First, evaluate the breakup.
1, understand the breakup. What did each of you contribute to the breakup? Most interpersonal problems will not occur unexpectedly, but will increase with time. Most likely, this is not a one-sided problem, and there are signs that it is coming soon. Please take some time to do some self-reflection before trying to restore your predecessor. Make sure that you don't waste time or energy on useless things.
According to research, the first reason for the breakdown of love relationship is the inability to communicate. If your relationship is happy, you can usually solve this problem by setting clear expectations and openly discussing setbacks before things break out. Other problems may be more difficult to overcome, such as infidelity or jealousy; But even these types of problems can be solved through work and consultation.
2. Recall the person who broke up. Is that you? If so, are you thoughtful or angry, and now you regret it? Did you do it? It's your predecessor. Does he or she have a specific reason? Is this a unanimous decision?
You must know who controlled the breakup and why. If you and your ex are opposed to breaking up, it may be easier to be together than if your ex initiated it first.
3. Explain your emotions. In the pain and confusion of breaking up, it is easy to confuse your emotions and explain loneliness and injury, which is evidence that you need past lives. In fact, almost everyone who has experienced a breakup will regret the lost feelings at first, accompanied by feelings of anxiety, loneliness, depression and loneliness. Usually the more serious this relationship is, the more serious these feelings are. Married or cohabiting couples break up the most seriously, while casual dating couples tend to be more relaxed after breaking up. However, the seriousness of feelings does not automatically mean that you should get back together with your ex.
Try to answer the following questions: Do you miss your ex or have a boyfriend or girlfriend? Does he or she make you feel better, safer and happier in this world? Can you stay with this person for a long time, even when the excitement of love disappears and you fall into daily life, will you imagine yourself? If you just lack the security of dealing with someone and the excitement of building a dramatic relationship with others, then you can find these things in a healthier and more stable relationship with others.
It is important to take some time to check your emotions after breaking up and before trying to get your ex back to her emotions, and to determine whether you really should be with that person. People who rekindle relationships often lack trust and are more likely to cycle intermittently again and again because of repeated collapses. If you are not 100% sure to stay with this person for a long time, please try your best to beat your predecessor instead of chasing him or her to avoid further pain.
Second, spend time alone.
1, avoid contact in the first month after breaking up. If they want to talk, they will call you. If they don't, nothing you say or wear will change. Sometimes, ignoring their predecessors will make them feel that they can move on without their predecessors, which is the opposite feeling they want.
Avoiding contact is more than just passively making your ex miss you. It gives you time to do what you need to prepare for a new relationship (whether it's with your ex-wife or a new person! )。 Take some time to get to know yourself this month and work hard in areas that may make your relationship with your ex-husband decline. If the breakup was caused by you, now is the time to point out the weak links in your interpersonal relationship and take pains to improve them.
This kind of breakup will also help you distinguish the normal sadness after the breakup from the real desire to get back together with your ex. Almost everyone will be sad after breaking up, even if his predecessor is an asshole, he really can't get along. Time will help you sort out these feelings.
2. Focus on yourself. Go out to play with your friends. Investment work and other extracurricular activities. You don't want to look poor, and you don't want to wait for your ex to contact you.
Researchers have found that people who feel healthy after breaking up can recover from relationship-related sadness more quickly.
In the meantime, please don't pursue your predecessor. This means you don't have to call, text or ask around. Most importantly, don't ask your previous questions, that is, why you broke up or did you see anyone he or she met. This is really desperate.
Although it is important not to talk to your ex-wife for a month or so, if he (she) follows you, you can respond. In other words, if you get a call, don't hang up on your predecessor and don't refuse to call. You don't have to try to play thinking games or gain knowledge. Doing so may push him (her) further and run counter to your current goal.
If you hear through the grapevine that your ex is making new friends, please don't jump to conclusions or be jealous. You shouldn't take any measures to break up a new relationship. Let your ex-husband have time to know if you are really that person. You don't want to force someone who really wants to be with others to be with you.
4. Find out whether they are still interested. Before you start trying to win back your ex's heart, you need to know whether he or she still cares about you. The most important clue is to know whether your ex still cares about you, which implies that things can still be saved.
You don't need to look for it right away, and you should never send friends to help you with your research. Don't pursue your predecessor for at least one month after breaking up; On the contrary, when you meet him or her at school or at work, posts on social media or comments from friends take the initiative to look for subtle tips.
Remember, one-third and one-quarter of the married couples living together at present have experienced a breakup, so if your ex is still interested, you are likely to win his or her support.
Third, win back your predecessor.
1, work hard on self-esteem. If you are obsessed with needs, the self-esteem department may be lacking. You may be looking for an ex to make yourself feel better, but the truth is that you are the only one who can do it. You shouldn't base your happiness on others. This will make them feel responsible and eventually dissatisfied with you.
Self-esteem is about believing that you are a valuable person and that you have lived enough. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, it is important that you feel complete and complete as a whole, rather than looking for someone else to perfect you or make your life worthwhile.
In order to improve your self-esteem, please concentrate on your strengths in all aspects: emotional, social, natural skills, appearance and so on. For example, you may have a natural empathy, the ability to make people feel understood, a gift for baking and beautiful hair. Paying attention to the positive factors and ignoring the negative ones can make you feel valuable as a person, especially when you associate your best part with helping others. If you think you are useless, please make yourself useful! Bake with natural empathy and talent, and bake some fresh cookies for your old neighbor.
2. Be the person your ex fell in love with. Try to remember the first time you were together. How much does he or she love you? It's your funny jokes or your amazing sense of fashion. Anyway, try to rekindle the flame in the same way as before.
Your ex attracts you because they feel good about you and you satisfy their emotional needs. How do you change (if any)? Correct bad habits and mistakes (if any). Keep a positive attitude towards them. Smile. Always keep a positive attitude, feel good about yourself and make yourself attractive to others.
3. Improve the appearance. Buy some new clothes, change your hairstyle, go to the gym or get a manicure. Let yourself stand out from the crowd and look brand-new from the memory of your predecessor.
Although you don't want to get back your ex-wife by changing your identity (because eventually they will leave again, because the real you will definitely return at some point), it is always helpful to do your best. Your ex attracted you, and you can try to make it back.
4. Spend time with others. You don't have to sleep with them, but being with another man or woman will let your ex-husband know that you are looking for a relationship in the market again. If they are still interested, they may decide that it is time to step in and stop you from looking elsewhere.
If you are not interested in dating or leading others, please arrange a movie night with them or get together with friends of the opposite sex. Being with a single person may be enough to make your ex jealous.
5. Go out with your ex-wife casually. Do something unconventional, such as drinking with friends or playing miniature golf, including playing golf with others. Make it a friend and something you can do on your first date. Whatever it is, please keep it interesting and skip the serious conversation for a while.
Every relationship should be based on a strong friendship, so it is very important to make sure that your friendship is intact before going to the territory of love.
If your ex is caught in a circle of friends (for example, he/she says "I don't love you anymore"), you can regain the experience of love by establishing a close relationship with your ex. In one study, a researcher asked two strangers to look into each other's eyes and then answered some personal questions (such as "What are you most afraid of?" And "What is your best childhood memory?" )。 They can establish close ties between strangers, create attraction and even produce feelings of love. Try to take some time to look your ex in the eye and ask some profound questions to see if this will help bring your relationship back to intimacy.
Fourth, the discussion of the invitation relationship
1, please ask your predecessor to talk to you. After you become friends, it's time to talk frankly about your history and whether you have a romantic future.
Although texting and chatting on the computer are common ways of communication in established relationships, similar intimate discussions should be conducted in person. Invite your ex-husband to dinner or go to your favorite coffee shop.
2. Take advantage of the benefits that the past has brought you. If your ex really likes one of your clothes, please wear it again. Share your relaxed memories together. Meet in the familiar place where you once met.
If he or she buys you any special jewelry, please consider wearing it when you meet. This will send a very clear message that you still have feelings for him or her.
3. Prepare your words. The first thing you said to your predecessor is very important. If you are wrong, you will lose the chance to save them. You have to understand that even if you are not together, they probably still have strong feelings for you.
There are many ways to talk, but a safe way is to say, "I've always wanted to talk to you about our relationship and see how you are." I'm sorry that things between you have not been solved. Do you have any opinions now? You can talk now.
Let the conversation go naturally. If your ex is doing well and reports that he or she is dating someone else, you may decide not to waste time persuading him or her to get back together. However, if your ex seems to feel the same way, you can gradually increase the possibility of trying again.
4. apologize. Think carefully about what you did or didn't do, which aggravated the breakdown of the relationship to some extent. Clean up the list by apologizing to your predecessor appropriately. Take full responsibility for the crime, don't blame your predecessor, don't give you excuses, and don't expect an apology (or even forgiveness). Your predecessor probably contributed to this situation, but you can't apologize for others. You can only apologize for yourself. Ignore him or her, and you may apologize.
Avoid using the word "but". "I'm sorry, but …" means "I'm not sorry". Besides, don't say "I'm sorry, you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if I offended you". This seems to make you look like you are accusing the other person, rather than really apologizing.
The real apology should be arranged like this: regret, responsibility and remedy. The first step is to show that you are sorry for what you have done. Step two, put the blame on yourself, don't make excuses and don't blame others. The last step is to correct or change your future behavior. For example, "when I interrupted all the time you wanted to be with me, I just wanted to apologize." You must have been ignored. From now on, I will work very hard to make it a reality. I hope to do more things with you so that you don't feel that way anymore. I'm glad you can achieve this goal from my point of view. "
Five, establish a healthy relationship
1, go ahead. Since communication is the primary reason for breaking up, you need to redouble your efforts to ensure that communication lines are always open. When you get together, you need to take time to build expectations, especially in areas that have been problematic before.
Make a game plan to deal with unmet expectations. For example, if you break up with your ex because he spent too much time with friends, please talk openly about how much time is reasonable and how you would negotiate with him if you need more time with friends.
Remember what caused you to break up. Intermittent relationships are often unstable and emotionally unstable. Remembering the reasons for the initial breakup and solving these problems will help prevent the same challenge from happening again.
Step on the place you didn't agree with before. No matter what causes you to break up, it is still a gentle area for both of you. If you are obsessed with jealousy, family problems, control problems or other specific problems, please realize that these problems will still exist when new things gradually dilute your love.
3. treat your relationship as a new one. Please remember that your first love was not successful. Ended in heartbreak. The second time, think of yourself as a new relationship and establish new communication rules.
Take your time. Don't think that you should move on where you left off in your previous relationship. For example, sleeping together and saying "I love you" won't work until you rebuild trust.
Know each other. Especially since you've been together for a while, both you and your ex-husband have changed their personal identities during this time. Don't think that you know nothing about him or her. Take time to get to know each other again.
4. Consider consulting. Especially if you are married, or in a very serious relationship, and want to continue a serious relationship, you may need couples therapy to find out the root of the problems and make sure that you can solve them.
Remember, circular relationships (people who break up and get back together) often lead to higher dissatisfaction rate, lack of trust and ultimate failure, so please be prepared and put more energy into new relationships.
Sixth, decided to move on.
1. Pay attention to the signs that your interpersonal relationship is abnormal. Although you may have strong feelings for this person, sometimes two people don't get along If your relationship is harmful, then you need to move on instead of trying to save your predecessor. There are some signs that your relationship can't be repaired, including:
Any form of abuse. If your ex has ever helped you hurt you, or forced you to have sex or do other things you don't like, then he or she is insulting you, and you shouldn't try to save that person.
Both sides lack respect. If you or your predecessor name names, belittle each other's achievements, or belittle each other's family or friends, then there is no respect in this relationship. These are the characteristics of emotional abusive relationships. Find someone who shows you due respect and promise to respect him or her.
A history of infidelity. Although some relationships may continue to develop because of past infidelity, broken trust is difficult to repair. Even if you can rebuild trust, it is easy to break it again. Relationships that have experienced infidelity may need additional support to repair broken trust in the form of continuous counseling.
2. Listen to your friends and family. Although you may be defensive, people who are close to you and know you well usually know your interpersonal relationship well. If someone you know and trust has a bad feeling about your relationship, you should take it as a sign that you may be in trouble.
If you know that a particular friend or family member doesn't like your ex, please sit down and discuss the reasons. Find out if your friend may know something you don't know, or other meaningful evidence, according to the way your ex treated you or others.
3. Accept the breakup and move on. If the above steps are not suitable for you, and/or you have assessed the situation and think that it is unhealthy or unwise to continue trying to save your ex, please make sure that you take some time to recover from your grief.
According to research, it is important to pay attention to the best aspects of breakup and interpersonal relationships, especially how they help you grow into a person and make you forget negative experiences. One strategy to help you do this is to spend 15 to 30 minutes every day for three days to record the positive aspects of the breakup.
After those three days, please try to let go of this relationship. Give yourself time alone, be with family and friends, and do what you like. In a healthy place, you can start looking for love again.