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He often sees her suddenly again.

It was a rainy summer afternoon. The room is dark and damp. Long sleep gave him a headache. He stretched out his hand in a trance, trying to get the cup on the ground. Heard the rain in the silence.

He saw her come in through the closed door. As before, I wore baggy jeans, black lace underwear and thick seaweed-like long hair on my back.

She walked around the room quietly, with her usual lazy and depressed expression. Just like when I wake up in the morning, I will see her get up early, wandering around the room, doing nothing. Occasionally, she suffers from insomnia in the middle of the night and walks around the room nervously alone. Sing softly, keep drinking water, or come over and touch his face.

He looked at her. This time, he knew they wouldn't have any words.

Why is my heart lonely when I love?

Sometimes, he will think about this problem.

At the height of the argument, he grabbed her by the hair, dragged her to the bathroom and locked her up.

In the dark and narrow room, she cried out of control and slapped the door hard.

He ignored it and sat on the ground alone watching TV and smoking. Until she was quiet and there was no sound.

The night is always silent. He smelled the faint smell of tobacco in the room, and the sound of sports channel on TV drowned everything.

Her cry faded away. He silently realized that his heart had shrunk into a hard little stone in some kind of pain.

Once, he fell asleep on the floor. It was two o'clock in the morning when I woke up, and I remembered that she was still locked in the bathroom.

When I opened the door, I saw her curled up in the bathtub, which was full of cold water. She smiled when she saw him, and the expression on her face was simple and naive, as if she had forgotten all the grievances.

Lin, I will become a fish. She said softly. In the darkness, he reached out to touch her face. Her skin is cold. But there were no tears.

He silently picked her up. Have sex with her in the dark. Intense, trying to hurt her. Want to sink in her painful breathing.

This moment is the best.

No despair. Not afraid.

He saw her bright eyes in the faint shadow. She sometimes looks up at him as if surprised and strange.

He pressed his lips on her eyelids, sucking warm tears. She spoke softly as if nothing had happened. He said, yes, nothing. There's nothing.

They are two lonely beasts in the dark, devouring each other and seeking escape.

In August that year, he took her to the hospital.

She is wearing a small blue plaid skirt with white embroidered lace and a pair of sandals with thin straps on her bare feet. She 17 years old that year. Shortly after graduating from college, he joined a German company.

While waiting for the test paper, she sat in a chair and quietly looked at the people walking around in the hall. Thick dark hair, slightly transparent skin. A girl who has just grown up is like a pure white flower. Fragile and sweet.

There was a little boy who had just finished the injection and kept crying. She made faces at him to amuse him. The little boy looked at her blankly. She said loudly, if you look at me again, I will kiss you. Giggling.

This is a very hot summer. The operation almost killed her.

I didn't do it that day because the doctor took her temperature and thought she had a fever.

That night, they had another quarrel. It's for a very small thing. She suddenly opened the door and ran out. He said, what are you doing? He followed her into the street. Tears streaming down her face, she stubbornly pushed his hand, stopped a taxi and roared away.

This is the first time she has revealed what scares him in her character. He felt embarrassed and angry in the eyes of passers-by in the street. He didn't fully understand her feelings at that time. He is just tired. Perhaps it is the helplessness and doubt of an unformed life in the depths of exhaustion.

She came back late. There are vertical and horizontal tears on his face. He doesn't know where she has gone. He said, you have to go to the hospital tomorrow. You have a fever again. It pains me that you are running around like this.

Then he said, I must marry you in the future. You should forgive me.

She stood in a small shadow at the door of the room. Smile, with a little contempt. She said, I can forgive you, but who will forgive me?

She tampered with her temperature. Her fever is not serious, just a slight fever. But something happened. When the doctor came out to call his name, he stood among the people waiting outside. In summer, the hot sun shone through the glass, and he couldn't open his eyes at once.

He saw a very cruel scene. There is a lot of sticky blood in a small enamel basin. The deadpan doctor fiddled with a pair of tweezers for a long time, and then coldly said that no villi were found, and there was a possibility of ectopic pregnancy. If you are bleeding, come to the hospital at once. Otherwise your life will be in danger.

She has been dizzy. He carried her out. Her face was pale and her forehead was covered with cold sweat. With her body in his hand, she suddenly lost weight. Like a flower that has lost its moisture and vitality. Suddenly withered and rotten.

He took her and ran around in large and small hospitals. Continue blood tests and do various tests. She followed him silently and obediently suffered all kinds of physical injuries. She has changed from a fragile and sweet girl who has just grown up to a woman with a cold and lazy expression. Strong and obedient.

It was then that she had that kind of smile that made him feel strange. A faint smile that often floats alone. Proud, with a hint of ridicule. But he didn't know whether she despised herself or him.

She told him that she had been dreaming for a week. A man was walking in an empty corridor with a baby in his arms. There are many room doors on both sides of the corridor, but she is tired and cold and doesn't know which door to push open.

There is no place to stay. She smiled softly.

I feel lonely as never before.

That year, his company had an idea and needed to recruit a temporary photography model. Not professional. She is a school girl between 15 and 18. She is one of many girls who come to apply for a job.

Waiting for an interview one by one. He looked through the glass of the window of the construction site, and the girls suddenly saw a handsome man behind the glass, with a dull expression on his face. Then a girl with long hair like satin came out of the crowd, put the cup aside and said to him, we are all thirsty. Do you have mineral water?

That was the first time he saw her. A thin old white cotton skirt. Wear a pair of sports shoes barefoot. Among girls, her looks are not outstanding. But her independence and eccentricity make people at a loss. A pair of bright eyes looked at him calmly without any hesitation.

At that time, she was in high school in a key school. She grew up in her aunt's parents, who divorced and went their separate ways. Only at the beginning of each year, a large sum of money will be remitted from different cities. But she never writes or calls. She said that everyone lives for himself. Maybe we should have no complaints.

Her name is Lan. She told him that she liked her name. Blue. She said, you turn your tongue gently and go back to the beginning. It's like a reincarnation. Very empty.

Occasionally, when he is alone, he will quietly appreciate this pronunciation. But he thinks it's a lonely gesture. Tender and desolate.

She finally lost the election. Maybe the only meaning of participating in this activity is to let them meet. One of the steps to fulfill your destiny. When he invited her to dinner, he brought a big bunch of blue iris. This is a kind of flower with strange wildness. Not too beautiful. But there are scars.

During sex, he realized that this girl might be a wound he was destined to have. Like a person, walking quietly on the road, sunny, but a brick fell from the sky, doomed to disaster. She wore black lace underwear on him, and her long hair was floating around. Strong passion and unrestrained unruly let him suffocate. Our bodies used to seem to belong to one person. He said. His eyes were moist with gratitude. A person can fall in love with another person because of his body or soul. But Plato is a gorgeous masturbation. Physical attachment is direct and strong. More affectionate and colder.

At this time, he thought that the nature of sex was sad.

But because of despair, they put their souls on it.

They soon began to live together. She has always wanted to leave the home where she lives. When she moved to his apartment, she only had a bag of old cotton skirts in her hand.

After graduating from high school, she didn't go to school. He introduced her to a big company as a receptionist through a friend. But after a week at work, I quarreled with my boss. She is too self-centered to be easily assimilated and accepted by the surrounding social environment. After I resigned, I never went to work again.

She went to a radio station to write some manuscripts part-time to earn some money. But she doesn't like doing things in society, but she will do things that others can't accept. For example, taking part in some medical physiological or psychological experiments, he found that the whole person trembled with anger and fear on a large number of money orders he occasionally found in hospitals.

Why did you destroy yourself so much? He said, do you think I don't deserve you and want to punish me? She said, the body is my own, why can't I use it? People like me will not stay in this world for long. Because it doesn't belong in this ugly place.

Only then did he discover the desperate and dark side of her heart. He can't shine on her like the sun. To her, he may be just a part of the world.

She told him that once she went to take an effect test of a new antidepressant. She suddenly had hallucinations.

It's like going back to childhood, walking on a circuitous mountain road, trying to reach the top. The sky is bright red, and big pale clouds are moving fast in the sky. She looked up and felt very calm. I think I can go home.

I also saw myself walking in a wet and dark cave, my feet naked and immersed in cool water. The water is slow and the sound is clear. When she walked out of the hole, she saw a lake. The color of water is purple and blue.

At that time, I'd rather I didn't wake up. She said. I know my soul is far away. But I lost the clue to find it. I have no choice.

He gradually returned to the habit of drinking in bars after work when he was single.

In the bar, listening to depressing music, immersed in the smell of tobacco and coffee, and then seeing the rich and charming face of the young girl. He will feel that he suddenly needs these simple and primitive pleasures. Vulgar, realistic and healthy.

She never calls his cell phone to ask where he is. She has enough freedom for herself and others. Moreover, she enjoys herself and has a withdrawn nature. He could not understand her. Only when making love, in darkness and embrace, can we confirm each other's crazy passion. Know that we love each other deeply. But face to face, the soul is still a stranger. She likes to buy some original CDs with holes, because they are cheap and nice. But those broken CDs often get stuck and suddenly scream.

She is like that music to him. Beautiful and heartbroken, with unpredictable fears.

When she was 20, he was 28. At that time, they separated for the first time for a long time.

Although his parents indulged him, they always hoped that he could leave Holland and marry a well-educated and suitable girl. In their eyes, blue is unhealthy and dangerous. She will destroy you. They said to him.

He is just tired of their frequent quarrels. Two people have been addicted to sex and hostility. The deeper you love, the more you hurt. He sometimes fantasizes about the girl around him, preferring her to be silly and simple, but it can bring him peace. You wouldn't be so tired.

He finally got a kiss under the arrangement of his parents. Perhaps subconsciously, he is looking for a kind of relaxation and relief. We have an appointment to meet in the coffee shop of the hotel. This girl is a senior employee of a big company. Wearing a light purple suit, high heels and the elegant smell of CD perfume. The two men chatted quietly for a while. Girls have a very good upbringing and connotation.

After seeing her home, he didn't go back immediately. In the middle of the night, I walked on an empty street. The cold night wind seems to sober my heart a little. He doesn't know what he needs. Is it a perfect and peaceful marriage, or this kind of ups and downs of intense feelings. But three years later. His heart is worn out, fragile and hard. Blue is a person with no future. She has no future of her own. People around her have no future.

Back home, she was quietly watching TV. She never watches TV, but strangely, she is watching TV tonight. He looked at her and she smiled and waited for him to speak. He found that she was a little different from other girls. She always points directly at people's hearts.

Do you feel happy with me? He said.

I know. She nodded calmly. Your father just called me.

I haven't decided anything yet. He wanted to explain.

You don't have to decide anything. What can you decide? She just smiled faintly and looked at him with a contemptuous smile.

She left him for two years and wandered alone in towns along the railway from south to north.

I didn't call him, I just sent him some postcards with no address. The postmark on it is from different places, and there is no text. She misses him very much, but she has nothing to say. Maybe I can't forgive him.

He saw her travel notes and photos in a travel magazine. She taught in a poor mountain village in Guizhou for half a year and wrote some articles. In the photo, she looks black and thin, wearing old jeans and a white cotton shirt, standing barefoot in the mud, surrounded by several rural children with white teeth and rags.

He carefully wanted to see her face in the photo. Her long hair was braided into two thick twist braids and some pure white wild camellia was inserted. There is no makeup on her face, only a pair of black and bright eyes are still bright and smiling brightly.

There is a familiar saying in the article, she said, I have always wanted to find a way out for my soul. Maybe it's too far to have a home. But I can only go.

At that time, he dated the white-collar girl for a while. Everything went well until they started having sex.

That night, his disappointment and loneliness were beyond words. Girls are beautiful and gentle. But his breath, her skin, her expression are completely strange to him. The darkness is all blue. Blue is wearing black lace underwear and her long hair is floating around. There are many smarter and more beautiful girls in the world, but no one can cater to his needs and stimulate his enjoyment like her. She is like a weak and powerful flower, stretching every petal of her amorous feelings in the dying and blooming passion. Happiness and fear.

He finally realized that he could not escape her control. His body is a thread in her palm, and she can catch him.

He broke up with that girl after a one-night stand. Such a marriage would be terrible. If his body can't stay, his soul will be more helpless.

He buys that travel magazine every month. I see her photos and articles from time to time. She went to Xinjiang, Inner Mongolia and the Northeast. He doesn't know what she does for a living. When she was by his side, she was a girl who had no ability to make a living, and lived by what he gave her. Perhaps for this reason, he also hurt her recklessly, accused her loudly and locked her up when quarreling. I never thought she was a lonely girl. I followed him for three years just because I loved him.

When winter came, he finally received a letter from her. She wrote a short message in Beijing saying that she was ill. Now I live in the home of an old friend in Beijing. I hope he will pick her up.

Due to the long journey and uncertain diet, she is weak, her depression is more serious, and her hallucinations and headaches are getting worse. He took her back to the south. When I was at the airport, it was a thin snowflake. The heavy snow in the north is coming. He held her finger tightly in the noisy waiting room. He said, you can't leave me like this anymore. She said, then you try to control me. He said, I have.

In a jewelry store near the airport, he bought her a tacky red gem ring. I know you don't like this kind of ring, but now I want to control you with this tacky and heavy thing. You should wear it every day. Wait until we get married, and then put on a nice diamond ring.

In the summer of her 22nd birthday, he took her to an island for a holiday and stayed there for a week.

This is the only time they have traveled together. I spent the most peaceful seven days in my life like a fairy family.

This beautiful island is full of bright sunshine everywhere. Large forests, blue sea water, salty hot air and clear sky.

He took many photos of her, watching her running and screaming in the sea, sitting cross-legged on the beach, just chasing her figure and pressing the shutter.

At dusk, I went to a small restaurant in the fishing village to eat seafood and pick all kinds of strange fish and crabs. There are red lanterns hanging at the entrance of the restaurant.

In the evening, watching her put on a white skirt, they walked on the beach in the moonlight and stopped to kiss after a few steps.

Take a long mountain road to the temple in the deep mountain, climb to the rock and pick a wild flower she likes. She likes to put it in her hair.

They went to the temple to apply for a visa that day. She wouldn't let him in. She always comes out with a smile on her face. He said, what kind of sign? She said, the next constellation, the Buddha said that we are destined for love. When he grabbed her hand, he found her fingers cold. He said, I don't believe it.

They had sex in the dark that night. The tide surged outside the window and she suddenly cried. Warm tears streamed down his face. He rubbed her head into his arms and said, it's okay. Trust me.

She said, I saw a big stone in that temple, which said, Let's go to the other side together. Suddenly my heart calmed down, and our destination has been waiting there, separation and death. This is eternity.

But I appreciate it. Appreciate the time that fate has given us. Destined love is ok. As long as we can sink and fall together.

She said, I believe I came to this world to meet you.

Before boarding the boat, she found that she had lost her tacky ring.

This seems to be a bad omen, and his face is a little pale. He said, do you remember where you would put it? She said, I always wear it on my hand. Could it be in a hotel?

He immediately put down his luggage and ran towards the hotel. Yes, it's a tacky ring, and it's not worth much, but I still can't accept its silent disappearance. He felt that he couldn't open his eyes in the scorching sun, and sweat streamed down his face.

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He looked at her face in the sun, and she said quietly, if you lose it, you lose it.

On the boat, she was tired and wanted to sleep. He stretched out his arm and let her lie in his arms. Her face is on his neck. Passers-by looked at them. They should be a very loving couple. Affectionate and plain.

He was awake all the time. He has a strange loneliness in his heart, which makes his heart ache a little.

I don't know how I will live without her.

Time will heal all wounds. Then she will be overwhelmed by time.

He spread out his palm, looked at it, and then picked it up slowly. He thought, then what is time? Is this empty and silent thing in your hand?

She said I had a small brown mole under my left eye. She pointed this out to him. Do you know what this is? This is a tear mole.

This mole didn't exist before.

She told him solemnly that it was because you always made me cry.

She began to become very neurotic. Take a lot of antidepressants every day, insomnia, bad temper.

Once, she asked him if the child they gave birth to five years ago was a boy or a girl. He said it was just an unformed cell. He pushed her face as far as possible. Stay away from me and leave me alone.

Late at night, he found her soaking in the cold water in the bathtub, cutting her hair and being soaked in water. The bathtub was full of dark hair, which shocked him. He said, what are you doing? He went to hug her. She burst into tears. She said, I can't sleep. As soon as I closed my eyes, it appeared again. I do. I don't know where to put it.

He tried to put her to sleep. He began to worry that she would run out. Lock the door before going to work every day and lock her in.

I also took her to see many doctors. She was severely depressed. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. Repeat many times.

His parents talked to him anxiously again. You should break up with Ian as soon as possible. He has no obligation to accompany her all the time.

He said that she has been with me since 17 years old, and it has been almost seven years. I didn't give her any title. But in fact, she is my wife and my daughter. I must take care of her, and I can only take care of her.

In those days, Lan's state has improved, and her mood has not changed much. Cook quietly at home, and then let him accompany her to the park for a walk.

This is a sunny and warm night. She is wearing a white skirt, holding his hand and smiling at the birds flying in the sky.

There is a mother with a lovely little boy who is teaching him to walk. Lan went over to her and said, let me hug him.

She smiled and said to the little boy, "If you look at me again, I will kiss you."

He's looking at her. She is 24 years old. In anyone's eyes, she should still be a young girl. I think I just graduated from college. Dreaming of beautiful love. But only he knows that this girl has been destroyed by him. She is physically and mentally disabled.

He still remembers the afternoon when they first met. Through the transparent floor-to-ceiling glass, there is a row of young girls in the corridor. She came out and said to him, we are all thirsty. Do you have mineral water? He can clearly see her transparent skin and black eyes. She is a fresh bud, pure and sweet.

At that moment, they stood in the palm of fate together. Are two ignorant and quiet chess pieces.

In the manipulated chess game, the chess pieces should not have any complaints.

That night, she smiled and told him that she had hidden something in the temple on the island. The petition also shows that she will not live a second life. She said that if I leave, your life will be normal and you will be happy.

He gagged her to stop her from going on. He said, I am disabled. You don't know. You hurt my feelings and made me completely lose the ability to love someone.

She said quietly, I always hear a voice calling me. It seems to be coming from far away. It called me over.

He said, let's go to more hospitals.

She said, I am not destined to belong to this world. This world is not suitable for my dream. I have no nostalgia for it. I met you and spent two years doing what I like. Go far away, write and teach. I don't want to come here again in the afterlife.

I walked too long, too far. I feel tired.

Seven years.

He didn't take her to company parties, friends parties, or his family.

The things I do most are making love and quarreling. Is the biggest content in their lives.

Gave birth to a deformed child.

I went on a trip once.

I gave her a ring and lost it.

Lan committed suicide due to severe depression.