Chen Nailing (seeing a therapist in a psychological counseling center) just keeps "just right" care. There is no need to pursue perfection in everything. The care process is not a competition to take care of sick old people at home, nor is it an exam. There is no need to ask for full marks in everything. In the life of care, mutual comfort is the most important key. Need to pay time will not be short, need to pay the heart will not be less, good care, in order to keep your body and mind in the most stable state. An accidental stroke many years ago left Allen's mother in a state of nursing, unable to move and needing full-time companionship. Allen, then a civil servant, wanted to work for a few more years and save more money. He applied for retirement in advance because of his mother's condition, and took care of his mother at home with the help of his pension and his brother. Allen always takes care of any consumables or nutriments that his mother wants to use, carefully studies and compares them before buying, and takes care of his mother in every possible way. Allen was very nervous when her mother yawned, worrying whether she was ill or accidentally made her too tired. Even if I am awakened by the slightest sound in the middle of the night, I will carefully patrol it every time before I can fall asleep. I haven't slept for more than four hours. Sometimes Allen's younger brother takes turns to take care of his mother at night, but Allen is always worried. Even on the day when his younger brother came to help, Allen would get up in the middle of the night to check and make sure that there was no problem before going to bed. It is useless for his brother to persuade him. Allen just let his mother's every move affect his nerves. For a long time, the tight pressure made her have to take sleeping pills to fall asleep. Faced with such a caregiver's physical and mental state, we can start with a proper term "good enough mother" in psychology. This word was invented by the famous British psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott (1896- 197 1) in the book On the Relationship between Parents and Babies, which means that there is a "good enough mother" between a good mother and bad mother, and this is just right. The same is true of nursing. If you want to pursue good care, it is better to relax your mind and "take good care." This is not laziness, nor does it mean that you don't love your family, but that you should pursue good care, which will make caregivers gradually forget and lose themselves. It takes a lot of effort to get close to the so-called good care, which is not a long-term solution to take care of your family. Only good care, let caregivers breathe between good and bad, and achieve a balanced relationship between taking care of family members and taking care of themselves, is a long-term solution. (Editor's recommendation: Zu Yunlang: The best filial piety to take care of a father with dementia is unfilial) * Don't care too much. What is good nursing? In fact, the key lies in the caregiver. There is nothing wrong with caring and being cautious, but is there a tendency to care too much? Melody Beattie, a famous American psychological inspirational writer, also put forward the same discussion in The New Co Dependence: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation, and helped us to check whether we are prone to excessive care. Please see if we have the following situation. Chen Nailing (seeing a therapist in a psychological counseling center) just keeps "just right" care. There is no need to pursue perfection in everything. The care process is not a competition to take care of the sick elderly at home, nor is it an exam. There is no need to ask for full marks in everything. In the life of care, mutual comfort is the most important key. Need to pay time will not be short, need to pay the heart will not be less, good care, in order to keep your body and mind in the most stable state. An accidental stroke many years ago left Allen's mother in a state of nursing, which made her unable to move and required full-time companionship. Allen, a civil servant at that time, wanted to work for a few more years and save more money. He applied for retirement in advance because of his mother's condition, and took care of his mother at home with the help of his pension and his brother. Allen always takes care of any consumables or nutriments that his mother wants to use, carefully studies and compares them before buying, and takes care of his mother in every possible way. Allen was very nervous when her mother yawned, worrying whether she was ill or accidentally made her too tired. Even if I am awakened by the slightest sound in the middle of the night, I will carefully patrol it every time before I can fall asleep. I haven't slept for more than four hours. Sometimes Allen's younger brother takes turns to take care of his mother at night, but Allen is always worried. Even on the day when his younger brother came to help, Allen would get up in the middle of the night to check and make sure that there was no problem before going to bed. It is useless for his brother to persuade him. Allen just let his mother's every move affect his nerves. For a long time, the tight pressure made her have to take sleeping pills to fall asleep. Faced with such a caregiver's physical and mental state, we can start with a proper term "good enough mother" in psychology. This word was invented by the famous British psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott (1896- 197 1) in the book On the Relationship between Parents and Babies, which means that there is a "good enough mother" between a good mother and bad mother, and this is just right. The same is true of nursing. If you want to pursue good care, it is better to relax your mind and "take good care." This is not laziness, nor does it mean that you don't love your family, but that you should pursue good care, which will make caregivers gradually forget and lose themselves. It takes a lot of effort to get close to the so-called good care, which is not a long-term solution to take care of your family. Only good care, let caregivers breathe between good and bad, and achieve a balanced relationship between taking care of family members and taking care of themselves, is a long-term solution. (Editor's recommendation: Zu Yunlang: The best filial piety to take care of a father with dementia is unfilial) * Don't care too much. What is good nursing? In fact, the key lies in the caregiver. There is nothing wrong with caring and being cautious, but is there a tendency to care too much? Melody Beattie, a famous American psychological inspirational writer, also put forward the same discussion in The New Co Dependence: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation, and helped us to check whether we are prone to excessive care. Please see if we have the following situation. ◎ Put other people's responsibilities on yourself and do things you don't want to do. Although Xiaomei's brother will go to the hospital to help his father take a bath after work and let him go home to rest for a few hours before coming to the hospital to take care of his father, he will push his father away or worry about whether his brother can take care of him alone, so he will delay and urge him again and again. He often bathes his father with his brother and then goes home to rest, but his brother thinks it's not the first time to bathe his father. In fact, he doesn't need to worry about his sister. ◎ Doing what they can and must do for others is actually encouraging self-reliance in the care of delaying the degradation of elders, that is to say, if it is something that the cared-for person can do by himself, let him do it as much as possible, such as going to the toilet, eating, bathing, brushing his teeth, washing his face and combing his hair ... so that the cared-for person can make a difference, not relying entirely on the caregiver, but also delaying the degradation of physical function. Therefore, caregivers should not worry about everything, but want to help others do a good job, which may sometimes backfire and others may not be grateful. If the elders want to eat by themselves, caregivers should not simply feed themselves faster, which saves cleaning, because food will be spilled everywhere. After a long time, elders will get used to being fed, leading to hand muscle degeneration. Don't wait for the other party to ask for help, take the initiative to deal with the other party's needs. For example, the state of elders is that they can go to the toilet with crutches. We can ask outside if anyone needs help, and call me if necessary. Try not to look at the door open (privacy issues), and help pass the toilet paper at any time, which can be done by the elders themselves. In fact, elders don't necessarily like someone to help them go to the toilet when their physical conditions permit. Sometimes help needs the consent of others, but it's not that you are ignorant and others don't need it, and then blame others for ingratitude or ingratitude. I will get involved in things that have nothing to do with me. When I was taking care of my family in the hospital, I couldn't help but want to make suggestions when I heard the discussion in the next bed. If you see the lights in the next room, you will think: Why don't they turn off the lights? I can't help but comment, participate or interfere in things that have nothing to do with me. It seems enthusiastic, but it's a bit out of my jurisdiction. When others ask us for help, we do more than our duty. People in Taiwan Province Province are world-famous, but we sometimes ignore whether this kind of help is beyond our abilities and specialties. Help beyond our own responsibilities will make us take on other people's responsibilities, consume our energy excessively, and others can't learn and grow from it. For example, your family asked you to make an appointment for a doctor's clinic, but this month's clinic was full, and you felt very anxious, so you spent a lot of time processing registration. In fact, you can reply to the family's full outpatient service first, and then see if you need other help, instead of shouldering the needs of others. (Editor's recommendation: Hou Changming takes care of his demented father for 19, and "No Silence Every Day" brings five inspirations) ◎ We must help others when they don't need help, not wishful thinking. We must help others if they don't ask for help, but this kind of help is narcissistic and causes trouble to others. For example, my daughter and mother said: I don't need to help me prepare breakfast, but my mother is still afraid that her daughter's breakfast is not rich and nutritious, and she still helps her daughter prepare breakfast regardless of her daughter's wishes and needs. This kind of help is not helpful to the relationship. ◎ We pay too much unilaterally and pay inequality to each other. When you are used to giving, you are not used to receiving. It's easy to give, but it's not easy to accept others' kindness, small gifts and compliments ... so the relationship between the two sides is naturally unbalanced, because one side always pays endlessly, which will also cause pressure on the other side. Because it can't give back equally, it will want to keep a distance to reduce the pressure, but it won't help the relationship. Too busy dealing with other people's feelings and problems, ignoring your own concern: "why do you wear so little, and you have to see a doctor when you have a cold? Why does he talk like this, and your work has not been smooth recently?" It's really worrying ... "I seldom hear sentences that begin with" I "to express my feelings and needs, and I'm usually busy taking care of others and helping them solve problems, but in fact I need help most, because everyone only needs to be responsible for themselves. Help others clean up, others don't have to do anything. For example, every weekend, my brother and his family go home to see their mother. At the end of the party, everyone will start cleaning up the dishes and rubbish on the table. At this time, my sister will say no! I'll clean it up Go home first! Although I feel very tired occasionally, whenever everyone wants to clean up together, they will unconsciously say "I'll do it." Speak for others, don't let others express their opinions. For example, accompanying my mother to see a doctor. When the doctor asked for advice, your daughter interrupted your mother and helped her answer, as if she knew her mother's illness better, but the patient was the main body. You can ask the patient to speak first and the nurse to supplement. Don't deprive patients of the opportunity to speak for themselves. When a group of people do one thing together, we will unconsciously get used to paying more than others, fearing that we will be ashamed of others and pursue a clear conscience too much, so we must never do less than others, and would rather pay more than be lazy. I have high moral standards in my heart, and I may have the same standard expectations for others if I am not careful. ◎ What do you want to eat without telling your own needs? Both will do. What do you think of eating this? Look at you. I can do it. This is a birthday present for you. Alas! Don't waste money. I am not used to expressing my needs. It is uncomfortable to accept gifts and compliments from others, and it is difficult to express my needs. The deep subconscious is: I don't deserve to be loved, I can't be happy, I can't enjoy myself, so it's not easy to tell others what I need, and I feel unimportant and don't care. ◎ Only take care of other people's feelings and put aside your own emotions or unresolved things. Just like being a sister. In the face of her mother's cancer, she always comforted her sad father and sister-in-law. Only in the dead of night did she realize that her heart needed comfort. Even if she is surprised, sad and disappointed, and is experiencing the pain of possible divorce, she will not tell her family for fear. Too considerate, considerate of others, putting other people's feelings before their own, taking other people's affairs more important than their own, always suppressing their inner feelings, reporting good news instead of worrying, taking care of the overall situation too much, and sometimes being considerate makes others feel distressed. (Editor's recommendation: A person's greatest misfortune is that he doesn't love himself) ◎ Make excuses for others, but he doesn't know himself. Xiao Ming saw that his father became unhappy because of illness, and his younger brother took a part-time job in order to increase his family income. But Xiao Ming still thinks that his younger brother doesn't go home much because he can't accept his father's illness, but in fact, Xiao Ming is also full of desire to go home and see the pressure of his father. Looking at the father who once supported this family, he is now down, and his heart is full. It's just that he focuses on his younger brother instead, so as to avoid touching his inner situation and feelings. If you don't get the reward you deserve, you usually ignore your own needs and are not used to expressing them. You often give unconsciously, others don't know how to repay you. Maybe the other person thanks you for the gift, and you will say, "No, don't spend money." "And rejected the kindness of others, the next time people don't know whether to send you something, thank you. After a long time, it will also lead to not getting the due return. I can't help wanting to take care of others, but I don't know when to stop. Seeing that others may need help, they can't help but go forward, but the parties may want to come by themselves. For example, a recovering stroke patient will struggle to practice standing or walking again, and each step will be laborious or slow. Although the patient has indicated that he wants to recover on his own and needs to ask for help again, the over-caregiver will still be tempted to come forward to help. * Take care of your family, and don't forget to calm down and see if this kind of care or help for others is the needs of others or your own needs; Do others really need your help, or do you habitually give you the value, sense of accomplishment and security by taking care of others? A good mother will take good care of her family and herself, because a happy mother can bring a good family and emotionally stable children. Taking care of every day is the same. Keeping your mental and physical strength in a state of not overworking will naturally make you more calm, and people who are taken care of can also feel your positive energy. Because there is really no 100% care, only "just right" care. Take care of your family, and don't forget that you need to be taken care of, too. Without a stable nurse, you can't give quality care. The warm heart of the psychologist reminds you not to take care of your family too much and forget yourself. Just take care of yourself so as not to fall. Only caregivers who are physically and mentally stable can provide quality care. This article is excerpted from "Unleashing the shackles of care: a long-term photo class that is compulsory in life, what you must know to take care of your family"/Chen Ding (meeting the therapist at the psychological counseling center)/Yu Wenchuang's four pieces.