The toxic family system is like a serial rear-end collision in expressway, and its bad influence will be passed down from generation to generation. This system was not invented by your parents, but a set of accumulated feelings, rules, exchanges and ideas that you inherited from your ancestors.
Gordon, for example, is a successful plastic surgeon, because he can't control his sudden bad temper and often scolds his wife sharply, which leads her to move out of the house. What Gordon didn't expect was that the root of his behavior actually came from his childhood experience. When he was a child, as long as he was slightly negligent, such as forgetting to do housework and his grades could not meet his father's requirements, his father would beat him with a belt. He always thought that his father just wanted him to behave and be good for him. However, through psychotherapy, Gordon realized that the anger accumulated against his father as a child was the root of his bad temper, and once the pressure was too great, he would want to break out to his wife.
Susan, the author, calls the negative behavior pattern that parents dominate children's lives continuously and forever toxic, and such parents are also toxic parents. Because these parents' emotional harm to their children has spread to the whole body and mind of the children, and this kind of pain will not gradually dissipate with the growth of age, but will intensify.
For example, verbal abuse such as "You are stupid", "You are useless", "Why are you so ugly" and "You can't do anything well" will make children feel inferior at an early age and will not dissipate with age.
As the book says, for children, parents are the center of the whole world. If your omniscient parents think you are a bad boy, then you must be. If mom often says you are stupid, then you are stupid; If father often says that you are really useless, then you must be useless. Children will not look at these evaluations from other angles and question them. When these comments enter the child's subconscious, they internalize negative comments and form the basis of inferiority.
In the book "Home of Origin", the author lists the common types of toxic parents through a large number of real materials, including incompetent parents, controlling parents, alcoholic parents, physically abusing parents, verbally abusing parents and sexually abusing parents. It also analyzes the behavior of toxic parents, which is the chief culprit of children's personality defects, and more unfortunately, they will continue to affect children's adult life. Fortunately, however, the author emphasizes that the behavior of toxic parents can be terminated. The book tells in detail how to get rid of the influence of toxic families, rebuild self-confidence, define their own strategies, and help poisoned children find a lifestyle that really suits them.
Susan Forward is an internationally renowned psychotherapist with 65,438+08 clinical experience in psychotherapy. She is also a writer. In addition to the book "Home of Origin: How to Repair Your Personality Defects" introduced today, she has also published many well-known works such as Emotional Blackmail, Attachment: Why We Love So Humbly, and Obsession: How to Love and Be Loved Normally.
Below, let's take a look at how to get rid of the influence of toxic families and find a lifestyle that really suits you.
First of all, we should explore, feel and understand ourselves at the cognitive level.
1. Explore yourself.
This questionnaire is to help you realize some thoughts that hide your feelings and behaviors. If more than four are correct, it means that you are still struggling with your parents. These ideas are all wrong.
Wrong ideas will make you put your parents' feelings first, give up your own feelings and free choices, make it difficult for you to be truly independent, make you yield and obey in your differences with your parents, and thus produce painful feelings. For example, when you think it is your responsibility to make your parents happy, if you talk back to your parents and make them unhappy, you will feel guilty and guilty.
In other words, wrong ideas lead to rules, and inner feelings make us obey the rules, which leads to behavior. Then if you want to change your behavior, you must start with wrong ideas and negative feelings.
2. define yourself.
Self-definition means not being influenced by others, having the right to choose their own beliefs, emotions and behaviors, and having the right to question their parents. Distinguish between your own needs and those of your parents. When making a decision, we should take our own wishes and needs as the starting point.
Strategy 1: less response, more non-defensive response.
In order not to give your feelings to others, once you get angry, apologize, explain or try to persuade, it is equivalent to giving control to the other party.
Strategy 2: Take a stand.
You can start with some small things and bravely express your thoughts and opinions. Even if they haven't changed, we will become stronger ourselves.
Secondly, recognize the responsible party emotionally and stop punishing yourself.
Whether your parents hurt you intentionally or unintentionally, whether your parents are willing to take responsibility or unwilling to take responsibility, it is important for you to realize that these are not your childhood's fault, not your responsibility. All you have to do is practice speaking your true and bad feelings, and then remind you to take care of yourself as an adult.
Finally, stand up to your parents.
All of the above are preparing for this. If you have clearly understood the relationship between ideas, feelings and behaviors, and skillfully used the skills of non-defensive reaction and position, then the next step is to confront your parents. Only by facing your parents clearly can you completely overcome your inner fears, face your parents directly, tell them the real situation and position your future relationship.
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1 Consider opportunities for confrontation.
Poisoned children usually experience "I will never do that", "Maybe I can one day, but I can't now" and then "I can do that" when making confrontation decisions.
Before confrontation, meet four basic requirements.
As shown in the figure:
3 specific operation
Introduction: I want to say something to you that I have never said before.
Content architecture:
Mode: It is a good way to write letters, which can be revised to your satisfaction. Or face to face. It should be noted that face-to-face confrontation may require more courage. Choosing a good place in advance and practicing many times will help overcome nervousness.
4 the result after confrontation
No matter how the other side reacts during and after the confrontation, no matter what attitude your brothers, sisters, relatives and friends hold or do, the most important thing is to remember that you have the courage to take action and you won.
When you become more and more independent, toxic parents may be very resistant to your change. You have to trust your feelings and cognition. This is a difficult and exhausting process. You may feel anxious, guilty and afraid, and often want to return to the old mode of getting along, which is inevitable. Anyway, it's up to you to get rid of the toxic family.
Finally, finally, I want to say that my heart was touched when I read this book. The people in those cases in the book are all people who are deeply suffering from their families and cannot get rid of them. Fortunately, they met the guidance and help of professionals like the author and gradually got rid of it. We are also lucky, reading this book can at least make us think and alert whether our behavior is related to family background. If so, I suggest that you might as well read this book and improve it bit by bit with the methods mentioned in the book to remind yourself not to be a toxic parent.
As the book says: You have the power to change your child's fate. When you free yourself from the family legacy of guilt, self-hatred and anger, you save your children. When you end the old family model and break the cycle, you also send a very precious gift to your children, your children's children and future grandchildren. You are shaping the future.