Life is a journey of self-improvement, but the real growth is to learn to get along with yourself.

After listening to Teacher You Jin's psychological drama yesterday, my heart rose like a tornado in the middle of a calm lake. I thought the past was gone and I didn't have it? Laugh it off? I'm relieved. I've been trying to communicate well with my mother over the years. Maybe I haven't completely forgiven the misunderstanding and mutual harm in the past.

I think this is the wonderful thing about watching psychological drama. Although I am only a bystander and an audience to some extent, the waves and thoughts caused by the whole process in my heart are unexpected.

When I got home yesterday, I picked up the phone and began to prepare to chat with my mother:

? Mom, I have a lot to say to you today. do you want to hear it ?

? Of course I want to! ?

? Ok, mom, let's all get ready and make ourselves comfortable. I will put on my pajamas. ?

? All right, I'll prepare it myself and chat with you in bed. ?

? Then I'll call you in five minutes! ?

? Okay, baby. ?

Then my mother and I started a four-hour conversation. I feel like directing and acting a psychological drama for myself and my mother, and then combing all the things that I couldn't let go, bothered me, bound me and made me unable to extricate myself with my mother in the past 29 years. I was joking with my mother. Tonight is ours? Tucao conference? . ?

Of course, so safe and loving? Tucao? The environment can not be separated from the efforts of my mother and me for many years. The reason why I can fully express my pain and everything I can't let go is because my relationship with my mother is so good that I don't have to worry that she will think that I am accusing her and hating her, but turning a blind eye to all her efforts.

Yes, when I grew up, I began to learn to fully devote myself to life, but that doesn't mean that the pain I once suffered should be ignored. On the contrary, I think only when we really express our weakest and softest parts can we begin to say goodbye to the past completely.

What I didn't realize in these years is that I didn't fully express my pain and vulnerability before, but just wanted to repair it. This repair is incomplete. It's like a wound that has been bandaged before it is cleaned. On the surface, it has been healing, but in fact, it always hurts from time to time because it is not cleaned.

This is not the first time I have talked with my mother for four hours. We talked for five or six hours or even longer. Every chat is a cure, but this chat seems more like a milestone for us. A good friend said: Tears are your badge of growth. Then I should have awarded a big medal for my 29 years of life yesterday.

At the moment, I want to write a love letter to myself who has been working hard. I also invite you, my dear, to witness with me how I gradually became my closest friend from my own enemy along the way.

Is this always necessary? Is it better? De me

My mother is almost the mother who loves her daughter most in the world. She has been a housewife since my junior high school, and then she cooks me three meals a day, rain or shine. When I was in primary school, she would send me to learn English and draw by bike. When I have emotional troubles, she will listen to me like a girlfriend; She will take care of me when I am sick alone; She will always put me in a more important position than herself to consider and take care of me. ......

But at the same time, she is also a mother who once made me suffer, suffocated me, made me not want to go home, and made me suffer.

I felt ugly since I was a child, because my mother always told me: I am such a beautiful woman, how come you are nothing like me. ? Even when we passed by the plastic surgery department of the hospital many times, she solemnly said to me: daughter, go to the whole face! ? Many years later, when I told her that I had a special inferiority complex about my appearance, she would tell me: You misunderstood me, I just hope you will become better. ?

Then I found out, this? Get better? It is the gap between me and her: every time she comes home to see me at college, she will say that my clothes are not good-looking, my hair is not good-looking, and my face is black; When she comes to live with me, she always tells me before going out that my coat is ugly, my shoes are too dirty, or my hair is not combed well enough. I sent her my own article, expecting her to talk to me about her feelings after reading it, but all I got was one sentence? Is there something wrong with the logic of your article? Or? A lot of typos? ; The only achievement that satisfied her was my determination to switch from civil engineering to psychology, which made her disheartened because I was here? Destroy your future? ; What about me? Not making enough money? When I switched majors? You can't even support yourself after graduation? It also reminded her of me at that time, with tears streaming down her face and sleepless nights. ......

Confronting her for two years exhausted me. I think I am? Not good enough? : Not good-looking, not highly educated, not earning enough money, not strong enough, or single dog ... all these? Not good enough? This makes me suffocate, and I need to fight hard.

Maybe if these voices only come from my mother, I can still fight hard; But the terrible thing is that these voices have long been internalized by me at that time, but I still know nothing about it myself.

I only remember that I was anxious for a long time. I remember that I became someone else's eyes? Top student? I still don't think it's enough. I remember it was difficult for me to accept sincere compliments from others. I remember lying in bed every night for many years and always feeling that I was not doing enough or good enough. I remember that every time I get sick, I feel particularly useless and can't do anything. ......

Yesterday, my mother told me: I think the contradiction between us in the past was that when you changed your major, I told you what to do, and you never listened to me or took action. So I'm anxious. The more I ask you to do it, the more you confront me. The more you confront me, the more I want to control you. ?

At that time, there was a very strong voice in my heart saying: not at all!

I calmed down and said to my mother, whenever you say that, I have a strong feeling of disapproval. Now I finally know why. Because of all this, you let me? Get better? What I feel is not accepted: I am not good now, so I need it? Get better? ; Instead of me now, I am already very good, and of course I can be better. ?

So every time I feel like I'm because? Not good? Or? Not good enough? And needs? Get better? At this time, the antagonistic me in instinct began to appear. And such confrontation made me exhausted at that time, and I didn't have the time and energy to really pursue my dreams.

Yesterday, I shared the whole process with my mother and told her: I have passed the stage of blaming you and asking you to be responsible for my pain, but I share this with you, hoping to share my previous feelings with you and clean up the accumulated emotions in my body.

I think everything I said was heard by my mother, because she was not busy defending and didn't tell me how much she loved me. Instead, she listened patiently to my sharing, and continued to speak with respect when she interrupted me occasionally, and then told me after listening. Baby, I really didn't want to hurt you so much before. I'm sorry, but my mother wants to accept you better now ?

Tears are our medals.

After expressing all the emotions that my mother and I have accumulated in our bodies for 29 years, I switched roles with her. I tried to look at her from her point of view, and she also had a painful struggle like me.

My mother is an insecure person, largely because her father was criticized and killed during the Cultural Revolution. Her mother raised four brothers and sisters, including her, but died young before I had time to meet my granddaughter. She knows what poverty is, what danger is, what she must rely on herself and how to control her life.

Many people may also think that my mother is strong. She even said to me: Why can't I control it? I can control you and your father! ? But she probably didn't even know it before. What about hers? Control? , more from her insecurity. Because the world, in her childhood, did not give her too many reasons to believe in its safety.

She doesn't know how to express her needs. She only knows how to pay blindly and put everyone's needs above her own. By controlling others to establish contact with others, she found that she could never establish contact in this way. Sometimes I even think that her concern for others is actually a way for her to control her own life, because then she can be needed and control others (such as me and my father) by being needed. )

My mother loves me very much, which I have never doubted. I remember writing an article about compassion meditation before, saying that when I first did compassion meditation, the instructions reminded me of a deep love experience, but I couldn't remember any of them. I once shared with my friends how depressed I was at that time: I agreed intellectually that my mom and dad loved me very much, but I couldn't agree emotionally and I don't know why.

I think now I can fully understand what kind of ambivalence it is: on the one hand, my mother loves me with all her strength, on the other hand, I don't feel loved because she doesn't accept me. So she obviously attached so much importance to me and gave me too much material support, but I felt embarrassed for a time and couldn't feel love.

I wonder if she has accepted herself. Her criticism of dad and me, her need for us? Get better? Requirements must also be the way she treats herself countless times a day.

Who is she with? Hysterical? Do you really want it? Control? In the past two years, has no one felt extremely lonely, helpless and confused? Because she needed to control her life too much, and my uncertainty made her unbearable at that time; Because she is too insecure and wants me too much? Get better? So my behavior was retrogressive to her, which made her feel very sad at that time; And because she can't express her vulnerability, ask for help, understand and express her needs, how lonely is the heart that longs to be close to me but is rejected by me?

When I tell these stories and feelings in my mother's tone, I can't help crying for her.

I think tears are our medals. In this journey, we walked through the shadow of each other's souls. We used to be as anxious as two headless flies, expressing our desire and need for love in the worst way. But everything in the past is just to take out the rubbish in our souls and burn it, and use tears again and again as a badge of our growth, so that we can hug face to face today and then really learn to love each other.

Give yourself a love letter

This is a love letter I wrote to myself.

Dear myself, I want to thank you deeply at this moment.

I was so reluctant to accept you. I was as eager for you as our mother. Get better? ; I used to make you so anxious, so sad, so overwhelmed; I used to think that you couldn't find a boyfriend. You have no advantages except that your IQ seems to be above average. I used to tell you when I went to bed every night how your day was a failure because you didn't do better, because you didn't finish your to-do list?

But dear you, you have never given up on me. You didn't give up the pursuit of your dreams because of my voice, you didn't flinch because of those great challenges, you didn't talk to your mother because things were difficult, and you didn't become a coward because one thing required great courage.

At this moment, I want to be with you silently.

At this moment, I want to hug you and witness this milestone in our lives with you.

Ever since you heard SteveJobs's speech at the Stanford graduation ceremony in 2009, I have seen a ray of light in your eyes. I know you should start saying goodbye to yourself who lives for your parents and start looking for your own life.

I personally witnessed that after listening to the positive psychology class at Harvard University, I made my own courseware, found a group of graduate students, and forced them to listen to their own English positive psychology for a semester.

I witnessed you coming to Beijing after your first graduate school. You took 8 hours of classes by yourself during the day and prepared for tomorrow's new class at night. As a TOEFL teacher, you only slept 4 hours a day.

I have witnessed your confusion and hesitation, your painful confrontation with your mother, and almost no other power to do other things;

I have witnessed you start to organize and participate in various activities and start to live with an open mind;

I witnessed you start asking for help and take the road you really like;

I witnessed that you began to know and perceive yourself constantly, and constantly tried to understand yourself and your mother;

I have witnessed that you never dare to express your vulnerability, but you are willing to share and expose your weakest part;

I witnessed the gradual beginning of self-acceptance, accepting my imperfections, accepting that I have no plan, and accepting what I have? Not good enough? ;

I have witnessed your constant curiosity and exploration of human nature.

No one knows more about your growth and changes along the way than I do.

I guess I'm not now? Need? You become better, because you are good enough now.

And I gradually understand that your value is not determined by your appearance, education, talent, how much money you can earn, whether you have a boyfriend or not, or even your personality, although I also think you are cute, talented, profitable and have a good personality. You will definitely have a good boyfriend?

For me, your existence is enough. It is your personality and the temperature of your soul that give you the greatest value.

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