Hello, sister:

I want to ask you something about puppy love. I really didn't know how to fix it myself, so I came to consult my sister.

Now the child 17 years old, will soon be a senior three. It's also adolescence, and I can't say anything about her. After all, children should be respected, but puppy love really gives me a headache. As for how I know about her puppy love, please don't laugh. I asked her friend to tell me with some small hands.

What I owe her is the lack of maternal love. She has her own ideas and should respect her as a teacher and friend. I was busy with my career and neglected to accompany my children. Now my business is stable and my children have grown up. I feel that I am not a qualified father and missed many stages of my child's growth.

She doesn't give me time to communicate with me now, and I don't know what to say.

In fact, my daughter is very independent and sensible, and rarely asks for money from her family. My daughter, like me when I was a child, likes to work hard by herself. Although she sometimes makes some principled mistakes, I try not to give her children too much pressure, restraint, stumbling and obstruction. Because I often tell her that even if all the roads are impassable, there is still one way to go, and that is the way home.

What should I do? I look forward to your advice very much. Thank you!

Your readers chase the morning.

Brother chasing the morning:

I wonder if you have read Fu Lei's letter? I have benefited a lot from reading this book these days.

This book extracts dozens of letters from Mr. Fu Lei and his son Fu Cong, all of which are the details of his in-depth communication with his son during his study abroad.

As a mother, I read these letters from home and learned how to communicate with children better and how to grasp the scale of educating children. However, it is said that you can learn from other people's experience and increase your wisdom.

There is also a knot between Mr. Fu Lei and his son Fu Cong. Mr. Fu Lei disciplined his children severely in his early years, and his methods were too extreme. Usually, there are some things at hand that can be directly imposed on Fu Cong.

On one occasion, he picked up a plate and threw it at Fu Cong, cutting Fu Cong's nose and leaving Fu Cong with a scar forever. Fu Cong once told Jiang Yang, a good friend of his parents, "My father hurt when he hit me!" ! It is common to slap in the face.

On one occasion, Fu Lei actually tied Fu Cong to the door, letting the neighbors see that Fu Cong was disobedient, as a warning to Fu Cong.

Often beating and cursing made Fu Cong very rebellious, and Fu Lei began to reflect on his educational methods.

Especially after Fu Cong went abroad, Mr. Fu Lei made a profound introspection, feeling that he was too eager for his children's success and felt guilty about the physical and mental harm caused by them. This kind of education made him feel pain himself. Worried that children will go far away and become more and more alienated from themselves. I started writing letters to communicate with Fu Cong.

Of course, this kind of communication should also have skills, not just preaching. After all, the mountain is high and the emperor is far away. If children want to listen to you, ways and means are very important.

In his first letter, he said:

Son, I abused you, and I will always be sorry for you. I can't atone!

What I spent with your painful childhood was the prime of my life when I didn't know the art of fatherhood. Fortunately, you have a blessing, and no matter how hard you hit it, it can't be extinguished, thus reducing some of my sins. But the result is one thing, and the facts of that year are another. Although I buried my past, I can never bury my mistakes. Kid! Kid! Kid! How can I hug you to express my regret and love?

I think as long as a reasonable child, he will be moved by his father's sincere apology and reflection.

Later, the father and son exchanged more letters. Fu Lei's feudal paternalistic storm disappeared, and more was the cordial communication between friends.

No matter in life, in the details of life, in artistic accomplishment, or in playing posture. Fu Cong is over 20 years old, and he is still tirelessly telling Fu Cong: What should I do if I meet my elders in other people's homes? My hands droop when I talk to my elders. Hang the scarf and coat in the cloakroom when you enter the room, and don't bump the knife and fork when you eat western food ... I have benefited a lot from reading it now.

Especially in Fu Cong's love, Mr. Fu Lei gave his own example to illustrate his point of view. It is said that your mother fell in love with me at the age of 14, and she was engaged. Later, I went abroad to study and came back in my twenties. In the meantime, I also had repeated experiences. It is normal that people will have different views when they go out to see the world. I don't advise you to spend too much energy on this problem so early. And judging from your current situation, it's too vague. Basically, every relationship is about one year. I think it affects your study too much. At present, I suggest you focus on your studies.

I think in this respect, you can communicate with your children by letter like Mr. Fu Lei. This is also the usual method of psychological counselors. Generally used to repair the relationship between husband and wife, I think we can follow suit for things that are prone to contradictions and difficult to communicate. Because there will be no direct conflict with each other, we can communicate more effectively and say everything we want to say.

Some words are too simple to say with our mouths, especially if they hurt each other, we will say them without thinking. We didn't know it was too heavy until the other party bounced back. Writing down requires thinking and writing, and one more step is often more cautious.

Just like playing badminton, one side is weak, and the other side doesn't have to use too much force. When the other person sees that your attitude has softened, she will also soften. The truly effective communication lies in the fact that both sides can chat calmly, listen to each other's voice attentively, and then give each other the most sincere and innermost feelings.

You can tell her your feelings, for example, you owe her, and now you feel guilty. You want to make up for it, but you don't know where to start and you are not good at communication. I hope she can give you a chance. Sincerely confess, I believe there will be good results.

As you said in this passage, "In fact, my daughter is very independent and sensible, and rarely asks for money from her family. My daughter liked to work hard by herself when she was a child. Although she sometimes makes some principled mistakes, I try not to give her children too much pressure, restraint, stumbling and obstruction. Because I often tell her that even if all roads fail, there is still one way to go, and that is the way home. " I think it's very good. It not only affirmed her daughter, but also gave her a sense of security. When she feels tired, the thought of this passage will warm her heart and make her strong.

The first letter is written in this way, which can ease the relationship between you and bring you closer. Then say that you are looking forward to her reply. If she replies and her attitude changes, you can write and tell her your concern. Tell her that if she can handle those things well, it won't affect her study and you respect her. You can care about her from her father's point of view, but don't accuse or preach. Preaching is the most annoying thing.

But I think from your evaluation of your daughter, she should be able to handle her own affairs. You may worry too much. But I can understand your concern for your children as a father.

Of course, you can be more empathetic. Remember when you were young in your letter and tell her what you did then. Telling stories is always loved. She will be interested in what happened when you were a child, and she will think that you are sincere when you open your heart to her.

In short, step by step, don't rush it.

what do you think?

I hope you don't find this method troublesome. I think it's the best communication method you can choose at present. Give it a try! Wait for good news ~

PS: Recently, my two treasures are getting bigger and bigger and more naughty. Their energy is limited and they haven't updated for a long time. If you have any questions, you can continue to consult, but the writing speed is a little slow.

-End-

Li Juan: A native of Ankang, Shaanxi, now lives in Kunshan, Jiangsu. I love reading and writing, and I am also good at emotional counseling. Personalized signature "left hand is scholarly, right hand stinks". Thank you for meeting you. I hope we can be good friends.