My friend Herb McGuinness is a heart surgeon. He is talking now. The four of us sat around the table and drank gin. It was a Saturday afternoon, and the sun shone through the big window behind the sink and filled the whole restaurant.

There are four of us, my wife Laura, Herb and his second wife. Herb's wife's name is Teresa, and we all call her Terri. We all lived in Albuquerque at that time, but we all came from other places. There is an ice bucket on the table, and gin and tonic water are constantly passing around us. Somehow, we talked about love. Herb believes that true love should be completely spiritual love. When he was young, he stayed in a seminary for five years, and then he dropped out of the seminary and went to medical school. At the same time, he also left the church, but he once said that he missed his days in the seminary very much, and he thought it was the most important time in his life.

Terry said that before she lived with Herb, a man loved her so much that he wanted to kill her. Hearing Terri say this, Herb smiled and made a face. Terry looked at him and said, "He beat me up one night. It was our last night together. He grabbed my ankle and kept saying,' I love you, don't you see? I love you, you bitch. He dragged me around the living room, and my head kept hitting things. "She looked around at us and then at her hand touching the glass." What would you do if you met this kind of love? "She said. Terri is a skinny woman with a beautiful face, black eyes and brown hair that reaches to the waist. She likes turquoise necklaces and earrings with long pendants. She is fifteen years younger than Herb and has suffered from anorexia several times. In the late 1960s, she dropped out of nursing school and became an "unemployed person", in her own words. Herb is a bit of a hippie, as he sometimes affectionately calls her.

"My God, don't be silly, that's not love, you know." Herb said, "I don't know why you think so. I think it's crazy, but one thing is obvious, it can't be love."

"No matter what you say, I know he loves me," Terri said. "I'm sure he loves me. It may sound crazy to you, but it's true. People are different, herb. Of course, sometimes he acts crazy, and that's okay. He loves me. Maybe in his own way, but he loves me. That's his love, herb. Don't deny it. "

Herb gave a long sigh. He raised his glass and turned to Laura and me. "He also threatened to kill me." Herb gulped it down and went to get the bottle. "Terry is a romantic. Terri belongs to the type of' hit me and I know you love me'. Terry, baby, don't look at me like that. " He held out his hand and pinched her chin. Gnash your teeth at her.

"He wants to pass the buck, so now he is making up a lie." Terri said she didn't laugh.

"Make what up?" Herb asked, "What is there to fabricate? I know what I know, it's as simple as that. "

"What do you think this is?" Terri asked, "How did we talk about this topic?" She raised her glass and took a sip of the wine. "Herb always has love in his heart," Terri said. "Isn't it, dear?" She smiled, but I felt ugly.

"I just don't want to call Carl's behavior love. That's what I want to say, dear. " Herb said, "What do you think?" He asked me and Laura. "Does this sound like love to you?"

I shrugged. "This you shouldn't ask me, I don't even know that person. I just heard you mention this name. Carl, I don't know anything. You must know all the details. This is not my book, but who said that? There are many different ways to express feelings and behaviors, and that way can't happen to me. But herb, are you saying that love is an absolute thing? "

"The kind of love I'm talking about is," Herb said. "The kind of love I am talking about is that you can't kill people."

My dear Laura, the great Laura, and then she said quietly, "I know nothing about Carl and the situation at that time." Who can judge the situation of others? " Besides, Terri, I know nothing about his violence. "

I touched the back of Laura's hand and she smiled at me at once. Then continue to turn to look at Terri. I hold Laura's hand. Her hands feel comfortable and her nails are carefully trimmed and polished. I put my finger on her wrist like a bracelet.

"After I left him, he drank rat poison," Terri said. She put her hand around her arm. "They sent him to the hospital in the Santa Fe community where we lived and saved his life, but his gums fell off. I mean, they pulled out his teeth, and after that, his teeth protruded like animal fangs, my God. " She said. She paused for a moment, then put down her arm to get the cup.

When we talk about love, what are we talking about (II)

"What they dare not do!" Laura said. "It's really hard to hear the news, but I still don't like him. Where is he now? "

"He can't move now," Herb said. "He's dead." He handed me a lime. I peeled off a petal, squeezed orange juice into the wine, and stirred the ice in the wine.

"Things are getting worse," Terry said. "He shot himself in the mouth, but he screwed up again. Poor Carl. " She shook her head and said.

"It doesn't matter that he is poor," Herb said. "He is too dangerous." Herb was 45 years old. He is thin and tall with curly gray hair. His face and arms are tanned because he often plays tennis. When he is awake, his gestures, all his movements, are careful and accurate.

"Even so, he does love me, and you must admit it," Terri said. "This is all I ask. He doesn't love me as much as you do, and I didn't say that. But he loves me. You can admit it, right? I don't ask much. "

"What do you mean,' He screwed up'?" I asked. Laura leaned forward to hold the cup, with her elbows on the table and her hands holding the cup. She looked puzzled. She looked at Herb and then at Terry, as if something had happened to someone she knew. Herb drank the wine in one gulp. "How can a person commit suicide and screw up?" I asked again.

"I'll tell you what happened," Herb said. "He used a No.22 pistol, which he bought to threaten Terri and me-oh, I'm not exaggerating, he will really shoot. You can imagine our life during that time, just like fugitives. Although I bought my own gun for self-defense, I have been hiding it in the cupboard of my car. You know, sometimes I have to leave my apartment in the middle of the night to go to the hospital. At that time, Terri and I were not married. My house, children, dog and everything belonged to my first wife. Terry and I live in this apartment. Like I said, sometimes I get a phone call from the hospital in the middle of the night and have to get to the hospital at two or three in the morning. At that time, the parking lot was dark, and I often broke out in a cold sweat before I found a car to get in. I don't know whether he will come out of the bushes or hide behind a car and shoot me. I mean, he's crazy. He may put a bomb in my car or something. " At that time, he would call my service number at any time and say that he needed to consult a doctor. I called back and he said, "Son of a bitch, you won't live for a few days" or something like that. I'm telling you, it's terrible. "

"I feel sad when I think about him now," Terri said. She took a sip and stared at Herb, and Herb stared at Terri.

"It sounds like a nightmare," said Laura. "But what happened after he shot himself?" Laura is a judicial clerk. We met at a job when there were many other people around, but we started talking and I invited her to have dinner with me. I didn't realize at that time that I wanted to pursue her. She is 35 years old, three years younger than me. Besides loving each other, we also like each other and enjoy our time together very much. She is easy to get along with. "What's the matter?" Laura asked again.

Herb paused for a moment, fiddling with the cup with his hand. Then he said, "He shot himself in the mouth in the room. Someone heard the shot and reported it to the manager. They entered the room with a master key and called an ambulance. I happened to be there when they took him to the emergency room. I am in charge of another patient. He is still alive, but he is hopeless. After that, he stayed for three days I'm not kidding. His head is swollen, as big as his usual two heads. I have never seen such a situation, and I don't want to see it again. Terry wants to go in and sit next to him when he knows. We had a fight about it. I don't think she wants to see him like that. I don't think she should go to see him either, I still think so. "

"Who won?" Laura asked.

"I was with him when he died," Terry said. "He never regained consciousness and had no hope, but I sat next to him, just me and no one else."

"He's a dangerous man," Herb said. "If you think this is love, then you do have this kind of love."

"This is love," said Terry. "Of course, this is not normal in most people's eyes, but he is willing to die for love. He died for love. "

"I'm sure it can't be love," Herb said. "You don't know why he died. I have seen many people who committed suicide, and I can say that everyone close to them is not sure why they committed suicide. When asked why they committed suicide, well, I don't know. " He put his hand behind his neck, leaned back and tilted the front leg of the chair. "I'm not interested in that kind of love. If that is really love, then you can have this kind of love. "

When we talk about love, what are we talking about (3)

A few minutes later, Terri said, "We were all scared. Herb even wrote a will and a letter to his brother in California, who fought in the Vietnam War. He told him in the letter that if he died strangely or something happened, let him help take care of his loved ones. " She shook her head and smiled. Pour a mouthful of wine, continue to say, "at that time, we are a bit like outlaws. We all live in fear. We even called the police once, but there was nothing the police could do. They said they couldn't interfere with Carl unless he really laid hands on Herb, and before that, they couldn't arrest him or do anything. Funny, right? " Terry said. She picked up the bottle and poured it over. After the last drop of gin was poured into the glass, she shook the empty bottle several times. Herb stood up, went to the kitchen and took out another bottle of gin.

"Nick and I are in love, aren't we, Nick?" Laura touched my knee with her knee when she spoke. "You seem to want to say something," she looked at me and smiled brightly. "I think we get along very well. We like to do things together and don't fight with each other. Thank goodness, we are all lucky. I mean, we had a great time, God bless. "

In response, I held her hand and kissed the back of her hand ostentatiously. My kiss made everyone happy. "We are lucky," I said.

"You guys," Terry shouted, "don't show love. You make me sick! That's because you are still in the honeymoon period, so you are so boring. Your enthusiasm for each other has not faded. Wait a minute. How long have you been together? How long has it been? A year, or more than a year? "

"A year and a half," Laura's face went red.

"You are still in the honeymoon period," Teri said again. "Wait a minute," she said, raising her glass and looking at Laura. "I'm kidding."

Herb opened the gin and went back to the table. "My god, terry, you shouldn't talk like that, even if it's a joke. That sounds unlucky. Come on, friends, let's have a drink. I propose that we drink this cup. For love, true love, "Herb said.

"For love," we clinked glasses.

In the backyard outside the window, a dog began to bark. The leaves of poplar trees near the window trembled in the wind. The afternoon sunshine in the room is fascinating. Suddenly, we feel relaxed, tolerant, friendly and comfortable. We all seem to be somewhere else. We raise our glasses again, just like children agree on something, and we laugh loudly.

"I'll tell you what love is," finally Herb broke the tacit understanding. "I mean, I'll give a typical example of love, and then you can draw your own conclusions." He poured some wine into the glass, then added an ice cube and a slice of lime. We waited while drinking wine. Laura touched my knee again. I reached out and touched her thigh. Her legs are warm, so I put my hand on her legs.

"What do we think love is?" Herb said, "Please forgive me if I have offended you. What I want to say is in my story. For love, we are all just beginners. We love each other and love each other hard, we all do. I love Terri. Terri loves me. You two love each other. You know what kind of love I'm talking about, mutual attraction, just like every ordinary love, loving each other's body and enjoying being with each other. These trivial things constitute daily love. Physical love, or emotional love, daily care for each other. But when I think about my ex-wife, I feel very confused. I used to love her, and I know I love her. So before you start talking, I think I'm just like Terri, Terri and Carl in this matter. " He paused for a moment, then went on.

"But once I thought I loved my ex-wife more than life itself, and we had children together. But now I hate her guts. I hate her. Can you figure out what's going on? What happened to our love? Has that love been erased from the blackboard as if it never happened? I really want to know what happened in our love, and I hope someone can tell me. After that, Carl appeared. All right, now let's go back to Carl. He loved Terri so much that he wanted to kill her, and finally lost his life. " He stopped and shook his head. "You two have been together for eighteen months, and you love each other. Throughout all your experiences, you are still immersed in the excitement of love. You loved others before you met, just like Terry and I, and we were married before. It is possible that you fell in love with someone else before you got married.

We lived together for five years and got married for four years. But the terrible thing is, the terrible thing is, but it is also a good thing. You may find that if something happens to one of us-forgive me for being blunt-if anything happens to any of us tomorrow, I think the other person and the other half will be sad for a while, you know, but the living one will eventually get out of the shadows and fall in love with someone else again. God, can you imagine what that feels like? All that remains is memories. Maybe no memory. Maybe this is what we think love looks like.

Am I wrong? Am I all wet? I know this will happen to us, just like Terri and I fall in love, and we will fall in love with others again. In this matter, everyone is like this. I just said. In short, we will confirm this. I just don't understand. If you think I'm wrong, please help me point out the correction. I want to know, I know nothing about this problem, but I am the first person who dares to say so. "

When we talk about love, what are we talking about (4)

"Herb, for God's sake, stop it," Terri said. "This is really heavy. Even if you believe these are facts, this fact is uncomfortable, and I still feel sad at this point. " She reached out and grasped Herb's forearm. Herb, are you drunk? Honey, are you drunk? "

"Never mind, I'm just saying," Herb said. "I don't need to be drunk to say what I want to say, do I? I'm not drunk. We are just chatting, aren't we? " Herb asked. But then his voice changed. "If I want to get drunk, fuck it, I'll get drunk once. I can do whatever I want today. " He looked at Teri.

"Honey, I didn't say you were wrong," she said, taking a sip of her wine.

"I'm not on duty today," Herb said. "I will do whatever I want today. I'm just a little tired. "

"Herb, we love you," said Laura.

Herb turned to look at Laura. It seems that he can't see her clearly for a moment. Laura kept looking at Herb with a smile on her face. Her cheeks were red, and the dazzling sunshine flashed before her eyes, so she had to look at him slightly sideways. His health has completely collapsed. "I love you, too, Laura, and you, Nick. I want to tell you that you are my good brothers. " Herb said. He raised his glass again. "Well, what did I say just now? Yes, I want to tell you something that happened not long ago. " I want to prove my point. If I can tell the story accurately, I can prove my point. It happened a few months ago, but it's not over yet. You may say it's really cool, but when we talk about love, we talk like we know what we're talking about, and we should be ashamed of it.

"Herb, come on," said Terry. "You're too drunk. Don't talk like that. If you are not drunk, don't pretend to be drunk. "

"Will you shut up for a moment, Terri?" Herb said. "Let me tell this story, it has been in my mind, just don't shout for a while. Let me tell you how it happened. Is it an old couple who had an accident on the interstate? A child ran into them, and the old couple suffered multiple fractures all over their bodies, and there was little hope of survival. Let me say, Terri, can you shut up now? "

Terry looked at us and turned to herb. She looks anxious, which is the best word to describe her. Herb handed us the bottles one by one.

"You really shocked me, Herb," Terri said. There is no reason to be surprised.

"Maybe," Herb said, "maybe so. I am often shocked myself, and everything in my life shocks me. " He stared at her for a while, and then he went on to say.

"I was on duty that night. It was May and June. Terry and I are sitting down to prepare dinner. Suddenly the hospital called to say that there had been an accident on the interstate. A drunken teenager drove his father's pickup truck, running all the way, into an automatic camper. There is an old couple in the car. The old couple are almost 75 years old. The child was only 18 and 19 years old and died before being sent to the hospital. He leaned against the steering wheel, which smashed his sternum. He must have died on the spot. The old couple are still alive, but they are dying. Multiple fractures and contusions in the upper body, muscle and soft tissue tears, concussion. Their situation is very bad, you have to believe me. Moreover, they are older, which is quite unfavorable to them. The situation of the old lady is more serious than that of the old man. Her spleen ruptured, and with other problems, the kneecap of her leg was broken. Luckily, they wore seat belts. God knows, this thing saved their lives.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is an advertisement for the National Security Council," Terry said. "Now is Dr Herb McGuinness, a spokesperson. Everybody listen carefully. " Terri smiled, and then she said in a low voice, "Herb, sometimes you are really something." I love you, dear. "

We all laughed. Herb smiled too. "Baby, I love you. You know that, right? " He leaned forward, Terri leaned this way, and they kissed. "Terri is right, my friends," Herb said after resuming her sitting position. "To be on the safe side, please fasten your seat belt. Take the advice of Dr. Herb. I'm not kidding. The situation of those two old people is really bad. By the time I arrived at the scene, interns and nurses had already started the rescue. The child is dead. I already told you. He was lying on the hospital ambulance bed in the corner of the scene. Someone has informed his relatives that they are on their way. I looked at the old couple and arranged for the nurses in the emergency room to call the neurologist and plastic surgeon. To make a long story short, when the other two doctors arrived at the hospital, we pushed the old couple into the operating room, and the operation lasted almost one night. They seem to have incredible potential, those old people, sometimes you will encounter this situation. We did our best. At dawn, we are only 55% sure that they will survive, or less. The old lady's chances of survival may be only 35%. Her name is Anna Gates, and she is an unusual woman. However, the next morning, they were still alive, so we transferred them to the intensive care unit so that we could monitor their breathing 24 hours a day. They have been in intensive care for almost two weeks, and the old lady's time is longer. Until their condition improves, we can push them into the hall and transfer them to their respective wards. "

When we talk about love, what are we talking about (5)

Herb, stop. "Now," he said, "we have done this glass of wine, and everyone has done it. Then we will go to a restaurant for dinner. How's it going? We know a good place, a new restaurant. We went there, we went to that restaurant and went after drinking. "

"That restaurant is called the library," Terri said. "You haven't eaten there, have you?" Laura and I both shook our heads. "That's a great restaurant. Others say it's a chain restaurant, but it doesn't look like a chain store. Can you understand what I mean? There are really many bookshelves there. There are books on the shelf. You can browse the books after dinner, and you can borrow a book to take home next time you go. " The food there is great. Herb's Biography of Heroes after the Robbery was borrowed when we went there for dinner last week. Just filled out a card, just like in the library.

"I like The Legend of Heroes after the Robbery," Herb said. "This is a great book. I want to read it again. I like studying literature. Now I have an identity crisis. Right, Terri? " Then he burst out laughing. He stirred the ice in the cup. "I have had this identity crisis for many years. Terri knows that she can tell you, but it is better for me. If I can go back to ancient times and live a completely different life, a completely different era, everything will be completely different, you know? I want to be a knight. You are very safe in full armor. Before the appearance of 22 mm artillery rifles and pistols, it was good to be a knight. "

"Herb wants to ride a white horse and take a spear." Terry smiled.

Laura said, "I wear women's garters everywhere."

"Or just bring a woman." I said.

"That's right," Herb said. "Nick, no matter where you are, you can always hit the nail on the head, right? No matter where you ride a horse, you can take a handkerchief with perfume for women on it. Did they have handkerchiefs with perfume in ancient times? But it doesn't matter if you don't. Have a little forget-me-not A token, that's what I want to say. At this time, you need to bring a token. In any case, being a knight at that time was much better than being a slave. " Herb said.

"Knights are always better than slaves," said Laura.

"Slaves were miserable at that time," Terri said.

"Slaves always seem to be like this," Herb said. "But I think even knights are just rich people of some important people. Isn't that what happened then? However, this important person will be attached to other important people, won't it, Terri? But I like knights. Besides the women around me, I also like their armor. You know, they don't get hurt easily. At that time, there were no cars, no friends, and no drunken teenagers ran over you. "

"A slave," I said.

"What?" Herb asked.

"slaves," I said, "they are called slaves, doctors, not crossbow servants."

"Slaves," Herb said, "slaves, crossbow servants and simple park are different. Anyway, you know what I mean. In this respect, you are better educated than me, "Herb said. "I didn't study that. I only studied my major. I am a cardiologist, but more precisely, I am a repairman. All I do is open the defective parts of my body and repair the defects. I am a repairman. "

Modesty is not your style, herb. Laura said, and herb grinned at her

"My friends, he is a modest doctor," I said, "but sometimes they feel depressed in armor, Herb. If the armor gets too hot or they are too tired, they will also get heart disease. I have read some descriptions that they can't stand up after falling off their horses because their armor is too heavy. So sometimes I will be trampled by my own horse. "

"That's terrible," Herb said. "That's terrible, Nicky. I guess they may fall off their horses and lie still, and then their enemies will arrive and give them a crazy meal. "

"Another kind of slave," said Terry.

"You're right, another kind of slave," said Herb. "You are so right. Other slaves will stab their fellow knights with spears in the name of love, no matter what they were fighting for at that time, I think we are in the same situation today. "

"politics"; Laura said, "Nothing has changed." Laura's cheeks are still red and her eyes are shining. She held the cup to her lips.

Herb had another drink. He looked at the sign on the bottle carefully, just like studying the miniature statue of the guard in the Tower of London. Then he shook the bottle on the table and reached for tonic water.

"What happened to the old couple, Herb?" Laura asked. "Your story is not over yet." Since then, Laura has tried to light a cigarette for herself, and the match always goes out halfway. The light in the room dimmed. The leaves outside the window are still shimmering, and I stare at the vague patterns on the lattice of the window lattice and the Fumeijia cooking table under the window. The room was very quiet, except for the sound of Laura striking matches.