Lin Sheng, like Bai Teng, has been looking for a similar face, but fate is always like a mystery. It hides the person you love, so that you can never end this hopeless search. Those who hide are left to those who look for them, which is waiting and hurting day and night. Love and life are like a mystery. As long as one side abandons and runs away, the other side is convenient for endless search.

Bai Teng, will you stop fooling around?

Text/An Ning Xiaojie

[1] to love

In love, some words that have never been said can only be kept silent in the dark.

In love, those unspeakable injuries can only be painful with tears for a lifetime.

At that time, you were not like white porcelain.

At that time, I was so stubbornly in love with that white porcelain boy.

[2] The appearance of white porcelain in memory

Do you still remember that small town in Jiangnan that you haven't remembered for many years?

That girl named Bai Teng used to be such a brave girl. When she was three years old, she staggered with a big schoolbag on her back and went to kindergarten alone.

On the opening day of the big class, she saw a boy sitting quietly among a group of crying little dolls through the window glass of the small class classroom in kindergarten. His long curly eyelashes are like a butterfly spreading its wings. He turned and smiled at her, his mouth slightly rising.

That smile was so persistent in Bai Teng's mind that the little girl forgot to breathe and think, and even walked into the classroom unconsciously and fled in shame with a surprised expression.

I am a girl named Bai Teng.

Memories always make people relive happiness, and when they smile, they constantly uncover scars and bleed profusely.

Every day, the boy will be the first to come to school. He didn't enter the classroom at once, but sat on the bench by the flower bed for a long time.

When I was five years old, I stood silently behind that boy.

Dad says Bai Teng is a clever boy. Yes, although I am very young, I already know that I can walk with that boy with two delicious white rabbit toffee every day. In exchange, he allows me to gently call him a nice name, "Xuan Ning, Xuan Ning."

I am a brave girl. When I put two white rabbits in Xuan Ning's little palm, I said frankly:

"Brother Xuan Ning, I like you."

I am a bad girl who once put a peeled toffee in her mouth;

"Xuan Ning, don't move and close your eyes, okay?"

“MUA！” A loud kiss is always sweet in time memory.

When I was young, I always rolled up my sleeves and let Xuan Ning fight fierce boys behind me.

Xuan Ning said, Sister Baiteng, you are so brave!

But Xuan Ning, you are old enough to know that only pure and persistent love can make us so brave.

[3] I lost you in the winter snow of 1990.

The blizzard that day was the biggest snowfall in this small town in the south of the Yangtze River for decades. When doing morning exercises between classes, I secretly ran out of the team, holding Xuan Ning's hand and running out of the kindergarten. We made a snowman in a secluded alley behind the kindergarten.

We're playing hide-and-seek again. Xuan Ning tied his sky blue handkerchief to my pink handkerchief and covered my eyes. He ran away with a smile. I waited for a long time, but there was still silence around me.

I opened my handkerchief and shouted, "Xuan Ning, Xuan Ning, where are you?"

Xuan Ning is gone, my beautiful brother is gone.

I stumbled along an empty lane, looking for it all the time, but Xuan Ning still didn't appear. It was getting dark, and the dark sky began to snow heavily. I knelt on the snow, put my hands in the snow, and let the cold devour my body bit by bit. Tears drop by drop on the snow, and before I can wipe them with my hands, they freeze into ice particles. Snow covered my cheeks and hair.

I lost my little boy like a doll in a heavy snow in the winter of 1990.

When my parents found me, I was already blue and stiff with cold. When my mother picked me up, I couldn't straighten my knees.

She looked at my left hand in fear and shouted, "Fujin, your hand!" " "In that heartbreaking search, my palm was torn in the fall and my blood solidified.

"You give my son back to me!" A woman with messy hair rushed at me. She grabbed my arm and cried.

She is Xuan Ning's mother. She looks beautiful, with white porcelain skin and butterfly eyelashes, just like Xuan Ning.

"Aunt Ning, damn it, I lost your Xuan Ning." I knelt in the snow for a long time.

Many people are doomed. They control your destiny and your happiness. I can't hide, I can't run. Inadvertently made mistakes always need a lifetime to atone for them, and inadvertently left love is always found in thousands of times.

No one knows where the lost boy went. Life or death? Happiness or misfortune?

[4] Thirteen years later, you don't know me.

If time is a huge roulette wheel, it turns thirteen times inadvertently, and the deep alley before it has already vanished.

After this great change, my life has miraculously returned to stability and peace. I am the quiet girl, but I become proud and indifferent.

It was not until Lin Sheng appeared that I was impressed by all the people.

Many days ago, when the drama based on Mo Bosang's novel The Necklace began, my eyes were suddenly attracted by the tall and thin figure on the stage.

Dear boy, he is on an empty stage, with white porcelain skin, carved facial features and clear eyes like water. He is bending down to read the prepared lines to the girl who plays the heroine Mathilde.

I know the sentence he should ask is: "The sparkling love between us is more precious than this diamond, isn't it?"

Suddenly there was a harsh noise from the broken stereo, and a shiny thing rose in his eyes. He spoke softly in the harsh noise. "Dear Zhou Xiaoyu, let's be together, shall we?"

At that time, the stereo made many people unable to hear the boy's confession clearly, but I heard it clearly.

My trembling heart said in despair, "No!"

But the proud girl just looked at him and continued her lines, "No! I love diamonds more than you. "

He lowered his head and continued to write his lines. His voice was full of sadness, and his long eyelashes hung down all the time.

After that, I have been an enduring joke.

When a thick stack of love letters to Lin Sheng was circulated in the grade, I knew I was finished. Yes, on it, the name of Baiteng is clearly written.

Every letter has a striking scarlet letter, "Dear Lin Sheng, let's be together, shall we?" So shameless, so humble and ridiculous.

Teenage Lin Sheng proudly held up the letter and read it aloud, surrounded by contemptuous laughter.

I walked up to Lin Sheng with tears in my eyes and raised my hand, but his playful eyes were still so beautiful, and his face was as pure as that of Xuan Ning thirteen years ago. He was as tall and straight as a Populus euphratica tree. He looked down at me with contemptuous eyes, but let go of my young hand.

I put two soft white rabbit toffee into his hand, smiled and turned away, wobbling.

There were whistles behind him.

[5] A frivolous woman like Baiteng.

He must have never imagined that in this way, the quiet and steady white rattan was also regarded as a frivolous woman.

But Lin Sheng, you are wrong. Bai Teng has never been such a frivolous girl. She is a stubborn vine. Once she finds her own direction, even if the front is full of thorns and bumps, she will try her best to climb up.

I insist that you are the Xuan Ning I lost when I was a child. You see, you all have beautiful faces like white porcelain, clear eyes, a looming smile on your left cheek, and even slightly curly hair. They are all the same.

Lin Sheng Lin Sheng, you came back to her life after thirteen years, because God has mercy on this girl who has been obsessed with love, right?

You can't recognize our white rabbit toffee because you were confused and too young to remember the past like honey, right?

As a good student like me who only reads books in front of her eyes, she rushes to the canteen as quickly as possible every day to order Lin Sheng's favorite sweet and sour steak. At the moment when he lazily walked into the canteen, he handed it up humbly. Try every means to enter his dormitory, collect all his dirty clothes and smelly socks, and rub them with his hands with red holes in the freezing weather in winter.

Lin Sheng kicked me out with ugly words, and my insistence made him feel at ease. He even used to peel off the white rabbit toffee I put in his palm every day and enjoy the sweetness of that taste.

But I know that in the past year, he has never really looked at me, just because of my persistence, which made him from helplessness to habit, from anxiety to peace of mind.

Lin Sheng, you know what? It has never snowed so heavily in my hometown since the winter when you lost. Only in the summer of 1996, a serious flood disaster occurred. My house almost collapsed in the flood. I moved after the flood.

On the day of moving, I clung to the iron gate at home, fearing how scared the boy would be, because he was far away from where you were lost, and when I finally found the alley, Bai Teng was gone. Xuan Ning, you will definitely go back to the place where I lost you, right? How can a hidden game be hidden for so many years? How can you keep Baiteng waiting in that dark alley forever?

But Lin Sheng, have you completely forgotten that game?

Lin Sheng, a sophomore, hugs different women every day and passes me by. He made a hole in the right side of his nose and wore a diamond from 25 yuan, which sparkled in the sun.

On Lin Sheng 19 birthday, I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. He put his hand on the girl's charming waist, and Lin Sheng smiled naively. He said with a wink, my wish is also very humble, that is, I want a real diamond nose nail.

As he walked, he told the girl loudly that even if she picked the moon for me, I wouldn't like her.

But I am very happy in my heart, and he is willing to make a wish with me!

[6] If Bai Teng hadn't met Ji,

Ji Yuanning is a boy who suddenly appeared at the most difficult time in my life.

It rained heavily that day, and I was trapped at the bus stop, and my clothes were soaked. In the restaurant where I work, there are only five minutes left until six o'clock, and this rainstorm is still pouring down wantonly.

Just as I was about to rush to the rain curtain, the rain stopped. I looked up, but it was a boy with a wheat-colored face and a knife-shaped eyebrow. He smiled and his mouth was crescent. "Come with me."

Silently walking with him, I went to the coffee shop. I looked at Ji's shoulder and was completely soaked. I whispered my thanks and waved goodbye.

Heart suddenly surges mixed with sour warmth.

However, the kind boy actually put away his umbrella, smiled and pushed open the door of the coffee shop and went straight to the piano in the corner and sat down.

I just saw the boy's hand, his knuckles were tough, pale and thin, jumping up and down between black and white keys, playing a clear voice like a clear spring.

It turns out that the wheat-skinned man Ji is also a college student, but his work is elegant and decent, and I am eager to earn money to buy diamonds and do the heaviest work in the dirtiest dishwashing room in the kitchen.

But I saw the beautiful corners of Lin Sheng's mouth rise again and again. He is as happy as I am, and I am not as happy and willing as he is. Love can make people so humble, give up all reserve and pride, and humble themselves to the dust.

Plates piled up around me, and all kinds of food scraps smelled bad. As usual, I kept washing dishes, such as machines and prison slaves, until a pair of hands grabbed the plate in my hand, Ji Yuanning. I still remember your angry and cherished expression, your eyes were wide open and full of blame.

"No matter how much you need this job, no matter what you earn money for, please be sure to cherish your health. How can you be happy in this world if you don't love yourself? "

His beautiful eyebrows are slightly wrinkled at the moment, and his eyes are bright and shiny. I took the plate from him, but he took it back. He ordered me to take off my gloves in an unquestionable tone.

Those hands that became horrible because of frostbite were completely exposed in front of Ji, and there was so much love in his eyes.

He said, "I won't allow you to do that."

I raised my face, stubborn and firm. "I do."

He sighed and we were silent. He grabbed the bowl in my hand, scrubbed it hard and danced on the piano keys with his slender hands.

Ji Yuanning gave up his acting, a job that would make him shine. He willingly put on an apron and worn-out rubber gloves, pushed me away and was busy in the small dishwashing room. Every day since you met me.

Ji Yuanning, I want to wipe the sweat from your forehead for you, but I just turned around and didn't dare to look at you.

Whoever really falls in love with someone in a relationship owes someone. Ji Ning has been taking care of me and still owes me money. He used up all his work and bought a diamond nose nail just to get me to give up my job in the coffee shop.

Ji Yuanning put the box inlaid with jade in front of me.

"Bai Teng, please, please don't do such hard work again."

I said, "Yuan Ning, I can't accept it."

But he hung the box high on the window. "If you don't want it, it doesn't make any sense. You can only throw it away, and I will stop any restaurant from accepting you. "

Mr. Yuan was really angry, and his chest heaved violently. "Even if you do it for you and I do it for me, you should be obedient."

I turned my head to him and secretly wiped the tears from my eyes. "Well, I owe you."

[7] Ji can't be your wife.

But Lin Sheng still wears his 25 yuan diamond. He lingered outside the jewelry store for a long time, hesitating whether to go in or not.

Then, Lin Sheng held a delicate little box and dialed the telephone excitedly under the cherry tree in the northwest corner of the playground. I know this is for Zhou Xiaoyu, because only in front of her can his expression be so humble and cautious, and his mouth can't help rising.

I have been watching in the stands of the playground and crying all the time. Lin Sheng, a cocky boy in front of me, curled up alone in the corner under the tree, helpless and insane. Holding a small box in his hand, he looked up at the empty branches full of depression, and his shoulders kept shaking.

He was a wayward child when he was a child. He looks insane, much like Xuan Ning, who was sitting alone beside the kindergarten flower bed when he was a child. It was only thirteen years later that he realized that he could exchange two white rabbit toffee for all his happy white rattan.

And Bai Teng can't redeem all his happiness with two sweet sweets.

So now Xuan Ning and Bai Teng can only be alone in a game of hide-and-seek and can't recognize each other. This is my wishful thinking.

The sun is setting slowly, and the sky is getting darker and darker. Suddenly, Lin Sheng stood up and slowly opened the box. A silvery white ring drew a perfect arc outside the distant wall and disappeared.

And I, in the stands, have cried.

Turn around quietly, and Ji has stood quietly on the steps above me. He walked slowly into me step by step, and he extended his arm to me. "Here is a shoulder to cry on, Baiteng, you stubborn vine."

The empty sports stands are just you and me. I feel at ease under your warm protection. Your face is close at hand, so healthy wheat color, but unfortunately it is not the appearance of white porcelain in memory.

"Baiteng, can you end this hopeless love and be Ji's beloved wife?"

I feel your heart beating fast. I don't want to stop this chase and spend the coldest moment in winter on a warm shoulder. However, neither early nor late, I touched your hair. It's hard and straight, not the soft curly hair of Xuan Ning I remember.

My eyes are full of tears. "No, you are not my lost Xuan Ning."

"Ji Yuanning, have you seen the records in Compendium of Materia Medica? What a tenacious plant the white rattan is. When they are seeds, they will look for nearby roots. As soon as they grow, they will spread to the branches where trees grow and keep catching up with the growth of branches. "

It is recorded in Compendium of Materia Medica that even if the tree climbed by rattan is cut down or withered, rattan will not choose other trees. They will cling to the trees they have known since they were seeds, wither and die.

I raised my mouth and smiled. Ji Yuanning, I can't love you.

Ji Yuanning, you look sad. You quickly lower your head, and the light in your clear eyes fades little by little. Your voice can't hide the trembling, and your voice can't contain the sadness.

How I want to tell you, Ji Yuanning, that this hopeless and stubborn white vine is really tired. She really wants to climb the tree called Ning and stop her tired wandering.

Unfortunately, you are not white porcelain.

Ji Yuanning, I'm sorry.

Baiteng's heart has been scarred.

[8] Why does sincerity always hurt people?

The annual ring of time unconsciously turned two complete circles.

In these two years, I still stubbornly guarded Lin Sheng's side. I am still the brave woman, giving everything for the boy I really love, whether it is emotional or material, happiness or pain.

Ji Yuanning still hasn't given up on me.

When I wash clothes for Lin Sheng, he will take them away like a plate in my hand, and then rub them carefully under the dripping faucet. That's another boy's clothes, but he washed them so willingly, so seriously and so quietly.

My knee often hurts because of frostbite that winter. Every time I go to the infirmary behind my back to get dressed, it's Ji; Every time I try my best to get into the girls' dormitory and apply a hot towel to my knees, it's also Ji Yuanning.

But unexpectedly, I personally ruined his music career.

On my 22nd birthday, Yuan Ning asked me what gift I wanted. I cocked my head and thought for a long time. "I want to hear you play the piano again. I haven't heard you play for a long time. "

The expression on his face was so uncertain that he refused to leave, so I dragged him to the piano room.

Sitting in front of the piano, he hesitated for a long time and finally reached out and patted me on the head. "Silly boy, I don't play the piano."

"Why?"

He smiled unnaturally, brushing black and white keys with his fingers, and suddenly big tears came out, and finally he couldn't help crying on the piano cover.

"Rattan, do you remember? On the night of the winter solstice, your knee suddenly hurts. I hurried to the hospital behind your back. We fell down on the way. At that time, I thought it was just a dislocation, but later I found out that my phalanx was broken. But because the power is too strong, it cannot be recovered. "

It's like being hit on the head with a blunt instrument. I feel very painful. That night, Yuan Ning's white face was clearly presented, but he just carried me to the hospital and stayed with me all night in front of the hospital bed.

He can't play the piano anymore. He has been practicing the piano for more than ten years, and he can only grieve silently with him in a quiet corner.

Ji Yuanning, standing behind you, I want to hug your back and say I'm sorry. I want to be with you, too

Get up Yuan Ning, I owe you so much in my life, I don't know how to repay you, repay you.

Finally, I can only choose to quietly quit the piano room, full of tears.

But why, all sincerity has brought such a journey of injury, just like I am here and I am here. How desperate it is to secretly love someone. Who in the end got so many truly loving hearts with constant injuries?

In April, an era of spring blossoms, my poor college life is coming to an end, and Lin Sheng is about to leave school for an internship in Changsha.

The night before Lin Sheng left, I prayed for him with tears, hoping that he could see me for the last time.

We drank a lot of wine in the bar called "Later" behind the school. Lin Sheng is a little drunk. I looked at him with tears in my eyes. He was shocked and suddenly hugged me tightly. He was not as thin and white as a boy when he was a child. He is so tall and has strong arms. He uses so much strength.

My mind suddenly went blank, I couldn't think of anything, I couldn't think of anything, and I couldn't even breathe smoothly and peacefully.

Only when someone you have really loved hugs you will you feel that you can't think, right? If you love someone, you will feel dizzy and suffocated at the moment when happiness suddenly comes. Let the beloved fly with that long-awaited heart.

But this is just my illusion of happiness.

Lin Sheng's beautiful cheek rubbed my earlobe, and he whispered in my ear.

"Bai Teng, I have never been a hard-hearted person, but dear Bai Teng, you are not the girl next door in my memory, the girl who bought my life with her life. Zhou Xiaoyu, who is obsessed with others, has a face so similar to her. "

"Dear Bai Teng, over the years, I have tried my best to laugh at you, indifferent to you, hurt you, and tried to drive you away from me to find my own happiness. But why don't you go? Bai Teng, Zhou Xiaoyu has gone to Changsha. This time, I was the last person to ask her. If I am destined not to be with her, I will come back to find Bai Teng and stay with Bai Teng forever, okay? "

"Very good." I looked up and smiled sadly, even if it was body double, I would like to.

He slowly released his clenched hand, and three words were engraved on a colored stone: Zhou Xiaoyu.

He staggered away, leaving me alone, crying silently in colorful occasions, using only hard liquor as an anesthetic.

However, Lin Sheng never came back.

That night, drunk Lin Sheng, my dear brother Lin Sheng, slipped on his way home and fell into the abandoned artificial lake in the school. When Lin Sheng was rescued, it was too late. He was clutching the colored stone with Zhou Xiao's name engraved on it.

To death, after all, you are just thinking about light rain.

I, on the other hand, have been chasing his rattan painfully, and I haven't even seen Lin Sheng for the last time. When Lin Sheng had an accident, I drank too much white wine and red wine and got so drunk that I gave a middle-aged man with ulterior motives an opportunity. When I woke up from the coma, my clothes were in rags. The wretched man took his mobile phone and said maliciously, "If you dare to report the case, I will make you lose face in this world!" "

I tried my best to bite him, but he shook my hand, gave me a humiliating slap and left.

I stood by the lake where Lin Sheng had an accident for a day and a night. Only by jumping can I wash away the indelible shame. But when the water dispersed, I saw Lin Sheng looking at me in the water and saying, "Bai Teng, you should live well."

Saved by passing classmates, my parents who heard the news accompanied me in front of the hospital bed for ten days.

My mother hugged me and cried all the time. "Bai Teng, you are going to die, and my mother is gone."

However, who knows, many times, living is more painful than dying.

Since then, without the white rattan, the tears of humiliation can only be swallowed, and fate has fallen into the abyss of perdition.

Many nights after Lin Sheng's death, I often heard auditory hallucinations and his sad cries. "Sister Baiteng, I am so cold, I am so cold." He was soaked to the skin, and I wanted to hug him, but as soon as I reached out, he was gone.

But Lin Sheng, you know what? In the world without you, I can only hold my knees tight, curl up in the corner, shivering, and have no happy days.

Lin Sheng, after all, I hurt you.

Lin Sheng, my dear white porcelain child, if there is an afterlife, I don't want to meet you again, lose you or go anywhere with you.

[9] Can you stop wandering?

I returned to my hometown. On the busy street, I suddenly saw Xuan Ning's mother. She is much older and has a boy with wheat skin and knife-shaped eyebrows. He is very much like Yuan Ning who loves me.

She said apologetically, "In fact, the lost Xuan Ning was found after all. I want to inform you that I don't want you to move. "

I was struck by lightning, "but he is nothing like Xuan Ning when I was a child."

"This child looks like me when he was a child, and more like his father when he grows up." She smiled and was full of sweetness.

Where did the beautiful boy like white porcelain go?

I don't want to, gently call the boy, "Yuan Ning, Yuan Ning, is that you?" But his eyes were wide open, as if he no longer knew me.

My hoarse throat suddenly became speechless. How I wish you were Lin Sheng and how I wish you were Yuan Ning. Unfortunately, you are nothing.

I passed Xuan Ning in a busy street, and he left without looking back, as if he didn't know me or forgot me. It's a pity that eighteen years later, we became two intersecting arcs. After meeting again, we separated non-stop.

It turned out that everything was just an illusion left by the unfinished game, but the boy like white porcelain smiled clearly in front of my eyes. We both hold two white rabbit toffee in our hands and peel it in each other's mouth, and we will taste happiness.

Happiness has been bothering us.

Bai Teng, who has been so persistently in love with Lin Sheng, has been looking for the similar faces of Xuan Ning, Lin Sheng and Bai Teng when they grow up, but fate is always like a mystery. It hides the person you love, so that you can never end this hopeless search. Those who hide are left to those who look for them, which is waiting and hurting day and night. Love and life are like a mystery. As long as one side abandons and runs away, the other side is convenient for endless search.

I am a 24-year-old woman with an old heart. I work as a caretaker in a cemetery in the suburbs of this city. Many times I sit in front of a grave and talk to myself for a long time. There are many white vines around the cemetery. They climbed the tombstone of Lin Sheng's cross and stubbornly refused to leave.

A year ago, I had a chance to be happy. Ji came to find me who was wandering. He is a fool, saying that he will marry me no matter what, even if he dies, he will not give up on me.

I smiled and wept, hugging my Yuan Ning tightly. "Yuan Ning, I'm really tired. Bai Teng can finally stop wandering. "

Lin Sheng, Xuan Ning, do you know? Bai Teng is getting married.

The white wedding dress is beautiful.

However, in the afternoon after taking the wedding photos, when we walked out of the photo studio, I met the wretched man who brought me the biggest nightmare in my life. He looked at me with a smile on his face. My lips were bitten and my teeth were almost broken.

Ji Yuanning, I really want to be with you this time.

But the humiliating past finally roared and swallowed me up.

I self-effacing to loosen the hand of the far lemon, "far lemon, I am not qualified to be with you again. Baiteng is no longer pure. "

I told him those terrible things, including that humiliating night. But it never occurred to me that the angry Yuan Ning chose revenge. The poor man was finally pushed down and took away the artificial lake in Lin Sheng.

He smiled happily when the police car roared away. "Goodbye, my dear baiteng. I finally found a way to make you never forget me again. Bai Teng, this time, I really left you. "

After a long time, I passed the photo studio in the town. A beautiful wedding photo, a photo of a suit and tie and a girl wrapped in a pure white wedding dress hung at the door.

Her eyebrows and eyes are so familiar, and like that stubborn vine, she has the delicate face of Jiangnan woman Danqing ink and wash.

It seems like a lifetime ago.

I am at a loss in the vast world, so I can only squat on the busy street and cry at the deep scar on my hand.

This kind of white rattan, which has been wandering and injured, can never find happiness again. What should she do?

Bai Teng, will you stop fooling around?

Editor/blue blossoming