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Funny version of the script 1: Assassination of Qin: Playing Super Jing Ke Hip-hop Assassination.
xinhuanet
(At dawn, Jing Ke went to the Golden Hall with a large roll of maps. Reporter Qin, reporter Wu and reporter Yang followed closely. The civil and military officials stood still with water, and the mechanical police lined up on both sides. The king of Qin yawned greatly. Zhao Gao gave the order: Take the valve! )
Reporter Qin: What the hell? Someone needs to get up early in the morning. I haven't brushed my teeth yet!
Reporter Dance: According to my experience, we are going to assassinate. After walking for so many days, when did Jing Ke treat us to morning tea?
Reporter Yang: Bring money! I lost money last night, and you said you would pay it back this morning.
Reporter Qin: I can't retreat. There is not even a bubble machine in this hall. How do I wash my card?
Reporter Dance: Since I can't afford the money, I have to continue playing cards. The handicap has been opened, and I bet Jing Ke fails!
Reporter Yang: Don't worry, the dealer must adjust before stabbing. Do you want to win money? Just ask Jing Ke himself. Anyway, Sohu people are doing live broadcasts in it. Let's play cards first, then copy the manuscript online and change it later.
(Jing Ke walks to the front of the main hall and suddenly finds that there is no reporter behind him. Suddenly, he lost confidence and ran back angrily. )
Jing Ke: You didn't call me if you were short of one. What an ingrate!
Zhao Gao: Good morning, friends! Welcome to the world of the king of Qin. Now our king is carrying out the super cause of unifying China and combining six into one, referred to as the Super League! Please help a money field if you have money, but not a crematorium if you have no money. Hey, who is this stranger? Fairy? Monster? thank you
Jing Ke: I came from Yan State to assassinate Jing Ke.
Zhao Gao: I didn't tell you not to answer, the man down there!
Jing Ke: Those are my three assistants. They are fighting the landlord.
Zhao Gao: I didn't tell you not to answer, the man next to the landlord!
Audience A: I'm a fan of Jing Ke. I heard that the king of Qin finally agreed to talk to the assassin today, and he also came to support the Warriors on behalf of the fans. This is our slogan, Luke-!
(Audience A shows a shirt of the Yan Army and writes a few lines in black: Resolutely support Jing Ke's stabbing Qin! ! ! The king of Qin is cruel. Class is over now! ! ! )
Jing Ke: Don't worry, don't worry, take your time. Everyone has a share. Brother in the back, please show that guy! Take two steps, come up and take two steps!
Audience b, audience c, audience d, etc. Under the banner of "rebellion is justified, Qin is not guilty")
Audience A, B, C and D (singing): I live in the Second Ring Road. I didn't recruit anyone, and I didn't provoke anyone ...
Jing Ke: Everyone laughed! These are the Naga people in our village. Please come out today. No other meaning, just to give Jing Ke a support and export. The king of Qin is really outrageous! Each of you represents1100,000 people, which is 4 million!
(Reporter Qin Wuyang rushed up and scanned it with a camera, a video camera and a recording pen. )
Zhao Gao: According to the data of last year's census, there are only 6.5438+0.3 million people in our country.
Jing Ke (slamming Zhao Gao on the head): I didn't tell you not to answer randomly. What's wrong with millions more? Parents will be born sooner or later if they work hard!
(The walls on both sides of the Golden Throne Hall have been plastered with slogans: "If you shoot one, I will shoot one, and you will be criticized for going on strike casually." "God gives everyone the right to brag at will", "Penalty points and fines ruin everything", "One person gets a red card and the whole team is honored" and "Kick, pick and blow hard")
Jing Ke: Qin Wuyang, the atmosphere in this room is very strange! I have an ominous feeling.
Reporter Qin Wuyang: Nonsense! Think with your heel and you will understand that this is the territory of the king of Qin!
Jing Ke: I am Kao! I took you there!
(Above Gao Xuedian, the king of Qin was in a daze, Zhao Gao was turning over the books, and Jing Ke hurried in. )
Zhao Gao: Your Majesty, look out! Yan's assassin has come to the front with a dagger! !
Qin Wang: Xie Te! Are you an assassin without a dagger? Jing Ke, what are you good at besides assassination?
Jing Ke: Go back to the king and dance!
Qin Wang: Come on, let's dance a song and get to know each other. The relationship between the King of Qin and Jing Ke goes back to ancient times, like running water ringing day and night, singing a song or two!
Reporter Qin Wuyang (booing): Don't jump! We came all the way to Xianyang to see how Jing Ke stabbed the king of Qin to death!
Jing Ke: Shette! Only when the map is poor can you see it with a dagger. Now the king of Qin doesn't want to look at the map. what can I do?
(Taizi Dan is holding a nail clipper with a dragon crescent moon blade, humming "Overture to Beat the Tiger Up the Mountain", and his nose and mouth are bleeding. )
Audience A: I am Kao! Come and watch the fairy fight!
Prince Taizi Dan (hugging the king of Qin): I'm just here to pull my leg. Be quiet! Jing Ke, why don't you do it?
Audience B: Off center! Prince Dan, what's your motivation? Revolution is also qualified!
Jing Ke: The map is too long and the dagger is too tight to pull out.
Audience C: Don't stab if you don't want to. There is something wrong with your character. What are you pretending to do?
Zhao Gao: Jing Ke! The king of Qin has given you enough face, at least you are also a member of the Standing Committee!
Audience D: Please get out of the way in front, or you will be covered in blood!
Robocop: Jing Ke, are you going to kill me or not? Kill or not? Kill or not?
(Taizi Dan picks up Jing Ke's fallen atlas and spreads it out for the audience. It says "The Emperor will come to my house by turns next year". )
Taizidan: Mom's revolution in Jing Ke was not complete, so I let him go with a gun for nothing. Look at me! There is a 13 gear here, and the pressure is terrible!
King Qin: Jing Ke stabbed Qin, which is both a bad thing and a good thing! Prince Taizi Dan's attitude is also positive.
Robocop: Your Majesty, look out! He is not holding a map, but a dagger!
Qin Wang: Play with me to spell the rules? Sample! Have you forgotten where I come from?
Zhao Gao (standing in front of Taizi Dan): How to kill a chicken with an ox knife! One person, Lao Zhao, is enough to resist the hordes of six countries.
(Zhao Gao holds a hardcover document in one hand, one is the Constitution of the International Thorn Federation, and the other is "Dare", which knocks down the 13 documents in the hands of Prince Taizi Dan. )
Qin Wang: OK, OK, stop it. Reporter Qin Wuyang is still waiting outside to hear the results. Go back and write a critical letter of more than 2,000 words.
Show me, Sanchao!
Reporter Qin: It turns out that they have settled out of court. Really boring!
Reporter's dance: the arm can't twist the thigh, and it can't stab anyone anyway.
Reporter Yang: Go back to Sohu to copy the manuscript! Next time someone asks me to interview Jing Ke, I'll tell ya, just like Taizi Dan stabbing Qin!
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Script 2
Characters in the play: Qin Wang, Zhao Gao, Li Si, Jing Ke, Meng Jiangnv and samurai.
Venue: Palace Hall
Time: 228 BC
As soon as I got up, I stood and sat in the dark: wind, wind, wind, wind, wind, wind, wind, wind, blow, blow.
I have a headache.
At dawn, the emperor shook his phone and shouted: hello (expression distorted), hello (look at the two people next to him)
Hey! (hysterical)
The other three answered the phone: hello, yes! Hi!
The emperor patted his leg, ie nobody paid attention to it. Others continue to say that I am busy now. The emperor got angry and shouted that he could not go to court.
The two of them are very cheap, and the emperor warrior is still giggling and answering the phone.
Reese kicked it, and the samurai immediately put the knife in his hand, which was very dignified.
Samurai: Yes, there is. . . . Good morning. . . Play without foundation. Back, back, back, towards. . . (coquetry like a girl)
Samurai: Yes, yes, (with gestures) Yes (stuttering)
Li's cell phone rang.
Emperor: Oh, dear! Ya ya ya!
Zhao: A big white face approached the emperor. Does your emperor have a toothache? ()
Emperor: You have a toothache!
Li: The original words are an armchair strategist.
Emperor: I jumped on the stool with an exaggerated surprised expression. What happened again? Wenmi.net, what about the Great Wall of Wan Li that I asked you to build?
The samurai was playing with his mobile phone when Li stepped forward and kicked him.
As soon as the samurai stepped forward, he reported: Report to your Majesty, 400 kilometers were built a month ago.
Emperor: Why 400 kilometers? Didn't I ask you to repair 800 miles?
Samurai: Yes, it's 400 kilometers! (hair diameter)
Emperor: 800 Li! (Shouting childishly)
Samurai: 400 kilometers!
Emperor: 800 Li! ()
Samurai: 400 kilometers!
Zhao: Your Majesty, he is playing you! (Very thief said)
Emperor: Oh! (suddenly enlighted) Come here! (Shouting at the bow and arrow)
Samurai: Ah, no ~ ~ ~
The emperor hurriedly called the contractor to speed up the progress.
Zhao and Li said at the same time: Your Majesty, they owe money.
Emperor: Arrears? Didn't I ask you to send them a prepaid card? Where is the card!
From Zhao Lifa.
Emperor: Really? Are all the photos for you ready?
Zhao Li: No ~ ~
Emperor: Look at you soldiers, one will have a nest.
Zhao: Your Majesty, calm down! I invented a new thing.
Emperor: What is it?
Zhao: This new thing can not only achieve the effect of communication, but also cost nothing!
Two people sing: two little dolls talking on the phone together. Hey, hey, hey, hey, where are you? I'm at the mall.
Emperor: Good thing! What's your name?
Zhao: jargon.
Emperor: Remember your great achievements and mass production at once! Used in military and construction.
The samurai's cell phone rang again.
Emperor: Oh, dear! Ya ya ya.
Zhao: Your Majesty, do you have a toothache again?
Emperor: Go, go!
Samurai: Report now! (original words)
Li: Oh, that's just right. Huh? Isn't that all crying for me? What about that woman?
Samurai: I got it. Please have mercy.
Emperor: Bring that woman to me.
Zhao Li: Take Meng Jiangnv to the temple!
Dae Jang Geum's music+clothes (Korean dance warriors happily followed her to help her hold the veil)
Meng Jiangnv sang: Hula, Hula, Hula, Lala. . . .
At first, the emperor played beautifully with the beat, but suddenly he felt something was wrong and shouted, Stop it!
Samurai: Your Majesty, that's her!
Meng Jiangnv: (suddenly taking out chopsticks from her pocket and tapping the rhythm) Daughter, I have been very kind since I was a child and married a man named Wan Xiliang. Three days ago, we entered the bridal chamber, and my evil deed Wan Lang was arrested to repair the broken wall. I wonder who made a rumor that we should pay tribute to the Great Wall if we want it to last forever. What is your umbrella? Flash? What about the night donkey? Murder? Qian yao Elaine.-Wipe the calf? Lei Kun? Pose? Spying? Depressed? Spying? ㄖㄈㄖㄈㄈㄈㄈㄈㄈ? Spying? Depressed? Spying? Hey? He is the stinking king who is inferior to pigs, dogs, chickens, ducks, toads and cockroaches, stinking king!
(Others craned their necks to the rhythm)
When Meng Jiangnu finished speaking, the samurai suddenly shouted: Good! (suddenly realizing that it's wrong) Well, you bold Meng Jiangnv, how dare you scold the emperor!
Meng: scold me, tyrant tyrant monarch. (making a contemptuous gesture)
Zhao: And swearing!
Li: Come on!
Emperor: Yes! She looked down on me. She is a woman from Meng Jiang. She cried down my Great Wall. She is still so arrogant. (She tells the people next to her, then pulls out the guy, and they pull him at once. ) I, I, I will chop you up! (The emperor is very excited) Li pulls him, but he can't stop.
Samurai: Tell the emperor that Jing Ke, the contractor, asks for an audience!
Emperor: What? Jing Ke, bring it up!
Samurai: Yes!
As soon as Jing Ke came to power, he knelt down on the big board, dyed his hair, wore fashionable clothes and gold ornaments, and was very narcissistic. He sang: Please give me a chance, and don't say that salary doesn't matter! You've been in arrears for so long, do you pay you or not? (Pack your daily necessities, toothbrush and toothpaste, and comb your hair like a triad boss)
Emperor: You. . . . ?
Jing Ke: (in Northeast dialect) I'm telling you, I won't leave today unless I pay the money! (Look at the time with the alarm clock and adjust the time) I'll sleep for a while!
Samurai: (suddenly angry) You are so manly!
Jing Ke: Get out!
Emperor: Ah! (to the two people next to him) Then bend your head and reach for that guy!
The two men stripped off the emperor (the emperor fell down under the chair) and dug up the guy together.
Zhao and Li: Stop him in front of the emperor and take out a kitchen knife and machete.
The emperor got up and said, don't mess around!
Jing Ke: Pay me.
Meng Jiangnv: Give it back to my husband.
(Pause four times. The emperor pretended to be cute in the middle, playing time. Suddenly he realized that something was wrong. Stop. Everyone froze, and the emperor shouted for money. )
(Yangko takes four steps)
Jing Ke: For my husband.
Meng Jiangnv: Give me my money back.
The person next to you sings RAP.
The emperor took the knife from Zhao and Li and took it for himself. He shouted, Get up!
Meng Jiangnv stabbed the emperor coldly, and the emperor asked, What is this?
Meng Jiangnv: Knife is as precious as autumn water.
Emperor: How dare he stab me? Suddenly fell to the ground!
Jing Ke approached the emperor and he died (SHI).
Meng shouted: Ah! Jing Ke stabbed Qin!
Everyone is close to saying that you two will make up two knives and discharge each other. Stand up and hold hands with Jing Ke, stabbing Qin.
Samurai: Ah, he stabbed Qin! And run away.