It is to use homophones or homophones of Chinese characters to replace words with homophones or homophones to produce interesting figures of speech. The following are my carefully prepared homophonic stories and jokes. You can refer to the following!
Homophonic stories and jokes 1 Once I went out to play and stayed with a distant relative for two days. There is a custom that children's urine is the cleanest, so they cook eggs with children's urine, which is said to be very healthy. I dare not eat, but people are very enthusiastic and keep urging me to eat. I have no choice but to say: I don't like eggs. My relatives are cuter. Hey, have some soup.
A face of beauty spots, a mosaic ~ Line (grass) Line (grass) Latin America has become the backyard of the United States, and ceramic men should strive to build small Japan into their own harem ~ Line (grass) ceramic gold dollar sticks are big sticks for the masses, and gold dollar sticks are for public servants ~ Line (grass) comrades should pull a broken back.
Soldiers come to cover water and change careers (grass) and change careers (grass). My mother once went to the bank to pay the water bill. After paying the money, the bank said that you don't have enough money. This is the second page. This should also be handed in. Line feed (grass) My mother: What's the second page? Disconnect (grass) Staff: Sewage is disconnected (grass) My mother: My family never drinks sewage.
Qing Niu Jing declared that "the background" is broken (grass) and broken (grass). Taishang Laojun is my master. A few years ago, the mountain was king in the lower world, and with the help of official relations, it quickly gained a foothold in the local area. Our ability is very strong. We can go to heaven, join the underworld, do business in the light and eat in the dark. I'm not afraid at all: "I tell you, I have a background and it's hard." Even if I eat your master, I don't have to spend a day in prison in heaven. As a result, Monkey Sun tumbled to the top of thirty-three days and went straight to the Palace of Wonderland in the Wind to find my master. He described the history of my previous visit to the Heavenly Palace, and the old man was shocked: "Nobody told me that there was an inspection today?" Then he turned to anger and said, "Do you know the rules? Now, whether it is health inspection or safety inspection (Bagua furnace fire is the focus, there are precedents), we must notify in advance? "Feeding (Grass)" We walked a big circle, and the soldiers and horses spent countless money and food. You asked me if I knew the rules ... "It is estimated that Monkey Sun cried at that time. Seeing his pity, the old gentleman drove Xiangyun to the front of the mountain and drank lightly: "Niu Er, come home with me for dinner. "I left with a bang, just as I came with a bang. I shake my nose ring without taking away a lump of snot. The Monkey King or a fairy, I just won't dump you. Even if I go home for dinner, it's still the same.
Homophonic stories and jokes 2 1. A company manager went to the hospital to visit a very good ceramic friend. The patient "Li Kaiyang Guan Qi" said weakly. The manager wants to help him, but he can't speak Mandarin. Li Kaiyang Guan Qi. The patient said, take your last breath. Later that year, the manager went to Shanghai on business, and he finally understood what Li Kaiyang Guan Qi meant: "Leave the oxygen pipe."
2, mineral water fell in love with convenience, mineral water fell in love with instant noodles, and took the courage to confess to her, but was ruthlessly rejected. Mineral water asked, "Why?" Instant noodles disdain to say, "cut, just you? I am not hot at all, and I still want to soak me! "
Xiao Ming's family has a little hen, which lays eggs in a fixed place every day. Later, it married a rooster. From then on, the place where the little hen laid her eggs was no longer fixed. Being here today and being there tomorrow is completely irregular. Xiao Ming was in a hurry, so he went to ask the little hen why. The little hen said, marry a chicken and follow it.
4, men's funny wedding table, men's funny wedding lines: At the beginning of the new year, everything is new, the spring is bright and colorful, in this place, singing and dancing, flowers are blooming, and Gao Peng is laughing. Somewhere a year ago, an earth-shattering and shocking love story happened in this city. It was handsome, talented and outstanding. Miss Sharla Cheung fell in love with him at first sight. Once they met, they never stopped seeing each other. After sowing in spring, romance in summer, brewing in autumn, and testing in winter, two hearts could no longer restrain the pain of lovesickness in the wind and rain, and decided to join hands, heart to heart, husband and wife singing, Yuanyang playing in water, and tying the knot between flowers. Now I declare the wedding open.
A boss bought a new car, but he was very uneasy about the driver he hired. He is worried that the driver will replace the parts of the new car with the old one to make a profit. He can't drive himself, so he has to ask the driver every move. Once he went out by car, the car slowed down and got up soon. "What's the matter?" The boss asked the driver. "Nothing, sir, I just changed gears." The boss turned to a friend beside him and whispered, "Look, you didn't even talk to me. You changed all the gears. I must give him up. "
6. An old couple went to Burger King for dinner. They carefully divided hamburgers and French fries into two parts. A truck driver felt sorry for this and offered to buy a meal for the old lady. The old man said, "Never mind, we share everything." A few minutes later, the driver saw that the old lady didn't eat a bite and said, "I really want to buy a meal for the old lady." The old man assured him, "She will eat and we will share everything." The driver didn't believe it and said to the old lady earnestly,' Why don't you eat? "The old lady was angry and said," I'm waiting for his false teeth! "
The vet wrote a prescription for our old cat "Tiger". After some hard thinking, my husband came up with a clever way to feed the medicine. This method is to wrap the tiger in a towel first, then the husband grips the package with his knee, forcing the tiger to open his mouth, and finally put the tablets under his tongue. Just when my husband was complacent about his resourcefulness, one of them was careless and couldn't control the tiger and pills. The tiger broke free and jumped to the ground. The tiger sniffed the dropped pill, licked it and ate it!
8. Fortune teller: "This gentleman, I am good at fortune telling. Won't you take a look? " Jellyfish: "Get out!"
9. A young man fell in love with a girl, and finally the girl became his fiancee. Today is the girl's birthday, and the young man wants to give a gift. He came to the shop and saw diamonds and jewels ... but they were too expensive. Suddenly, the young man saw a vase, which was very beautiful. The young man thought it was appropriate to give it to his fiancee. But it's still so expensive ... the young man looked at it for a long time, and finally the manager noticed him. The manage sympathized with his situation. He pointed to a pile of vase fragments by the wall and said, well, I'll have these fragments sent to you, and then let this man enter the door and pretend to fall. On the girl's birthday, young people are very nervous. Sure enough, a guy sent a box and dropped it when he entered the door. All the guests looked at the box and opened it. It was some broken vase fragments, but each piece was a comic book packaged separately.
Homophonic stories and jokes 3 Li Dazhuang is afraid of his wife
Li Dazhuang, a famous scholar in Hebei Province, is very afraid of his wife. If he disobeys his wife's orders, she punishes him for sitting still, making his hair into the shape of a needle and thread plaque, putting a lamp bowl in it, and then lighting the lamp. Li Dazhuang's body did not dare to move or catch his breath, just like a dead wooden head or a clay doll. Friends who saw him punished joked with him and said, you are a lampstand at home.
One day, his wife suddenly fell ill and had to use crows as medicine. At that time, before the snow melted, it was difficult to catch crows with nets. Li Dazhuang didn't get a crow, and his wife was furious and wanted to hit him with a stick. Da Zhuang was afraid, so he stepped on the sand to lure crows with food, and only caught one.
A friend joked about him and said: saints regard phoenix as auspicious. You caught a crow and escaped your wife's beating. This crow seems to be Dark Phoenix.
feng shui
A man was dying, so his son nailed four big copper rings on the side of the coffin. When his son asked him why, he said, in the future, you have to listen to Mr. Feng Shui and move me around, so it will be much easier to move words.
The dog denies it.
Two people sit together. One of them didn't say anything, so he pretended nothing and covered his nose with his sleeve.
There happened to be a dog nearby, so the man said it was a dog who farted. Just then, the dog yawned, and the man said to the man, look, it still refuses to recognize it!
magnificent
There is a plum blossom painting with no inscription. Someone saw it and praised it very well. Someone asked him: Do you know who painted it? He said, Zhang Chang.
Send plaque
A man boasted that he would win the bid and said, I dreamed that a drum band was playing at night and sent a plaque to my house. One of his friends said, I also dream of sending a plaque to your home. The man asked: which four words? The friend replied: What a shame.
Spread the news with a smile.
When a new official takes office, a village head asks to give the new official 100 dogs; I bought ninety-nine, and one is missing. I couldn't buy it, so I sawed off the horn of a sheep and handed it to the dog.
Sheep are ruminants, chewing food constantly in their mouths. Seeing the sheep's mouth moving, the new official asked: Why does the dog's mouth keep moving? The captain replied that the dog was chewing maggots.
Laugh at a fool
Once upon a time, there was a thief who often had money to buy things. A fool envied him very much and once asked him: How could you steal? The thief replied: I am good at stealing for only one reason: whenever I steal other people's property, I will put a branch made of crows and magpies in my hand so that others can't see me. Fools believe what thieves say.
One day, he really went to the crow's nest, holding a branch in his hand, and then went to a family to steal property, and was caught and beaten. When being beaten, the fool also said: I was beaten down by you, and you couldn't see me.
New car
A boss bought a new car, but he was very uneasy about the driver he hired. He is worried that the driver will replace the parts of the new car with the old one to make a profit. He can't drive himself, so he has to ask the driver every move.
Once he went out by car, the car slowed down and got up soon.
"What's the matter?" The boss asked the driver.
"Nothing, sir, I just changed gears."
The boss turned to his friend next to him and whispered, "Look, he didn't even let me change gears. I must give him up. "
Homophonic stories and jokes 4 eat a catty.
The teacher asked Xiaoming to make a sentence with "eat a catty".
Xiao Ming said: I was walking on the road and saw a pile of cow dung. Be startled (by a kilo).
The teacher praised: "Massive, massive ..."
There is only one channel.
The boss of the dormitory has a new girlfriend, who gave him a new walkman. The boss looked at the instructions, fiddled with them and said to himself, "Everything is fine, but there is only one channel!" " ".Old three watched martial arts in the upper bunk and asked," Isn't one enough? "The boss said," I want to have one more channel, so I can connect to the computer. "
4600 yuan for a sexual intercourse
At the beginning of the new semester, several students in my dormitory and I went to the department to pay tuition. A notice was posted at the door of the department office: this year, a unified fee will be imposed, and sexual intercourse will cost 4,600 yuan, and no accommodation fee will be charged.
How much is it to sleep in jiaozi?
One day I went to a restaurant to eat jiaozi with a foreign friend, and a beautiful waitress came to ask.
Friends always miss any chance to practice Chinese and say "Go to sleep (jiaozi)". how much is it?
The young lady was embarrassed and angry. I quickly explained that he was asking jiaozi how much.
Jiaozi served it, and I asked him if he wanted mustard.
He invited another young lady. Is there a "program"?
The young lady said brightly, "Yes, what program do you want?"
"It's yellow ..."
Can you tell me something about Jing Yue?
I took "China Ancient Literature". In my first class, the teacher talked about Confucianism, main figures and representative works, including "Four Books" and "Five Classics". A few minutes before class, the teacher asked the students to ask questions freely. A girl in the front row stood up and asked, "I saw Jing Yue mentioned in some books. Can you tell me what Jing Yue is about? " . There was a burst of laughter in the classroom.
Today is a big day for two students.
When I joined the league at school, it was just me and another girl. When the secretary of our League branch presided over the meeting, he said without hesitation, "Today is a big day for two students …" The rest of the students laughed their heads off.
How much is a night's sleep (bowl) in jiaozi?
Lao Dong, a native of Henan, came to the south for breakfast. As soon as I entered the door, I asked, "Miss, how much is it to sleep (bowl) in jiaozi for one night?"
The waiter was very unhappy and said, "No, only steamed bread."
Old Dong said, "Oh, just touch the bun."
The waiter was so angry that he scolded, "Rogue!" "
Lao Dong was extremely surprised: "Six hairs? Too cheap! "
Trust me if you can. Let me see how long you are.
Once, two girls came to our dormitory to play with tractors. A group of two girls, a group of five elder brothers and me. Girls always stink, but they are lucky. They won a few hands and began to smile. Finally, once it was the fifth person's turn to sit in the village. They showed the hearts as their owners, and I turned them into squares. At this time, I saw the fifth strike the table and said excitedly, "There is a pair at last!" " Drag them out first, and then get it done slowly! "At this moment, a girl persistently said," Don't worry if you have the skill! "! I want to see how long you are! "
Homophonic stories and jokes 5 1. The crab accidentally bumped into the loach when going out for a walk. The loach is very angry: "Are you blind?" The crab is very wronged: "no, I am a crab!" " "
2. In the driving school theory class today, the teacher said, "Anyone who causes a serious traffic accident to escape is forbidden to drive for life." A girl in the back raised her hand and said, "Then I will never get married?"
My girlfriend's name is Zhu Jing. I took my girlfriend back to my hometown in the countryside for the first time. As soon as I came in, I said, Mom, Zhu Jing is here. Mother listened and said: The pig came in and just drove it out!
On his deathbed, Grandpa called his young and ignorant grandson to the bed and said with his last breath, "Son, this world ... is so good to be an official!" " The little grandson is an obedient child, and he firmly remembers grandpa's words before his death. Many years later, he finally became the best coffin manufacturer in the village.
A woman came to a man's house to play, and the woman teased him and said, I will marry you if you have a piece of land. Then the doorbell rang, and the courier brother said, sir, there is a courier for you!
In Chinese class, Xiao Ming didn't listen carefully when the teacher was talking about text analysis. Suddenly, the teacher asked, "Xiao Ming, what does the article 1 to 2 say?" Xiao Ming was stunned and said, "Did the article make a clean break that he broke up with Ma Yili?"
7. Niu Niu and Da Zhuang are playing downstairs. Niu Niu suggested: "Let's play the star!" "Yes, yes!" "You think I'm G.E.M.!" "ok!" In a moment of excitement, Da Zhuang pushed Niu Niu to the ground and rode up. Niu Niu was startled. She groaned and screamed: "Wang Dazhuang, your father, who the fuck told you to ride me as a stool!"
8. The bus I took arrived at the station that day, and the passengers got off in a column. Just as the door was about to close, a lady shouted outside. "I will die in your car! I was so nervous that I immediately closed the door and stepped on the gas pedal, thinking; " There are many strange people in this city. Unexpectedly, the lady called a taxi to chase my bus and finally stopped. The door opened and the lady shouted again. "Why don't you stop? I will die in your car! I asked her in fear, miss, what's bothering you? He angrily walked to a seat, then picked up a bunch of keys and said to me; "I will die in your [key] car! ''
Homophonic stories and jokes 6 1. Ten bamboos and one leaf
There was a poet named Wang in the Northern Song Dynasty. He was very arrogant when he was young. I'm a little ignorant. I always feel capable. One day, he went to a garden to play and saw a bamboo forest. Bamboo is green and looks good. Wang Qi saw it and immediately thought of a joint sentence. I began to write: Ye Feng has a thousand swords; I am so angry. Wang Qi compared drooping bamboo leaves to swords and straight bamboo poles to spears, which is an image. He showed this couplet to his friends, and everyone praised him for his good writing. Wang Qi happily posted couplets on the wall of the house. He also boasted: "If anyone can change a word, I will give him twelve taels of gold for free!" " "How crazy. A few days later, Su Dongpo, a college student, visited him and saw the couplets. He didn't say anything. Pretend to say to Sue, "I wrote these two sentences. Please give me your advice. Su Dongpo smiled and said to Wang Qi, "This couplet is good, but it takes ten bamboos to spell a Ye Er!" ! "Come to think of it, Wang Qi, yes! I wrote Chiba and Wan Gan. There are fewer bamboos in Ye Er, and an average of ten bamboos can grow a piece of Ye Er. What is this called bamboo? Wang Qi's face looks like a big red cloth. She thanked Su Dongpo assiduously and said, "Well said, well said. "From now on, Wang Qi is no longer crazy, she is learning honestly. Since then, he has become a poet with real talent and learning. According to Wei Songqing's Poet Jade Scrap, Volume 11.
2. The Man in Front is wonderful. Prime Minister Kou Zhun was a famous prime minister in the Northern Song Dynasty.
One day, he chatted with several senior officials and wrote a couplet for them to come: underwater day is the sky day; The sun in the water is just the shadow of the sun in the sky. Hearing this, these big officials stared at each other with small eyes, and no one could compare with them. It happened that day that Yang Danian came to see the Prime Minister Kou. Kou Zhun talked with Yang Danian about business and told him the first part just now. Yang Danian stared at Kou Zhun's eyes. After a little thinking, he immediately replied: the person in the eye is the person in front of him. Kou Zhun is talking about the shadow of the sun, and Yang Danian is talking about the figure. When I stand in front of your eyes, your eyes will definitely reflect my figure. This is called "the person in the eyes is the person in front of you". Readers, if you don't believe me, just stare into other people's eyes and try! According to Ouyang Xiu's Record of Returning to the Field, Song Zengmin published Du Xing Magazine.
3. Yang Danian correctly scolded the traitor Yang Danian, became an academician and worked as an assistant minister of the Ministry of Industry in the imperial court.
Yang Danian looks very energetic, especially when his beard is thick and long, which is over his chest. It's really beautiful. It was early in the morning. Yang Danian came out of the palace and happened to meet Ding Weisong. Ding Wei looked at Yang Danian's long beard in the Song Dynasty and joked with him: the worship of Neihan must sweep the floor; Neihan is Hanlin. It means that when you, a bearded academician, kowtow to the emperor [Tiá o zhǒ u], your beard sweeps the floor like a broom. Who is this Ding Wei of the Song Dynasty? This is a big shot! Ding Wei and treacherous court official Wang Qinruo in Song Dynasty pushed out Kou Zhun, the prime minister of Northern Liao Dynasty, and finally he became prime minister and Jin Wengong. Ding Wei and Wang Qinruo in Song Dynasty, as well as three bad guys, were called "Five Ghosts of the Imperial Court". Yang Danian hated GREAT GHOST in Five Ghosts for a long time. Song took a look and replied coldly: "xianggong is sitting in the sky!" "xianggong" refers to Ding Wei, the prime minister of the Song Dynasty: the "curtain" is a big tent. Yang Danian is saying that you, the prime minister, crowd out good people and monopolize the court. You can really dominate the world! When Song Dynasty heard that Yang Danian turned to scold himself, he was very angry. But on second thought, I confessed it myself, and I couldn't be angry, so I had to laugh a few times. According to Song Ouyang Xiu's Return to the Field.
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