I am not a natural narcissist. The editors I have been in contact with all say that my writing is too messy. In fact, I am just a simple animal with a simple mind.

The ten years I want to describe are like a broken bonsai with overgrown branches and leaves that give people a headache. In the end, I chose to start from the beginning, so as to avoid missing anything during the narration. In these cruel ten years, these crazy ten years, nothing is allowed. neglect.

Two

In 1994, I was sixteen years old, with red lips, white teeth, and bright eyes.

Li Xiaojun is sixteen years old, with single eyelids, a high bridge of nose, slender fingers and thin lips.

He is three months, three weeks plus three days younger than me.

The fortune book says that women are three years, or three months, older than men, and they are destined to be entangled. This is the sentence I saw ten years later. It was horrifying.

Li Xiaojun is a typical nerd, taciturn, dull and cold-looking. I have never seen a man whose appearance can be described as cold.

He is my deskmate. My desk is against the wall and close to the window. Every time after class, I have to wait for Li Xiaojun to leave his seat before I can

go out. He is tall. Big, I always bump into him when I pass behind him. This is my unspeakable secret. A sixteen-year-old girl is not willing to have any physical contact with anyone of the opposite sex.

Li Xiaojun is a boy who does not like sports. Except for going to the toilet and doing exercises between classes, he lies on the desk writing and drawing. He is obsessed with solving math problems

It's exciting. . . I was embarrassed to tell Li Xiaojun time and time again to let me go out, so I lay on the window sill and watched the classmates from the next class coming and going in the corridor. From time to time, I chatted with other students as if they were visiting the prison through the window railings. Two

sentences.

Because we were at the same table, Li Xiaojun and I were paired up for almost all activities, which made the sixteen-year-old me extremely angry.

Li Xiaojun’s hands are as white as a little girl’s. He can’t be used as a boy in labor class. When cleaning, I often sweep six groups

before he does it. Group 2, I swore at that time that I would have to ask the teacher to adjust my seat.

At that time, boys and girls were not allowed to talk too much, otherwise there would be rumors of puppy love flying all over the sky.

Li Xiaojun and I have no rumors. Because we rarely talk.

I despise his dullness and clumsiness.

He doesn’t understand my sentimentality.

In the first year of high school, the most common thing we said was: Li Xiaojun, please give up. He would hold up the chess piece

and say: Well, okay.

When I am extremely bored, I will also watch them play chess. When I don't understand, I will ask abruptly: Why does the elephant walk diagonally

? Why can't the horse walk straight?

Li Xiaojun’s opponents always laughed at me for being mentally retarded. I rolled my eyes and said: I don’t understand, why can’t I ask?

Li Xiaojun always explains to me patiently. Gradually I realized how fun chess is.

Gradually, Li Xiaojun’s opponent became me. As soon as the bell rang, Li Xiaojun took out the chess piece from the desk and put it to my ear

Said: Let’s kill a game .

My fascination with chess at that time had reached the point of obsession.

In my memory, during the three years of high school, I spent about a year playing chess with Li Xiaojun against time in my spare time. A story emerged without warning. Li Xiaojun and I, at the age of sixteen, had innocent dreams. He wanted to become a chess master, and I wanted to become a famous writer.

Our hobbies had no overlap at first, but in the end I was dragged into his world, became obsessed with chess, and my dream of literature was thrown out of my mind

This resulted in me Today’s narrative is difficult.

I didn’t ask the teacher to change seats. The deskmate relationship between Li Xiaojun and I actually lasted for two years. Our class teacher was a dull old man

who actually didn’t make any adjustments in two years. My seat.

Li Xiaojun and I still have no rumors - that is impossible.

Because we have to race against time to play chess, there is often a conflict between eating and cleaning at noon every day. If we clean together

, we will definitely have to queue up when we go to eat, so in the end I and I Li Xiaojun agreed that he would pay for the meals, and I even gave him all the meal tickets and asked him to distribute them for me. I was responsible for cleaning and even doing homework. I developed good calligraphy and imitated Li Xiaojun's handwriting to the point where it looked real.

It only takes 15 minutes for each of us to complete our own work, and then we start to form a formation to kill.

At that time, it seemed that I would never be tired.

The direction of the story is often not anticipated at the beginning. Just like Li Xiaojun and I, we are purely chess friends, but we are also rumored to be lovers.

Who asked Li Xiaojun to carry my lunch box? Who told Li Xiaojun and I to make the same homework mistakes? Who made us stay there with our heads touching for the entire noon?

When Li Xiaojun and I were called to the office by the teacher, I didn’t take it seriously.

I stared at my toes, listening to the teacher's earnest words, and listening to Li Xiaojun arguing with the teacher with a blushing face. I felt dizzy and felt

everything around me was spinning and floating.

Until the teacher waved his hand and said: Okay, let’s go.

Li Xiaojun and I walked out of the teaching office and passed through the long corridor quietly, with steady steps and transparent moods.

At the corner, Li Xiaojun laughed out loud and said: It's so funny. Is this considered sexy news?

At the age of seventeen, he was facing the light, and all the hair appeared on his face. I was only one meter away from him, raising my head slightly and looking at him. He looked at me too, smiling and his expression began to stiffen.

My heart was beating fast. On the quiet stairs at noon, he stepped down, gently pinched my fingertips and said: You are so beautiful,

I just like you. .

I ran away like a deer.

That year, that day, and that sunshine were fixed in my life.

Three

In the first year of college, I was tortured by longing until I became inhuman.

The person I love is in faraway Guangzhou. There is a fourteen-hour drive between us, and the round-trip ticket costs 282 yuan.

Li Xiaojun and I agreed to meet once every two months. I would set off from Wuhan on Friday night, arrive in Guangzhou on Saturday morning, and then return to school on Sunday

I would go back to school in the evening and catch up on Monday morning. Go to school. The next time we meet, Xiaojun comes from Guangzhou and then goes back. We went back and forth like this for nearly ten times in two years. In the end, both of us could safely sleep in the crowded and dirty carriage.

Big sleep.

I watched "Zhou Yu's Train" in the cinema last year. I burst into tears while watching it. People around me looked at me in surprise. How did they

know that I had been like this? On the train going back and forth, running happily.

We always had endless things to talk about at that time, as if we wanted to show each other every cell. I went to his school and lived in his dormitory

Female classmates Here, he came to my school and lived in the dormitory of my male classmates. In order to make our classmates happy, we don't know how many smiles we have given and how many things we have done for others.

In the summer vacation of 1998, Li Xiaojun and I decided not to go home. We worked as tutors to earn money in exchange for more time together.

My birthday is August 8th. I was looking for a job during that time and almost forgot about it.

The day before my birthday, I received a large amount of royalties, which could almost sustain my living expenses for three months. I'm so excited

. I decided not to tell Li Xiaojun and went directly to Guangzhou to surprise him.

On the evening of August 7th, I bought the ticket and dialed Xiaojun’s dormitory phone number before getting on the bus. I heard him say hello and hung up.

Just make sure he is there.

All along the way, I was thinking about his expression when I stood at the door of his dormitory early in the morning.

But I didn’t know that at that time, Li Xiaojun was on a train running opposite me, leaning against the window, thinking of giving me a surprise.

I don’t know which section of the journey we were on at the moment we passed each other. But if you see two young figures that day, leaning against the car window, holding their cheeks and smiling happily, they are 19-year-old Li Xiaojun and his girlfriend Shen, who is three months older than him. Yao.

This is our second encounter.

When I arrived at Xiaojun's dormitory, I was told that Xiaojun was looking for me. I collapsed on the ground and wanted to cry without tears.

I went to the reception room to call my dormitory, but no one answered. There was no one in the dormitory during the summer vacation. I just kept fighting and fighting

.

In the end, an impatient voice finally came. Fortunately, I knew that classmate. I asked her if anyone was looking for me this morning.

She said no, and then I heard Li Xiaojun's voice asking about her on the phone. He asked: Classmate, do you know where Shen Yao went?

My classmate laughed and said: **, the movie is not such a coincidence! Just wait, your boyfriend is here.

As soon as Li Xiaojun fed me, I burst into tears. The uncle in the reception room quickly handed me a tissue and I said, Xiaojun, I originally wanted to surprise you. Why did you go to Wuhan? He said today is your birthday and I wanted to come early in the morning. , give you a birthday surprise.

We blamed and regretted on the phone, and finally decided that I would wait for him in Guangzhou and he would take the evening bus back to Guangzhou.

I sat on the steps of Guangzhou Station with a face full of confetti and red eyes, not eating a drop of rice. The power of love is amazing. I

have only one wish, which is to wait here, see him for the first time, throw myself into his arms and cry bitterly.

I just sat there blankly, and there was a constant flow of people around me. All I saw were couples. They were so happy, and they

had so much time to spend together.

At night, a policeman came over and said: Girl, are you picking me up from the station or taking the bus?

I raised my face and said: Pick up the station, K57 from Wuhan to Guangzhou.

He said kindly: You go find a hotel to sleep, it’s so tiring.

I shook my head no, I'm not tired.

He said: Well, girl, there are few people at night and it is dangerous. If you have anything, come to me. I am in the duty room.

I snorted and said thank you, tears streaming down my face again.

I stood on the big stone pier next to the exit, wearing a red skirt and a white top, and I was looking for my Xiaojun in the crowd.

Xiaojun took me down from behind and kissed me in the crowded crowd. Say sorry to me for not spending my 19th birthday with me.

I cried so much that my hands and feet were numb. The tears of grievance seemed to never stop.

He wiped my tears little by little with his cold hands, and in the end we both laughed.

He said that I was like a faucet, tears would fall down as soon as I turned the switch.

Yes, at that time, why did I have so many tears to shed?

Four

In fact, after describing this, I still can’t find a reason for our separation.

Sometimes, love leaves for as little reason as love comes.

In fact, we are separated. In our junior year, we broke up.

Don’t think I’m messing around just for the plot of the story. Who is willing to let it go? Who has the courage to use the years of his life to love as a story?

Told with ups and downs like a story?

Writing this, I want to cry. But there were no more tears. I have said before, without the passion of love, it is like the shriveled breasts of a sixty-year-old woman. No matter how hard you try, you can't feed your child.

My tears ran dry as early as the autumn of 1999.

In December 1998, Xiaojun’s birthday, I went to Guangzhou.

At that time, the money I earned from writing articles for some magazines could already pay for my tuition.

I bought a large package of gifts for Xiaojun, from clothes to socks, from shaving knives to toilet water. The gifts were messy and trivial, but Xiaojun was so happy that he was choked with tears. He knew that all these detailed thoughts were love.

That night, I went to dinner with him and several of his classmates. During the dinner, I found that he and one of his female classmates were running against each other. It was wonderful. The dialogue overlapping revealed that this Xiaojun was something I had never seen before. The Xiaojun I met was gentle, meticulous and affectionate. This poor boy who told jokes was very strange to me.

That girl is a very cheerful and talented girl, and they actually exchanged poems at the dinner table. Oh my god, I have already forgotten the Tang poetry and Song lyrics that I memorized. I think about how knowledgeable I was back then, and Li Xiaojun, when did he become interested in literature? ?

When they memorized "The Hairpin Phoenix" by Lu You and Tang Wan, I stood up and left with a dark face, leaving a table full of people in shock.

Actually, there are some things that I have overlooked.

I love Li Xiaojun to the core of my bones. I will never look at other members of the opposite sex, nor will I allow him to look at anyone else.

I said Xiaojun, you are my world, I only have you, I have nothing else, I will not allow you to leave me unless I die.

I am paranoid, willful, and possessive.

I often call Xiaojun in the middle of the night. As long as his classmates say that he is not here, I can't sleep all night, and the next day I will ask him

endlessly.

The night I left the dinner party, I ran to Guangzhou Station alone to wait for the bus. I was still sitting on the edge of the high steps, leaning my head on the

railing.

I want to sort out the past four years. I lost myself for Li Xiaojun. I asked for everything, and he gave me everything. In the end, I discovered that what he gave was not everything, but I thought it was everything.

I am sensitive and melancholic, with hysteria lurking somewhere deep in my bones.

In Guangzhou in December, the sun is scorching hot during the day, but it is also freezing cold at night.

I was drowsy and fell asleep at Guangzhou Station. In the middle of the night, I was picked up by someone and woke up. I slapped him and found that it was Xiaojun. He just held me like that, letting me beat and kick me, and scolded him uncontrollably. I bit down rows of tooth marks on his white wrist.

He just kept silent and walked quickly while holding me in his arms.

He carried me straight into a hotel room next to Liuhua Station and threw me on the bed. When he turned his head, there was a muffled cry.

The long silence made me feel chest tight.

I threw myself on his back and murmured: Xiaojun, I love you.

He slowly turned around, hugged me, kissed my eyes, my pale cheeks and lips.

Then he wanted me.

This is our first time, and we agreed to save this day until the wedding day, but we didn't.

Everything happens naturally, we are raw, trembling, scared, excited and crazy.

We spent the night again and again, shedding blood, tears and sweat.

At dawn, Xiaojun held my hand and quietly slipped downstairs from the hotel attendant. We stole the sheet, which had the purity of my virginity on it.

Blood red.

五

In the summer of 1999, I went to Guangzhou to find an employer for my internship. I began to prepare to sleep with Xiaojun a year later

A flying life.

After that night, we never went too far, and we made a ridiculous agreement to save the second time until the wedding night. When we

said this, we had a divine expression on our faces, and it seemed true at the time.

I was very frustrated during my time in Guangzhou. I didn’t expect that it would be so difficult to find a job in Guangzhou. Part-time workers usually need to be able to speak Cantonese, but I

can’t, I can speak fluently. He speaks Mandarin and the vicious Wuhan dialect, but he doesn’t know Cantonese.

I stayed in the small house Xiaojun rented for me all day long in a daze. By that time, Xiaojun already spoke standard Cantonese. When he answered the phone

I just looked at him stupidly, as if listening to the song of a bird.

I often leaned over to hear whether it was a man or a woman. At first, he pushed me away with a smile, but then several times, he obviously pushed me hard.

Xiaojun and I would sometimes squeeze into the single bed. We hugged each other tightly and struggled to resist our desire. Finally, I told Xiaojun not to come.

Xiao Jun nodded, kissed my forehead and said: Anyway, I will hold you in my arms until death in this life. It will be three years or two years later, but I can persist

I cried again, my tears dripping wetly on Xiaojun’s shirt.

The days in Guangzhou were the sweetest days of our decade.

Every day after get off work, Xiaojun comes back with three or two green vegetables and some cooked food, wearing an apron to cook for me, I look behind him

He is tall and big The busy figure makes me want to cry. I wouldn't eat when I cried, and he would bang the rice bowl and sing: "That person is iron" He handed over the food, we looked at each other with red eyes

, devoured the food, and then kissed. I was obsessed with his lips, and he was obsessed with my eyes and my neck

. Sometimes when we were walking, I would stop and say to him: Xiaojun, I miss you, and he would hug me and kiss my eyelashes.

Cracks also appeared during this period.

I have never found a job. I have ambitions and self-righteous talents, but there is no place to display them. I have been in Guangzhou for almost a month.

I'm a very conceited woman, and I can't stand this kind of leisure, this feeling of being without any help.

I can't stand this kind of leisure. Xiaojun told me that he could support me if nothing happened. He was an intern at Motorola and was quite popular. His colleagues often invited him to parties.

Every time we have a gathering, he always asks Yao if we can go together.

I lowered my head and said nothing. I didn’t want to see other people wearing champagne and champagne while I was disgraced.

I am not only conceited but also self-respecting.

Xiaojun gradually stopped asking for my opinion and just left a message on my pager telling me that he had a party and would not be back.

On several occasions, Xiaojun came back very late, smelling of alcohol. Lying next to me and sleeping soundly, he didn't know that I wasn't sleeping at all.

That day he came back at one o'clock in the middle of the night. I was lying there in a dull mood. He opened the door softly and took his pajamas to take a shower. I turned over and took the shirt he had changed.

Unexpectedly, There was a smell of perfume. My heart suddenly felt like it fell into an ice cellar. I sat in the dark room, my mind was blank, and I stared blankly at the bright moon outside the window.

Xiaojun came out of the bathroom and went to the bed in the dark. Maybe he didn’t touch me, so he softly called Shen Yao, “I’m in the dark corner of the sofa”

Silently, He asked Shen Yao again to stop making trouble. The room is dark. Just be careful when tripping. He went to touch the light rope. At that time, I got used to the darkness. I saw his figure moving. I stood up and ran. I went over and pushed him hard, but he failed to stop and fell to the ground

.

He thought I was joking with him, so he got up with a smile and turned on the light. When he saw me standing in the middle of the room with unkempt hair, tears gushed out

out of my eyes.

He looked at me blankly and said, "What's wrong with you, Shen Yao?"

I pointed at his nose and said: Li Xiaojun, you bastard!

He came over and wanted to pick me up, but I kicked him over, but he fell to the ground. He said, "What's wrong with you, Yaoyao?"

I stood up and pounced on him like a she-wolf. I scratched him and bit him, but he stood still and let me vent. Until the end, I finally got tired and fell on the bed and fell into a deep sleep.

When I woke up again, I saw Xiaojun standing in front of the window smoking, the cigarette butts flickering in the dark night.

I just lay on my side and looked at his back.

My eyes were dazzled, and he just stood there motionless, lighting up one cigarette after another.

The sky was getting whiter and I was tired of looking at him, but he was still standing there. I called him softly: Xiaojun.

He seemed to turn around, but fell to the ground with a plop. I jumped out of bed, rushed to hug him, and screamed. I dragged him to the bed. My heart almost stopped beating. Xiaojun, my Xiaojun, what happened to him?

I looked for the phone tremblingly. I didn’t know what number to dial. I shook him and kissed him, but he didn’t even wake up. I paralyzed beside the bed and cried in despair.

I thought Xiaojun was dead.

I just kept crying and crying until my throat was dumb and there were no more tears. I found Xiaojun slowly opened his eyes and he

touched my face. Question: Shen Yao, what’s wrong with you? Why are you crying?

I said hoarsely: Xiaojun, I thought you were dead.

Xiaojun smiled tiredly: I'm just tired, I just want to sleep.

I climbed onto the bed, got into Xiaojun's arms, and wrapped myself around him like a snake. He patted my shoulder and gradually fell asleep again.

That time, we slept in that small bed for two days and one night. We were tired beyond endurance.

I often think that the day I slept the most in my life was that day.

Six

When narrating, I often fall into the situation at that time and stop writing. I began to feel sorry for the person I was back then. I was like a lost little beast. I stumbled and I was extremely uneasy. I had such a nightmare: I was chased by a gangster. I ran and ran

only to find that There was a cliff in front of me, and I only hesitated for a second before jumping off. As a result, I woke up with a start. I was still in Xiaojun's arms. I

often burst into tears in the middle of the night. I'm afraid of the feeling of running alone. If someone can hold my hand, I will feel safe.

Xiao Jun said that I am like a sharp weapon. It is only as long as it is not unsheathed. Once it is unsheathed, it will hurt people.

When he said this, he looked at me bitterly. He hates my irritability as much as he loves my affection. There is much love and much hate.

I had more and more fights with him, and my love suffocated him.

I am like a madman, I want more and more.

We quarreled again and again, and fell asleep hugging each other again and again.

The summer vacation passed quickly. Xiaojun sent me to the train station without saying a word.

I stood on the platform and pulled Xiaojun’s hand to please him. He held my hand and held it carelessly. I could feel that he was unwilling to be with me

I held hands. I always change my face in a second, and my temper comes without any reason. In the end, he was scared.

He stopped talking to me and just cooked and washed my meals silently. No man is willing to continue living in this kind of life, but,

I didn’t understand until today that it was completely too late.

On August 30, 1999, Li Xiaojun celebrated my 21st birthday, and then told me at Guangzhou Station that we were not suitable

We had to They hurt each other till their bodies were completely broken.

I said nothing and looked at Li Xiaojun calmly. This scene has appeared in my dreams countless times and woke me up. Today, it finally became a reality and became something I can touch. The helplessness and pain.

At that time, Li Xiaojun was carrying my luggage on his shoulders and a large bag of fruits he bought for me in his hand.

I suddenly felt ridiculous. Li Xiaojun is still doing my boyfriend's duty like a camel, but how could he

talk about the breakup? , he should at least have a bad attitude and a decisive expression, but he looked at me gently,

and looked at me lovingly, as if he was in more pain than I was. I finally couldn't hold it back anymore, I laughed until I rolled over holding my stomach.

Li Xiaojun put his luggage on the ground and said: Shen Yao, don't do this again, I'm tired of seeing it.

I stood up, put my luggage on my shoulders bit by bit, hugged the fruit bag to my chest, and strode into the car without looking back

.

I just sat in the sleeper car with my luggage in my arms, staring blankly like a fool.

I jumped off the train one minute before it left. All my luggage was left in the car, so I carried a slanted backpack and looked for Li Xiaojun in the crowd. In the end, I leaned on the overpass of Guangzhou Station in despair. It was already dark. Thoroughly. I staggered step by step to the station exit where I had waited for him, and I saw him as a matter of course. He was squatting by the stone pier. He was smoking hard.

I stood one meter away from him, waiting for him to raise his head. When my feet were numb, he didn’t raise his head either. I could clearly see the cigarette butt burning his head.

hand.

When I was about to faint, he finally stood up, dusted himself off, and then saw me. He walked up to me and stretched out his hand to hold me. Dragging him, he walked away with his eyes closed.

He dragged me to the side of the road to catch a ride, and I asked him: Where do you want to take me?

He remained silent, and I said: Xiaojun, I have to leave tomorrow. I want to go back to Wuhan. I just want to spend my last night with you.

Go on. I don't want your pity. don't want.

As I spoke, I became hysterical. I waved my arms and said loudly: I will not rely on you, and I didn’t jump off the train just to rely on you.

Then I cried hopelessly, and I said in a low voice: I just forgot the feeling of you holding me to sleep.

He hugged me, breathing heavily and crying: Yaoyao, Yaoyao, I love you. I love you.

He almost carried me back to our small room with me in his arm. The room was empty.

Only the mattress was left on the bed. He pushed me down on the bed and kissed me like hell. I felt like I was going to vomit from the kiss.

I don’t have that many tears anymore. A person’s tears really have a certain capacity, and they will all drain out one day.

He held me in his arms and kissed me inch by inch, crying and wanting me like a child. Tears fell down my chest

I can still feel the hotness of those tears after so many years.

We are familiar with each other’s bodies, as if we have a natural harmony. I saw enchanting flowers blooming on the roof, blooming sonorously

My nails scratched Xiaojun's back until there were bloody stains.

We desperately want each other, leaving the last passion of my life on the bare mattress.

The next day, I went to the airport calmly and took the earliest flight back to Wuhan. It was my first time flying, and I decided

never do it again in my life. Then go to Guangzhou Railway Station. At that time, Li Xiaojun was sleeping soundly on the mattress in the rental house, his arms spread out habitually, as if I was still in his arms.

Seven

After writing this, I showed this experience to a friend. He didn’t say anything. He held the printed copy and cried while reading it. He said: Those years

, sorry for you.

I laughed and told him that the bitterness has just begun. The days with Xiaojun by my side are still sweet no matter how bitter they are. I brought it upon myself, and I murdered my lover with a rope called love.

When I returned to Wuhan, I threw away my pager. Moved dormitory.

Xiaojun called, but I didn’t answer. I asked my classmates to tell him that I dropped out of school.

Xiaojun did not come to Wuhan to see me. I understand that he is tired and tired of my willfulness. I miss him, but I deliberately let myself forget about him. He is tired of me, and I am so proud that I will not go to him shamelessly. Won't.

Twenty days passed and I suffered from severe insomnia and a long series of blisters on my mouth. I barely ate. I began to resent him.

That morning, I finally couldn't get out of bed. I lay on the bed in the dormitory, feeling like I was going to die.

I struggled to get up and cook a bowl of instant noodles. After tearing open the package, I felt like vomiting. The smell of instant noodles was unbearable.

I carried my lunch box to the ** to buy food. As soon as I entered the ** gate, I felt like vomiting again.

I turned back and bought a bowl of jelly outside the school gate, put a lot of chili peppers in it, squatted on the roadside and wolfed it down

and finished it.

When I returned to the dormitory, the food I just ate came up. I ran to the bathroom and vomited out everything I had eaten.

I straightened up and stood by the faucet, wondering, am I suffering from anorexia?

I went to the hospital and was told I was pregnant.

When I walked out of the hospital, my feet could not find the ground. I almost floated back to the dormitory.

There is a life in my body, which makes me scared and sad.

I never thought that I would become a mother at the age of twenty-one.

I am still a child, and I don’t feel safe if I don’t cling to someone else’s chest for a day.

I vomit almost every morning, and my body is so thin. The students gradually. . .

When I was hesitating whether to have this child, the child had become more and more stubborn in my body.

After a sleepless night struggle, I decided to keep this child. My love for Li Xiaojun turned into extreme resentment towards him

I want to give birth to this child. I need to take my children to him and ask him why he is willing to let me feel sad.

I became a complete madman, and my child became my tool to torture him. I have imagined countless times that I would stand in front of him with a child whose face looks exactly like his, and tell him with a smile that this is your child, and then look at his painful expression, and I will laugh fiercely< /p>

’s smile.

Since October 1999, I have become an unsheathed sword.

I contacted a well-known beer group in Shenzhen as quickly as possible, and then wrote an application to the school to apply for internship in advance. On October 10th, I stood on the streets of Shenzhen. The place I worked at was a large seafood store, and I became a beer promoter.

I wear baggy clothes. I want to earn a sum of money in the shortest possible time. Then I can leave here before my belly gets bigger and find a quiet place to wait.

childbirth.

Shenzhen is a two-hour drive from Guangzhou. I work hard at a place two hours’ drive from Xiaojun, even smiling charmingly at

the guests. Ambiguous joke, I clutched every penny in my hands like a complete bitch.

I also had to endure the severe reaction of early pregnancy. I went to the bathroom to vomit every ten minutes.

I can’t see anything yellow, I will vomit when I see it.

It’s hard for me to describe that feeling in words. As I said, I’m not a person of narration. Now I feel that narration is getting more and more difficult.

Because there is no adjective that can express me. My mood at that time was that I was angry and aggrieved, but I also had the natural compassion of a woman.

I felt more and more sorry for the life in my belly. In the end, I thought, I will find a father for him. Let him see a broad shoulder at a glance when he is born. I was in a daze just thinking about it.

At that time, I no longer shed tears.

I gave my children many names, such as Shen Ke, Shen Tian, ??and Shen Zhao. Like a real young mother, I went to the bookstore to check

Instructions for pregnant women. I no longer stay up late, and I drink a lot of nutritious soup, but I just can’t gain weight. The baby is now four months old in a blink of an eye

My belly is still flat, and everyone in the company still treats me as young. I was carrying twelve bottles of beer back and forth all by myself, and no one knew that I couldn't even straighten my waist.

On December 25, 1999, I fell down the stairs of the Shenzhen Carnival Seafood City, and my blood flowed down the high walking stairs

and meandered. Like my youth.

My child is gone.

That little life, the only imprint that my youth left on my body and skin, died with just one fall.

I thought of the large empty operating room, the high delivery bed behind the blue screen, and the cold instruments stirring inside my body.

I bit my lip tightly. , the gynecologist, who was about fifty, looked at me lovingly and said: My child, please scream, if it hurts, just scream. I didn't scream, but my lips began to bleed. The doctor wiped my sweat, and finally she said: It's a pity, it's a boy.

It's almost five months old. If it hadn't been for a fall, there would be no need to remove it.

While packing the equipment, she said: Do you want to take a look?

I shook my head desperately and then passed out.

As I write this, I am lying on the desk as if exhausted, with no strength at all.

My heartache for that Shen Yao is getting stronger and stronger. I don’t even think that was me five years ago. I want to stretch my arms to the person I was in 1999

In winter, give Shen Yao a warm hug and let her sleep sweetly in my arms.

How did I get here? How did I bury the past? Or am I really just writing a story with false blood flowing through it?

But I clearly saw the weak Shen Yao walking out of the hospital door, carrying simple luggage in her hands. She saw a group of people playing chess at the entrance of the hospital. She leaned over to watch, just like five years ago, during the break in high school, she watched Li Xiaojun play with others

< p>Chess, she squatted on the roadside, solved a chess game, and won fifty yuan. She held the fifty yuan and thought: Xiaojun, what are you hiding in my life?

How much? I'm actually still making money with the skills you gave me!

When I returned to the dormitory, I realized that everyone in the hotel had heard about my pregnancy out of wedlock, and I was expelled. I pack my bags with my head high in the eyes of others, and I can't stay any longer.

I took out all the money in my passbook, went to Guangzhou Railway Station, bought the ticket, called my good friend Mantou and asked her to come to Wuhan to pick me up, and then I only had 2 yuan left in my hand, and I was so hungry that I bought a piece of cantaloupe stuck on a bamboo skewer.

I stood in Guangzhou Station with disheveled hair like a migrant worker, my Guangzhou, my Guangzhou Station, all my sad past events are there

Guangzhou Station.

While I was thinking about something, my cantaloupe was snatched away by a beggar. habit. I got on the train hungry and slept the whole way.

Me