1. The groom is anxiously waiting for the bride in the auditorium. After a long time, the girl in the wedding dress finally arrived in a hurry. The groom looked stunned: "Who are you? Where is my bride? " The girl said apologetically, "She drank too much. I got married on her behalf."
2. Please don't take the black surname Wang! My surname is Wang, and now my buddies around me are protecting me like thieves! Sleeping with my sister-in-law now is like cheating!
The goddess invited me to her house to play, and I was so happy. We played until the evening, and I watched her fall asleep quietly. Red face, blown skin, scarlet lips. Ha ha ha ha, my goal is coming true. I wiped the saliva from my mouth. I opened the refrigerator door of her house without hesitation and had a good time.
4. Liu Xiang released Weibo. The photo is of his girlfriend and hurdler, with the caption: I love her and her most! User 1 god's comment: cross during the day and cross her at night! User 2 comments: It's also 12 seconds 88 ... This is a damn thing! ! !
Today, I told my deskmate that dogs can distinguish 500 different smells with their noses. Then she thought thoughtfully for a while and turned to ask me: Then why does it eat shit? Shit, I'm speechless!
6. My daughter-in-law lies quietly in my arms and asks: I have been married for more than a year. What are my shortcomings? I sincerely said: only one person has a little temper ... "What! Where did you say my temper exploded? "
7. When I was taking a nap at noon, I vaguely felt my five-year-old son covering me with a quilt. Just when I was particularly moved, I saw my son covered with a quilt from beginning to end and whispered, "Rest in peace!" "
8. The robbery we used to know was "I planted this tree on this road, but I planted it. If you want to pass by, stay and buy the toll! " Now the times have changed: 500 meters in front of the toll booth, please slow down!
9. I'm a little nervous about attending a parent-teacher conference for the first time today. Other parents are chatting, and I am the only one sitting silently. After a while, a big brother next to me couldn't help asking me, "Miss Wang, didn't you want us to have a meeting?"
10, introverted and shy, always blushes when talking to girls. Blind date, after sitting down, I lowered my head and dared not speak. The girl looked at me and asked, "How old are you?" My face turns red when I brush it. The girl blushed when she saw me blush, and then stood up and called me "rogue!" " "Turn around and leave.
1 1. Aunt Li, a retired worker, took the bus and someone gave up her seat when she got on the bus. She sat down, stood up again and offered her seat to a child. Someone offered her seat at once, and the aunt did not hesitate to let an older man sit down. Everyone cast their eyes and offered their seats in succession. Aunt said it was not easy for office workers, so she put two tired young people, a man and a woman, in their seats and finally settled down. In this way, Aunt Li's family of five found seats.
12, I accidentally saw a condom in my son's wallet of 17 years old today. I said, "Come here, you son of a bitch! Why do you still have condoms in your wallet? " The son casually said, "Oh, I don't want it anymore." I paused, and then "don't you dare!"
13 One day, Lao Wang rode a motorcycle across a bridge and saw a beggar dig a brick on the bridge and put money in it. The next day, he passed by again, and the beggar dug bricks and stuffed money, thinking that it must be the place where the beggar hid the money. When I got off the motorcycle, I found a brick under the bridge. I looked at the ten dollars in it and attached a note. "I'll leave you ten dollars for a taxi, and I'll ride the motorcycle away." I looked up and saw a beggar riding a motorcycle … and left.
14, I heard two diaosi chatting on the bus today, saying that even if you buy a 4.7-inch iphone6, in some people's eyes, you are still a diaosi because you can't afford a 5.5-inch iphone6 by default.
15. On the draft stage, the player turned over 10 backflips in succession, and the judges quickly stopped him: this is a music competition, not a martial arts competition. Why do you do so many somersaults? The contestants said, uh ... because it's a cover.
16. When someone says "Hello Niang" to you, how to respond tactfully? "Hello, son."
17, I went to the drugstore to buy cold medicine today. A sister came and said, "Does the boss regret medicine?" The boss said, "Yes, which one do you want for ten yuan and twenty-five yuan?" She said, "Twenty-five dollars is a one-time solution." My sister bought the medicine and left. I couldn't help asking my boss, "What is the regret medicine?" The boss said, "Birth control pills!"
18, I found a new job, and I am very happy to post in the circle of friends: I found a new job today, come on! Then a friend replied to me early the next morning: pay attention to safety at the gas station!
19. Just now, I was discussing Wang Quanan's whoring with my girlfriend. I said, "In this world, good women are always treated as dogs." The girlfriend asked, "Am I a good woman?" I'm speechless. ...
20. A pony is crossing the river. The old buffalo saw it and said to him, "Don't be afraid, the water is very shallow, only up to my knees." The little squirrel immediately ran over and shouted, "Don't trust him! The water was deep and my friend drowned. " Pony didn't know who to listen to, and his mother next to him told him, "Son, don't pay attention to those two psychopaths, let's take the bridge."
2 1, my brother is five years younger than me. It is strange that he always only eats duck meat, but he is forced not to eat chicken. When he was seven or eight years old, my mother asked him, "Why do you only eat duck and not chicken?" My brother said, "Chickens don't bathe all day. They are too dirty to eat. " Ducks are all in the water, take a bath every day! "
22. I am pregnant Once I played with my husband, I pushed him under my stomach. Then the goods said anxiously, "Have you ever seen a hen fight with an egg?" Me: ...
Today, lz accidentally hit a red Liu Ma car while driving. The owner of the other car was a little girl who jumped down with her mobile phone. I quickly went forward to apologize and kept saying. She gave me a white look and then took a lovely photo of her mobile phone. I also have to write that I had a little car accident today. She thinks it's cute. After that, she drove away … leaving the landlord confused for several minutes!
I had a quarrel with my daughter yesterday. She slammed the door when she was angry and didn't go home until today. Considering that many girls have disappeared recently, I am worried about her. My wife comforted me and said, "Don't worry, I just sent someone to find you. She will be back soon." While speaking, I saw my daughter holding a piece of paper in her hand and angrily pushed the door open: "Mom, what do you mean? I don't have 1 10 kg! I am only 98! "
25, the conscription work is over, and the troops are sent today. One by one hugged and cried, and the scene burst into tears. A young man said to his father with tears in his eyes, "Dad, you should take care of yourself and don't worry about me. Also, I asked my neighbor who borrowed 2000 yuan the other day. Remember to help me return it. " His father paused and swore: Fuck you, get out of here and pay it back when you come back.
26. Today, the company has a new employee. At lunch, I said to the tour leader: There is a new frustration today. There is only one word wrong with your name! Let him treat us to dinner after work today! The team leader said with a black face: Get out! That's my cousin!
27. I have a three-year-old daughter. At 9 o'clock in the evening, the child has gone to bed. My daughter-in-law is sitting on the bed wearing a mask. I am playing a game. When the daughter woke up, the daughter-in-law bowed her head to coax her. Suddenly, my daughter let out a cry, slapped her daughter-in-law, and cried, Dad, there is a ghost. ...
28. My wife is an idiot. Once she went to wash her hair, and she went first. I bought cigarettes and went in. After going in, she began to wash. As soon as I lay down, my second-rate wife said, "Handsome boy, come and wash your hair!" " ""well. ""I forgot my money. Please give it to me and I'll go with you later. "I said nothing. My wife has been sitting next to me since she took a shower. I gave the money together when I finished. Then my wife took me away, leaving everyone in the barber shop stunned.
29. Yesterday, I revisited the Dragon Eight Branches. If you ask who is the best, you will say Qiao Feng, Xu Zhu and sweeping monk. I think it's a paragraph. He played with five women, and five women still loved him for life. He is an absolute idol!
30. Just now, just now! Picking up the courier, because it was a small piece, the courier buddy couldn't find my package for a long time, so he turned to me and asked, "What are you?" I paused for three seconds and said, "I am alone ..."
Editor's note: Recently, Bao Gong received a very difficult case. The informant said that when walking at night, he always saw a headless monster wandering in the street, which was terrible. Bao Gong thought for a moment and said, "I often patrol the streets at night. Why haven't I seen it? "
Laugh at a dirty joke
Lead: Last night, the head of the dormitory asked his girlfriend to sing. She sang, "You asked me how much I love you, and I love you a little." Just listen to the phone: "not too deep, five centimeters, it feels like an embroidery needle." The dormitory was quiet all night.
1, I have an ex-boyfriend who broke up for three years, but I still can't forget him. I remember when we just broke up, I also gave him a bike I modified as a parting gift. A few days ago, I heard from my friend that he fell off his bike three years ago and is still in hospital. I can't control myself at all. I rushed to his bed, took his hand and said excitedly to him:
When your girlfriend calls your full name on your mobile phone, remember, don't worry about anything, run, run quickly and never look back.
The happiest thing every day is to watch my wife pat her face with lotion in the morning. That's so cool. While listening, I said to myself, "I told you to wash my socks, let me pick up the children, tell you not to let me drink, tell you not to let me play games, fight, fight, and fight for me!"
Husband: Honey, what do you want to say when we get married today? Wife: I'm so glad that I chose you to accompany me all my life. Husband: Hey, don't mention unhappy things on today's big day! …
When I come to a new company, I always see a woman about forty years old. When colleagues saw her, they all called her Ding Dong with a smile! Ding Dong! I saw her today and made a joke. Ding-dong! Ding Dong! Besides, she is very happy. She paused, smiled and left. My colleagues next to me are all stupid. Why did she ask? Later, they told me that this is our chairman, surnamed Ding! ..... Don't play like this, as if the work will be yellow!
6. My friend's wife is strict. One day, we joked with him and said, "I heard that you have a high position at home?" He immediately showed off in an ostentatious manner and said, "I am the master of the family!" " "Said a turn to see his wife staring at him ..." My wife-uncle! , my son-Sir Zhong! , I-three yes! "
7. My boyfriend said to his girlfriend, "I had a dream last night that you gave me a diamond necklace. What does this dream mean? " The boyfriend said mysteriously, "You will know tonight." My girlfriend was glad to see that her suggestion was effective. In the evening, my boyfriend really brought back a pack of things for his wife! My girlfriend opened it with joy and found a book "Duke of Zhou"!
8. Two people chat. A: "My wife was wearing a student uniform yesterday, and act young with me!" B: "Your wife is very interesting, and then what?" A: "I gave her a self-study class and then came out."
9. it's strange to see that the wifi password of the small restaurant is zlyplxh. Ask the boss, this password is difficult to remember. The boss smiled and answered, not difficult, that is, "another bottle of old snowflake." I entered the password while watching. I heard the waiter bang and opened a bottle.
10, go on a blind date today. Oh, my God, this girl. I'm glad to see it. "Beauty, I like you. Be my girlfriend! " "What do you have?" In this way, Lao Tzu directly threw the papers in front of her. "Real estate license, driver's license, lawyer's license, teacher's license ..." "Hey, handsome boy, what do you do?" "Hey, Lao Tzu is a false certificate!" "Get out of here! ! ! "
1 1. Today, I was chatting with a friend. I said: I went to a bar yesterday, met a young woman, drank too much with her, and then she took me back to her. The woman came over and kissed and left. The friend said: How about it? I said: I'll go down and buy a box of condoms first ... my friend said: finally awesome! I said, isn't it awesome? I bought condoms, and I can't find her home. ...
12. Yesterday, it was true. I am squeezing the bus. I accidentally bit my teeth and my mouth was full of blood. I am afraid of vomiting. Suddenly a buddy gave me a squeeze, and the blood in his mouth suddenly came out. Seeing that he was blue in the face, the buddy suddenly shouted: Don't squeeze, everyone was squeezed to vomit blood. Suddenly I couldn't help laughing.
13, I felt childish when she watched Korean dramas, so I got up to avoid them. She was angry and shouted, where is childish? Don't you dare sit down with me! I just sat and watched an episode with her honestly, and she turned to ask me if I was moved. I collapsed, damn it, I don't know if she asked if she was moved or dared to be moved!
14. Last night, I took my five-year-old nephew on a blind date. During the dinner, my nephew suddenly said to the beautiful woman, "Aunt, you have a special relationship with my uncle!" " The beauty smiled and said, "Why?" Nephew: "Because you are both wearing red underwear!" " "... the beauty blushed and pulled the skirt ... I subconsciously zipped it up. ...
15. In class, the teacher is talking about Chapter 7. Xiao Ming casually opened the book and bowed his head to play with his mobile phone. The teacher found out. The teacher asked him, "How can you turn the book to Chapter 8 when you talk about Chapter 7?" Xiao Ming replied faintly: "I'll wait for you in front!" " "
16, q: "If one day a billionaire gave you 500,000 yuan to eat a piece of shit, would you eat it?" Answer: "I can destroy him ~ ~ ~"
17, taking the bus in the morning, people are often gray ~ ~ ~ The driver's eldest brother began to growl: "Go back! Everybody go back! There is no one behind! " At this time, next to a faint MM asked, "Eldest brother, don't scare me. You really can't see them? " Driver: "…"
18, recently bought a cottage with eight speakers, which has long standby time and is waterproof. I used to listen to music when I went to the toilet. As a result, my hand slipped and my mobile phone fell into the toilet, and then I sang the little apple in the toilet for three days and three nights. ...
19, I have known my wife for many years and have never bought flowers. That day, I asked her out shopping in the name of getting off work early. Being late on purpose, I took a shortcut from the back and thought I was handsome enough to send her flowers. I thought of many scenes, such as tears, ecstasy and so on. Unexpectedly, the goods were stunned for a while, and then shyly stated: "I'm sorry, I have it all, and I have to let Big Brother spend so much money ..."
20. If the person you like is drunk in your bed, what will you do: A stay by her side; Help her eat a big meal; C kissed her gently; D XXOO, she. I chose D. I thought my answer would be the most evil, but I didn't expect someone to reply: CDBA. Damn it, it's a complete mess ...
One day, I was downloading learning software in my study when my grandmother came in. I was afraid that my grandmother would press it at random, so I said to her, "Grandma, I'll download it here." Go out for a while. "Grandma just went out and met her father. Dad asked, "What is she doing in there?" Grandma replied, "She gave birth there and wouldn't let us in. "
22. What are you doing standing at the door? Go in! Man: Didn't you say you would go shopping with you? Woman: Really? Man: Then what are you doing in the mall? Woman: Buy clothes. Man: You asked me to go shopping, so I didn't bring my wallet, so ... go out. ...
23. Background of coming home from work in the middle of the night. "robbery"! "Elder brother, I have no money, you rob the color!" "Then take it off quickly." "Brother, come from behind, don't look at me." "What do you mean? Afraid of shame? " "I am afraid that you will come to me again if you have no money to see a doctor." "..."
24. It is said that once the company organized a trip to Beihai, Guangxi, during which it passed by a lake and there was a statue of a turtle next to it. Everyone took a group photo and missed it. Girls who are usually men are no exception, and the climax is coming. When everyone came down to look at the photos, the girl suddenly shouted, "Where's the glans penis?" Why is my glans missing? ".At this moment, a faint voice came from the crowd:" Maybe I went in ... "I went in ... I went in!
25. I had a male ticket last night. I slept until midnight when my phone rang. Caller ID is my predecessor's name. The male ticket immediately became unhappy. He grabbed his cell phone and roared, "Is it over?" We are impossible! Even if you harass me, why bother my girlfriend! "I looked at him gratefully, but I always felt something was wrong!
26. My girlfriend went to my company yesterday and saw a beautiful young girl in my department. She always calls me "Brother Wang" enthusiastically. After leaving my job, my girlfriend was unhappy and asked me, "Who is that girl? How can she be so kind to you? Are you interested in her? " I said helplessly, "You think too much, I just regard her as air …" "Air! You treat her like air! Air is such an important thing! ! ! "I ...
27. "Marry me ..." "If you want me to promise you, yes, see the woman with heavy makeup across the street! Go over there and give her two big slaps! I'll go with you to get the certificate right away! " Without saying anything, the man went over. Bang. Bang. Two big slaps ... I took the certificate directly from him without saying anything ... "Now that we are husband and wife, can you tell me why you slapped her twice?" "What a pity! How much work you robbed me all morning! "
28. Me: "Let's go to the playground and play something exciting." Roommate: "Then take a roller coaster." Me: "Is there anything more exciting than a roller coaster?" Roommate: "The roller coaster derailed halfway!"
29. The little lion is an adult and ready to fall in love. His mother told the little lion: When you see the object you like, you must take the initiative to pick the advantages of each other and chat. On this day, the little lion met a little bitch on the roadside. The little lion went over and looked at each other for a long time. He asked, Do you like eating shit?
30. Husband: Wife, you look like a fairy, your figure is graceful, your temperament is elegant, and your ... wife: Nima, you say this every day, and I get goose bumps ... husband: Hey, I just want to praise you ... wife: Why? Husband: You are tired of listening, which shows that my words are effective and I am not afraid of other men confusing you. ...
Editor's note: I said to my wife earnestly, "There are usually two ways to lose weight, one is for health and the other is for beauty. Say you are doing it for health. Your method of losing weight is unhealthy in itself. Say you are beautiful, you are ugly not because you are fat! "
Laugh until you are in a mess, talk nonsense.
1. As soon as he entered the plastic surgery hospital, the dean said, sorry, we can't change your face here.
When people say you are crazy, you may not succeed, but you will be really crazy.
Let's * * * share weal and woe. In the future, what I have is mine, and what you have is mine.
I'm thinking, thanks to eating so much, I'm smarter. Will you send me away with a honey trap next?
I tell you, if you don't talk to me, I will become a steamed stuffed bun, the most famous steamed stuffed bun in Tianjin.
Failure is not terrible, what is terrible is that you have paid the result and told you that it is not success.
7. You said that you still can't find the person you love with lanterns. I wonder, dear, is your lantern too dark?
8. Actually, I'm not lazy, but raising fish is really troublesome. I used to change the water once a week, but now I change the fish once a week.
9. I think I am too successful in front of you, because you are a typical loser.
10. Some people are alive, but they are dead; Someone died, so did it.
1 1. It doesn't matter if the sky falls! You give me a top, I give me a cushion, so I don't believe who will be afraid of who.
12. I miss you so much that you can't eat, because the thought of you makes me sick.
13. This man is so hateful. The flowers of the motherland, when they bloom, pinch a, alas, poor flower.
14. Don't think that you can walk around in Smith Barney.
15. I can tolerate that your oath is false, but I can't tolerate that even the money you gave is false.
16. A cooked crab ran out of the pot and said, "I'm hot!" "I replied: I can bear it if I want to be red.
17. Pigs have their own way of life and ideas. If you give them human thoughts, they are not pigs, but eight quit.
18. If there is an earthquake, I really hope to live and die with you, because I want to see you smashed to death and laughed to death.
19. I know you are taken, but you don't understand that I am changing flowers.
20. I went fishing for a drift bottle in space, and I got an extra bottle. I'll go.
2 1. In fact, you can do many things in the morning, such as; Get some sleep.
22. Don't always talk about your face. Beauty is outstanding, ugliness is unique. Who are you scaring?
Feeling drunk. Talk about women's feelings of drinking too much.
1, "When you meet someone you like, you will become so stuffy. I want to go shopping hand in hand, eat popcorn and watch movies, and sit on the sofa drinking and chatting like a family. Before I met you, I always thought I was a runaway wild horse. Probably, I don't lack anything, no matter how wild my heart is, I must know how to refuse. "
2. I remember when I was a child, I often pointed to the ugly picture in the textbook and said to my deskmate, "Look, this is you." Then the deskmate rummaged through the whole book looking for uglier pictures than this and said, "Look, this is you."
3, don't drink, don't smoke, save countless money in three years.
4, intoxicating and spending * * * wine, flowers are beauty wine is sorrow.
5, the years are still long, you are kind-hearted, and eventually someone will accompany you to ride and drink.
I have a serious princess disease. In my world, I am the biggest. You can't be so mean to me. Everything I said is right. If you are not used to me, leave me alone.
7. British tourists who come for a month, and bar owners who live in new york. The tourists who come in by chance hit it off with the boss and have been talking about life, dreams and life. The boss invited the tourists to drink, took him to play, and made an appointment to go further.
8. People who drink too much are stupid.
9. If you don't let me drink, I'm afraid I'll feel sick. You let me drink because you want to take care of me.
10, love at first sight, obviously seeing the color; Love for a long time just weighs the pros and cons; Even growing old together is just a habit.
1 1. I had a crazy weekend. As usual, I just smoked, drank and ate junk food all night. Whatever you want! No matter who you are, do whatever you like! I have something to say on Monday!
12, what are you waiting for? Come and see the red maple in the mountains! Think less about life, struggle less, be discouraged less, drink more and walk more.
13, half a catty of improper wine, a catty of wall support, I won't go for half a catty.
14, I was drunk, but I was sober. I think you're alienating me. I told you. I won't give up, let alone let go.
15, women who drink know how to cherish, and women who drink know how to understand. Women who drink know how to give up. Women who drink will express their feelings with wine, dare to love and hate, and women who drink will interpret their lives with wine, and dare to do it.
16, the deep love, the pain is also cut. I love you so much, even those fantasies I miss, I am willing to believe. For me, even seeing your gentle back again may be enough.
17, three cups of cat urine, tumbling over the river.
18, it is nonsense to say that drinking is to completely indulge once, but actually I just want to find an excuse for crying.
19, wine is like a woman, and there are gains and losses in life. A successful woman can be intertwined and never let a man go all her life. A frustrated woman, in tears, raised her glass and was drunk alone.
20. But since the water is still flowing, even though we cut it with a sword, sadness will come back, even though we drown them with wine. Tomorrow I will loosen my hair and go fishing.
2 1, don't be too nice to me, I'm afraid you've had enough of my temper when I can't live without you.
22. I want to drink and then die drunk in the street.
23, learned to smoke and drink, learning will not last forever.
24. I drink occasionally. Smoking occasionally, thinking of you often! Drinking hurts the liver, smoking hurts the lungs, and I miss you so much.
25. I intend to get drunk. When drinking is a song, strong music is still tasteless. I don't regret that my belt is getting wider and wider, which makes people haggard for Iraq.
26, men drink friends, women drink hooligans.
27. If a person drinks too much, he is old, his legs are out of order, and he can't drink any more, so he will get angry when he sees others drinking. It is always bad for a person to be angry often.
28, love a person is not lonely, want to be alone, miss quietly, enjoy loneliness, put down the clouds in the sky, and leave behind the vows.
29. The more fragrant the wine, the more sad it is to drink, but the wine is not intoxicating. What is hidden between the cups and cups is the mood and sadness of the drinker.
30, I want to cry in my eyes, I want to smile at my mouth, I just want to numb all my thoughts with alcohol.
Drinking is an interesting thing. When I look back, I find that all our important decisions were made while drinking.
32. I have my story, but I don't drink. Even when I drink, I just want to get drunk.
Sorry, I can't drink, I only dream.
34. Love is like two people drinking at the same table, I propose a toast, you are free, that's all.
35, cheating in the exam, Qi Xin together. Mainly copying, supplemented by Mongolia. Combine with Mongolia to ensure customs clearance. Several informers, after-school violence.
36. If you like a pair of shoes, just wear them in Wanshui, Qian Shan. If you love someone, you will drink with him without saying a word.
37. Suits and ties go to hotels mostly for entertainment, and all the people who can drink in the night market are friends.
38, you laugh once, I can be happy for several days; But seeing you cry once made me sad for several years.
39, drunk, I refuse to accept anyone, just hold the wall.
40. I don't like drinking with people who can't drink, because you never know what he will look like when he is drunk and wakes up.