Original/He Jingyue
Clue:
Just last month, some media reported that a boy of 13 years old cheated a boy of 6.5 years old to his home, then wounded him to death, and finally skinned him and dismembered him, which was cruel and outrageous.
This is not a child, obviously it is Warcraft. There is a devil living in his heart, and the evil of human nature makes him deviate from the normal growth track at a young age.
They all say: the beginning of life is good. Every little creature that comes into this world is an angel. Their hearts are like a blank sheet of paper. What color the outside world paints it, and what seeds parents sow for it, it will blossom and bear fruit in the future.
Then, in the life of this 13-year-old boy, what kind of experience has he experienced, which has kept kindness away from him and kept the devil in his heart?
Perhaps it can be said that there must be a demonic child in the heart of this 13-year-old boy, and that is his inner child.
Stone's "Heal Your Inner Child" tells us that deep down, there is a child who has not grown up. Whether it is childhood or adulthood, when he is not cared for, loved and treated, he becomes a child with uncertain rain or shine.
This inner child will become an emotion that makes you out of control: anger, sadness, sadness, and even uncontrollable rage or collapse.
He will become your fragile and sensitive nerve: make you feel insecure, "active" in your feelings, have no confidence in your work, dare not refuse, and don't know how to fight for it.
He will become a part of your personality that you desperately want to suppress: over time, procrastination, laziness, sensitivity, fragility, emotionality ... gradually become your character trap.
The author said: It is called the inner child because it is not easy to be found, but it plays a decisive role in a person's life.
In life, most people's lives are imperfect and flawed. Explore their hearts, everyone lives in an inner child who is sad, lonely, inferior, wronged, nervous and unconfident. They will accompany people's life like shadows. When you want to be happy, make important decisions and express yourself well, the inner voices of "I can't do it", "I don't deserve it" and "I'm not good" will ring in your ears, making you timid and stop. Let you feel that you will not be recognized, liked, denied and powerless again and again.
So, what should we do, live with trauma and regret, or take the initiative to seek self-healing, repair broken hearts, heal our inner children, get out of depression, reconcile with life, reconcile with parents, reconcile with ourselves, and walk through the rest of life with a confident and peaceful heart.
Therefore, only by bravely stepping out of the barrier that bothers you, healing the inner trauma, healing the abandoned child, surrounded by shame and suppressed by fear, and letting the inner self that is not valued, cared for and recognized go to the sun, can we embrace ourselves and embrace tomorrow.
"Healing Your Inner Child" edited by Shi will lead us into her 30 in-depth growth classes, and explore ourselves together, untie the knot, understand human nature, handle conflicts, experience relationships and move towards healing.
Shi, MD, is the first batch of national registered psychological counselors in China. He was awarded the German Foreign Academic Exchange Fund and studied at Frankfurt University and Audley Innsbruck University in Germany. Chairman of German-Chinese Psychotherapy Institute, Vice Chairman of China Psychiatric Committee, Vice Chairman of China Psychological Counseling and Psychotherapy Committee, Professor of Tongji Medical College of Huazhong University of Science and Technology, Chairman of Hubei Mental Health Association, Director of Wuhan Mental Health Institute, Vice President of Wuhan Psychological Hospital.
In this book, based on the research of trauma psychology for more than 20 years, psychologist Shi proposed to systematically solve the five needs, five emotions, five values and beliefs of inner children.
Let us see for the first time how to respond to the needs of inner children: face up to the needs of love, companionship, praise, play and apology, instead of taking a negative response of avoiding and turning a blind eye;
Let us understand the importance of * * * emotions and how to release the repressed emotions of inner children: overcome the personality defects of fear, shame, abandonment, emptiness and sadness;
It also makes us understand the importance of change: how to reshape the destroyed values and beliefs: children who are troubled by me from the deep heart, such as I can't, I'm not good, I don't deserve it, I don't like it, I don't agree.
As far as this book is concerned, I want to interpret the main points in the book from three aspects: 1 Everyone has an inner child in his heart; 2. Learn to heal and care for children with trauma; Children will see themselves in the happy eyes of their parents.
In reality, there is always a gap between one's inner expectations and reality, and it may never be satisfied. Just like a newborn baby, he always wants to see his mother when he opens his eyes.
But in reality, due to various reasons, the mother may not be able to appear in front of the baby for the first time; Maybe the baby is crying because he is hungry, and the mother always thinks that the child has just suckled and is not hungry; It may also be that the child wants his mother to play with him, and her mother has a lot of things to do, so she will say impatiently, "Play by yourself, can't you see I'm busy?" ..... So, children become sensitive and inferior in repeated disappointments, thinking that their mothers don't like themselves.
In fact, if a person thinks that there is no gap between his inner expectations and reality, then he may be a mental patient. This state is called psychological equivalence.
Once there is spiritual equivalence, there will be "I think the reality should be like this", "I think the world belongs to me", "I think the world owes me" and "I think everyone else is a bad person". This kind of performance is common in mental patients, and normal people will not have such an idea.
Therefore, when a child says "yes", if his parents don't satisfy him, there will be differences between his heart and the outside world. The difference is that "the world is not as beautiful as I want".
Many parents don't think so. They think that such a small child will follow him everywhere and spoil him. Will it be all right in the future?
The real situation is: to make the inner child grow up healthily, we must give him enough trust, acceptance and love.
In other words, when the child is very young, parents should try their best to unconditionally satisfy all the wishes of the child, including caressing, companionship and taking care of every requirement of the child's young mind. This is not doting, but parents are meeting the demands of his inner child.
British psychoanalyst Winnicott coined a term-tools used mercilessly.
In fact, parents should allow their children to be used mercilessly as tools when they are very young.
That's because if you allow yourself to be used mercilessly as a tool by children in early childhood, children can use their parents as tools to help them explore the world and get in touch with the new environment outside, which is of great benefit to their growth.
And those children who used their parents as tools when they were young, when they grow up, their parents will be full of feelings for you, just as their parents unconditionally satisfied their wishes in the past, and they will accompany you with their heart and satisfy your every wish.
Classification and performance of inner children;
Children's themes within 1 0-1month: "feeling like a god";
Children's theme within 2.2-6 months: smile and get love;
3.6- 10 month children theme: narcissism and exploration;
In other words, 0- 1 month children need the feeling of "God" in their hearts. Because the other side of the omnipotent "God" is a child who is particularly vulnerable, vulnerable and fragile, and is often in a state of collapse.
After 3 months, the baby began to know some people around him, mainly his mother, of course; He began to observe his mother's expression, and he would feel love and love from her happy expression, thus obtaining psychological satisfaction.
At the age of 2-6 months, children usually live with their mothers. This period is also called * * * growth period.
At the age of 6 months, the child began to form a narcissistic self. At this time, the inner child appeared a feeling similar to "God".
So soon after the child was born, his inner child began to form. In this process, if parents can give their children unlimited love, attention and companionship, their children will be healthy and happy inside and grow into a sunny, happy and healthy person in the future.
Everyone has a child who doesn't grow up. When we encounter something that hurts us, our ego will stay at the present age and become a noisy "inner child". The inner child will record the feelings at that time, longing for love, unwillingness, anger or sadness.
When our inner child can't get care, love and healing, the inner child will become an uncertain child, an out-of-control emotion, a sensitive and fragile nerve and a part of your personality that you desperately want to suppress.
Only when we learn to see him constantly, cure him, and let our inner children grow up healthily and happily with us, can our self be complete and truly happy.
Injured inner children often have the following performances:
Five unmet needs
1. The pain of lack of love;
2. Loneliness without company;
3. Lack of inferiority complex of praise;
4. Lack of tension in playing;
5. Lack of sense of grievance of apology;
Five kinds of depressed emotions that need to be released
1. Fear 2. Shame; 3. sense of abandonment; 4. a sense of emptiness; 5. sadness;
What is the difference between an injured inner child and a healthy inner child?
1. Characteristics of healthy inner children:
A. good quality; B. able to endure setbacks;
2. Causes of injury: If the needs of inner children are not met at any stage, inner children may be injured;
3. Performance after injury: fixation on the image of "God";
4. Interpretation of the formation process: the previous treatment was improper, unstable and unsustainable.
Traumatic intrinsic children are often formed in this way: improper early environment and improper upbringing may make children form traumatic intrinsic children.
Of course, alienation is the first among all kinds of improper parenting methods. If parents don't pay much attention to children, children will feel dangerous, because parents are indifferent, don't accompany them, don't touch them, and he can't get rid of the doubt of "can I live?" Because "security" is the most important guarantee for children, with security, the inner child will become very quiet.
The author points out: "especially the early love from parents and the unconditional satisfaction of children's requirements can help children form a safe inner child."
At the same time, "correct parenting style is the most important link to prevent children from forming traumatic inner children." In addition, we must maintain the stability and continuity of parenting styles. "
Those who have shadows in their hearts, under the constant degradation and reprimand of their parents, have formed a sense of low self-worth, inferiority and inferiority, and feel that they are inferior to others everywhere.
In fact, a child who feels that he can't do anything, they often grow up under the harsh education, demeaning education and unappreciated education.
In reality, in the hearts of those inner children who lack love, there is a very greedy "devil" who has a strong possessive desire for many things.
This "devil" will make this child selfish, greedy, indifferent and heartless. Because his inner child is a demon who wants to destroy everything, everything around him is a challenge.
The 13-year-old boy mentioned at the beginning of the article is obviously a long-term loveless child. Because he has not been cared for and accompanied by his parents for a long time, he has a "devil-like" inner child. Driven by selfish, indifferent and heartless "devil", he brutally killed a 6-year-old boy.
This is a human tragedy. Not only did he personally ruin his life, but he also dragged another family into the abyss.
If there is a wounded child living in your heart, you must first understand and accept him and try to live in peace with him. And look for opportunities to repair and cure, so that this inner child no longer feels lonely, sad, wronged and helpless. The best way to cure the injured inner child is to get an apology from parents. It is never too late for parents to apologize. Because, for children, it is precious.
The book tells a story: a boy of 18 years old, because his parents didn't accompany him well when he was a child, he was always troubled by a sense of abandonment and not being loved by his mother, which hurt his inner childlike innocence.
Later, in order to make up for the lack of love for her children, the mother bought a big bed and prepared to accompany her son. As a result, the grown-up son was as happy as if he had returned to his childhood. 1.8 meters tall big boy excitedly rolled and jumped on the bed because his mother was going to sleep with him. The boy has been longing for his mother's love and company. Now it's finally realized. Although this day came a little late, from now on, the injured child in the big boy's heart was cured. He is sure that his mother loves him, likes him and is willing to accompany him. That's enough.
Freud told a story about himself: his father was a fur dealer and was strict with him, so he was always "out of place" with his parents. One night, he got up to go to the toilet, but absently walked into his parents' bedroom, then used the bedroom as a toilet and peed in his parents' bedroom.
When his parents woke up and saw this scene, his father said angrily to his mother, "This child will accomplish nothing in his life." This sentence is like a curse. Even if Freud was successful later, every time he thought of his father's words, he felt that he was not successful enough.
Father's words, like a "curse", accompanied Freud's life. When the child comes of age, the father must have forgotten what he said. However, every sentence that the father blurted out went deep into the child's heart and became a lingering injury to Freud's heart.
A few years later, if the father can apologize to his son for that remark, the knot between father and son will be opened, and the "curse" that has plagued Freud for many years will also be opened.
However, many parents are not aware of this. Even if you realize it, you will feel that it has been many years, and the child has long forgotten it. Besides, it is difficult for a father to apologize to his son.
In this way, the heart knot has been there, and the inner trauma has not healed for a long time. And his inner grievances have never been put down. Maybe he is still looking forward to the day when his father apologizes to him.
In fact, among all complicated emotions, grievance is a particularly complicated emotion. Grievances are often because wishes are not only not met, but also not seen and understood. Apologizing means that you saw him, comforted him, and understood him.
In such a complicated process, an apology can make grievances seen, understood, appeased and released. But our parents just don't want to admit their mistakes to their children and ask them to forgive them. It can be said that many times, it is the selfishness and ignorance of parents that destroys the innocence of children's hearts and makes children feel the inner pain in grievances.
In other words, if a child sees that his parents especially like him and they really like him, then it can reflect the child's self-worth like a mirror.
From the perspective of psychotherapy, the process of exploring the skills needed to heal those with internal child trauma is also the process of finding the answers to these questions.
If the talents, resources, spiritual energy and self-confidence in your life are a treasure house, then your inner child is the gatekeeper of this treasure house. If he loses his temper and refuses to let go, you can't use these resources and energy to achieve your goal.
Therefore, a person's inner child will always exist. Even if you only caused him trauma in his early years, this traumatized inner child will always exist, so we should carefully incubate and take care of this inner child.
However, how can we see the trauma of our inner child, how can we heal our inner child, and how can we change our inner child from a deeply traumatized inner child to a normal inner child?
In this book "Healing Your Inner Child", the author will lead us on a journey to find ourselves and our inner child.
Freud once described that a person's sense of self-worth is based on how his parents took care of him in his early years. If his parents are kind and gentle to him, he can internalize this kindness and gentleness into his heart. After such incubation, the inner self will become a meaningful individual.
Therefore, parents do not simply raise their children, but in this process, let the children gradually feel the sound, tone and taste, and then gradually understand and understand the attitude and emotions of caregivers, and what he should feel most is "I am needed, I am respected, and I am loved." This process is the process of intellectualization, and children feel emotional connection in this process.
In fact, parents are like a mirror, but sometimes it does not reflect the value of children, but reflects the shadow of parents; Parents cast their own shadows on their children and let them live in their parents' shadows all their lives.
As parents who gave their children life, we must ask ourselves: Do you love your children from the bottom of your heart? Are you willing to spend time and energy to look at and appreciate your children with loving eyes? If not, then from now on, walk into the child's heart and give him a big hug. And ask the child to forgive him for the harm he has caused to his heart. In fact, it is never too late to make a sincere apology.
The book "Heal Your Inner Child" provides us with a systematic solution on how to heal childhood trauma and the injured heart.
Starting from responding to the needs of inner children, the author releases repressed emotions, rebuilds destroyed values and beliefs, becomes his inner parents, and makes up for what inner children lack. At the same time, he discovers the unique resources in life, finds the inner energy of himself, re-integrates himself, and becomes a brand-new self with the ability to know himself, heal himself, feel valuable, accept himself and develop his potential.
I am Jingyuehe, please pay attention to @ Jingyuehe for more exciting.