Text | Mi Meng

When I was a child, my next gay senior grew up and had a husband.

This is no joke. It's true.

I love being asked, "How did you and your husband meet?" At this time, I will slow down and pretend to be low-key and say, "We are kindergarten classmates."

Roll each other's eyes.

I then broke the news: "We were classmates in elementary school and junior high school."

The other person's eyes are magnified twice.

"Actually, we are colleagues now, in the same office."

The other person's eyes finally left the window.

4 years old

We live in the same alley and go to the same kindergarten. After class, I play the queen, a charming boy in the class plays the emperor, and Luo plays the maid-in-waiting in turn. His biggest responsibility is to follow me with small steps to see the "Royal Garden"-everyone is fascinated by a rocky rockery in front of the kindergarten toilet.

One day, I had a full meal and had nothing to do to recall this past. I told my classmate Luo that if I had known that we were husband and wife now, I would have crossed back like that hero, at least promoted you to a bodyguard with a knife and molested you if something happened! By the way, what would you do if I really molested you?

Luo said without thinking, I'm going to cry.

I don't even understand the hidden rules. Luo is a virgo who pays attention to principles. He is upright and upright.

8 years old

In the second grade of primary school, Luo fell in a puddle and got 14 stitches on his forehead. As a monitor, I organized several class committees to visit his home with humanistic care and looked at him for a long time around the crooked wound. When he left, he lay in his hospital bed and watched us go out affectionately.

"Were you particularly moved?" I asked.

"no! Our family finally bought a whole box of egg rolls, and you guys ate them all. I was depressed for a few days. " Luo is still suffering.

I even dare to guess that he claimed to have a secret crush on me 1 1 year, chased me for 7 years, and went through a lot of hardships to be with me. Is it actually to get back at the "Egg Roll Door Incident"?

nine years old

In the third grade of primary school, I was on duty with my classmate Luo. Anyone who has seen Naoko Takagi's Life of 150cm knows that Habibie is most afraid of cleaning the blackboard, because we are too short to reach the upper part of the blackboard. But classmate Luo confidently asked me to step on the bench and said, "I'm not tall either."

He is not tall. He's amazing.

The problem is that in three years of high school, he jumped directly from 165cm to 180cm. How can it be as easy as opening an article?

I am 152cm, and he is 180cm. Our love spans 28cm. 28cm, the fastest snail in the world, that is, Liu Xiang in the snail world, is also 1 minute. Because of the height difference, I often suspect that we live in different atmospheres. Every day he looks down at me, and it is estimated that the place he is most familiar with is the top of my head. When my girlfriends declared that they were "fed up with short boyfriends", his height was an embarrassing waste for me.

Teacher Luo didn't care about this, saying: People shorter than me are all short, so it makes no difference to me whether you are 152cm or 172cm.

I've always wanted to say, should he see an ophthalmologist?

12 years old

In the first grade of junior high school, one day after school, I went to the carport to get my car. Finally, I found my car among a group of cars, took the key and turned it for a long time. The lock seems to be broken, but I can't get it open. I was so anxious that my uncle in the school security room helped me unlock the lock. Almost succeeded. Suddenly a girl next to me, with a dark mouth and a dark face, said to me, "classmate, this is my car."

I can't wait to go underground.

It happened that at this time, Luo was also carried into the car, laughing out of breath like watching a play. A month later, classmate Luo saw me and said, "classmate, this is my car."

In front of him, the chances of embarrassment soared. Even if we are together in the future, we can't escape this spell. Just moved to my new home, I came home from work and rang the doorbell. He opened the door and saw it was me, blaming me and saying, "Why are you hiding?" I looked through the peephole for a long time, but no one was there. "

"I didn't hide. I will always be here. " Heaven and earth conscience, obviously because I am much shorter than the peephole, of course he can't see it.

13 years old

On the second day of junior high school, during a summer vacation of more than 50 days, I watched Japanese dramas on the Chinese channel of Phoenix Satellite TV from morning till night, and ate snacks. I finally grew into a fat man.

"Did you think I was fat?" Similar questions are said to occupy the top three most frequently asked questions by women for a long time.

Luo said sincerely, "No, you were not fat since you were a child!" " "

"What about me now? I am very fat recently. I thought it was summer expansion and contraction! " I insist on asking questions.

Luo continued to show loyalty: "You are not fat! Really! I never thought you were fat! "

Touch ... I'm a little confused! Lying with your eyes open is a long-lost virtue of mankind! Thanks to CCTV, thanks to my company, thanks to Luo, let me jump further and further on the road of self-deception.

At this time, in order to strengthen the authenticity of his speech, Luo made a historical and objective supplement: you are not fat, you are just short.

14 years old

In the third grade, Luo established a good reputation as a "miser" in his class. We went to his house to draw a blackboard newspaper, but he wouldn't let us wash our hands because it would waste him a few cents on water. The teacher invited us to eat rice noodles. He wiped his used sanitary chopsticks with toilet paper and put them in his schoolbag, ready to take them home for recycling. He sold me a set of Zodiac stamps in 2 yuan at the sky-high price in 5 yuan. The point is, it was later discovered that this set of stamps was fake.

When he was in college, he went to the Statistics Department of China Renmin University. This department is not only super suitable for misers, but also super important and practical. Every time Shenzhen Mao Ye Department Store engages in activities such as buying 220 and getting 200 free, I feel dizzy because I buy too much and need him to go out in person.

Our leader asked Luo: Who is in charge of money in your family?

Luo said proudly, I am.

The leader approved: Look, who said that Sichuan boys "rake their ears" (henpecked)! Come on, tell me how you manage your money and teach you experience!

Luo explained: Well, when I get paid every month, I will transfer the money to my wife's account, and she will take as much as she wants. I will pay the utilities and property management fees. ...

The leader immediately changed his face: You call this financial management? You are just a cashier.

18 years old

I went to Beijing to play in the winter vacation of my freshman year, and Luo was responsible for the reception. The first time I heard him switch from Sichuan dialect to Mandarin, I was shocked. Tongue sticking and nasal sounds are his two dead points. He read the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl like this: the wolf flows to moisten Lu. "Shanlana", a difficult word that needs to be quickly converted between tongue warping, front nasal sound and back nasal sound, directly gives up the right to speak.

Sometimes this kind of obstacle directly affects our communication. I told my classmate Luo that I know a man from Nine Cities who can help him to ask for some toys for World of Warcraft games. Luo thought for a long time and said, "Well, all right, help me get some dead toys!" " "

"Dead private? What is the secret? Is it a dead body? " I'm a little confused.

"No, it isn't. It's private! " Luo corrected.

I continued to be puzzled and frowned and sighed.

Luo couldn't stand it: "You are so stupid! Through death, private song! Die privately! Grab it! ! !"

Oh, he's talking about epic toys. Passing the Chinese exam is not that difficult.

22 years old

At the summer reunion of my senior year, I talked about how she looked like the beauty queen of Lin Xilei. I said, Wow, she is super beautiful. Then ask the boys for advice. Luo was forced by me for a long time and squeezed out a few comments: Is she good-looking? I don't think so. I thought to myself, how picky! To make him feel beautiful, he must be a monster.

The truth is out, I am the monster himself. In Luo's list of beautiful women, Jennifer Aniston, and ranked second, third, fourth and fifth respectively. 1 That's me.

Of course, most people who have seen my photos and real people have lamented his aesthetic deviation after listening to this conclusion, and a few have the urge to hit him directly.

Every time he was questioned, Luo confidently questioned others: My wife looks the best. The whole world knows that.

It is easy to be blind once, but it is difficult to be blind every time.

25 years old

"I know the world is changing rapidly, but as long as I feel uneasy in the real world, as long as I calm down and think about you, I will be calm. Maybe we haven't seen each other for years, but I still like you. Sometimes when I think of an article about moths in Southern Weekend, I feel as if I am writing about myself, and I feel very cold. Is fate decided instantly or persisted for a long time? I don't know, I'd rather choose to continue dreaming. " Seeing this passage in his email to me and refusing to be with him again, I am not normal.

I am nine months older than him 10 days, which is exactly the time distance from conception to delivery. He said, it was because I was born that he was reincarnated later. Therefore, we were successfully born in the same small city and lived close enough. He made a long-term plan and decided that we would be together forever. As for whether we will both become homosexuals in the next life, he doesn't mind at all.

After more than ten years of orthodox materialism education, I believe in fate and reincarnation. This story tells us that the education system in China is a failure.

26 years old

We bought the so-called "luxury house" in Shenzhen. Luo Jia made a down payment of 200,000 yuan, and we will make a monthly payment together. The real estate license only wrote my name. Good-hearted people who are ready to eliminate violence and uphold justice ask him, if anything happens to your's feelings, isn't this house yours?

In this regard, Luo has a famous saying: My favorite woman is gone, why do I need a house?

Recently, my classmate Luo and I are planning how to save some money for our son to get married and buy a house in the future. It's too late to recover-my son is half a year old!

Of course, before that, you should write a note in your family instructions: never learn statistics. Mark the key points with a red pen. Otherwise, a good girl who studies statistics has become a lover. Wouldn't she take advantage of my future daughter-in-law in vain (although it was a long time later)?

3 1 year

We have two main entertainments. First of all, we regard Lu's son as a toy. He looks like a baby. Second, imagine how to spend it after winning 1 100 million in the lottery.

Tianya netizens said that masturbation strengthens the body and conceals people's eyes and ears. We often engage in very patriotic psychosexuality. Since the capital has 65438+ billion yuan, do you want a nanny with all-round development in morality, intelligence, physique and beauty to earn 3000 yuan or 5000 yuan a month? Do you want to eat Kobe beef in Tokyo by private jet or African lion meatballs in Beverly Hills Hotel, California? Should I cut the ribbon and buy an island for a celebration dinner? These questions hurt our hearts.

When our fantasy has been around the earth for several weeks and rushed out of the galaxy to reach the top of the universe, I rationally raised an extremely realistic question. First, we must move to Chengdu and buy a big villa in Qingcheng Mountain!

Luo's first reaction is:

Can't leave Shenzhen

Why? I don't understand.

Luo firmly said: Our baby's children's insurance (children's medical insurance) is in Shenzhen!

At this time, I suddenly realized that the cheapskate hasn't changed at all when he was a child. He is still there.

-Excerpt from Youth Digest