Seeing that you have said a lot, I understand your difficulties and feel that becoming a monk is not your only way out at present.
All you want is a word "music"
way
1, it's also a good way to travel, but as you said yourself, you feel insecure and must have companions, but you are disappointed with your family and society, so are you full of hope for the people you go out with? What if? Hehe, worrying too much is also one of your reasons. Things big and small are holding you back, and you can't leave. I suggest you let go, let go of your troubles, let go of your disappointment, and let go of big and small things. There is no need to resign so violently. Just ask for leave to go out for a few days and have a rest.
2. Talk to friends more. There was once a story about how to solve a person's unhappiness. This man is very clever. He dug a hole in his own land and loudly said his unhappiness to the hole every night. When he woke up the next day, he felt, ah, refreshed. What should modern people do? Go to bars, oxygen bars, coffee bars, etc. These places are different for different people.
3, depression, you may or may not have it, even if there is, after all, you got a ride on drugs, this is a psychological problem, take your own path to manage what others say? You are disappointed in society and them, and still care so much about their feelings? What if you feel like a psycho? Right? Relax and live a smart life. Suicide is a joke, life is precious,
Not much to say, I hope what I said is helpful to you, and I hope you will be happy as soon as possible without so much sadness.
I recommend a book "How Steel was Tempered" to you. Personally, I feel that you are not active and lack of spirit.
Hehe, of course, you don't care what I say. The most important thing is how happy you are. Whatever. How happy, then how to come. . .