1. Looking back five hundred times in the past life, but in exchange for a rogue sentence in this life! 2. Some classes are like Nanfu Battery, one class is longer than 6 classes. 3. It’s getting cold. Did Yue Lao use my red thread to knit long johns? 4. The one with the ring on his head may not be an angel, maybe it’s Wukong! 5. I used to be a top student, but then I wanted to see the world of underachievers, but I found that I was lost. 6. People are unlucky, drinking cold water will clog their teeth; water is even more unlucky, even if they are drunk, they will be trapped. Teeth. 7. First line: It’s so damn cold today. It’s freezing to death. How can I fix it? Second line: You deserve it, you’re unlucky, you don’t have enough clothes to wear, who do you blame? Hengpi: Total nonsense. 8. Please cherish the thin people around you, because if a gust of wind blows one day, they will be blown away. 9. Why do you suddenly have nosebleeds and get lost during menstruation? 10. If you are really hungry, you can call me and I will chew some snacks for you. 11. When I was in junior high school, there was a school-wide student assembly. The head teacher wanted the sports committee member to count all the girls in the class. He said to the sports committee member: Go and clear out the girls in the class. The sports committee member was flattered and asked in a low voice: Which one should I kiss first? The teacher thought for a while and said: Of course, by student number! 12. Who gave my QQ cough syrup? It feels like this penguin hasn’t coughed for a long time. 13. Men who come home early tell stories to their wives; men who come home late make up stories for their wives. 14. Others think I am bowing my head in thought, but in fact I am wondering whether I should pick up the dime on the ground. 15. Boyfriend: What do you really want? Can you please stop being unreasonable? Girlfriend: It’s unreasonable to make trouble, yes, it’s me who is making trouble unreasonably. As a man, can’t you just say sorry? If you just say sorry to me, that’s the end of it! Boyfriend: Sorry. Girlfriend: Do you think saying sorry is enough? 16. Don’t eat what’s in the spoon, look in the pot, think about what’s in the bowl, and think about what’s not in the pot yet. 17. Life is like anxiety, there are never accurate lyrics but it’s thrilling. 18. Invigilator + geographical location + friendliness of nearby comrades = test score 19. In 1987, the President of the Philippines visited China and met with Grandpa Deng. When talking about the Nansha issue, he said: At least geographically, those islands are closer to the Philippines. Grandpa Deng took a deep breath of cigarette and said: Geographically, the Philippines is also very close to China. Every time you move, we will hit you. Every time you move, we will hit you. Every time you move, we will hit you. www. Every move will hit you. Every time you move, we will hit you. The vast world is my love. 20. As soon as I weigh myself, I feel very unhappy. I don’t I want to eat when I am happy. 21. I saw a fortune teller on the street today and asked him to read my palm. After looking at it for a long time, he suddenly raised his head and looked at me with horrified eyes. Then he knelt on the ground and shouted: Long live my emperor! 22. I want stable scores to withstand the cruelty of exams. 23. The system is obviously a poor student and has to turn on the top student mode, which not only consumes power but also causes lag. 24. I also want to be an elegant lady, but life has turned me into a shrew. 25. The incredible thing about human beings is that they are the only creatures that can cut down big trees, make them into paper, and then write "protect trees" on them. Spoof QQ talk: looking back five hundred times in the past life, but in exchange for a "rogue" in this life

1. The bad student is hard, the bad student is tired, the bad student can't sleep before the test, the bad student can't do everything in the test, the bad student is very decadent after the test, the top student says he can't do everything, but in the end he got everything right in the test!

2. Don't watch AV all the time, and don't look at what's behind the keyboard A and V.

3. The little flower seller pulled me and said: Brother, buy flowers. You will know at a glance that you are a playboy.

4． Looking back five hundred times in the past life, but in exchange for a rogue sentence in this life!

5. Living the life of Bajie, but wanting the body of Wukong.

6. It is obvious that the system is a poor student and the system must be turned on to the top student mode, which not only consumes power but also causes a lot of lag.

7. During the Chinese language test, I always felt like a foreigner. During the English test, I always felt that I was Chinese. During the math test, I discovered that I was an alien.

8. Question: Does my avatar look like a cow? Answer: Like!

9． Failure is the stepmother of success. She will not help her children when they see them failing all the time.

10. As the saying goes, those who are close to pigs eat. It's not your fault that you like to eat. In the final analysis, it's because there are too many pigs around you.

11. The so-called sleepers can be summarized in eight words: spring sleepiness, summer fatigue, autumn nap, and hibernation.

12． Go to the pizzeria and buy pizza! The waiter asked me if I wanted it cut into 8 pieces or 12 pieces? I thought for a while and said: Let’s go with 8 yuan! 12 yuan is too much to finish!

13. Women are books and men are pigs. Never expect pigs to understand books.

14. Don’t think that after a breakup, you’ll never forget you even if you glance at it twice. You’ll have to look back at the toilet after you poop.

15. When problems arise, first look for the cause within yourself. Don’t blame the earth’s lack of gravity for constipation.

16． I will have a period right after graduation; I will have a wife a year after graduation; I will regret having a wife later; I will have a second wife later; and I will regret having a second wife most of all.

17. The trouble in life is: it’s time to take an exam, others are reviewing, but I’m previewing.

18. Women waste a lot of paper watching Korean dramas, so why not men watching Japanese dramas!

19. I also want to be an elegant lady, but life has forced me to become a shrew.

20. The most terrifying dream when I was a child was that I was looking for the toilet. The most terrifying thing was that I found the toilet before I woke up.

21. How long is the duration of the love you give me? Can I renew it after it expires?

22. Wait for me, kid. I must appear in your household registration book. If I can’t be your wife, I will be your stepmother!

23. Others thought I was looking down in thought, but in fact I was wondering whether I should pick up the dime on the ground.

24. A child gave me one hundred yuan and asked me to be his parent. When I got to his class teacher, I immediately knelt down: Wife, please listen to me explain that it took me five hundred times to look back at the past life in exchange for passing by in this life

Because I have loved, I will not become an enemy; Because I've been hurt, I can't be friends. If it took five hundred times of looking back at the past life to pass by in this life, then it would be wonderful to think about it! In fact, passing by each other is also a very deep fate.

Dreams, scattered with eternity, swaying the past; dreams, engraved with years, touching thoughts; dreams, wandering with nostalgia, beautiful and quiet

The rain washes the pale face , penetrated into the pupils, astringent pain, the world began to become dirty, the liquid touched at the corner of the mouth was salty and bitter, I could no longer tell whether it was the dirt of rain or the bitterness of tears!

If life is colorful, then youth must be the most beautiful part of it; if life is dynamic and blended, then youth must be the most vibrant part of it.

The hourglass is turned upside down over and over again, and the pain of life is experienced again and again. How many 99 seconds are there in life? How much courage does it take to withstand the heartache again and again?

When I said goodbye to you with tears, you just said goodbye to me coldly. My heart was broken into a thousand pieces without looking into your cold eyes.

In those past years, I learned to be sad quietly, and learned to express all the past in words, and I gradually grew old and gradually forgot.

The scattered years have left me stranded in this lonely corner of the dusk. In this lonely dark night, listening to the understanding of Yunshui Zen, this feeling can be recalled, but I was at a loss at the time.

As time goes by on the left bank, loneliness shadows the fragrance of melancholy. I wander in these empty words, mesmerized!

One part persistence, two parts sincerity, three parts vagueness, four parts pity, five cents tears, six taels tenderness, seven cups of romance, eight parts fire of love, nine tests, boiled. Perfect and perfect.

My lonely eyes were silent. When would I be discovered by the bright light, hiding in the dark corner?

The dream is gone, the heart is broken, and what is left is just preparing for departure.

The nostalgia of the past gently twists my thoughts, making me lament that it actually created the love of this life, but it also destined the tragedy of separation.

His heart has already changed seasons, but you are still standing on the day when he made the promise.

I can see the prosperity, but I can’t touch the memories.

Who has made someone’s expectations look pale, and whose persistence has been mocked. Very mean, very mean talk

Very mean, very mean talk

1. The Queen was unwell, her face turned pale, she had unbearable abdominal pain and was sweating. After diagnosis, the imperial physician concluded that the queen had an ectopic pregnancy and must undergo surgery immediately! The emperor said: The queen accompanies Lian every day and never leaves the palace. How could it be an ectopic pregnancy? Someone come! Pull out this nonsense quack and behead him!

2. I went shopping with my sister and her daughter at the mall, and the little guy was sitting on the shopping cart! While my sister was looking at the products, I pushed the shopping cart and left! Who would have expected that this little guy would actually shout for help! The looks from others are unfair to me.

3. I went to Daming Temple to burn incense. When I made a wish, I silently thought about my loved ones and asked Bodhisattva to bless them. When I got home, I realized that I had forgotten to ask Bodhisattva to bless my wife. . . Then I thought about it, my wife is so strong, she probably doesn’t need the blessing of a Bodhisattva. . . .

4. My wife used to be very cruel to me, so I asked her to learn Sanda and Judo. What now? I'm much better now. You bowed to me before you hit me!

5. I went for a walk in the park with my buddy. As I was walking, a little kid ran out from the flower stand next to me, and then hit my buddy in the face with a water gun. After the beating, he ran away quickly, and then My brother chased him wildly and wanted to beat him, but I said: Forget it, the kid is ignorant, why should I be like him? It's not a big deal. Who knew that my brother was even more excited and said to me: It’s fucking urine! It's urine

6. I saw a beautiful woman in the library, so I walked up to chat with her: Hello, classmate, please introduce yourself. I am from the computer department. How about you? She looked at me and smiled sweetly: I have nothing to do with you. Damn, what a witty girl.

7. My girlfriend’s best friend is a complete witch. She often asks me about things that happened in bed with my girlfriend. When I got annoyed, I said she was here to see my aunt, and this girl suddenly said, I will take you to my house. Play, and I guarantee you will be floating when you go downstairs! I just wanted to ask if I can go?

8. In the morning, the couple went out to the street. Wife: My dear, the cold wind is howling, where is the coldest place for you? Husband: Face Wife: But why doesn’t my face feel cold? Husband: You can try it without makeup tomorrow morning

9. Ms. Lin came to the electrical appliance store and asked: Do you sell car remote controls for cars, mahjong remote controls for mahjong, and fan remote controls for fans? Husband’s remote control? Salesperson: The remote control is an accessory and is not sold separately. It is provided by the manufacturer of the machine. Ms. Lin: Where can I buy it? Salesperson: Of course, go to your husband’s manufacturer or your mother-in-law’s house to buy it!

10. Watching the Romance of the Three Kingdoms with my wife, I said casually: What do you think I can do in the Three Kingdoms? The wife said leisurely: Tied to the straw boat, borrow arrows! I. . . .

11. In class, the absent-minded Luca was called on by the teacher to ask questions. The teacher said: Why don’t you answer, Luca, is my question difficult? Luca said: Oh, no, I completely understand the question, but the answer is difficult for me.

12. There is really no way to teach today’s children. Today I told my son: You only have one life, so cherish it. The son actually replied: Don’t you know how to cherish only when you lose it?

13. My roommate was drying the quilt, and the static electricity on the quilt shocked him. He didn’t expect this guy to say: You dare to shock me, believe it or not, I will sleep with you at night. .

14. My sister-in-law took her money-mad niece to the clinic for injections. The doctor prescribed 3 bottles of intravenous drip, and my niece started taking injections. After finishing two bottles, my niece started to fuss and said nothing. The sister-in-law had an idea and said to her niece: If you buy two bottles, you will get one free. The niece lowered her head and thought for a moment, then said: OK!

15. I asked a classmate who is a teacher: They say there is a teacher-student relationship, is there anyone chasing you? The teacher said: Whether there is someone to pursue you or not is a matter of level, but whether you accept it or not is a matter of character. As a teacher, your level cannot be low and your character cannot be bad.

16. When I was arguing with my girlfriend, I said angrily: There are thousands of women in the world, but I can change them every day if I have money! That stupid guy actually said: I can find any man in the world, but I can still do it even if I don’t have money. I'll go. .

17. Just a few days ago, I pursued a girl and bought her breakfast. I knew her dormitory number, so I sent it to the door of the dormitory. The girl refused to come out to get it, so I left it outside her dormitory door. After I left, she came out to get it and found it next door to her dormitory. Did I put it wrong?

18. During a blind date, the girl asked: What do you do for a living? Me: I am responsible for all company personnel coming in and out. The girl never contacted me after that. Later I heard that she thought I was the doorman, but in fact I was HR.

19. I went to dinner with my friends and met a weird waiter. After ordering a dish of wood-fired chicken and stewed mushrooms, my friend asked: Are you serious wood-fired chicken? The waiter said: Chaiji is indeed Chaiji. I really don’t know if it’s serious or not.

20. The company drew the Water Margin character card in the lottery. Lao Wang shouted: I drew Xiao Li Guanghua Rong! Manager: Give me a pair of bows and arrows! Lao Li shouted: I drew Lu Zhishen! Manager: Give me a bunch of Buddhist beads! I shouted: I got Wu Dalang, manager, are you going to give me a beautiful daughter-in-law? The manager smiled and said: Give me a cuckold!

21. The darkness ahead is filled with bicycles and tricycles. The car finally spotted a tractor in the crowd. He hurriedly stepped forward and patted his shoulder: Brother, I finally found someone I can talk to. The tractor knocked off his hand and said: Come on! Who is your brother? I was the one who spoke before. Look at you, you can only breathe with your butt!

22. I feel that my mother has become crazy. Due to physical reasons, my aunt is always not on time. When I had a boyfriend before, my mother would ask n times a day if she was late, are you here? ? ! Now I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s ten days late. I told my mother that I wanted to drink some Chinese medicine to heal myself. My mother actually told me that it’s okay. I don’t need to heal myself. I can also save sanitary napkins. It’s good to do it ten times a year< /p>

23. I went to a unit for an interview and went to the human resources department to see my ex-girlfriend sitting there. We looked at each other meaningfully. When we passed by the planning department, I went and my ex-girlfriend was there. Boss, why don't you just tell me if you don't want to recruit me? Why are you making all this trouble?

24. I worked in a taxi for the past two days. I had various conversations with the driver in the car until I lost my phone. The driver said that since the New Year, he has picked up seven mobile phones in one day and returned them to others. This is not the point. The point is that he dropped his phone when he got off the car. Call me on my mobile phone. It rang once and he hung up. If he tried again he would immediately shut down his phone. He was so tired!

Twenty-five. A painter wanted to paint a portrait of Wukong. Wukong took off his clothes and stood in front of the painter. The painter looked at Wukong and said: You'd better put on your clothes and I'll paint it for you! Wukong asked: Why? The artist said: There is no need to draw such monkey hair when wearing clothes, it will be faster!

26. Boss, the workers asking for wages are here again. What a hassle. If it weren't for the fact that today is the first day of the Lunar New Year, I wouldn't be able to move the broom.

I really want to sweep them all out at once. However, the broom has been taken away by the cleaner and used as salary!

27. The farthest distance in the world is when I keep looking at you and you keep looking at me on the bus. I fall in love with you at first sight, but you hold your wallet tightly.

28. Xiao Ming came home from school and a guest came to the house. His mother introduced him: This is his cousin. cousin. This is my cousin. Cousin. This is my cousin. They are all expressions! Pa, I was slapped by my mother. Xiao Ming cried aggrievedly. That’s right, Xiao Ming said while crying.

29. My son yelled that his classmates’ parents were taking them to a haunted house, and he wanted to go too. I said, “No, you’re still young and it’s easy to scare you.” My son insisted on going to a haunted house as a family over the weekend. I thought the child would be scared, but he yelled loudly as soon as he came out. I thought the ghosts were so scary! cut! It’s not as scary as when my mother is angry! ! !

Thirty. The naughty kid downstairs has just gone to school and is very naughty. His grandparents told him to study hard, and he said: If I study hard, what should I do if I get admitted to Tsinghua University? I heard that the tuition fee is expensive, can we afford it? His grandfather said: Study hard and if you can afford it, don’t worry! Naughty kid: You’re lying. In the morning, I asked you for a dollar but you said we didn’t have any money!

31. A person interviewed college students. Half of the boys said they had never watched AV, and most of the girls also said they had not watched it. They also said that although they had not watched it, they knew that all boys had watched it. Yes, and boys like to watch it.

32. Wife: Husband, do you have arthrogryposis? Me: Why do you say that? Wife: Don’t you feel that your arms are getting shorter? When we first got together, you could still wrap your arms around my waist. I. . .

Thirty-three. Male: You are so beautiful, I don’t even know how to express my love for you? Woman: Use money. Man: Our love is pure, how can it be related to money! Woman: Then use diamonds.

34. Dad, why don’t you call me by my name? You call me little thing every day. Why? Son, things mean cute. Because you are still young and look very cute, everyone calls you little thing. Oh, I think Dad is cute too. I'll call you old guy from now on. . .

Thirty-five. Wife: Wear it! Husband: It feels better if you don’t wear it. Wife: It’s safer if you wear it. Husband: Trust my skills. Wife: If you don’t wear it, I won’t let you go. Husband: You look like a man if you don’t wear one. Wife: Are you annoyed? Will you die if you wear a helmet while riding a motorcycle?

36. When a man came home from a business trip, he did not tell his family. When he arrived at the door of his house, he secretly Put your ear against the door and eavesdrop on the conversation inside. The son said: Mom, I miss my dad so much! Mom: Come on, let’s call Dad! The man was moved to tears outside, so he took out his cell phone and waited for half an hour, but the call never came. . . But the conversation was lively inside

37. The difference between my husband and me is that he watches country love and I watch Korean dramas! Each voice got louder than the last, and when I was about to pull out a tissue to wipe my tears, he was laughing loudly! The battle between ice and fire!

Thirty-eight, Aguang bought a kitten and loved it very much. But the kitten was very naughty, so Aguang taught it a lesson: Lambs know how to kneel to breastfeed, and crows know how to feed in return. I feed you delicious food every day, why don’t you know how to repay me? Unexpectedly, the next day, a half-eaten mouse appeared on Aguang's dining table.

Thirty-nine. I just went to the toilet, and a strange man came next door, squatting in the pit and talking on the phone. The content is as follows: "My dear, I am eating. I am eating now. It tastes pretty good. I will bring you to try it another day. Well, okay. Goodbye, baby!"

Forty, summer, at home My dog ??had a skin disease, and my wife used Fuyanjie to wash it, and the effect was very good. One day, my wife went to buy Fuyanjie for the dog. The clerk came over and said that if you use some topical ointment after washing, it will heal faster. My wife thought about it and said seriously, if you can't apply the ointment, he will lick it! The clerk's eyes almost fell out. My wife realized that she had been misunderstood, and explained, I meant that my dog ??can lick! ! Wife, have you really explained it clearly? !

41. Watch two kindergarten children playing a ball guessing game. One child takes a table tennis ball and three cups, turns the cup over to cover the ball and moves it, and then asks the other child to guess. You can always guess every game! I was watching from the side, and what I wanted to say in my heart was: Boy, you can’t play this game with a transparent cup!

42. Ask your husband: If you had money, would you buy me a plane to go to work? My husband said: Yes.

I said: You are so rich and you still let me go to work? What should I do if someone makes me angry? My husband said: If you see someone unhappy, hit them with a plane!

43. A buddy showed off his shiny gold watch to the girl across from him and said: A good watch is a good one. It was more than 20 minutes late a few days ago, and it took less than five days to catch up. ! I was holding it in until I was injured internally!

Forty-four. A couple was having an quarrel. The man didn't speak at first. Then he suddenly started talking: First, we are husband and wife! Second, we are people with higher education, knowledge, culture and quality! Third, you are the one who says you want to go shopping today, and you are the one who says you don’t want to go shopping! Why are you angry with me? The woman raised her head and said: I am happy