China also has two children, who reminisce about their mother when they grow up. After reading Li Nanyang's I Have Such a Mother and Yang Mo, the mother of an old ghost, we find that their mother has become the pain of their life, which is inseparable from that special era. Without the mother's family role, it seems that only praise is left in China's works. The article "Memories of Autumn", which has entered the middle school Chinese textbook, is full of Mr. Shi Tiesheng's regret for missing his late mother.

I didn't stay with my mother until I was eight years old. Eight years of separation caused our relationship to be irretrievable from the fierce conflict in my adolescence. Seeing young mothers around them sending their children to their parents in order not to affect their enjoyment of the years, I really want to write an article about my personal experience and tell them that their choice is probably to exchange regrets for temporary pleasure.

I didn't have the courage to write this article after all, because I can't imagine how tolerant readers here are of an article that "punishes" their mother. Therefore, after reading Mr. Chen Fumin's article "Watching You from afar-Some words about my mother" published in the fifth issue of Sinan Literature 20 19, I am very happy that a China writer finally dared to liquidate the great harm caused by the lack of my mother's family role: "My father is a kind man, and there is no right and wrong. When my mother was inexplicably angry and unhappy, there was nothing he could do, and the family atmosphere was more solidified. I think it is this forgiveness that made the author's mother make such a move in front of the whole family when she left: "Say in a weak but clear voice,' The best person for me is not here'".

The word "filial piety" has become an umbrella for parents to do whatever they want. They must feel that even if they do incredible things to their children, they dare not comment on themselves after death. The two iron laws of respect and filial piety for the deceased will definitely help children to become good fathers or good mothers in everyone's mouth.

In fact, the two iron laws of respecting and honoring the dead have been implanted into our thinking habits for so long.

Not long ago, I visited a relative's house and witnessed a scene where my 50-year-old daughter was furious with her 90-year-old mother.

Because of hidden illness, the beaten little mother gave her daughter meticulous care, from spirit to money. It is clear to the beholder that the mother's transitional care has made her daughter perverse and selfish. She has never been married, of course, because of physical reasons, but also because she has developed a bad temper that no one can tolerate except her mother. The right and wrong between mother and daughter, like a tangled hemp rope, can still be distinguished by latitude and longitude. For example, mothers are responsible for the growth of their daughters. Nevertheless, on that day, when my daughter shouted "You are always haunting me like ghosts and shadows" to her old mother, everyone present, including me, felt: "How can my daughter shout such words to her 90-year-old mother? Too ignorant, too unfilial. " Yes, the old mother made a mistake, which was a well-meaning mistake; The daughter's attack on her mother was malicious slander.

2. What can we see if we look at the conflict between two generations in the family from another angle like a kaleidoscope?

If I didn't get the book in time, a person who holds the certificate of national second-class psychological counselor like me wouldn't look at her 50-year-old daughter yelling at her 90-year-old mother from another angle like Wan Wan.

The book I got in time was Home of Origin: How to Repair My Personality Defects, co-written by Susan Forward and Craig Barker.

This is a classic of psychological healing. Like all such books, Coming from a Family: How to Repair Your Personality Defects is divided into two parts. In the first part, the author lists what kind of families can be sure to be toxic in eight chapters through vivid cases; In the second part, the author echoes the characters and cases in the first part with seven chapters. Finally, he gives a good prescription on how to get rid of the influence of drug addicts and how to repair his character defects formed by years of immersion in drug addicts.

At the beginning of reading this book, I didn't realize that the cases I mentioned in the first section of the article could be disassembled from the psychological point of view until I finished reading the preface written by the author himself, Poisoning Parents and Poisoning Children.

The preface mentions a case: Gordon is a 38-year-old successful plastic surgeon. After his wife left him for six years, he found Susan, the author of this book, and wanted her to find a good plan for herself and keep her. Like all psychologists, Susan began to peel bamboo shoots, and bit by bit touched the core reason why Gordon's wife left him. It turns out that when Gordon was a child, his father used to whip him two or three times a week. "I used to be scared to death, but shouldn't parents be like this?" Reason made Gordon reluctantly accept his father's beating, but emotionally Gordon accumulated hatred for his father without realizing it. After growing up to be a doctor and a woman's husband, people only see that Gordon will be angry with his wife once the excessive pressure of work and life is on his shoulders. People also judged that his wife left him because Gordon had a serious personality defect. Through psychological counseling with Gordon again and again, Susan, the author of The House of Origin, believes that Gordon's bad temper is a matter of whether it is the result or not, and Gordon's reckless rage against his wife is the result of his father whipping him two or three times a week when he was a child. After being beaten up, hatred for his father accumulated in Gordon's heart. The volcano did not dare to erupt at his father who seemed to be stronger than himself, but aimed at his closer wife. It was Gordon's bad temper that scared away his wife, but who implanted it in Gordon's body? Susan thinks that Gordon's personality defect is caused by a toxic family-this statement touches me: everyone has a certain degree of personality defect, but I always think it is congenital. Even acquired personality defects are the result of a person's self-indulgence.

While reading the House of Origin and thinking hard about Susan's "Poison Theory", I will feel more and more that what Susan said is true.

Third, changing one's opinion will be redeemed.

Poisonous families lead to or amplify children's personality defects after poisoning them. In this case, children can repair their personality defects by blocking the intimate relationship with toxic families.

The question is, is it true that people with personality defects are victims of toxic families?

Susan may have been questioned by her patients and readers. Therefore, in the first part of this book, Toxic Family Behavior Patterns, the author lists a large number of cases: Sandy who can't find herself after being excessively suppressed by her parents, Les who is particularly lonely under the influence of incompetent parents, and Mike who lost his life under the control of controlling parents. ...

Wait, the scene I witnessed when my 50-year-old daughter scolded her 90-year-old mother was her resistance to her controlling mother? "You are like a ghost, and you always haunt me like a shadow" is too clear. My daughter is telling us unequivocally that in the past 50 years, the old mother has been influencing her daughter's behavior with words and behaviors full of concern such as "uneasy", "reluctant" and "I just want you to be less wronged". So, why does the daughter have to wait until she is 50 to wake up? Perhaps, when my daughter was in her twenties and thirties and forties, she used the words "You are like a ghost, pestering me like a shadow" to resist her mother's "concern". But they were all suppressed by the advice of "you are too unfilial" and "you are too disappointing to her mother's care".

The contradiction with the elders in the family will be dismantled from the moral level rather than the psychological point of view. When I saw my 50-year-old daughter yelling at her 90-year-old mother, didn't my first reaction be to judge right and wrong from a moral perspective?

If we understand family conflicts from the perspective of morality rather than psychology, many family conflicts will come to a dead end. Like this 50-year-old daughter, once she has a conflict with her old mother, she has long been doomed to be "unfilial" and "disappointing her mother's kindness". She struggled under the intensive control of her old mother and never tried the beauty of physical and mental freedom for half her life.

Fourth, the wanderers who come home during the Spring Festival may wish to take the Native Home with them and compare where their personality defects come from.

How did The House of Origin: How to Mend His Personality Defects become a psychological classic? My personal experience is that it can wake up dreamers, that is, it clearly tells people who are struggling in family conflicts that it is not that you are unfilial, but that the family you come from is poisonous. It is possible to realize that the family you come from is toxic and get rid of the toxic state, that is, to repair your personality defects, especially with the help of psychologists.

So, what questions are actually reminding you that you live in a toxic family?

Susan Forward and Craig Barker present the following features in their works through rich cases:

1. Families who like to add bad words and completely deny their children.

2. Those families who seem to hurt their children unconsciously on the grounds of "for your own good"

3. Or coerce or induce families who want their children to choose their life trajectory according to their own requirements.

4. Families full of serious bad habits

I like to brush my parents with a stick.

……

Under the guidance of family of origin, I realized that my personality defect was caused by poisonous family of origin. Susan Forward said it wouldn't be as difficult as I thought. The second part of this book is called "Embrace your inner child". Susan Forward gives such a gentle title on how to correct personality defects, hoping that readers can treat their personality defects well and correct them step by step according to the methods provided in the book.