I have been writing poetry for ten years, and I can tell you responsibly that the ancient rhyme is different from what modern people say. According to modern people, many people rhyme with Chinese Pinyin. Think about it, it's not advisable for the ancients to have no Chinese pinyin. According to the end of Chinese pinyin, it rhymes with ancient poems, so what that person said is not wrong, that is to say, according to the normal judgment of rhyme feet, this poem does not rhyme well. I can tell you a simple way, read the poem by yourself and see if it is fluent. For Chinese Pinyin, I think it is a better way to judge rhyme, and Chinese Pinyin can only be used as an aid! When reading this poem, I always feel a little awkward, don't I?

Since you posted the poem, I will make a comment on your poem. Please forgive me if the comments are not good. First of all, it is very important to choose the conception poem, which directly determines the beauty of ancient poetry. The most important difference between modern poetry and ancient poetry is not rhyme, but the expression of intention. The refined poetry of ancient poetry is very refined, so many words that appear after vernacular Chinese or words with repetitive meanings (except highlighting) are the best. There are too many such vernacular words, which lowers the whole poem to a higher level. These words include "transparency", "crystal clear", "strong pressure", "combination of present and luck", "girl" and "colorful". These words can only make a poem vulgar and reduce its artistic conception and aesthetic feeling. I'll tell you a very simple way to judge these words by yourself. You also mentioned duality in your question. Admittedly, there is no strict requirement for duet in ancient poetry, but it doesn't mean that you can do whatever you want. Just like many people want to write flat poems now, but not all the words can be added, otherwise you will read them around your mouth! So there is no need to deliberately, but the foundation is still necessary, otherwise it will affect the sentence breaking and make natural poems uncomfortable to read. There is something wrong with your poem, even if it is expressed in this way. I don't think any poet in ancient times wrote such words, even a glib peddler selling jewelry might say it casually! Why? Because words lack aesthetic feeling. I think as a poem, the first two poems of this poem can be completely omitted. You mean you have good jewelry, which is very suitable for a girl to make pearls. What do you want to highlight in your poem? Highlighting the beauty of jewelry, girls' intentions seem redundant, making people feel that you are selling jewelry instead of writing poetry. If poetry highlights the beauty of a girl and poor jewelry is not worthy, you will definitely not focus on jewelry, but spend two sentences to describe the girl! So the biggest problem with this poem is not rhyme, but its ambiguity, which makes people unable to understand what you want to express! This must change!

The above is just a personal opinion, please forgive me for the bad places!