 50 students in the class, your son ranked 40th in this math exam. We suspect that he is a little mentally retarded. You'd better take him to the hospital for examination. "
On the way back, she shed tears. However, when she got home, she said to her son sitting at the table, "The teacher is full of confidence in you. He said you weren't a stupid kid. As long as you put your heart into it, you will surpass your deskmate. This time you sit at the same table for 2 1. "
When she said this, she found her son's dim eyes suddenly filled with light, and his depressed face suddenly stretched out.
She even found that her son was so docile that she was surprised, as if he had grown up a lot. When I went to school the next day, I went earlier than usual.
The child went to junior high school and held another parent-teacher meeting. She sat in her son's seat and waited for his name in the usual place, because her son's name was always called to the ranks of poor students at every parent-teacher meeting. However, this time it was beyond her expectation, and I didn't hear it until the end. She is not used to it. When I left, I asked the teacher. The teacher told her, "According to your son's current grades, it is a bit dangerous to enter a key high school."
When she found her son waiting for her, she walked out of school in surprise. On the way, she held her son's shoulder and felt a kind of unspeakable sweetness in her heart. She told her son, "The class teacher is very satisfied with you. He said that as long as you work hard, you will hopefully be admitted to a key high school. "
Graduated from high school. When the first batch of university admission notices were issued, the school told her son to go to school. She had a hunch that her son was admitted to Tsinghua, because when she applied, she told her son that she believed he could be admitted to this school.
When my son came back from school, he gave her a courier with the seal of Tsinghua University Admissions Office. Suddenly, he turned and ran into his room and burst into tears. While crying, she said, "Mom, I know I'm not a smart boy, but only you can appreciate me in this world ..." At this time, she was sad and happy, unable to restrain the tears that had condensed in her heart for more than ten years, and let it hit the envelope in her hand.
A vigorous word can change a person's concept and behavior, and even change a person's fate.
A negative word can stab a person's body and mind, and even ruin a person's future.
Eight. Appreciation and criticism in education
Desiring to be appreciated is a human nature and a spiritual need to ensure the healthy growth of children. Correct appreciation can make people experience the fullness and happiness of success, and this experience can be transformed into their own internal motivation for learning, action and development. The most taboo of family education is that children are useless. A famous artist said: "a tree may have green leaves if its flowers are not bright;" If the flowers and leaves are not beautiful, maybe the branches will grow out of order; If the flowers, leaves and branches are not beautiful, maybe he is in a good position. Against the blue sky, it looks graceful and beautiful from a distance. "Teachers and parents should learn to capture and discover the advantages of children in time, trust or respect them sincerely in essence, help them enhance their self-confidence and find the feeling of' I can do it'"; With this feeling, children are full of self-confidence and infinite courage.
To give full play to the role of appreciation education, several preconditions are very important. First, overcome the "learning-only view" and establish a comprehensive development view of quality education; Second, love children. Appreciation without true love is passive water and unpaid fire. The third is sincerity, to be neither humble nor arrogant, and not to be coaxed; Fourth, we should have a deep understanding of children's psychological world, appreciate them in a targeted way, and give full play to the incentive role of appreciation.
Correct appreciation education does not exclude criticism, let alone deny its important role. Moderate criticism can cultivate children's excellent quality of daring to take responsibility and not being afraid of responsibility. Criticism can also enhance their frustration tolerance, which can make them healthier physically and mentally and improve their personality. The secret of positive criticism lies in "a scholar can be killed but not humiliated", and criticism should be made on the premise of "respect and friendship". If he thinks your criticism is a reminder from a good friend, he will take it as a precious gift of life and accept it with gratitude. Look at how a teacher criticizes a naughty student: "How could a child like you do such a thing?" Don't you know that you are the pride of the teacher? "Imagine, children can refuse to accept this kind of affirmative criticism from the bottom of my heart?
It is impossible for children not to make mistakes. It is in the process of constantly making mistakes and constantly correcting that we can grow and mature. There are many rules and principles that teachers and parents must adhere to, otherwise it is difficult for children to have a correct attitude towards life. Some parents and teachers often spoil the process of criticism because of misunderstandings in attitudes, emotions and methods, which are mainly manifested as: ① turning criticism into satire, sarcasm, insult or belittle; (2) error comparison, using the advantages of the other party is worse than this, and using the length of the other party is shorter than this; (3) Lack of patience, generalizing, and denying comprehensiveness bit by bit; (4) Ignore individual differences, judge the merits only by academic performance, and appreciate the smiling faces of students who have studied well; A clumsy, expressionless criticism; If you don't slip, you will face it flatly.
An important principle of criticism is that things are not for people to see. You can't knock people down and deny the whole person just because the child has done something wrong. Parents often make language mistakes: "How many times have I reminded you, or, You're screwed.!" "With such a small score, it won't be your turn to pick up garbage in the future!" Criticism like this is like poking a balloon with a needle, and the damage to children's self-confidence can be imagined. Positive criticism gives children the feeling that you are still the best child. It doesn't matter if you make a mistake. I believe you can correct it.
Whether appreciation or criticism, as long as tolerance, trust, respect, understanding and so on as the premise. As long as we can observe children objectively in the right way of thinking and really appreciate them, criticism will be mild and moderate, and we can get the desired effect. Punishment is the proper meaning of criticism. Punishment should be based on the premise of not hurting children's self-esteem and helping individuals grow up healthily. For children, praise, encouragement and appreciation are like watering and fertilizing saplings, and appropriate criticism and punishment are like shaping and killing insects. In grasping the relationship between different educational methods, we should achieve: moderate appreciation, appropriate criticism, appreciation as the main, supplemented by criticism.